Addis

they/them I do and write what comes to mind

[embodimentofsound]

Summer is better, of course. It’s brighter, warmer and livelier than winter. But there’s a reason they call it summer depression. “Everything’s nice, but I’m not.” At least in winter you belong. Your bad moods and pessimism fit into the grey skies and wet streets. The cold you feel within is the same as outside. And you may even go outside in summer and enjoy the warmth and you sit on the balcony until ten, until it’s dark, and go to the lake with friends. But that emptiness you carried through winter didn’t belong to it – it belonged to you. And you realize it once summer starts. On the first truly hot day in may you realize, just like every year before, that the pain is a part of you. And then desperation hits you. “Am I doomed? Will I feel like this forever?” but there is no answer and you’ve asked these questions last year already. And the year before. And the year before. And you try and remember when you haven’t felt like this. Was there a time where you didn’t ask these questions? Thousands of days, hundreds of weeks and you’re still feeling the same things you did with 15. What happened? What made you like this? What event caused you to be so fundamentally different from all the other people. People who come home from the lake and don’t cry themselves to sleep. People who smell the first summer evening air and don’t feel it suffocating them. Sometimes it feels like an evil version of nostalgia. Something that makes you wistful and sad, but maybe that’s just regular nostalgia. Maybe it’s that longing for a time when summer didn’t make you sad and desperate. That age of ignorance towards everything you will go through. When you didn’t realize how much the bad moments in life would affect you. I can barely remember those times. But I remember the warmth of summer and the smell of the evening. They bring me here. And those feelings rise again, despite the lack of memory. Sometimes I think I want to go back to that age, to simpler times, times of ignorance. But I think I just want to like summers again. I want to like sitting outside and going out with my friends. I don’t want to carry that heavy feeling in my chest anymore.  

[embodimentofsound]

waiting drives you crazy

a feeling that has stayed with me through all phases of my life is waiting. it's maybe the most present and most consistent feeling I have. 

I wait for life to make sense. 

I wait for a person that will love me the way I need it. 

I wait for my friends to like me more.

I wait for the day I will feel good. 

I wait for everything to click into place.

and waiting is all consuming. waiting feeds on your time. it takes up the space that you could've used to do something else, to feel good, to live life like everyone else does. and everyday you go to bed and nothing happened, you waited again and nothing happened. 

but I am patient. I can wait. I can wait if it means that what I hope for will eventually happen. its just hard to believe that it will. but I can wait. I have waited so long now, to think that it was hopeless from the start is unbearable.

whenever I see songs mentioning waiting I can't help but project my own feelings onto it, so here are some song lyrics more or less visualized.

How Soon Is Now? - The Smiths

I Can Wait - Slut

Life feels a lot like waiting when everything stays the same and nothing ever changes.

Dracula Bells - Have A Nice Life

Bunny Gamer - Xiu Xiu

my therapists office where I spent every Monday at 1:30 pm of the last two years of my school time.

Therapy feels like waiting. it's such a long and exhausting progress, and in the end you're just waiting to feel good. so much patience, so much waiting.

Let Down 9.1 - Radiohead

I've spent every day I can remember in this room, looking at this scenery through my dirty window. I've waited here my whole life for something to happen. for the outside to reach me, to touch me. this room is familiar to me in a way that disgusts and comforts me, and I wait for something to change, anything at all. nothing ever does.

but I can wait.

[rustmarty]

[ethanwitht]

this is so harry du bois

[embodimentofsound]

i saw the tv glow tonight

i saw the feeling of being different in a way that makes your parents look at you with confusion because they don't know what you are and neither do you so you can't explain it.

i saw the longing for something more in life. constantly waiting for everything to click into place. searching for this thing that will finally fill that hole in your chest.

i saw the fear of never being able to be who you really are.

i saw the fear of going the step that will change your life forever, not knowing if it will make you happy.

but i know that person is in me. i know that when i open my chest there is my heart. and deep in my heart sits the person i truly am, waiting to be seen.

and no matter how long it takes me they will be there. there is still time.

the tv glows, and so do i.

[embodimentofsound]

made this The Vast inspired sheet in my notebook a while ago and thought I might as well share here

[embodimentofsound]

"How do we move on without letting them be forgotten?"

Say their names, tell their stories. Those who died will only be forgotten if you let it happen. So don't.

Family Business by Jonathan Sims is an incredibly well written and immersive book. The characters feel human and authentic. Between chilling, creepy situations and gorey descriptions lies the question of what do we do with all this pain, all these memories when a loved one dies? How much can we clean away before it erases them? How much can we bottle up before it consumes us?

There is not a book in the world that can tell you how to grief. All you can do is doing your best to remeber them with a smile - that ache in your chest is unavoidable I'm afraid.

Family Business has brought me to tears more than once and it helped me understand my own grief - this need to cry and still remember. This confusion of suffering but doing everything to never, under no circumstances forget.

The grief lies deep in my heart. My chest hurts and my limbs ache thinking of you. But don't take that pain away from me. It's a reminder of you. I'd rather die than forget you. My hand clutches around the object that once belonged to you.

This feeling is bitter sweet; I smile with tears in my eyes.

[ishie-log]

Ever since I saw this line early in my first playthrough, the question of “why” has been in the back of my mind.

I have many thoughts about him, but it is hard to explain this well in short words…

[embodimentofsound]

Because you deserve to live. There is so much in this world, so many beautiful things that you deserve to see and feel. He thinks you worthy to know more in life than pain and regret. Despite everything you've done and everything you've been he gives you the second chance. He believes in you.

"I exist" you say, and he nods.

[embodimentofsound]

"I have to do something with my fleeting disadvantaged time or fall through the cracks anyway. I need to impose my soul bare out there cause no one will ask first for it.

I fear doing nothing good with my time here. I fear even worse of having been and still being a bad person—that what evil I’ve done will always disproportionately outdo the good. And that I will perpetually be atoning for the wrongs I cannot ever truly forgive myself for, let alone redeem.

But I gotta forgive myself enough to actualize these disparate attempts at definitiveness.

Amidst all the suffocating noise, chaos, algorithm, fads, amorphous excess—still putting it all out there is a re-affirmation that we have agency over how we choose to live and give despite everything.

It is the act in of itself of giving the thing.

Regardless if no one receives it—the act of giving it is what will have mattered."

-Terry Chiu, Philosophy of Open Doom Crescendo

[embodimentofsound]

I drove home from a party at 3 am with my bike last night and it was raining and it sucked. but I just imagined I was harry in disco elysium and the whole annoying situation turned into a beautiful, mystical one. suddenly the music 'detective arriving on the scene' started playing and I could hear my inner voice, shiver, tell me about the road ahead of me. 

"your lungs ache as they struggle to suck in the air around you. wind flows over your skin. the rain is not heavy, though you've been in it long enough for your hair to be soaked wet. it sticks to your cheeks as even more water runs over your face like tears that had not yet a reason to flow. 

the road is dark except for a few lonesome streetlights, illuminating only the immediate space beneath them.

you feel discomfort, wet and cold, the road takes your breath as if it owns it and your muscles begin to ache - there is no place you'd rather be right now."

[midwestemogirlfriend]

[embodimentofsound]

The Menu (2022) and Art

the worth of a piece of art is not measured by the price of its ingredients or the excessive work and time put into its creation. instead its measured by the artist's passion and love, their emotions so visible in it. 

you may have dishes consisting of food that looks like snow and even though there is an idea behind the breadless bread accompaniments, it doesn't mean there is a soul behind it. an idea without a soul, without a story becomes an empty shell of something that it's trying to be. 

The moment art is produced -not created- it is comodified. it becomes a product with its only purpose being that it is consumed by rich people who don't appreciate the thing itself but only the rich title it was given by other rich people.

and even though it doesn't seem like it, the cheeseburger is much more a piece of art than anything served at that restaurant. sure, it's plain, nothing original, but a piece of art is nothing without its creator and it is the creator that makes a piece of art into a story that can be seen, read, experienced and felt. a story that is much more meaningful than bread that isn't there.

this movie doesn't criticize modern or contemporary art - it criticizes capitalism.

[embodimentofsound]

Everything is a game where you transform into Everything. from cloud, to plane, to bacteria. you stumble through the endless landscapes of snow, desert or town. you sing to those around you. you dance with two or hundreds of other Things. you shrink and grow as you please. you think, and you hear what those around you think.

It's a game that challenges your perception of the world, how we view ourselves and others and the space between us.

but this is just a game. I can't be someone else. I can't be a cow or a house. I can't hear the thoughts of coins and rocks, but...

but I have a consciousness, a self that allows me more than just seeing things and hearing noises. I was gifted an empathy that helps me see myself in everything - to try and understand everything. I can imagine myself as a tree, a fence, a whole planet. my empathy allows me to be and love everything. i have the capacity and tools to change who I am. to know my self gives me a feeling of otherness and through that otherness i can become Everything.

this is just a game, but when I turn off my computer I know that I can still be Everything.

You Are Everything.

[embodimentofsound]

so, you know these "posters" they put on the back of DVD/Blu-ray cases? I made some for the movie Open Doom Crescendo. I don't know anything about graphic design, this is just me fucking around in Canva bc I had a free month premium.