Ashes to Ashes → Drabble, Part 1: Nikolas
And when he saw her at the airport the day he arrived in California again, he hardly recognized her. She stood stoically alongside Gabriel - whom he very much approved of, by the way - her face blank of any and all emotion. It terrified him. But, as expected, he hid it behind his facade of indifference. As he approached, he shook Gabriel's hand and looked to his daughter again, noting the deep bags under her eyes and the sallow discoloring to her skin. She'd lost weight too, he could tell immediately that her bones were much too prominent. It scared him more than ever, but he hugged her all the same, hiding his expression behind her back. She was clearly going through a rough time and he hadn't been here for her at all. Instead he'd tried to isolate her from the young man she obviously cared deeply for, despite Nikolas' obvious dislike for him.
As the memory faded, Nikolas loosened his tie and walked into the bathroom at his home in San Diego. He hadn't been here in years and it was quite nostalgic to be back. Flipping on the light, he walked straight to the mirror and glared at the man looking back at him. What a fool he was. He hadn't even realized how long it had been since the last time he'd seen his Elliana in person until now. He hadn't realized how much time he'd let pass before returning to her and being a proper father - and grandfather. After he let his hands drop to the counter top, he saw the man he'd become. No mask, no filters, no facade. He looked back at the man behind all of the fake smiles and the scowls. He saw a broken man who would never stop grieving his wife. He saw the man that neglected his family as soon as he got the chance. He saw the man he never wanted to be. Dropping his head, he stood there, leaning against the marble sink, letting himself cry for the first time in years. "I'm so sorry, Lina. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. She needs me and I don't know how to help her. Please.."
Nikolas watched, engulfed with hidden sadness as his daughter spoke to her aunt about the arrangements for the funeral. She'd planned it all on her own, with the occasional help from Gabriel - whom he noticed seemed extremely cautious with Elliana. His little girl had grown into a strong young woman and the level of courage she had was something he never had the imagination to hope for. After everything she'd been through over the past few days, she was handling it much better than he had expected. But, of course, he was still her father and he could see how broken she was. As soon as she thought no one was watching, her face fell and her shoulders slumped. It was heartbreaking to watch and he had to look away in order to keep himself from shocking everyone and hugging her as tightly as he could. It was the last thing anyone needed right now.
He poured himself a glass of whiskey and downed it quickly before repeating the process. After about his third glass, Gabriel approached him, pouring a glass for himself as well. It took only a glance for Nikolas to see that he, too, was just as distraught as Elli. Not a word was said for minutes as they drank and not a word was needed because they both knew that talking was not something that would benefit either of them. It was only when Nikolas noticed how the young man was staring at Elli filled with worry, not unlike he had been just minutes ago, that he decided to speak up. "How is she doing?" he asked quietly, frowning. She'd hardly said two words to him ever since he arrived, but he couldn't blame her. Looking back at Gabriel, Nikolas furrowed his brows at the boy's response. "Why don't you go see for yourself?" And with that, the young man walked away again.
He watched the boy walk out of the room and his eyes fell on Elliana as she, too, watched Gabriel leave. Nikolas' heart broke as he saw her lip quiver and he set down his glass, heading towards his daughter. He didn't care that his mask was no longer in place. He didn't care that Jenna would see the man she'd met twenty years ago again. He didn't care anymore and as soon as his eyes met his daughter's, he watched as she shattered at seeing her father truly for the first time in years. Both of them wrapped their arms around each other and he held her as tightly as he dared. It was the most bittersweet moment he'd had in his life and it was a moment he'd never forget.
"Papa," she said, her voice thick with tears. He tightened his hold and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force back the inevitable tears he couldn't seem to stop shedding these days. "Я здесь, принцесса. Я здесь." And he was, for the first time in a long time, there for her without the intent on leaving anytime soon. He would be there for his princess no matter what. She needed him, but he also needed her. She reminded him of the man he used to be and the man he wanted to be. She reminded him that he was responsible for her and the he was required to be there for her through it all.
Nikolas hadn't expected the severity of the grief his daughter was feeling. He hadn't expected that she was capable of being so empty on the inside. He hadn't realized how much Jackson had meant to her until the moment she began speaking through her tears about him. But the biggest surprise was the increasing amount of guilt he felt as she spoke about her best friend. Nikolas had been narrow-minded about this Jackson character ever since the day they met. He hadn't liked the way Jackson always had his hands on his daughter. He didn't like Jackson's carefree attitude. He didn't like the boy at all. But he never even bothered to consider the way Elli felt about him. He had no idea just how much the prick meant to her. And he felt awful for not looking past his prejudices to get to know the kid.
Nikolas was also having a difficult time keeping himself together because he saw both of Jackson's parents sobbing. He couldn't even imagine what they must be feeling, losing their only son. Nikolas wouldn't even entertain the thought of losing Elli. It was awful. Everyone around him was in tears. Even Alaric was crying. Nikolas hadn't realized just how many people he knew that cared about this one boy. Bella stared at her mommy, completely lost. It was terrible, seeing the innocence in his granddaughter's eyes. She had no idea what happened. She lost her father and she didn't even know it. Thinking about all of these things had Nikolas so close to his breaking point that he had to close his eyes to keep from falling apart. He needed to be strong for Elli. He needed to be strong for himself. He needed to keep himself in check and help his daughter through this. Releasing a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, he opened his eyes again, his mask back in place. He knew how much he was needed and he'd be damned if he couldn't be there for her. So he sat there listening to every word she said, each story like a wave of guilt thrown in his face. But he soldiered on all the same.
By the time it was time for them to all migrate to the graveside, he'd offered and received condolences to more people than he could count. He walked with Gabriel's parents - their son, he noticed, was nowhere in sight - as they went outside, carrying a sleepy Bella in his arms. He never realized how much she looked like her father until now. It was just another thing he had to add to his growing list of things he felt bad about. He didn't get to watch his granddaughter grow up because he'd been too occupied trying to distance himself from the pain of seeing his wife reflected in his daughter every day. He'd missed something he'd always looked forward to and he regretted it wholeheartedly. Once everyone was situated in their chairs or standing in a tight circle under the canopy, he watched as one by one people said a quick goodbye to their beloved Jackson and scattered some dirt into the grave.
With each word, each memory, each painful syllable, he felt himself break a little more. He'd found his kryptonite and it was slowly eating away at his facade of indifference. "Grandpa, you're crying," he heard in his ear and he looked down at the little girl in his arms and smiled. "I know, princess." When she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck, he closed his eyes, tears still falling. When he opened his eyes, he saw Elliana looking at him with tears in her eyes as well and a small smile on her lips. It was in that moment that he swore he'd never leave them again. He swore to himself that he'd always be there for them for whatever it may be that they might need. His princesses.
