The Smaller Person @ellabambini - Tumblr Blog

I just got a pair of size 6 jeans and they look fucking outstanding.

You can get fucked with your faux niceties. Like it’s not the least you fucking owe me you disgusting letch.

Acting like you hear me out, out of the goodness of your heart. When really you know you deserve to feel like shit. Acting like I don’t deserve the chance to hurl my hatred at you after everything you’ve done.

I hate that you act like you’re doing me a favour listening to you, like I’ve not burned hours listening to you talk about her and how shit I am.

I hope I never find a person like you again. A person so morally void and unthinking.

When love finds me it’s going to feel pure and whimsical and fun. It’s going to feel like a true celebration.

I know you want it to be my fault. For years I’ve let it. I’ve not fought back. I’ve taken the blame, accepted my flaws and worked on myself, well you lived in denial and anger and hiding from anything real or difficult.

Well that’s a marriage privilege, which you’ve opted out of.

I’m happy for it to be my fault. I’m happy for you to say you felt like I never loved you, for 15 years. I recoiled at your touch. Because if you want those things to be true you have to accept the part you played in them. Being so volatile and emotionally abusive. Constantly belittling anything I had done, it was never enough. You would come home, complain about me and our children and our home and after a whole day of being touched and cried at and needed by people who rely on me I needed kindness from my partner, or even just someone who listened. But instead you would try it on, tone def doesn’t even come close.

Do I want to fuck a man who doesn’t have a kind thing to say about anything I have tried to do today? A man who doesn’t ask about my day and who ultimately doesn’t even find out about it, if I don’t offer the information up on a platter. A man who can’t look away from his phone for long enough to have a conversation with his children.

A man so unkind about everyone he knows. You start to think maybe he is the poison.

That’s not a man I even want to be near. Let alone a man I want to touch my skin.

I was drowning, and on my darkest days you wouldn’t even look away from your phone as you said “let me know if I can do anything”, after I told you at 5 months pregnant I didn’t know if I could go on existing. I wept and sobbed myself to sleep and you lay next to me, miles away.

For 15 years I picked you every day, in spite of your cruelty because I did love you. I lived in the hope that one day you’d be the man I’d seen glimmers of. The man everyone else got. Not this angry, callous, ungrateful, vitriolic presence I had to endure. I loved you everyday I didn’t leave. I was never unkind. I listened whenever you needed me, no matter what I was going through I put it aside to be a safe space for you, because to me that’s what love is.

You never even listened when I spoke. Let alone made space, and only in my wildest dreams would you ever take accountability.

But because I didn’t want to fuck the man who acted like he hated me until it was time to have sex, I never loved you.

So just this once I’ll take the blame, for old times sake.

#musingsonmyex

You’re so quick to proclaim that no one has ever loved you. You’re “unlovable”.

Do you maybe consider that perhaps you treat people so disposably, disregard them, ignore them, that you push them away? People try to love you but you make them feel so worthless to you, they withdraw with each interaction. Until all that’s left is shallow and surface level. Small talk.

The love they tried to give is not worth the beating they must take to stay in your orbit.

You are unlovable, and it’s entirely your own doing. You’ll only find love when you stop complaining about not having it and figure out how to be an empathetic, compassionate person, who doesn’t lie instinctively or run from difficult but meaningful conversations.

You should be paying me £35 an hour.

#musingsonnyex

inkpressedpetals

ellabambini

“Why would I apologize for being a monster? Has anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?”

— (via thegenesisrhapsodos)

st-pam

tangleduplnblue

PLEASE EMPLOYMENT JELLY

justanotherspringday

Not risking it all I want in my life is a job I actually like

zairak

Sure why not, I’ll try anything at this point

bloodhooof

ellabambini

I know this is a joke but this seriously got me thinking. I get married in 4 months, and all the pictures from the beginning of our relationship are (not this bad, but) pretty awful… okay maybe some are worse.

Like seriously

I need to destroy them

This is not a drill

I am marrying this man.

ellabambini

Spoiler alert: I should never have married this man.

ehlipses

Reasons to stay alive.

ellabambini

Sometimes the things that are hardest to read are the ones you really need to see.

BAMBINILLA turned 7 today!

#tumblr birthday #tumblr milestone

hecatolite

I doubt my 19th...

will be quite on par with what my 18th was. My friend Milly lives in Warwick and has this massive house her and her nan live in, and she offered me her house for my party, so I ended up going mad and invited far too many people…

The night then unfolded to include such events as: someone pouring a can of strongbow into someone’s shoe, spending about two hours vomming after eating a tequila worm and smoking far too much before everyone even got there, sam turning the lights on and off to scare hannah, cat losing jason’s shoes while going for a walk and matt having to find them, sam throwing a clock at cicely from down the stairs, someone building a city out of eggs and then they just got thrown everywhere, a girl ate some microwave curry and promptly vom’d all over the front room (and in the whisky-tainted goldfish bowl…), someone put the cat in the dishwasher, there was a midgetty indian boy flailing around going wild, zav pissed out a window, ashley bricked a van that went past, there was shitloads of fire in the driveway, and I had sex on a landing.

…yeah, I’m feeling a quiet one this year.

ellabambini

I have no idea how this has shown up on my dash given it's five years old? But this is an entirely different set of fucked up stuff to the things I witnessed that night! The only other party to rival this was my/Milly's 18th. Some dark shit happened in that house.

Busted were amazing, childhood dream fulfilled ✔️ #busted #pigscanflytour #pigscanfly #gentingarena #emmablackery #wheatus (at Genting Arena)

#emmablackery #gentingarena #pigscanflytour #busted #wheatus #pigscanfly

haleystudies-deactivated2017062

This is a matter very close to my heart. I have bipolar I disorder and ADHD as a result of bipolar. There aren’t many big posts about studying with mental illnesses so I figured I would compile a huge list of tips and posts! I’m going to be making a video about this very soon. I hope for all of you struggling that this can help or at least remind you that mental health is more important than school sometimes. Take care of yourself in any way you can. lets get started…

Studying with Mental Illness

Take things slowly. Don’t be afraid to take a week doing one assignment. Making sure that you can focus on assignments can be draining so breaking them down day by day can truly help you. Make a task list with each portion of an assignment mapped out so that you can see exactly what you need to do. I know that i get overwhelmed very easily and seeing smaller things is less daunting then having a list full of HUGE things like research papers and midterms. Seeing it as “write paragraph one” or “review unit one vocab” makes everything less scary.

Nothing has to be pretty. Notes don’t, papers don’t have to be perfect, study guides don’t need to be colorful and cute. What really matters is getting things done. My mom always tells me “even an F is better than a zero” which is so true. Turning things in late is not shameful because you are still turning it in. You still did it and that is something to be proud of.

Study somewhere other than your room or your house. Make sure there are people there. Surrounding yourself with others will allow you to feel less isolated and sometimes more motivated to do things. You can’t take naps when you’re at a Panera or Starbucks either. People can be motivating, they can remind you that you are not alone, they can hold you accountable for what you have to do. Get out of your bed where you can sit and stare at the wall and go to a coffee shop or the library where other people are doing work. This always helps me get on track.

Study in short bursts. Don’t wear yourself out with work. Find out when your concentration peaks and go with that. I usually work the best around 2pm so I have to make sure that I have eaten and showered before then so that I can capture that time to focus on my studies.

Don’t beat yourself up. Studying just takes a lot more effort other days when depression hits you the worst. There might be days when you can barely get yourself out of bed but know that you do have the ability to succeed and that depression just has to suck sometimes.

Get yourself out of bed. Shower. Change your clothes. Read a single page. Look at only one thing you have to do so you aren’t overwhelmed. That is something to be proud of and know that I am proud of what you did!

Study in a routine style. Let yourself have a routine that you can fall into. Try pomodoros or study games, Create a routine that you can stick to

If you don’t feel like doing anything… work for 5 minutes. You may feel more motivated or up, or you will at least be able to say that you have done something.

HYDRATE. I’m really awful at drinking a lot of water, but it helps so much with both anxiety and depression. Water keeps you moving and awake. SO drink that H2O guys

Helpful Links

Staying Sane on Campus

Tips to stay mentally and emotionally healthy while you study

How to school when mentally Ill

A student’s guide to coping with PTSD

Study and Mental Health

Back to School with Mental Illness

Depression

Studying with Depression

Depression study tips

Studying through Depression

6 Tips To Get Motivated When You’re Feeling Depressed

Five Ways To Deal With Depression During Exams

Anxiety

Anxiety in Grad school

Dealing with Stress and Anxiety

Studying with Anxiety

Get Ready for School If You Suffer From Anxiety

Living & Studying with Anxiety

Tips on studying with Anxiety

Exams & Anxiety

ADHD

How to succeed with ADHD

10 Study tips for ADHD students

ADHD Studyblr masterpost

Apps for ADHD Students

I couldn’t find any resources about OCD, BPD, PTSD (found one jk), or bipolar for that fact so keep on the lookout for any additions to this post if I find anything more! If all else fails, just google things. That always helps me. Message me personally if you have any questions about my struggles or need some specific advice! I love you all so much and I am so proud of you!! xx Haley

UPDATE: I’ve added quite a few new links!!!

ellabambini

Reblogging for future purposes and other people.