I AM: “Rising over my depression” spoken word poem. Written By: Emanii Hall
Why do I feel the way I feel? Make the pain go away. Every day I smile, knowing that in the end, I am just going to cry myself to self. I want to be happy. But my happiness always seems to be temporary. I am hurting inside, I am dying slowing. I am a wave of dark energy. I am empty. I am home but feel so far. I am loved but feel so hated. I am broken and can’t be mended. I am always in my head. That’s my escape from reality, but it’s also a prison. My head tortures me. I like sleeping a lot, but when I have nightmares I always seem to die. Tell me… How do you tell the people that brought you into this world that you don’t want to be in it? I was a mistake anyway so I don’t see the problem in fixing it. But I am scared, I am scared of the physical pain. I am scared to leave those I love behind. I am scared that when I die, it’ll be even worse because I will just be in the endless black hole. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I want to go to sleep and hope that I never existed. I wish that everyone’s life was amazing and on the right track, but minus me in their lives. What is the actual meaning of happiness, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it? Happiness is temporary, Love is temporary, Faith is temporary, and so is LIVING. I don’t have a place in this world. I don’t want to grow up in a world that’s so cruel and mean, and belittling. I don’t want to bring children in a world that’s only going to tear them down. I don’t want to love or be loved because eventually, every love fades away. But I am going to hold on. I am going to wait until I am knocking at faiths door. I am going to keep smiling until its real. I am going to control my pain and anger. I am going to smile myself to sleep every night. I am going to be happy. I am going to live inside and out. I am going to be a wave of bright energy. I am going to be full. I am going to be home and feels safe. I am loved and I am disliked. I am broken but I am also strong and have strength. I am always a prisoner in my own head, I am going to break free and soar fly in the sky. I like sleeping a lot, to escape my reality, but what I don’t realize is I am the one that’s holding the pen to write my story. I can take my past and use it as the power to strengthen my present and I can take my present to mold what I need/want for my future. I love the people that brought me in this world, and for that I am grateful. I am not a mistake, I am a milestone set for a bigger journey. I am scared of pain, but what I have endured and what I will endure I will use it to strengthen myself and grow and learn from my weaknesses. I will experience happiness, love, faith, and LIVING, and I will make it to my best ability to be permanent. I will grow up in a world that is cruel, mean, and belittling, but I will rise above that and be caring, loving, and uplifting. The children I bring in this world will be taught to be the best they can be, and never look at themselves as if they have to be a prisoner to someone else or themselves. Sure some love fades away, but that kind of love is TEMPORARY. Real love never fades. Real love keeps the tears away and the smile all day. I am depressed. I do have anxiety, but those titles DO NOT write the rest of my story. Those titles are not WHO I AM. Those titles are nothing but titles. They are not true unless I give in to it. I am Emanii Zailyn Hall, and most importantly
…I am LIVING.