10,11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
On the playground I am ridiculed for being chubby, no one liked the way i looked and stared at me while i covered myself up
I spend the summer angry at myself when my best friend takes my first kiss and gropes me in his bedroom with the doors locked
Later that year he comes back and asks me to have sex with him, i don’t understand so i agree, my parents see and instead of being alarmed they are mad at me, later him and I never speak again and i am shamed for it being so stupid
I am kisses under the jacket of a boy that claimed to hate me, pulling me in he grabs my breast and tries to slip it into his exposed hand,
Later we walk to dions, his hand between my legs, not understanding that this is wrong i let it happen for 6 more years after the fact
A boy calls me up and asks me to be his girlfriend, his sloppy kisses burn when they hit my skin as do his fists when they strike me in the head
I am dragged to the bathroom by a boy i fell in love with in a daze, pulling my hair i choke and my eyes water, my choir shirt is ripped down the middle and i have to tell everyone that it wasn’t my fault because i know what will happen if i tell the truth
I am taken to the back corner of the building, away from prying eyes, he takes down my pants and i cry out in pain, he covers my mouth and continues, he triumphs as he orgasms inside me, i cry as i call my dad to come and pick me up, saying a test ran me extra long and i missed my chance
I start wearing hoodies and jeans trying to cover myself up as much as possible to avoid being touched, but still they come up behind me and grab my ass in a attempt to make it alright
I can’t breathe anymore but it finally ends when the new one comes into the picture, i wait for him to do the same, but he never does, always gentle touches and hard thoughts, battling a death that we both didn’t want to come
We break up and i am no longer protected unless in the safety of my own home, as a disease ravages the world just as it had my body
I am groomed and talked to by men twice my age, i don’t remember much anymore and i stay up late at night, this is hell but hell is warmer then the feeling of a fist upon my cheek
You text me and i find myself trying not to fall again, knowing “this pain will continue, they only ever see you as one thing”, so we stop talking and i blank out the rest of freshman year of high school, not remember anything but the mild death threats that came if i should ever tell my parents.
I am layed down in the new bathrooms, my masked ripped off and my body bruised by how little i took care of it, losing the one form of protection i could have ever thought to have, i am defensless now
I black out and i don’t remember what happens anymore, praying that i could be okay
I have lost everything, i lost my child, my grandmother, the one final person i could count upon,
He’s smaller then me but hits me harder, everyone saw it but me, how was i supposed to know
He pulls over in my car and kisses me feverishly even though he is taken, i don’t kiss back but he won’t let go until i do
I dig scars under my breast trying to find anyway to look unattainable, unattractive, hoping that this would end
He gets me to high off of weed and takes advantage of my broken body and shattered heart, he leaves scars on my body, something no one else does, other people in our group start to notice,
I tell him no and suddenly i am the abuser and i am the villain, i am beaten and have a hand upon me every chance i get
“She can fight back, she’ll be okay”
He’s 18, school ends and i’m in my worst state ever, he takes me one last time,i would try to take my life the day after, the next day his boyfriend finds out and tells me to fuck off, i am alone but supported by the people that matter, he claimed he loved me adn thought that i loved him,
I was always the puppet and never loved.
