19. Dummy Discipline: A Big Change in Our Dynamic
Hello, dear community! Emma here, your Mummy-in-training, with another update on our MDLB and FLR journey. Last week, we made a big change that I’ve been eager to share—I introduced a large dummy (pacifier) into our dynamic, inspired by some wonderful recommendations from this community. It’s been a bit of a rocky start with some pushback from James, but I’m starting to see it take hold in ways I hadn’t expected. I’d love to hear from others who’ve incorporated something similar into their dynamics and how it’s worked for you!
Why a Dummy? A New Tool for Discipline and Comfort
I first got the idea for a dummy after reading about how other Mummies use them as both a disciplinary tool and a source of comfort in their dynamics. It seemed like a perfect addition for us—something that could reinforce the little headspace we’re cultivating while also giving me a new way to address small misbehaviors or provide comfort when I’m not able to offer breastfeeding (like when I’m in the middle of cooking or tidying up). I picked out a large, soft dummy in a neutral blue color, thinking it would feel substantial enough for James without being too “babyish” in appearance.
I set some simple rules around it: Mummy puts the dummy in, and it stays in until I take it out or say he can remove it. I decided to use it in two ways—first, as a punishment for things like swearing or grumpiness, to help him calm down and reflect; and second, as a comfort item when I don’t have the time or space to get my boobs out for a nursing session but he’s clearly needing some soothing. It felt like a versatile tool that could fit into our dynamic in multiple ways, and I was excited to see how it would work.
The Introduction: Pushback and Holding Firm
When I first introduced the dummy to James, I’ll admit it didn’t go as smoothly as I’d hoped. I presented it to him one evening after he’d snapped at me for asking him to tidy up his Lego—nothing major, just a grumpy “Can’t it wait?” that felt a bit too sharp for our dynamic. I calmly told him that his tone wasn’t okay and that I had a new consequence to help him settle down. I showed him the dummy, explained the rules, and told him to open his mouth so I could put it in for 10 minutes as a reminder to speak kindly.
His reaction was immediate—he pushed back hard. “Seriously, Emma? This is too much,” he said, his face turning red. He went on about how he hated the childish nature of it, saying it felt even more embarrassing than the early bedtime or the chore chart. I could tell it made him uncomfortable, and for a moment, I second-guessed myself. But I held firm—I reminded him that this dynamic is about trust and structure, and sometimes that means trying new things, even if they feel a bit silly at first. I told him it wasn’t up for debate, and after a bit of back-and-forth, he reluctantly opened his mouth and let me put it in.
That first time, he stood in the corner with it in for 10 minutes (a double consequence since he’d been grumpy), and I could see him fidgeting, clearly not thrilled. But he kept it in, and when I took it out, I gave him a big hug and told him I was proud of him for trying. We talked a bit about why I’d chosen this—he admitted it felt “really weird” but didn’t argue further, which I took as a small win.
Beyond discipline, I’ve also started using the dummy as a comfort item in moments when James seems to need soothing but I can’t stop to nurse him. For example, the other day I was in the middle of cooking dinner when he came home looking frazzled after a tough day at work. Normally, I might have called him over for a quick breastfeeding session to help him calm down, but with my hands full, I decided to try the dummy instead. I popped it in, sat him down at the kitchen table with his Lego, and told him to relax for a bit while I finished up. He gave me a skeptical look at first, but after a few minutes, I noticed him sucking away quietly, his shoulders relaxing as he fiddled with his bricks. It was the sweetest thing to see—it worked just as I’d hoped, giving him a little piece of comfort without me needing to drop everything.
How It’s Going: Sticking and Sucking Happily (So Far)
After that initial pushback, I’ve been using the dummy consistently over the past week—both as a consequence and for comfort—and it seems to be sticking. James hasn’t fought it as much as I expected after that first day. When he swore under his breath while struggling with a tricky Lego set a couple of days ago, I sent him to the corner with the dummy for 15 minutes, and he went without complaint, sucking away quietly while he stood there. And yesterday, when I noticed him getting a bit antsy during his bedtime routine, I popped it in for comfort, and he settled into our cuddles without a fuss.
I wouldn’t say he loves it—he still gives me a bit of a side-eye when I pull it out—but he’s starting to accept it as part of our routine. I’ve even caught him sucking on it absentmindedly a few times, like when he’s deep in thought with his Lego, which makes me think it might be growing on him more than he’s letting on. We’ll see how he feels about it during our next monthly check-in—I’m curious to hear his thoughts when we’re speaking as equals. For now, though, I’m feeling encouraged by how it’s settling into our dynamic.
Introducing the dummy has added such an interesting layer to our dynamic—it’s another way for me to reinforce my role as Mummy while giving James a tangible reminder of his place as my little boy. I love how it works as both a disciplinary tool and a source of comfort, depending on the moment. It’s also been a good test of my ability to hold firm when he pushes back—I’m learning to trust my instincts as Mummy and stick with what I think is best for us, even when he’s not fully on board at first.
That said, I’m mindful of not overusing it—I don’t want it to become something he resents or feels humiliated by in a bad way. I’m trying to balance it with lots of love and reassurance, so he knows it’s coming from a place of care, not just control. So far, it seems to be working, but I’ll keep checking in with myself (and him) to make sure it’s adding to our dynamic in a positive way.
I’d love to hear from others in the community—especially those who recommended trying a dummy! How did your partner adjust to it over time, and did you find it worked better for discipline, comfort, or both? For those whose partners pushed back like James did, how did you help them come around? And if you’ve got any tips for keeping it a positive part of the dynamic—not something that feels too “childish” in a way that might turn him off—I’m all ears.
Thank you for being here as we navigate this new change. I’m so grateful for your suggestions and support—it’s made such a difference in how we’re growing together.
With all my love,
Emma (aka Mummy) 💕
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