adulting one day at a time @ellertel - Tumblr Blog

Recent events made me think that I might not want to have kids. Everyone already knows that life is hard. I do not want to pass my problems and hopes to my future children. I don’t want them to feel the burden I feel right now. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, but as much as I love them, I know how this burden feels like and I can’t bear to have my kids go through what I’m going through right now. It doesn’t seem fair.

It’s unfair to have these kinds of responsibilities this young. It’s unfair to have your whole self....... fade this way.

I feel like I can't rant about real life stuff anymore. Idk if it's because I can't find the right people to vent to or if I just don't have enough energy to. Like when you sorta find the opportunity to do so, you're just like "U know what? Forget it." I guess trying to rant about something and not having the person respond the way you expect is worse than not having to rant at all (well, that's the case for me).

I have rants in life that I think when I say out loud will absolutely be taken differently by people. I will be the bad guy. I will be the inconsiderate little fella.

It's eating me up.

I’m so tired. It’s hard to complain nowadays because a lot of people have bigger problems, like not having a job or getting sick. As for me, as someone with a job and is healthy, I feel like these feelings can be seen as a complaint of the ~ privileged~ thus, treated invalid.

But I AM tired. REALLY tired. I feel like everyday is just a dragging pile of work or a scary shadow of uncertainty. There are times that I just want to let all of these frustrations out, but idk. Somehow I feel like I have the responsibility of motivating other people. I feel like I need to ~seem~ strong. There’s no other place to lean onto. My shoulders are aching and my knees are weak from trying to carry all of these.

There are thoughts in my head that make me feel guilty for even thinking about it. It makes me feel like I’m a bad person. I’m somehow going back to that place. I don’t like it there.

What do I even like now?

It seems I lost interest in hobbies I used to like — drawing, playing instruments, and other crafty stuff. Adulthood kinda hit me hard. All my time at work. All my extra time, spent resting browsing through social media. What has my life become now.

012421

Hello... again.

It's been more than 4 years (i think) since I last posted in my Tumblr account. So I thought about using it again. I missed posting random thoughts.

Yesterday, I was backreading Tumblr posts from both my public and private accounts. These posts entertained me so much. I laughed a lot. Feelings were felt. It made me miss a lot of things during my college years. It was one confusing emotional rollercoaster. But here I am now. Feeling more stable than before. ✨

Let's see if I can keep posting from today.

110216.

#ember people #photoset #college #friends

102816.

#friends #photoset #bibi lubes

102816.

#friends #photoset #bibi lubes

102416.

#friends #photoset #bibi lubes

There will be moments when you believe you're trully okay and there will be moments when you admit that you can't take it any longer. It's funny how those moments, in my case, are easily distinguished. My "okay's" are when I'm with other people. My distractions; people who cheer me up everytime and help me take my mind off things.

#diary #p

Two sides of the story

Sometimes, I wish the mechanics of life would be similar to how things work in most movies: You can always see the two sides of the story. More than one point of view is shown. Every emotion by both of the characters is recognized. Every thought (relevant with the story) that runs in their mind, whether or not said out loud, is exposed. In reality, we don't have the mind reading capabilities that movies bestow upon us as viewers. We can never know what runs in each other's minds, unless one utters it out loud, which can be unfair. The only point of view you see is that of yours. Your victories. Your problems. Your hurt. But, this doesn't imply that the "other" side lacks the same woes. Just because a person doesn't talk about the problems in his or her life doesn't make these burdens inexistent.

#diary #p #ansaveh