since being a little girl, i used escapism to deal with painful reality.
yet, i didn't believe in santa claus, nor something like god, at least not the way major religions portray it (superficially/stereotypically for the masses, as i never deeply studied any religion). playing "fantasy" always felt like...fantasy. a great way to escape pain, but, afterall, ignoring life is not a way to live life.
writing dm's which were never supposed to be read... writing to a public figure which at the time had almost a million followers - would you expect your dms to ever be read? i assumed there were tons of messages and mine wouldn't get noticed ever or just would be ignored. there was no read stamp either. so uhm. yeah. the dm's weren't supposed to be read.
it was escapism for me. but synchronicities = coincidences happened like a lot and it was weird. maybe our mind really does notice or manifest what we focus on. but that part when unrealistic fantasy starts leaking into reality - that's something else. many things i might try to explain rationally and even succeed in doing so, but some things (not from the internet) i can't - perhaps, i'm just not smart enough for that.
a shocker was that at the last, there were words of a serious condition of another. which if i knew of before, i wouldn't have engaged ever in anything and found my escape in other fantasy, just so in order to not exacerbate the condition of another. if that condition is really present there, i mean, if that is real and not just some weird "move" or something.
i wasn't playing any games. instead, i was escaping from my own life into daydreaming. it was supposed to be like a painkiller which wasn't supposed to harm anyone (except me, i suppose, bcs if i keep escaping life - i can hardly change it or improve it). i think i was misunderstood and that others assumed was playing games with anyone else other but my own self.
however, it seems the experience has been pushing me from a state of an inner mess into a state of addressing myself and being actually present for the people around me, instead of being mentally absent in a fantasy.
maybe i should have gone to study animation or writing or other form of storytelling, to escape into fantasies that way. maybe animation more as it's teamwork, i have doubts i would have been a good solitary writer, if i was going to only escape away from reality.
again, i've been creating different fantasy scenarios to escape from real life pain since i was a little girl. in actuality, it just made me feel worse.
it seems that i might have also been grouped with some other people who i don't know (don't know who said what etc) bcs i'm not in any group of anything, i ain't no wolf/dog to run in packs... and i actually have no idea if that was what happened, but i suspect this was the case because i got blamed for stuff i have never done or said, and much more unrelated info as if it was actually about me. i said a lot of stuff from my "fantasy reality", however so many things i got blamed for that i didn't say or do. i tried my best to fit those unrelated things into the "fantasy reality" but no matter how i turned that info, it just didn't fit, it didn't feel right, and didn't make sense even in my vast imagination. the puzzle pieces were just from a different puzzle set, which i didn't have.
(or maybe ai program they used just hallucinated - that would make a lot of sense. unless that person really has the illness they said they do, that could actually explain it as well, but then why are they apparently not medicating... i tried to view such illness in a more creative self-help manner but i do realize that in such case it's 99% unlikely to get well without medication, unfortunately. patient-doctor confidentiality and privacy laws should help to avoid the stigma if that was the problem of not medicating where actually was factually necessary. i really don't know the situation. but in turn, seems they don't know the real situation on my side either, starting with the fact that a couple of insta dm's of years ago were never meant nor expected to be read. i have contemplated to send those in the first place or not, but assumed that won't do harm nor disturb because i assumed they will never be read and it seems i was really really wrong. but if read afterall, why not just ignore those in the first place? i don't get it. for me, my "fantasy world" wasn't running smoothly, full of cognitive dissonance, simply because real life was painful and i was jumping in my mind between the two. maybe it turned into limerence or something like that, but ofc i know it cannot be real, therefore i guess it just left me rather confused than devastated.)
i feel really sorry my fantasy actually disturbed someone other than myself. i regret engaging with the fantasy that way. if i could turn back time, i'd never have sent any dm's because i would have known they would get read and cause trouble for the other person. i'd ignore coincidences as well because basically my brain would not run that fantasy and would not notice them (bcs cognitive bias or something in that area). it still feels off bcs there were some weird signs before any online engagement and i can't explain those rationally except coincidence or misinterpretation, as for dreams - those should have stayed on the dream plane and not thought of as anything else but the fantasy leaking into my subconscious too much. kind of like movies might infiltrate the subconscious. there are many real life people that "connect in dreams" in my experience, so even i receive dreams that come true later, or rarely, messages from passed away people to living people that actually help them avoid troubles, something like that, but it doesn't have to come true, i believe i can choose what it might mean, to me, personally. honestly, i don't even know which religion TF fantasy is based on. if anything, i'm not a DF/DM, as a concept of gender is foreign to me. how can i be a TF if i'm neither DM nor DF. i'm neither or both. idk. i feel like i'm neither, just a human. why must i have social labels according to my biology which society tries to dictate in order to reinforce a controllable behaviour i.e. a woman mustn't look like this, she must look like this, or all men must shave their faces and not have beards or in other places, no shaving, beards only.... just let me be a person with my own choices which aren't supposed to harm others outside of me. all i can say that fantasy worlds are addictive af. like limerence is addictive, tho imho it was a bit different than pure limerence. like people get addicted to p0rn or gaming, but at the same time living real life real time, not stuck in a room in front of a screen f@pping or gaming.
it's still difficult to understand that situation. i'm no one, i'm nobody, not special, why would anyone waste their resources of time and attention to do this? hm. i'm not a public person, nor a famous person. maybe there indeed was confusion and grouping of me with other people who engaged with that public person. idk. maybe we, humans, are more alike than thought of, and differences are so minuscule that in essence cognitive bias (aka seeing/hearing what wants to be seen/heard) is also very common.
