eli rosier

the world is a cold, cold place to be. want a little warmth, but who’s going to save a little warmth for me? we know the fire awaits unbelievers; all of the sinners the SAME ! girl you and I will die unbelievers bound to the tracks of the train.. if i'm born again i know that the world will disagree; want a little grace but who’s going to say a little grace for me? ( eliot rosier, twenty two, slytherin, beater. )

[elirosier]

{ zachmilkovich } 

This moment was absolutely beautiful. Fuck! This was… his best friend. Eli was his best friend and he could feel that! Zach smiled so softly, yet it was a smile that said he just couldn’t believe the person in front of him had once been so small and precious and friendly to him all those years ago and they still were friends. Eli was there, in his heart and mind and it was… a very new, glowing feeling to be able to remember him from so long ago. Zach smiled so fondly at Eli’s words, was surprised to feel tears threatening to spill from his eyes because god he remembered what it was like to feel like eating was a privilege, not a right. How even in these past months, Zach eating was scarce unless Eli insisted. “Oh,” he whispered, reaching up with both of his hands to cup Eli’s face, his thumbs wiping under his eyes. “No crying, happy times.” Zach said with a little sob of his own. “I did think that I shouldn’t eat. Like I was taught that eating was a privilege but it’s a human right. Presented with so much food like that was a lot. But you… you told me it was okay but… oh you were so lovely. You /are lovely. And so funny. And so… you love to learn. Like, understand others and stuff. And other places. It’s such an incredible part of you and I honestly—how could I not be drawn to someone so sweet and selfless and sincere and… you… have the purest heart.” He said, laughing a little when he was pulled into Eli again. Zach’s arms wrapped around him, curling into him more, and he squeezed tightly, not wanting to let go of this feeling. It swelled inside him, his mind stuck on how they were, apparently one of a kind, attached to the hip, the most important people to each other. And it’d always been like that! “I’m your person?” Zach asked, turning his head to nuzzle his face into Eli’s neck. “Because you’re /my person.” And that should sound weird, it really should, but it didn’t. None of this did. And he was happy because he knew Eli kind of liked him like that too, but it still meant so much more to be somebody’s person. He never wanted to let go of Eli. Never. So he didn’t, but he pulled his face from Eli’s neck so he could face him a little, meeting his eyes and brushing their noses together. Oh! He remembered Eli! He really was there. Zach sighed softly and pressed the smallest kiss to Eli’s nose—because that he could do—and just let himself melt under Eli’s eyes for another moment, and another, and another before he hid under Eli’s chin, nuzzling his neck a little and smiling to himself. “You’re perfect. Do you know that? I mean, to me. Because I know no one is technically perfect but… goodness you are… incredible. I’m at a loss for words but I’m forever grateful to have met you.” Zach whispered against him, but his eyes shot open as he remembered something he found today. “Oh!” Zach said, pulling away regrettably to look at him again. “I… I found something today, before we left.” He said, getting up from the bed and rushing to the closet to find… Eli’s gift from… him. Zach pulled it out—gift, wrapped in white with just a black bow over it—and climbed back onto the bed, scooting closer to Eli. “I think… this is for you. From me. From before. And… and you should open it, I think. Because it feels like I put a lot of thought into this.” That is, it felt heavy. Unknown to Zach, he had given Eli a massage bar, a funny card, a book of reasons as to why Eli is the most incredible person in the world (all handwritten and thought of by him, too), butterscotch candies, and a painting of Eli in a forest at a cottage with tea and the sun shining down on him… and they were all for Valentine’s Day. “Go on! Whatever it is I wanna see, too!”

eli promised to always look after zach, it was a silent promise but ever since that very first day he knew in his heart he'd take care of this boy. and he had, and zach took care of him when he was down because that's how much they cared for each other. he noticed he ate less, left more for eli but eli always made sure his plate was full, made sure to always make him enough breakfast to keep him full for a while. because he would take care of zach, even if the littlest sense, even if sometimes it was grabbing his toilet paper because he forgot to change the roll. they were simply destined regardless of whether zach knew it or didn't, eli still intended on being the best damn boyfriend ever. eli let out a little laugh as zach cupped his face, always wiping away his tears before they had a chance to fall and he closed his eyes. 'they're happy tears, zach. just... overwhelmingly happy tears because i didn't expect to be this happy today! but i'm glad!' he smiled as his eyes managed to dry up a little, hugging zach so happily because zach called him his person! he was zach's person even as an eleven year old! 'are you my person! such a question, you're so silly! of course you're my person.' he shook his head with a big grin like it was the most obvious thing in the world. things weren't awkward, even if it was zach and eli sometimes things nowadays did get awkward because eli meant something in one way and zach would hear it in another. he knew they weren't supposed to kiss but the kiss to his nose was enough! it was such a zach kiss, zach always kissed his nose and it made eli's heart expand seven times larger with love. 'shhh, oh my god, you are killing me today!' he shook his head, patting zach's back very lovingly as the other continued to blow his mind with soft words. 'i'm speechless, zach! and i don't get speechless very often so this is new for me, and it's all your fault.' eli sighed, lying back and letting the words ring in his here as a stupid smile spread through his lips. then all of a sudden zach jumped off the bed and eli furrowed his brows, sitting up to watch him go into the closet and come back with a present. 'oh?' he questioned, taking the box in his hands and realising it was probably his valentine's day gift. fuck, he really hoped to never see it. not until zach had his memory back and their love wasn't... sleeping and just. he looked up again and nodded at zach, forcing a smile because of course he was curious but he didn't know how zach was going to react to a gift from himself that he had no memory off. he opened it carefully, solely because he was taking his time and set the wrapping paper aside to open the box up to a whole array of things, no idea where to start. one of the first things he noticed was the massage bar from lush which just made him smile because he remembered being in the shop with zach a few weeks ago and asking about everything! then he pulled up the book and started to flip through it but once realising what it was he set it down again to read the funny card, of course zach put a funny card in there. lastly the candies and the painting which he pulled out and looked at in awe, it was his cottage, their cottage and it was beautiful. 'you... know me so well. i know you don’t remember packing it for me but it’s still from you so thank you, darling. it’s everything i’ve ever wanted and it’s wonderful. and it’s okay that you don’t remember because... i’ve misplaced the gift i got you so til i find a replacement...' he gave zach a grin, trying to make a joke because he didn’t want zach to feel bad about any part of not remembering the gift. 

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

Zach smiled softly at Eli, happy he was awake. And when he’d finished speaking, Zach… well, he didn’t expect Eli to get that excited, but… well, it probably was exciting when a memory was finally about him. His eyebrows knit together worriedly, not having had missed the tears that threatened to spill from Eli’s eyes. Before he could even ask what was wrong, Eli’s forehead pressed to his own and Zach closed his eyes, loving this sweet moment. He loved forehead touches, he found. His eyes opened again and his smile returned, brighter than ever. “Yeah, yeah I—” he burst out laughing as Eli attacked him in a hug for the ages. He laughed into Eli’s shoulder as he was pulled up on top of him. His hands slid around Eli’s neck and nodded happily, excitedly, even. “I do… yeah of course. I do, I really do.” Zach really liked that—Zach and Eli. He liked how it sounded just like that, he didn’t know why, couldn’t explain it, but it felt… it felt classic for some reason. “Zach and Eli. We’re Zach and Eli.” He laughed again, pressing their foreheads together again and looking down at him, full of admiration and gratefulness that he was still slowly comprehending. Zach was in disbelief that he and Eli were so close, so… they must be everything to each other. Oh, he was so lucky. “I got sorted first. Milkovich, Rosier. Makes sense… and I was shy. Which also makes sense. And I wasn’t… like, eating anything and I wasn’t talking to anybody. Was kind of bummed about being in Slytherin, too, but…” he shrugged. “And then you come along, god you were so cute, Eli, absolutely adorable in every sense of the word and you fucking… come up and sit beside me. And you ask, like, if anyone’s sitting with me, too, because you’re always so kind. And… and you start to fill your plate up. And you look over at me and ask me…” he smiled slowly, remember it like it was yesterday. “’You’re not gonna eat?’ you said and I was like ‘I don’t know, I’ve never had so much food at my disposal, I don’t even know where to begin.’ and you… you got me a plate of things you think I’d like. Even sweets—and you hate sweets but you got me sweets, too. And you told me… ‘Gotta start somewhere. Eat, you’ll feel better. Oh, and I’m Eli!’ and I smiled at you and said ‘I’m Zach!’ and I took a bite of this lobster and it was the best thing I’d ever eaten and I was freaking out. ‘Whoa this is so good!’ And we just started talking to each other about favorite foods and about each other and you were so kind to me. And then we went to the dungeons. And… and our beds were right next to each other. And you were so funny you pushed yours right up next to mine like it was no issue—I still have no idea how you did that! You were so fucking tiny, you must’ve known some spell before Howgarts I mean really. Flipendo is kid stuff, anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if you moved your bed with that but I believed you were really strong.” And Zach laughed because he was rambling and remembered his reactions and emotions to meeting Eli? To the first day with Eli in his life? It was everything. “And we talked all night. Really quiet but we talked all night and we fell asleep talking to each other. I remember because you fell asleep before I did and I thought it was funny. But… but yeah that’s what I remember. We were friends… from the beginning, you took care of me from the beginning, you… I… god you must’ve been so important to me. I mean you are now, but… I can’t imagine just how much with all our memories. I remember you, darling, I remember you.”

the joy in his smile was indescribable, his smile that kept growing and his tears that just kept pooling. after every terrible thing that had happened in his life, after every time he felt like giving up... this was the most rewarding thing to happen in months. zach remembering him, even if they were children and it was their first memory together it was just... overlooked in eli’s mind. honestly, they’d made a million since then and he always forgot about this one but this was one of his favourites, probably his absolute favourite. ‘i remember that train ride there, i spent the whole time sitting by self reading a book i’d read a million times over just stressing that i’d never make friends. i wasn’t good at making friends, i was so scared of being alone too because hogwarts was my fresh start. and i remember watching you get sorted, dunno why i remember it so vividly but i do. i just loved the fact that you didn’t know what magic was! and you were going to find out everything about it and like be two people a muggle and a wizard, it still amazes me how you do both. when you weren’t eating i was so confused because in my life everyone was always eating, the only time i saw people rationing their food or simply not eating because they were overwhelmed was when we went to visit another country. a country that wasn’t super well off and it just made me sad because i didn’t even know you but i knew you had to eat because you’d love it. it was the whole hogwarts experience! the giant feasts and making friends with unlikely people, i wanted it so i found it with you.’ eli smiled so deeply, his cheeks hurt so much but he didn’t care... they were zach and eli again, zach and eli forever. ‘i loved that you weren’t scared of me, that i wasn’t too overbearing or annoying. you just.. played along. and you spent all night talking to me about stupid things, seriously. we talked about you being a muggle and me being a wizard and we discussed our wands having no idea what they meant and we were so excited for classes and just...’ eli took a breath because he was talking too fast and the tears were just flowing, he wasn’t even sad and they were just everywhere! and he honestly didn’t care! he felt so happy, he felt so, so happy. ‘i can’t believe you remember me. i’m... so happy you do, god, zach, i’m so happy.’ he sobbed out because it was just painful to keep himself from crying and pulled zach close to him again. he was remembered, he was loved, all by the person who mattered the most to him. his zach, his zach remembered him and cared for him and he would remember their love and they would be happy, ecstatic once again. ‘you’ve been the single most important person in my since then. ever since you listened to me ramble, and every day since when you went running with me or spent the day just relaxing and doing nothing. everytime you forced us to do homework or go out and be social. all my favourite memories involve you, you’re just... we’re just important to each other. we’re one-of-a-kind.’ 

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

The smile on Zach’s face was as bright as Eli’s, and he rubbed Eli’s back lightly, still keeping his arms where they were. He softly laughed and yawned before nodding sleepily. “I did. You?” He asked, hoping Eli had been comfortable. “No. No, I don’t hurt.” Oh, Eli sounded so sleepy, he liked his voice right now, just like how Zach’s was soft and raspy. “I had the best sleep… I’ve ever had in ages. For as long as I can remember. And… I mean, that couch pull out bed must not be comfy…” Zach sighed. “If you want to, like, move back in here… and you don’t… like, mind, erm… you can sleep here with me, maybe?”

eli was so happy they didn’t move away from their embrace because it was honestly just so warm and comforting and he knew neither of them really had an ulterior motive to it other than making sure the other was okay. ‘i had such a nice sleep too.’ eli hummed softly because he was ecstatic to hear zach wasn’t in pain anymore. ‘i’m so happy you slept nice. must’ve been nice to finally be able to shut your mind after that treatment.’ because of course he wasn’t going to just assume zach’s nice sleep was because he held him so lovingly, nope. his eyes lit up when zach offered eli to sleep in here and he nodded slowly. ‘really? i’m not.. like, i don’t mind sleeping out there at all.. and we don’t have to sleep like this every night, unless you want to but we can just play it by ear. sorry, i really should be getting to buying my own bed but this one is just so lovely. so i would love to sleep here with you but like don’t feel bad about kicking me back to the couch if you’d rather sleep alone. i’m easy going, i promise.’

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

Zach was entirely asleep, his dreams becoming gentle memories that’ve been lost—they were nice. He was nine. He was… being a kid. Going to muggle school, coming home to a wizarding family. He smiled softly in his sleep, though his subconscious picked up things that Eli was saying to him. They were sweet, heart wrenching words that would’ve made him speechless. He sighed quietly, his arms slipping around Eli to hold him, too—not that he was conscious of it, but it was after he’d said what he said. Zach nuzzled his face against his chest and had a surprisingly very lovely sleep. When he woke up, Zach’s eyes opened and he smiled so softly, happy and relieved to see Eli still here—and surprised he was holding Eli, too. He wanted to stay, stay in his arms, stay with him. It was pleasantly odd, but he smiled even more. “Eli?” He said, nudging under his chin. “Are you awake?”

eli knew it was ridiculous to share this feeling he was having that zach could understand him with anyone else but he still felt it to be true. especially when zach wrapped his arms around eli and eli could just cry because it felt so good. he eventually did fall asleep, and it was the best damn sleep he’d had in so long. he woke up at zach’s light nudges and his sleepy voice and just instantly beamed so brightly. ‘mhm, just barely.’ he laughed very softly, squeezing zach a little before loosening his arm so he could look down at this precious boy he held in his arms so lovingly. ‘good... afternoon, probably. did you sleep alright? does it still hurt anywhere?’ obviously eli was already asking questions about zach’s well being thirty seconds after he woke up because that’s just the boy he was. 

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

He already was afraid to sleep on the nightly. After this? Even more so, but it had emotionally, and physically exhausted him to go through that. His head felt tired and he just didn’t feel like being alone. To have Eli just… be there for him no matter what was unreal—god i seemed so unconditional, how much Eli cared and protected him. You say jump, I jump. “I won’t ask you to jump.” Zach whispered, even if it was just an exaggeration to express how far Eli would go for him, for anything. It was a lot to take, but this was… a nice overwhelming feeling. If anything, it calmed him a little more. He could cry from how much Eli cared. If anything, Eli seemed devoted to him, which was new, which was sweet, which was so much more than Zach could ask for. “Why wouldn’t you belong in my life? We were friends. We are friends. I’d… I’d be lost without you.” He took a soft intake of breath when Eli caressed his cheek—oh he could really cry. This was so soft and loving, he couldn’t believe how lovely Eli was to him. A shaky hand reached up to rest the forearm of Eli’s hand that was holding his cheek, lightly grazing it back and forth. Zach’s eyes closed as Eli drew closer to kiss his cheek, and he slowly let out the breath he was holding. He opened his eyes to meet Eli’s and he nodded lightly. “Mmhm.” And he leaned into him, burying his face into his chest and closing his eyes, feeling more comfortable than he had since he woke up in the hospital.

in eli’s experience zach wasn’t a good sleeper, he had recurring nightmares and sometimes he just wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. as a kid, eli seemed to help him. by pushing their beds together so zach wouldn’t have to even get out of bed if he ever needed eli. and this past year, since october, really... they hadn’t slept apart. even if they weren’t sleeping in the same bed, it was the same room and they always talked to each other. then the past three months they slept intertwined in each others arms and eli loved it. he only ever wanted to sleep in zach’s arms for the rest of his life. ‘i’m glad we’re in each others lives.’ he thought the fact that he loved zach would make it unbearable to be just his friend, but if anything it was helping him be a better friend. eli moved his body closer, his arms wrapping around zach as he settled into the pillow. he closed his eyes to sleep but he wasn’t tired so he opened them again, running his hands through zach’s hair as he slowly fell asleep. ‘hey zach?’ he whispered it quietly, not even knowing where he was going with this and zach was definitely fast asleep. ‘i miss you, darling. i think it every second of everyday. i am never not thinking about you. i’ve started writing... dumb poetry and stuff. like you always said i should? they’re all about you, about how much i miss you. how much i love you and how badly i can’t wait for you to remember me. it’s not all misery, you’re great company but... i still miss you. did i tell you i loved you enough? why did we waste all those years fighting? i don’t want these to be regrets for the rest of my life. i do wholly believe you’re coming back to me, i can just sense you. i think you still love me, i think even if you don’t know what love is right now... you do love me. i can feel it because you know i love you and you don’t push me away. please come back, baby. please.’ a couple tears slid down his cheeks as he leaned down to kiss the top of his head before squeezing him once again. 

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

The moment it took for the pair to disapparate from the hospital and apparate into their room, Zach had his eyes closed. Always closed. He only opened them when he didn’t hear time and space whooshing past him and he especially didn’t hear the hustle and bustle of the hospital, either. Just Eli’s voice, caring, soothing, and welcoming. He felt the comfort of the bed when Eli sat him down and he brought his hands to his face, cupping them over his mouth to breathe into. Zach peered up at Eli, and even before the other offered to be here as long as he needed, he was grabbing onto both of his hands. “I feel like you do so much for me. And I know… I barely know you, I do but I am begging you to please… stay. Just stay.” He said, his eyes pleading waiting with his words. “I mean you said we slept here before anyway if you want to that’s fine I just… I wish I could tell you why but I need you really bad right now.” He worried his bottom lip and looked down from him, really hating how dependent and vulnerable he felt. “I’m sorry if I burden you too much, Eli, I really worry about that, but just. Oh, for now?” He asked before busying himself—because he even felt a little embarrassed for asking, what was with that?—and getting under the covers and lying on his side, but he lightly tugged on Eli’s hand again. “Please and thank you.”

even before zach asked, eli already intended on staying in his room till he fell asleep and was at peace. ‘zach, shhh, stop it. you don’t have to beg me, you don’t.’ he shook his head, kicking off his shoes and sitting down beside him on the bed. ‘i’ll stay, of course i’m going to stay. i know you don’t understand what this is, i know it’s very confusing to you but you don’t have to explain anything to me. you say jump, i jump. no questions asked.’ eli’s eyes stayed on zach, squeezing at his hand before letting go just to climb under the covers and inch closer to him. ‘for now, for however long. you’re not a burden, i like being wanted. i do, it gives me a purpose in all this. it makes me feel like i do still belong in your life and i need this just as badly.’ eli lifted his hand to just caress zach’s cheek very delicately, rubbing his thumb along it before leaning up to press a kiss to his cheekbone. ‘i’m here, i’m watching over you.’

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

Zach could feel his pulse pounding in his head and he worried he’d have a heart attack or something—no, apparently that was completely normal. He held onto Eli tightly, feeling like if he didn’t, he would surely fall and never get back up. He shook his head against him. “You didn’t know,” Zach whispered, a few more tears making their way down his cheek. “I didn’t know.” He looked up to his father and he sighed shakily, allowing the hug to ease his body into comfort. “It’s okay.” Zach said, shaking his head and nuzzling his face into Eli’s neck. “It’s gonna be okay. The pain’s just a memory now.” And yet… he new next week, he’d have to come back again, and a whimper escaped him at the thought. “Is my son free to go?” His dad asked, receiving an answer of yes and to get bed rest, and Zach didn’t even wanna be here another second. He pulled back from Eli only a little bit, just to look at him. “Get me out of here, get me out of here.” He begged, not even realizing he was still shaking. “Ice cream, home, I don’t care, you just need to be with me and I need to get out of here.”  

eli held zach up with ease, even if he himself felt like he was falling quite constantly. all he needed was zach in his arms and it helped. eli’s hand lifted up to rub into his hair soothingly, his own heart rate slowing down slowly. ‘you did so good, zach. you are so brilliant,’ he turned his own head away to look at zach’s dad and the healer all he heard was the yes and he was ready to go. bed rest and they could leave. eli pulled back from zach to scoop an arm around his waist and nodded at his words. they had to leave, had to get the hell out of this place. ‘we’re going,’ he offered up a small smile to the healer and his father and apparated the pair of st. mungos and into their bedroom. ‘c’mere, oh. you need to be in bed, i’ll bring you ice cream for when you wake up but i don’t think you should be out and about.’ he shook his head, slowly moving them over to the bed and sitting zach down on it. ‘i’ll be right here with you for as long as you want me, i promise.’

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

Zach was really afraid. Really afraid—and that was after he was given a potion that was supposed to ease him up physically and mentally. His hans shook a little and he gripped Eli’s hand just a little tighter. “Yeah.” He nodded, swallowing hard as he looked from the dark water to Eli. “Thank you… I’ll see you.” He returned the smile, though his faltered a little because he was so nervous. His heart was jumping in his chest healers gently took Zach’s arm to pull him away from Eli—something he very much didn’t like—and it was surprisingly real, how they literally pulled Zach away from Eli, their hands coming apart last. The moment that had happened, Zach felt so vulnerable it wasn’t even funny. He swallowed hard and sat down in the chair like they instructed, and he felt soon that he couldn’t get out of it if he tried. That was scary alone—to feel restrained. But the chair floated in the middle of the pool and the water formed around him in a bubble. Zach nearly jumped in his chair, not really doing so solely because he physically couldn’t, and he became much more afraid until it engulfed him in a bubble of water that he could breathe in. And the water, as dark as it was, was transparent so healers—and those inside like Eli—could see what was going on. Zach couldn’t see them from inside though, just the water, and then—pain. He screamed and shouted, wanting to kick and flail but he couldn’t, and he was quickly tearing up from the frustration and the unbearable headache stabbing into his head. Whatever nerves he did have were certainly gone, and that was only because he could only think about the pain while all around him, the water shifted into visions of his past that was unknown. Zach couldn’t take it. He gasped and groaned and wanted to thrash, sure that his head was splitting into two, and he screamed, “IT HURTS! IT HURTS, IT HURTS!” And he screamed so loud that his voice vibrated aggressively against his own throat before his head hung and he completely stilled, having had passed out from the pain. The treatment, though, still did its job, and Zach was in there for another few hours until the bubble fell from around him in a splash and the chair floated right over to the edge. The healers hurried over to him and one waved their wand to wake him from fainting, and Zach gasped, eyes wide, and dry heaved and looked around in fear, panting, and his eyes settled against Eli’s and he broke free from the chair, shoving past the green robed healers to sprint over to him and hug him tightly because he wanted nothing more than Eli’s care right now “It hurt.” He whispered, his voice wavering as he shut his eyes tightly and buried his face against his shoulder. “Li-like… like… a thousand knives stabbing into my head, oh my god.”

eli wouldn’t have been the first to let go, nor was zach. unfortunately they were being literally torn apart and eli had to oblige but he let out a soft whimper as zach was dragged away from him. eli went to go stand by zach’s dad, holding his stance as the healers put zach in the chair at which point the older man’s arm went around his shoulder in a very comforting way. this wasn’t going to be easy to watch, he saw zach trying to get up but he couldn’t. and worst of all zach couldn’t see him and that didn’t rest easy in eli’s stomach. when he screamed, so did eli, “NO! no, no, no, no! he’s in pain! he’s in so much pain!” except his screams too were unheard and he saw zach’s head hang and he hated it. healers kept telling him to sit down and calm down and that zach was going to be okay but their words were wasted. eli just closed his eyes and a healer gave him something to drink, supposed to calm him down and he drank it because even a placebo would help him. zach couldn’t have come a moment and the second eli saw him running for him, eli met him halfway engulfing him in a strong hug. ‘i’m sorry, i’m so sorry.’ his own voice was quiet, blinking away the tears that embedded themselves in his sockets. ‘i never wanted you hurt, i’m sorry you had to go through that. i’m sorry, darling, oh my goodness i am so sorry, love.’

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

Zach’s expression shifted into the cutest little quizzical one. He tilted his head and scrunched his nose fondly and felt the weirdest thing—butterflies fluttering in his stomach relentlessly. Eli did have a habit of speaking to him like this—and he wasn’t complaining, no. It caught him off guard every time, though. It’s magic, you and I. He liked the sound of that more than he should, and he couldn’t really comprehend it all too much, but it made him softly laugh, as short as it was because he just couldn’t stop looking into his eyes, trying to read every bit of Eli that he could. He even hoped how much he loved Eli’s words would somehow be exerted from his own being, but he was sure that wasn’t possible—even if it was, just from his face as he practically melted. “Mmhm. Yeah, I’d like that.” He nodded, holding onto Eli’s hand like it was everything—and it might as well be. He let Eli lead him to where his healer and dad was, sighing in relief that his dad was here. Zach looked over at Eli when he felt his lips press a kiss to his knuckles. A light, rosy blush rose in his cheeks and he nodded. Zach needed to get prepped, and then would be put into the pensieve… which, really, he had no idea what that was. “Can Eli come with me?” Zach asked, biting his lip hopefully. His healer looked between the two and he looked at his dad and then nodded. “Sure. The two of you—Dad, Eli—you two can go, but only when… when treatment is happening. It’s… it’s not a pretty sight, be warned.” Zach bit his lip and hurried into a waiting room, where Henry came in to ask him questions and talked to him more about the treatment. He took a potion that calmed him down and eased his mind, and Zach walked out, immediately reaching for Eli’s hand. He smiled brightly and headed over to another room with him to where a large… pool seemed to be. Zach looked unbelievably confused.

it’s not a pretty sight, be warned. the words were ringing in his ears the whole time as zach stepped away from his side and into the waiting room. eli only looked up at zach’s father but the two didn’t speak, not out of awkwardness but they both needed a breather, needed to think about what would happen. eli’s hand felt lonely, he felt cold without zach by his side and found himself missing the other immensely even if it had been a couple of minutes. he just stood there, frozen in time, til zach finally stepped out and took his hand again. he was smiling so eli smiled a little too, gave his hand a small squeeze and followed him into the room with a pool. now, eli had absolutely no idea but there was a chair and his mind ran with the idea and he could picture basically what was going to happen, perhaps it was some sort of body of water that carried memories that zach did remember. he didn’t like it anyway. the water didn’t look welcoming. ‘hey... good luck. i’ll see you on the flip side.’ another forced bright smile, another little hand squeeze because he didn’t want to let go. 

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

Zach sighed, happy he just. God he was so happy Eli was with him, it wasn’t even funny. He was surprised Eli nuzzled his face into his shoulder, but, really, Zach didn’t mind. He’d already done this, so. It was soft and strangely comforting. And he hated Eli because he really was his best friend. “How do you do that?” Zach asked, looking at him. “How do you know what I really… think and want? I mean I know how, you’ve known me since forever but… wow you really do know me. I hate it. And you’re right. I don’t mean that.” He sighed, smiling a little. “I know I don’t want to leave, I mean. I want to leave but I have to stay.” Oh, the thought of Eli parting from him in this time was terrible. “No, I—what if I asked them that you could stay? Do you think they’d let you?” He asked worriedly. “Yeah. Ice cream.” He laughed quietly and looped an arm around him to pull him into a side hug. “Thank you.” He took a deep breath, pulling back and nodding bravely. “Right, yeah, let’s… let’s do it. C’mon.”

lately, things in his life were rapidly changing. even his personality had changed, his hair had changed, quite frankly everything except for how he felt about zach-- even if zach had temporarily changed. he sighed softly himself, meeting zach’s eyes with a very delicate smile. ‘i think it’s because of our stellar communication skills, your array of facial expressions but i could be silly and just say it’s magic, you and i. i just know you inside out.’ eli didn’t want to part with either, not one bit actually. he wanted to stay in this soft embrace, just be paused in this moment, gazing into each others eyes because it made everything feel better. ‘there’s no harm in asking, hm? i’d like to stay with you,’ the quick side hug was his everything, lasted a few second and still knocked the air right out of him. his hand found zach’s once again, intertwining their fingers no matter how briefly as they headed into where zach’s healer and father were standing. eli lifted their hands up to his lips and placed the smallest of kisses to his knuckles, ‘you got this,’ he whispered quietly before turning his attention to what the healer was saying about the treatment.

[elirosier]

( zachmilkovich. )

Zach smiled ever so softly at Eli’s affectionate squeeze—he liked that, he really did. Friends that hold hands! And they constantly reminded each other that they were there in the softest gestures. It was nice? Oddly Zach felt he needed it, too. He’d been feeling very dependent on Eli lately so… so it meant a lot, more than he thought it would that he was just… so far a very sweet and caring person which was all he could ask for, really. Never had he had a best friend, a real one. His adoptive sister didn’t count, of course. He was content. His eyes widened a little at the term of endearment, but a surprising smile crossed his features even if he was suddenly horribly reminded that… he had to go to the hospital right now. What fun. “Yeah, sure.” He said, and was pulled away from the public eye of the park, squeezing Eli’s hand tightly before they apparated to St. Mungo’s. “’I hate this place.” Zach mumbled with a glare around the entire place. “Changed my mind I wanna go home I’m fine not remembering more than half my life it’s all good.”

here they were, the bliss of the morning was gone. the sun that was shining on their faces replaced with the loud chatter of the hospital and the very distinct smell. eli had begun to hate it here, really hate it here because nothing good ever happened. ‘y’know what? i hate this place too.’ eli just barely nuzzled his face into zach’s shoulder again before remembering that he couldn’t just be doing that because it would feel maybe weird and unnatural to zach. ‘you don’t mean that, zach. we can leave if you want to because i’m no one to force you to stay, but i don’t think you really want to leave. i’ll stay with you till the very last second, til they’re literally pulling our hands apart. and ice cream after, remember? you get to have two because i don’t even eat ice cream. everything will be okay in the end, i promise that with all my heart.’

[elirosier]

( zach ! )

Oh, but Zach felt so bad. It wasn’t his fault, of course—he couldn’t control when his memories decided to, well, begin functioning, but he still felt so bad. He felt bad because despite the momentary awkwardness—all because of miscommunication—they were having the loveliest time and he felt they’d just gotten here. He just felt so terrible. When Eli took his hands, Zach had his in a vice grip because that’s just how much it hurt, and before he knew it, they were apparating. It took too long and Zach screamed the entire way in such agony. It was killing him—but by the time they got home, the pain was somewhat subsiding, though not all enough. He was a dizzy, whimpering mess, curling into Eli when he was picked up and let the tears go. He would’ve hoped after seven of these that they’d get easier to handle, but they never did—and Zach had always been someone with a high pain tolerance. This? This was… too much. He winced at a particular sharp once his back met the bed, and Zach closed his eyes as Eli kissed his forehead. “D-don’t… apologize.” He whispered shakily. S’not… your f-fault—ah” Hi eye shut tightly again and before he could ask, Eli was already holding him protectively as he had been the past few weeks when this happened, but it was warmer, filed with soft kisses that soothed Zach a little.He sighed slowly, anther soft sound of discomfort sounding from him. The only times he kicked in bed was during these things. The pain would be so much that Zach would kick for a few seconds and then go positively still, but he was asleep, and he spoke. HE spoke quietly, muttering whatever he was dreaming, and the pain grew less and less as the hours went by. His dreams, when this happened, were of his memory that were coming back to him. 

The things he saw were lovely, but noting compared to the memory of him being eleven years old on his first day at Hogwarts. On that day after he was sorted into Slytherin, a kid who was sorted a little later came over to sit beside him and made sure he ate. I’m Eli!—I’m Zach! Guess we’re not strangers anymore. And it ended, fading slowly. Zach slept, then, peacefully for another hour before waking up and sighing in relief—but… with a new set of memories. He was reminded of the arms around him, just taking it in that Eli’s arms embraced him, and Zach sighed slowly, turning carefully in Eli’s arms and… and remembering how he met this man. “Oh…” he whispered, thinking about… about how they had been so young and now they were still here. They WERE best friends, and still are… and Zach… Zach realized that he must love Eli to keep him for this long, all to himself, even, in their own flat, with pets. He cared about this person. This person was important to him in ways he couldn’t imagine yet, but he felt it, he felt how overwhelming that was, but it was a comfortable feeling. “Eli?” Zach whispered, one hand resting on Eli’s side, lightly grazing. “Eli, I…” He remembered, but there was something else he realized. Zach paused, thinking of his realization and thinking… that Eli cares about him so much that… by now? By now it must be so unconditional. He couldn’t imagine that kind of devotion, not in a million years, but Eli and him?They had it. They were still strong even against all odds, best friends and more, and anything they wanted to be. “You took care of me from the start.” He said, quietly. “You’ve… you’ve always been taking care of me. Even after… after so long. You care for me now just like… just like when we met, when… when I wasn’t eating?” Zach’s hand slid up to rest against the side of Eli’s neck. And Eli was a little older, a little stronger, a little taller, but he still had the same eyes and the same nose and the same smile—it was all the same, it was Eli. He was really, truly, eternally… “I remember you.” his person.

eli worried intensely, even if zach had been going through a lot more of these painful headaches and he always made it through-- there was probably no health risk-- but eli felt there was. it was inhumane for zach to be put through so much pain and he just hated it. LOVED hearing about whichever new memories he gained but hated that he went through so much pain. he’d gotten good at holding zach too, the kisses were new but he was following his gut. he hadn’t intended on falling asleep wrapped around zach; they were still wearing their shoes and everything, just lying on top of the blankets in each others heat. he had meant to make zach’s sleep comfier but honestly this day while pretty.. eventful, hadn’t been long but eli was so tired he slept right beside zach, even through all the squirming and the kicking. 

the next thing he knew was zach was talking to him and he sleepily opened his eyes, almost making an effort to stand up but deciding against it because they were being so soft. he smiled very slowly at zach who was saying things but it was hard for eli to understand because he’d just gotten up. he blinked a few times, hearing something about how eli made him eat? then zach said three words that took the air right out of eli’s lungs and left his mouth wide open before the air knocked itself back into his body. ‘you.. you...’ he blinked again and his eyes were filled with tears, so he shut them quickly and leaned forwards to rest his forehead against zach’s with a sigh of relief. ‘you remember me. you remember me. you remember me. you remember me!’ eli laughed unbelievingly and leaned in to hug zach so very tightly, pulling him on top of him but didn’t let go from the embrace. ‘oh my god, you remember me. you remember us. tell me! tell me everything. i want to hear you say it, i want to hear every little detail you remember about us. oh, zach. you remember us. you remember zach and eli.’

[elirosier]

( zach ! )

Zach smiled at that, of course wishing he wasn’t so curious. If things were different, he figured he probably wouldn’t be. And yet… Eli’s curiosity was just as adorable so he could understand it. “I like your curiosity, too.” It was nice to explain something as silly as a wishing fountain or something… and to have the other person be an adult, just like him, and seem so intrigued all the same. A laughed bubbled out f him and he shook his head. “’Course not. Plus, this time it isn’t about what they’re called.” He reminded him before lightly bumping his shoulder into Eli’s right back. Honestly, Zach knew this wouldn’t work or anything from the fountain, It was a stupid myth or whatever from who knows, but it was, yes, nice to pretend. His wish wasn’t as profound as he’d like it to be, but then again, everything he said in general never seemed to be really profound, so Zach just nodded and smiled at Eli. Zach tossed his coin half heartedly and shrugged. It just wasn’t how magic was like and nothing in life was easy like that. He looked over at Eli when he spoke, having had been staring at the little ripples from the water that had appeared when they disturbed it with their coin tossing. “Yeah.” He hadn’t looked at it like that, really, but he supposed a lot of people didn’t know what they wanted until they had some false opportunity to wish for it. And he blinked softly, his eyes looking over to his left when Eli rested his head on Zach’s shoulder Zach smiled to himself and rested his own head on Eli’s, sighing comfortably. This? This was nice. He found he liked this… especially when he was so nervous about the hospital. Zach lightly leaned his side into Eli, giving his hand a small squeeze. “I hope your wish comes true.”

eli found himself biting back a smile as he felt zach’s head against his own and stood there relishing in the calmness of the day. he knew past this the day wasn’t going to be very calm but they had right now. they could just stare out into the fountain and hold onto the essence of their wishes. eli did wonder what zach’s wish was, probably his memories but maybe something silly like a churro? because didn’t seem like zach believed in the properties of this probably-not-magic-but-magic fountain, but eli did. mostly because he needed something to believe in and he needed zach to remember. ‘i hope your wish comes true too,’ eli squeezed his hand right back and took another couple of minutes before he finally glanced down at his watch and lifted his head off zach’s shoulder. ‘ready to go, love?’

[elirosier]

( zach ! )

Funnily enough, Zach had already accepted that Eli didn’t like him back so he was shocked to hear that Eli did. His heart picked up at a faster beat and he almost continuously replayed Eli’s words in his head. I do reciprocate your feelings. He’d been wrong, then. Eli was… was more scared than he was, but was just as unsure. His eyebrows quirked and he smiled apologetically, stepping a little closer to him. “You’re not overstepping.” He whispered, his hands reaching out to take Eli’s in his own. “And I’m sorry I… assumed wrong. Kind of used to things not… working in my favor.” He shrugged, but bit back a smile that threatened to escape. “I can’t believe you like me.” Zach said with a small, surprised scoff. Someone sincerely saw him that way? Wanted him romantically? He couldn’t believe it, and especially he couldn’t believe that it was Eli of all people—the one he liked! His best friend? Truly, his best friend. He softly laughed out of excitement, drawing even closer to him, his eyes darting across his face before settling on his eyes. “I want you to kiss me, t—” Zach’s blissful expression hardened in a harsh half of a second as a head splitting headache thundered in what felt like every part of his head. His mouth fell to the floor, and he pulled his hands away to hold his head. “No, no, NO not fair! Not fair!” He cried, tears filling his eyes as he doubled over and fell on his side on the sand. He groaned and kicked angrily, infuriated that nothing went right with him, and a pained shout ripped at his throat, eyes shutting tightly. He panted, a natural response to what felt like unbearable pain, but he managed to barely get out, “Sorry.” before he cvered his face, a sob escaping him as he kicked aimlessly again.

eli didn’t even know how it was possible to be this nervous over someone he knew did like him in the past. but things were weird and out of order and his old memories didn’t matter right now and honestly speaking, he was completely and utterly enamoured with the boy standing in front of him. when zach smiled he smiled, he mimicked zach’s every action, threading their fingers together as he took a hold of his hand. ‘you’re okay, it’s okay. we’re okay now, yeah?’ he nodded softly, because yeah he still wanted to kiss zach and it was rude to cut him off mid sentence so he was planning on letting him finish. but he never did. and the rest of it happened so fast, he saw zach’s expression change and his fell and he wasn’t fast enough to catch him but he did drop down to his knees, taking a hold of both of his hands, ‘we’re going home, it’s going to be okay. shhh, don’t you apologize!’ he shook his head and apparated them out of thailand and back to their flat in london. he picked zach up very easily too and carried him to their bed, lying him down gently and pressing a kiss to his forehead. ‘i’m so sorry, zach. i hate seeing you like this,, i’m sorry, love.’ eli frowned deeply, doing what he could to wipe away his tears and wishing he could do anything to make it better. he laid down beside zach, holding him from behind and pressing soft kisses to the back of his neck and his shoulder. 

[elirosier]

( zach ! )

Zach’s steps stopped only when, from the top of his vision, he saw Eli’s feet turned towards him as he drew closer, so he just stopped and glanced up for a split second. It was so fleeting because no, Zach didn’t feel like looking at him right now, so he just looked away again. If it was even more possible, it got more awkward because Zach was expecting Eli to… to what? Say something now? And then what would he say in return? Zach didn’t know, but he did know he wanted to go home. But he realized he liked Eli enough to soften up so fast, t look up at him shyly, slowly, but surely. It was the ‘please’ and the ‘hey. hi’ and the ‘talk to me’ and Eli being confused that had Zach seriously looking at him. He swallowed hard and shrugged. “Sorry.” He said. “I guess… I’m confused, too. So.” His crossed arms pulled down against his sides instead to not seem as closed off. “But not confused, either. I mean I’m… delusional or something, It’s okay. just got to get over… whatever I feel about you. Which you obviously don’t reciprocate, s, I’m sorry.”

‘but i do--’ eli furrowed his brows together because he wasn’t quite sure what to say, which evidently he probably should’ve thought about before he asked zach to talk to him. he ran a hand through his hair, sort of fidgeting in his spot before clearing his throat. ‘i do reciprocate your feelings. i do. i really really do.’ he dropped his hands back down to his sides but instantly felt too bare and just fiddled with his fingers. ‘i just got scared? like, i haven’t liked someone, had a crush in long time. very long time and i was just thinking of a million things at once and i didn’t want to overstep my boundaries. and i was terrified of you’d hate kissing me or if you just see me as a friend? because that’s all fine, i can handle it. the last thing i wanted was to hurt you because i do like you, and i feel like we’re already a little bit more than friends. i’m sorry, there was just so much happening in my mind, i made a rash decision but i do like you, i do want to kiss you.’

[elirosier]

( zach ! )

Actually, Zach wanted to go home. To Doncaster. Not just home in their flat. He needed his mum and dad. Maybe he always needed them. Maybe he should’ve gone with them and then he wouldn’t have developed this stupid crush on this stupid kid. Wasn’t even a kid but Zach felt childish trying to think to himself about how annoying it was rather than how embarrassingly disheartening it really was. He glanced up when Eli started heading off and Zach followed him silently, eyes still cast down. He listened to Eli and shrugged before saying, “Whatever you want. You’re the expert.” Because, unfortunately, they were in Thailand and Zach had nowhere to go but wherever Eli was because he didn’t have a choice. Didn’t know how to apparate after all. He wasn’t even looking around to enjoy the sights of this country because he couldn’t concentrate on anything else other than what he was feeling. 

eli frowned very deeply, not even really making it off the beach before he turned around to face zach and stop in his path. this awkwardness was unbearable, zach was barely talking and he was sure he still hadn’t been able to catch zach’s eyes since the moment in the water. but he also realized he actually just had no idea what he wanted right now, he’d been defending all these things in his head but at the same time he wanted to kiss zach? but didn’t? he was basically just a confused mess but he knew right now that he missed zach, not even the zach who remembered, he missed any zach because none of this was worth it if zach didn’t like him? ‘hey, hi. look at me, please? talk to me? i’m going insane in this silence and i.. i’m just confused.’

[elirosier]

( zach ! )

“Yep.” Zach said shortly, finding it surprisingly easier to focus on not looking at Eli whatsoever. He just wasn’t planning on it, nope. He could avoid that for the rest of his life now. He suddenly wished they had stayed at home and done nothing. Zach sighed shook hi shair a little before just pulling it all back. And then… and then Zach felt a strangeness, an awkwardness that hadn’t really been felt with Eli since remeeting him. He crossed his arms over his chest and felt upset because, well. Not that he knew how they used to be or anything, but… this awkwardness definitely wasn’t them at all, but Zach didn’t make any effort to… to fix it. He closed his eyes and sighed. “So restaurant?” He said, because they had to get somewhere and if it got too awkward then they’d have to talk and Zach didn’t want that? Why would he want to talk? He lightly kicked the sand lazily. He! Just! Didn’t! Want! To! Look! At! Eli! Right! Now! But that was affecting his mood and he felt so immature and therefore was tired of this memory thing because one could argue he was being obnoxiously dramatic over it because his memory was up to date for only fourteen years but it is what it is and Zach was just quietly upset. “You gonna show me?” He asked, still looking don at the sand like it was oh so very interesting.

eli pressed his lips into a straight line and just nodded. alright, so they were going to be awkward about this. but this was zach, zach always talked eventually so maybe he would just do it. ‘that’s good..’ but now eli felt awkward even talking. he tried to meet zach’s gaze but he wasn’t having it. apparently the sand was far more interesting. eli wanted to scream, this was so not like zach. zach didn’t do this and he definitely understood why zach found him to be so irritating. ‘yeah, restaurant. come on.’ he shrugged, still very much trying to meet zach’s gaze but since he wouldn’t even look up eli just turned on his heel and walked off the beach and towards the street. if only eli would’ve just kissed him, maybe this wouldn’t be happening right now? but eli didn’t want to kiss him right now, he was young and even if he was years ahead of himself, zach was just... not what eli needed right now. zach couldn’t deal with eli missing zach? and things would be more painful now. but damn it, if things were going to be like this, if they were going to be this stubborn... eli frowned because no, he had to be the bigger person here. even if zach obviously didn’t want to talk, he had to. ‘there’s this cute little shelter nearby too, i’ve gone a couple times before and yeah, it’s so small and has the sweetest animals. we could go there too, if you wanted?’