Just finished 13 reasons why.
Honestly didn’t think I’d make it all the way through because it moved pretty slow for me and it was so graphic and explicit. It was a lot for me to stomach and I do NOT put my stamp of recommendation on watching it, it’s very intense and inappropriate but nonetheless I’ve seen it and I just feel so compelled to write this.
I’ve never been suicidal. I didn’t relate to Hannah’s thought process. However I’m very close with people who’ve felt that way and still struggle and I know it’s a very real reality for way too many people. It breaks my heart to know people are walking around seeing the world through such a distorted lens to believe that they are truly hopeless like that but at the same time, I’ve been hopeless. I’ve hated myself. I’ve looked at myself in a funhouse mirror and later realized just how incredibly off I was. I can’t act like I’ve never been down or never seen myself in an absolutely horrible way. I’ve been there. Not all the way there but I’ve been down.
But that’s not what I wanna say right now. I want to say that things will change, wherever you’re at right now. I want to remind anyone who needs to hear it that you matter. You’re important. Nothing that’s happened to you and nothing you’ve done in your life has made you a better or worse person. You have always been beautiful and valuable and IMPORTANT and you always will be. It’s NOT hopeless. It’s not gonna be this way forever. The people around you who are mistreating you won’t always be there, you will have your day to get away from them and you will see the sunshine again.
Anyone who’s ever been on an airplane knows that the sun is always shining above the clouds. It’s easy to forget that when it’s just grey all the time but nevertheless, the sun is always there. It. Is. Always. There. Whether you see it, feel it, believe it or not. The sun is like your beauty and your value. You don’t need to experience it. You don’t need anyone to tell you it’s there. Me saying it’s there doesn’t make it real, just like the sun. The sun was already there before anyone mentioned it and it will still be there no matter how many clouds come and cover it up. Clouds are just water and they are no match for the great fiery ball of light that basically keeps us all alive. Think of how powerful the sun is in comparison to the clouds. Think of how quickly clouds can disperse when they come in contact with the right elements. They never last forever. But we don’t think about how powerful the sun is when it’s raining. Rain can come down hard. It can take all the warmth away. It feels like it’s gone forever sometimes. But it’s not.
You’re not alone, you’re not worthless, you’re not ugly, you’re not bad, you’re not useless, hopeless, “too far gone”, shipwrecked, a waste of space, a burden, any of those things. Stop believing these lies. I used to believe them, I know how that feels.
When you don’t try to change things, they don’t usually change. If you don’t work out, you’re probably not gonna wake up with a six pack. If you don’t apply for a job, you probably won’t get it. If you don’t ask someone to hang out or talk, it probably won’t happen. If you don’t tell anyone you’re not okay, they may never know. Yes, you can try to make things happen and they can fall through but at least you tried. Sometimes things don’t work but sometimes they do. It’s not enough to drop hints. It’s not enough to just want a dream. It’s not enough to hope people will just come through for you. Life gets better when you make it better, I can tell you that from experience. You don’t get all the things you work for but you WILL get some of them. You don’t get all the things you want BUT YOU WILL GET SOME OF THEM. Not everyone apologizes BUT SOME PEOPLE WILL. Not everyone comes through for you BUT SOME PEOPLE WILL. This is why faith is faith. It’s trusting in something that’s not guaranteed. That’s the beauty of life. That’s what makes any victory sweet. When it’s not promised. When you failed in the past. When you didn’t get it the first time. When you had to try again, and sometimes again and again and again. When you don’t give up. When you FIGHT the voices telling you you can’t. When you prove the negative people wrong, including yourself. Because they are wrong.
It hurts when you make yourself vulnerable in front of someone and they hurt you but that moment of pain only makes it more incredible when someone experiences you at your most vulnerable and they actually do protect you. These moments aren’t always common in our lives, they don’t happen every day or even every year sometimes but they make life worth living. And they can happen more often when we allow them to.
We are all connected by our brokenness. We are all the same in the way that none of us is innocent. None of us is without sin. None of us can truly say “I’ve never been there”, because we all have in one way or another. You may not relate to someone’s situation but at one point, you did or you will relate to their pain. That’s why no one is alone. That’s also why we need to take more pity on people when they mess up. You don’t have to agree with the bad things people do but you don’t have to let them define people either. INCLUDING YOURSELF. Have mercy on people when they mess up the way you’d want them to have mercy on you. You are not your actions. You are not your failures. You are not your wins or your losses. You are more than the number of times people accepted or rejected you.
Anyway, I just wanted to say it’s never hopeless. You’re NEVER too far gone. I’ve watched my life sink to the absolute bottom of the ocean and I have watched it rise all the way back up, past the surface of the sea and into the sky. I’ve watched it go from the worst it ever was to better than it’s ever been and honestly those awful moments made it possible. The farther you’ve been down, the higher you can go up because you will appreciate those moments of peace or victory more than anyone. Don’t trick yourself. Don’t get lost inside your head, it can get dark in there. Shine the light on it. Share yourself with the world. Let people know what you’re thinking. Make your presence known because your presence is valuable and 100% important. You matter. You deserve a good life and I’m happy to tell you that YOU CAN HAVE IT. You WILL have it, all you have to do is stick around and watch it get better. And of course, the more you can dream and plan and work toward it, the sooner it can get here. Empower yourself. Realize how possible it is to change things for yourself. Start small and work your way up. Take care of yourself. Write down a list of things you love and enjoy and start doing them. Start having more of that in your life. Get excited. Get ready. Get started.
But if you’re way down right now and you just don’t have the motivation to do that, just breathe and know that this too shall pass. It. Will. Tomorrow could be the day that everything changes. It could be the day that some things change. It could be the day that one little thing changes and the awesome part is you can do that. You’re never really gonna have full control but you’re almost always gonna have at least a little. It’s time to do something with that. You deserve it, you really do. Even just doing tiny things here and there to remind yourself you’re not powerless in your own life, it can change so much. You can make changes today. You can get the things you want. You are a powerful, beautiful, talented, sweet, kind, pleasant, loving, caring, amazing person with so much to give and so much to get out of life. You deserve good things and I hope you feel that one day. I know you can get there. Never forget that I believe in you and so do so many people and we all want you to be here and rock it hard and figure it out little by little. You don’t have to change the entire world. You don’t have to make big waves. Your life means something either way. Your. Life. Means. So. Much. Always remember that.
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