marcher par la foi

199x presently learning what encumbrances I truly have in my heart and looking to Him to make me grow day after day

[elle-vit]

Grow as we go

Countless times, I wish I lived a different life.

Countless times, I wish I could choose my family.

Countless times, I wish things were not they were.

But also, countless times, I reminded that it's not up to me.

I've always thought that, as we grow older, the more self-confident we become. But as it seems from my experience, it's just the childhood traumas that keep resurfacing more and more.

These days, or months rather, I've fallen into a deep introspective state. I've had some time to reflect on my situations, my reactions to those situations, and also thought about why I reacted that way.

Growing up, my father was not physically around. He had to work abroad because life is hard from where we are. So, that left me with my mother and brother. For the past 16 years, I've had so experiences with family that made me jaded with the thought of having my own family someday. Now, before we carry on, please don't get me wrong. I feel no ill towards my family. I would do anything for them because that's what I've been used to doing my whole life. Ever since my father had to work abroad, there had been multiple times that my mother had been physically ill and mentally in need of assistance, and as the eldest child, the responsibility inevitably fell on me. I didn't want it but it was mine to keep.

The first time my mother had to be hospitalized, I was just a teen. A mere 14-year old kid. No knowledge about paperwork whatsoever. And I had no one to teach me. So, I had to compartmentalize, postpone sadness, and focus on getting things done. Swallowing my shyness and juggling my studies, all the while watching my mom at the noisy hospital ward, trying to sleep through all the crying babies around me. I would get so busy that I would forget that I'm actually tired and sad. I also couldn't tell my dad because him being far is actually a different kind of anxiety for him; I didn't want to add to that. I just had to do my best on my own. My mom had another major operation in Cebu when I was in my senior year of high school, and post-operation condition mandated that she be free from any form of stress--quite an impossible task when your younger brother is going through a storm of his own. Tumultuous ones. I was left in the middle--between a fragile mother and a turbulent brother. I had to be the stable one, the glue, the calm--whatever you want to call it. I had no time to listen and calm my own emotions because everything else was much louder and needed tending to. I remember my dad's words: "Atimana gyud atong pamilya, day, kay basin wala na koy balikan kung mabungkag ta." I think, during that time, my father was not fully aware of how heavy a burden I placed on myself just to keep that word, just to keep the family together so that he could come back to it. I grew up learning that I can't trust anyone else but myself. Not even family. In fact, family can be the heaviest burden you will carry your whole life.

Okay, so that was just a condensed back story. What's my point? I have come to realize how much all of these truly impacted the way that I see life, people, and myself. Back then, I focused on surviving. I had no time to psychologize myself with everything I've been through.

When it comes to relationships, be it friendship or what, I am highly selective. Not because I have a high standard, gosh no. I tend to keep the people who are okay with my flaws, who embrace me at my lowest. These people are so hard to find, especially if people are only used to seeing you as the strong one. In my mind, I always expect people to disappoint me. I've learned that if I keep it that way, any sort of downward change won't faze me at all. At least, if the person is actually okay, things can only go up. But this also caused me to push people away when I see a slight change in their attitude towards me. I was so sensitive to that. My inner monologue would always say, "Oh, they don't love you anymore. They've reached their limit with you." And once I see that change, I would slowly disconnect myself to avoid getting hurt even further. Even though it's sad to not have mutual feelings in relationships, I would comfort myself by saying, "You're fine being alone, Gen. People hurt you, anyway. It's better this way." And I would miraculously be fine and functional within a short period of time. I delete and sever all sorts of connections because I don't want to be reminded of them through anything anymore. As mechanical as that. When someone tries to show intention towards me, I scrutinize so closely, looking for signs of unreliability and irresponsibility. Any negative sign will immediately put me off no matter how previously invested I was. I would never want to be with someone who will put me in the same situation as I was with my family--forever the responsible one. I want somebody I can rest with, preferably someone I can depend on, for a change. Somebody I can work with. I don't know if this is too much. With the endless uncertainties in life, I feel like it's too much to ask for someone to be your consistent pillar.

Recently, I found a song that spoke in loads of volumes to me.

I initially saw it on some random playlist on my YouTube algorithm and the title caught my eye. I liked it before I heard the first note. And the moment I listened to the song, I was bawling 'til the end. There's so much grace involved in growing with someone, especially when I'm looking for someone "stable" and I'm also trying to conjure perfection in myself. It's a bar too high to reach.

So...I was led to pray again. My soul is so complicated. I don't know the way out. I don't know if I can ever open myself so purely to another person again, with all the things that go through my mind. So, I just told the Lord, "Lord, if it is Your will for me to marry, please make me simple. Stop my thoughts and let me hear Your voice. Make it loud and strong, Lord. Make me willing to grow with the person You have arranged for me." It's so humbling to realize that there is so much more to learn with a God-given person in your life. Despite the trauma, I have to hear His voice. Let His voice be louder than my demons. Let His voice be the one that pulls me through. I pray that when he finally comes, the Lord will make my heart open and soft to follow His leading in this aspect of my life.

[elle-vit]

To all the Things that Hurt Us

I’ve always avoided pain. Tried to. Used every possible means I could think of just so I could minimize the damage I am foreseeing in any possible situation. The reason for that is this--I’m unpredictable when hurt. I do crazy things. I say things I regret in hindsight. I just go off the rails, and it mostly does not benefit me nor the people around me. So, generally, I avoid pain for the sake of myself and others.

But, who am I kidding? As we are down the road of life, the hurts come as curveballs that we can never prepare for, and naturally, I spiral into a heap of mess. Going through day after day, no strength to get out of bed or to even cook a pack of instant noodles for some comfort food. You’re just there. Existing, alive, and yet not living. It seems to me that when problems become too much to bear, it seems as good as death, or the better option than being alive. Those are the overwhelming thoughts that we never realize are meant to be mere passing thoughts, never intended to be acted upon.

To be honest, I’ve been on a binge, watching a series of movies--both rom-coms and heavy drama. The latter seems to have much benefit on the human consciousness, but romcom? One might think there’s not much to pick up from (or so I thought). People probably view romcoms as an escape from the bitterness that we so often encounter from the things that we love. But this evening, I’ve found myself to have common ground with one of the movies and with my life. Watching Definitely, Maybe, William Hayes had a lot of twists and turns in his love life. First, he was so in love with his college girlfriend and almost proposed to her, even knelt down in front of her somewhere in Central Park, but nothing came out of it after she confessed to cheating on him with his roommate back in Wisconsin. Second, he falls madly in love with Summer, one whom I think had a much deeper and more mature connection with him in terms of direction and ambition in life. However, that, too, had its curveball when she and him started wanting to go to a certain direction using different ways--those ways being possibly hurting each other professionally since Summer was a journalist who wrote something against the candidate that Will was working for to win as governor. The connection was really there, but this was a brick wall for the two of them; there were some values within them that were non-negotiable. A few years passed, and Will evolved from being on top of his game, down to a train wreck after breaking up with Summer, and then one day, he meets Emily again. Imagine meeting that one person again--someone who hurt you so much, who made you feel like the world was about to end. Those re-encounters are tricky because they pose as triggers hence people usually avoid these. But it can also go another way. You meet them again and you’re finally okay to laugh at what were previously considered meltdown moments in your life. Mentioning that person’s name used to be a huge no-no because it had the power to ruin your mood, your day, and then after all those years...I guess Time really has tricks up its sleeves.

So, you may ask: How are you relating to this, Gen?

I’ve been thinking about how to come to terms with the things that hurt us even if they never apologized. Is it worth the grudge to keep after all these years? Should I still feel ill towards them for that brief yet revolutionizing moment in my past, or should I just see it as a lesson and be more glad of where I am now? It’s like you want to resolve the grudge by talking it over with them and let all those feelings out finally, but maybe that doesn’t happen sometimes. 

I feel like it all boils down to what you value right now. Is it more valuable to let them know how terrible they were to you in the past? Or is it more valuable to celebrate where you are right now after all those wretchedness in your life?

These questions take time to answer, I believe. Time and soul-searching. I’ve had my share of probably five to six years of soul-searching and healing and getting hurt and then healing again. What a rollercoaster, right? But my point here is this: whenever a problem presently makes you feel you want to die, give it some time. Don’t die just yet. Test the waters just to see if you really can’t live without something or someone. By the way, it’s different from you won’t live without someone, because that only shows you’re not trying.

I believe all these waves of problems are real, but waves crash and turn into bubbles towards the end, too. I’m not trying to downplay anything, but just think about it. Try it. This is actually a mental note to myself as well.

When you can see the waves coming, or you’re presently drowning in them right now, think about the bubbles...and how the waves calm down and go back to the sea.

I guess that’s all I have to say for now. 

[elle-vit]

10 Life Lessons You Learn After Turning 30

Rejection is a form of fear that stops us all from being our best selves and reaching our full potential.

Turning 25 in a few days and I can say that I’ve been gradually learning all of these already. Learning, in the process.

[elle-vit]

Marriage

No, I’m not getting married yet. That’s just the title. Don’t trip.

I’ve talked a little about this on my Instagram; over the last two years, many of my peers have been getting married one after another, and it’s been filling my Facebook feed since. At the beginning, it was cute and I’d get excited to witness their wedding. But eventually, instead of having “Are you willing to take so and so as your lawful wedded spouse?” as the most resounding question in a wedding ceremony, it has become “When are you getting married?” It seems like people are so interested with the lives of the unmarried ones instead of focusing on those who are opening a new chapter in their lives. I don’t know if this is Filipino culture, but it’s getting tiring to keep hearing these words over and over. When left alone, I don’t really care much for it because I have already talked about it with the Lord, and we’ve already come to an agreement about it, but when others try to redirect your focus on this matter, it bothers me a lot and I have to go to the Lord again to be reminded of what we’ve talked about.

On the other hand, as I’ve grown and learned things here and there, I’ve come to have a slight impression of what marriage really is. When we were kids, we used to think that marriage is a “happy ending” as portrayed in movies, and although there is a slight reality to that--having someone you can be partners in life with for the rest of your existence is delightful--love is not enough when it comes to marriage. Love is of great significance in this lifetime partnership because it’s what makes you stay despite all the imperfections you start to see, but it’s not the whole story. I think this is the reason why people probably find it relatively easy to break up when the feeling is gone. They think it’s enough of a reason to let go when the “feeling” is no longer there. But actually, as I have observed from my own parents, love is not something that miraculously comes and willfully goes--it’s something that you choose to do regardless of reason or circumstance. I’ve asked my Mama before, “Was there ever a time you felt like you didn’t love Papa anymore?” She said, “You made a promise to be there for each other for the rest of your life. So, if the feeling is gone, you must not have done a good job at taking care of it.” She has also always told me that you have to take care of love. It’s not a dead and a passive thing--it’s something that you nurture within each other, and in the process of this nurturing, a lot of human and practical concerns can get in the way and test the strength of your nurturing bond. Things like bills, finances, differences in outlooks, personal growth--these can all take different turns in the course of life that can either lead you towards or away from the person you promised your life with. So I think marriage takes a lot more than love; it also takes a lot of will and faith to stay together.

Personally, I am someone whose walls are very high because of my past experience. I’ve always been so wary about the people that I let into my life, and if something or someone leaves me impressions of pain and hurt, the trust just really goes out the window for everybody else. It’s hard to give other people chances to be let into your life again. A few people have actually tried, but they didn’t last long, much to my dismay. Sometimes, I think, maybe I’m too uptight or maybe they just couldn’t wait. I don’t know for sure. Maybe they had easier options aside from me, and that thought makes me sad.

When you pray for someone to be your spouse, a little hiccup shouldn’t send you away, right? Because you’ve prayed about it to the Lord and had the peace to pursue that person. You shouldn’t give up that easily. At least that’s what I think. So, when people don’t stay long enough, I’m thinking maybe they didn’t pray for me in that way or maybe they’ve come to a realization that we weren’t meant to be based on their personal fellowship with the Lord. The latter reason is definitely a much better one than the former. It doesn’t cheapen the separation. However, the former reason really irks me and makes my heart sad. We shouldn’t approach people in a certain way when we are not certain or pure with our motives. However, on the flip side, I also believe that making mistakes in these things is part of the learning process, so I don’t really take it to heart as long as the person is sincerely willing to learn.

So am I ready for marriage at 25? Financially, no. Emotionally, I’m not sure. Mentally, probably not. Physically, I have doubts. Spiritually, I haven’t even asked the Lord about that. 

It seems like marriage takes a lot more than strong emotions, and I don’t plan to recklessly enter into it just because people expect adults my age to get it together by now. I want to take my time with the Lord. If it comes, it will most likely come in the Lord’s time and according to His choice and reason. I’ve learned not to do this matter according to my timeline or preference because that didn’t end so well before.

A brother once said that prior to entering marriage, you’ve got to keep your eyes open--make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into-- and once you’ve entered, it’s time to close your eyes and ask the Lord to strengthen your will to choose your partner every day.

You may ask, “Are you afraid of marriage?” No, I’m not afraid of the concept of it; I even honor it because it is ordained by God. I more of intimidated by the idea of a lifelong responsibility, and I’m afraid of not being ready enough before entering. You may say, “We’re never really ready.” You’re right. But I want to be able to prepare as much as I can so that I won’t regret not giving what I could.

So, yeah, I guess these are my thoughts about marriage. My 25th birthday is up and coming, and I feel like this decade of my life is going to be very interesting compared to the previous one. 

We’ll see where and how the Lord will lead us. This is my safest and best assurance and salvation. So for now, what do I do? Pray and wait. And stay away from questions during weddings. Hihi!

[elle-vit]

Year 25 Approaches

Little by little, I’m learning to forgive myself.

I’m learning to accept that I don’t know everything, and that’s okay.

Little by little, I’m loving I am as God made me.

I no longer wish to change myself just so someone would love the idea of me.

I finally love the actual me than the person I’ve created in my mind.

Growing up, I never felt like I was enough. Fat and awkward, I’ve always felt like a standout out from the family and in a wrong kind of way. For years and years, I’ve sought and tried to win your approval. I even made a checklist for myself, you see. It was entitled “For Me To Be Beautiful, I Have To...”

I told myself I needed to get braces because my teeth were just awful. Secondly, I needed to figure my skin out because my pimple problem was just unbearable. And thirdly, I needed to be skinny--I have to be skinny so that someone will see me as lovable, acceptable. I even found myself unacceptable because of my weight. I hated myself for years for not being able to overcome that issue. One guy also told me before, “Kabalo ka, crush na unta tika...kung niwang lang ka.” Just when I thought we had something good together because of how much we understood each other, pero it’s still not enough. Who I am inwardly was never going to be enough for anyone because my ugliness just got in the way too much.

I was very unkind to myself. I didn’t give myself the chance to think that I was good enough at that point in my life. I always wanted to be more. I was always in a struggle to accept myself according to the standards of others. And it was so difficult because people always wanted more and more even if you’ve given your all. I was never going to be enough, I told myself.

But after going through some points in my life and meeting people who stood the test of time, I realized that I am lovable. One person even said that my imperfections and unpredictable moods don’t mean much because I am so worth it as a person. A part of me makes me doubt because how I look now is a far cry from how I used to look during high school and college, but the greatest thing I’m trying to see know is how I actually am as a person and that I am enough for myself.

I stopped trying to please others. I got so tired of it. I stopped asking them how they wanted me to be or how they wanted me to look like, and I started paying attention to what actually makes me happy.

I’m thankful for the people who saw the good in me even if they didn’t stay forever. They helped me see that I am worth everything despite what I think of myself.

So this 2020, I’m continuing my journey of accepting myself. Even if I grow fat or skinny, I just want to stay healthy. Even if I get too quiet or overbearing, I will allow myself to see these sides of myself, and even let people in even if I have a chance to get hurt further down the road.

Life’s too short to be filled with apprehensions.

I’m praying for a stronger year as I turn 25.

I acknowledge that I will always be a work in progress, and that I don’t have to have everything together at a certain point in my life. At the very least, we must learn things here and there but we can’t have it all, and that’s okay.

Gen, be kind to yourself, okay? The Lord chose you despite knowing all who you are, so you should learn to give these things to Him.

It took me so long to see that I don’t have to be someone else or to have a certain figure to love myself. I need to learn to love myself because I am precious to Him. If someone else sees it, that would be amazing, but it can’t be diminishing to my happiness.

[elle-vit]

To the boy I used to know

I'm finally here. I'm finally in this place of healing. I'm finally no longer waiting for answers. I'm finally okay with this wall in between. And I'm finally okay with writing all this without a sigh of regret.

Many say that first love never dies, and I think they're right. There's something about sharing your life with someone for the first time that makes it so monumental, so memorable--so easily difficult to replace. And although, for years, I thought I didn't love you, but I think I did. I finally admit it now.

When I left three years ago, all I had in mind was to escape the pain that was present. I thought postponing the sensation would eventually lead to numbness, and that would eventually lead to healing. But I was wrong. In a span of two years of being away from you, I feel like I was maintaining an internal wound--uncertain if it needed immediate treatment or waiting for a certain kind of medication to make it all go away. Thoughts in my head were like, "If I just don't think of him, if I'll just think of someone else, maybe this will all go away." And I did forget you, at least my mind did. But little did I know, 2018 would be the year reckoned to re-open a wound I painstakingly tried to stitch together myself.

There's a danger in postponing emotions after all. You deceive yourself for so long that the feeling is gone, only to be smacked in the face that it's still there once you see him again. Suddenly, all the forgottens become what-if's and a series of "I wish"; your return came into my life like a vengeance I never saw coming. Moreover, your return also entailed a lot of why's and an unending "That should have been me" breakdowns. You were always the sweetest. I didn't care if you were the same to other girls; I just cared that someone actually cared to be sweet to a girl like me. I was never the likeable one, never the pretty one, never the popular one, but for some bloody reason, you saw me and cherished me, and that was hard to believe.

But you know what's the hardest to believe, though? That you finally found someone who could treat you better than I did. Someone who wouldn't leave you selfishly, someone who would hold your heart. Unlike me, who was so afraid to hold your heart without realizing how much you already held mine. You were my perfection, but I wasn't yours...anymore.

I was crushed.

My heart broke, even if I initially thought such a phenomenon was an exaggeration. A broken heart became a human possibility to me.

I even cried to the Lord, complaining to Him for allowing such heart-wrenching pain to happen to me. "Lord, why can't it be us? Two years ago, we couldn't be. Until now, we still can't be?! Is this a stupendous stroke of bad timing?!" I was amazed with my remarkable sense of unfortunate pacing. Was I really never going to get it right when it came to you?

But I am learning now that healing is actually a process, and that it is not always peaceful and quiet nor is it beautiful at all times as they sometimes say it is. There are times that it's ugly, and there seems to be no end for the hurt; you feel like you are unable to breathe because the psychological pain has become so physical already.

I never saw healing in this light before until now.

But now, I have come to the understanding that I had to go through all that for me to be happy where I am now--no longer running away from the pain, but facing all of them head on and not leaving any room for regret anymore. In all these experiences, the Lord taught me so much about what love really means. I have realized that, one, that I do not know how to love like Him, and it takes a lot of dealing to let the Lord love through me. Two, love is seeing him happy even if it's not with me, and being okay with it--it's the Lord's present choice for you and him. And three, taking care of myself is also love; I learned not to be apologetic for consciously blocking out things and people who do not help with my journey of moving forward.

I thank the Lord for everything, still. To have had such a messy arrangement stretch for years finally reach a peaceful end of the line--this is such a grace. I learned so much. Truthfully, I wouldn't have had it any other way because I see it now that the dealing was perfect for my growth. Such wisdom can only come from the Author of my faith, and the years weren't wasted after all because it led my feet and heart closer to my Lord. Such sovereignty, I cannot help but worship and praise.

Finally,

The hidden heartaches that only you could understand,

The tears that had yet to be shed with you,

The apologies that have long been postponed,

And the thank you's in between sobs.

Everything has been said, it has been done,

And all the pain has finally led to peace.

Although I am not fully healed yet, but I'm very much in the process still, even more than ever. More so, I am excited to have my heart whole again. By myself, I cannot do it, but I have learned to give it to the Lord, having realized repeatedly of my incapacity.

I know you want to be, but I'm sorry if we can't be friends now. Someday? I don't know. Nothing is ever in our hands. "We'll cross the bridge when we get there", as they say. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for keeping the distance for my healing's sake. Up to this point, you always choose to understand. I don't know why, but thank you.

I wish you well in everything that you do. You have always been so good, so I hope life treats you well. We have finally come to this after years and years of uncertainty and hope. First love may never die, but I am learning to continue living without it and allow the Lord to change my definition of things as needed. I have learned to give Him that freedom now.

This is finally the door to close, but surprisingly the light at the end of the tunnel as well. No regrets. No more pain. Just healing and lessons learned.

Thank you and goodbye,

From the girl who is finally happy to let you go.

[elle-vit]

Term 4.2 (Kasibu, Nueva Vizcaya)

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Term 4.1 (Atimonan, Gumaca, Plaridel)

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Term 3.2 (Baguio)

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Term 3.1 (Makati)

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Term 1.2

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Term 2.2 (Proofreading)

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Term 2.1 (Bocaue, Bulacan)

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Term 1.2 <br><i>(Lucban, Lucena)</i></br>

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Term 1.1

Putting all these photos here, in a much safer space :)

[elle-vit]

One thing I know, the world may think it's a waste to spend my life serving God but, the truth is, you can't find any other life that gives you long-lasting happiness and genuine contentment. A Christian's life will never be just a life full of positive things, but when we see God's sovereign arrangement behind everything that happens to us, we are assured that everything will work out for the best--we gain Him.

[elle-vit]

Tomorrow, I go back to the Full-Time Training in Malabon. For my friends who do not know, I will be consecrating 2 years of my life to the Lord--for life, truth, gospel, and service. No, it is not a seminary, like how many perceive it. Simply, it is a focused dedication of myself for His economy. Today, I turned 21 and graduated from college. The Lord has blessed me with so much. Yet, this training is not a way to give back to Him per se. To serve the Lord is not a favor we give to Him; rather, it is a privilege on our part. In line with His economy, it is not enough that I, that we, be well-versed in our secular education. We also need to come to the full knowledge of the truth (1Tim. 2:4), and mature in life--that is, to learn to increase our dependence on Him. Yes, maybe, in our day to day life, in our church life, we get to experience Him, but there is just so much worldly traffic that distract us. I want to enjoy Him as my topmost enjoyment and to grow in a regulated way, not in a wild way, and the training is the proper place to achieve that--an atmosphere that facilitates and accommodates such a need. I am not saying that I am dropping things and people all together; in my self, I have no strength to let go. Only He can enable me to see and let go of whatever hinders my enjoyment of Him. Even as I go, I want to continue renewing my consecration to Him--an absolute surrender of myself and my future. I am praying that, through this training and the years that will follow after two years, I gain more of Him as my life and learn to fully depend on the Lord by exercising my faith. Whether I proceed for MA after training or wherever He may bring me, He knows what's best. That's why fellowship with Him through our spirit is so important; it keeps us connected to Him and His speaking so we don't go astray so to speak. May the Lord find us faithful in so doing when He comes back. He's coming soon, these moments are so precious. I'll see you whenever, everyone! Jesus is Lord, the great I AM.