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Just need to rant

I feel like I'm supposed to be happy and shit, but I'm not.. Like not at all. I'm so depressed all the time and it's just getting ridiculous. I have a boyfriend who loves me and I'm 7 months pregnant with a little boy.. I should be happy! Yet I spend my days and nights crying and thinking about horrible things. I feel disgusting and grossly huge; granted I'm pregnant and I am disgusting and grossly huge. I cannot wait to lose this freaking weight. I want to drink SO bad, and I should be celebrating my birthday in canada tomorrow, but I'm pregnant so I'm not. I'm so broke, and money is so right right now... I have a job interview Monday but it's at a Vape shop and I don't even smoke cause I'm pregnant. My birthday is in an hour and it's going to be horrible. I have no friends or anything so I'll probably lay in bed until David gets home and then go to dinner, then go back to bed. Yay. I need to figure out how to be happy because I can't be weeks away from having a child and still having these thoughts, and I certainly cannot end up in the hospital again... Ugh gosh I am so screwed it's not even funny I hate my life what the hell On the bright side, my little tortoise, Fluffy, is cuddled on me sleeping and David's laying next to me sleeping and I love them. Okay end rant

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Good to see you're back.

Thank you :)

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I love college.

Well, I've officially gotten through my first few weeks of college, and I just need to say that I love it. I knew that I was never meant for high school, but I didn't know that I would enjoy college this much. I've always had independence, but I love this independence. I love not worrying about having to find food because I know that I'm always able to get something. I love being able to walk around campus. I love my classes. I love that I have access to a gym to work out. I love that I can take naps most days. I just love it.

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I'm back.

Well, I haven't posted anything very recently... I've been spending a lot of time trying to take care of myself and fix some things up. My life is still a mess, but it's a mess in progress.

I started college this week at the University at Buffalo; I'm majoring in Health and Human Services and so far, I like my courses.

I set a goal for myself to blog and write more as I began this semester, so hopefully I will find the time to get on more.

So, here I am, back in action.

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Ah!

So, I spent two plus months in the hospital.. But I am now out and facing life one day at a time!

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I'm going to be off of tumblr for a week or so, and I won't have my phone either. I have to take care of some life things, but I will be back :)

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Things I accomplished in 2013:

1. I’m alive still

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2. I didn’t get pregnant.

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3. Not addicted to drugs

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4. I didn’t kill anybody.

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We still have about a week left guys. We haven’t accomplished much.

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You know today is going to be a rough day when you're sitting alone in your bedroom, in tears, eating gluten-free oreos at 10:45 in the morning.. Wonderful....

On the bright-side, I am so thankful for Joel and Sandy, today and for them trying to make Christmas a happy time for me.. They're awesome.

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12. 16. 18. 22. 27. 31. 32. 36. 37. 39. 42. 45. 46 not sorry ;P

I love you, whoever you are! Distracting my mind from horrible things:) ha

12. I am single ;)16. I'll love if you talk to me:)18. Most traumatic experience was the history of abuse that I've faced..22. I want to either travel around and speak, or be a social worker and help kids who are being abused/neglected/just facing issues. I'm going to college next year to study social work. :)27. Honestly, there isn't someone that I'm set on/ seriously interested in. There are guys that I find cute and would potentially be interested in, but my life has been completely insane lately, so I haven't been focusing on a relationship.31. My last text message says, " :( i'm sory em :( I am praying for you."32. The words little girl, bitch, the c word, rape, and miscarriage are the most upsetting words to me. Some for no particular reason, others for a reason.36. I would like to live exactly anywhere where the family that I live with is living. I love them so much.37. I am EXTREMELY insecure about how I look, to be vague. I hate that I am bald, I hate that I have no eyelashes or eyebrows, I hate my weight, I hate my height, I just don't like the way I look, at all.39. My favorite ice cream flavor is panda paws, because it's amazing.:)42. I ate a gluten-free sugar cookie a little while ago.It only goes up to 44, so for 45 and 46, I'll give you two random facts:45. I am completely bald, no hair on my body, because I have an auto-immune disease called Alopecia Universalis. The form that I have (Universalis) is very rare, and my twin brother also has it!46. I have been living with a family for eight months now and it's been super amazing, I am so thankful to have such caring, loving, wonderful people in my life.. But, this is my first year away from my family for Christmas, and I hate Christmas to begin with, so I wish I could hide in a room by myself tomorrow.

That is all. You're awesome whoever you are!

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Hey sweetheart, merry christmas, save me a kiss under the mistletoe. Love, TRWT

You betchyaaa :) Merry Christmas!

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6. 15.

6. Age you get mistaken for: I've been told I look 12, but I've also gotten 24 before! lol. It depends on the person and how mature they are.. I'm 4' 11" and small, so I've had people tell me I look 12; however, I frequently get mistaken for being in my 20's. In reality, I'll be 18 in three weeks.

15. Favorite movie: This is such a hard one for me, because I don't really watch many movies, but I'd have to say, To Save A Life. I watched it almost three years ago in January and I saw pieces of myself in every character; that movie is what softened my heart up to becoming a Christian. :)

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Wanna be nosy. . . here's your chance.

0: Height

1: Virgin?

2: Shoe size

3: Do you smoke?

4: Do you drink?

5: Do you take drugs?

6: Age you get mistaken for

7: Have tattoos?

8: Want any tattoos?

9: Got any piercings?

10: Want any piercings?

11: Best friend?

12: Relationship status

13: Biggest turn ons

14: Biggest turn offs

15: Favorite movie

16: I’ll love you if

17: Someone you miss

18: Most traumatic experience

19: A fact about your personality

20: What I hate most about myself

21: What I love most about myself

22: What I want to be when I get older

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

25: My idea of a perfect date

26: My biggest pet peeves

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

30: What I hate the most about work/school

31: What your last text message says

32: What words upset me the most

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

34: What I find attractive in women

35: What I find attractive in men

36: Where I would like to live

37: One of my insecurities

38: My childhood career choice

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

40: Who wish I could be

41: Where I want to be right now

42: The last thing I ate

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

44: A random fact about anything

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It's Christmas time

I hate Christmas time. I love Jesus, I love that it's his birthday, I love that I live with my pastor and his family.. But this week is going to be incredibly difficult for me, for many reasons. I wish I could just spend Christmas alone or skip over it for that matter.

ugh.

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In case anyone was wondering, I do a fantastic job at ruining absolutely everything. Hey, at least I'm good at something.

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You look beautiful whether you are wearing a wig or not. You don't need hair to be attractive, but I'm glad that you are happy with your new wig because happiness matters the most.

Thank you so so much <3 You're very kind and I really appreciate that!

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I may not always be the most beautiful girl... I don't have real hair, I don't have real eyebrows or eyelashes, I'm not the skinniest, I'm short, and I may not dress the nicest... But God made me who I am for a reason.

Today is a very tough day to believe that.. I got a new wig today, and it was very emotional.. After not having worn a wig in so long, and feeling so out of place, awkward, and ugly for so long..I'm so thankful to have hair.. But at the same time, I don't want to completely mask the person I am. I am okay with being bald- but believe me, I am definitely okay with having a beautiful wig to put on!!

I felt comfortable in it, like I could go out in public and people wouldn't stare constantly or make comments.. I felt pretty, and i have an amazing  mom in my life who helped me to put everything together and make myself look okay.  

Today, I was extremely blessed to be able to be given a beautiful, real-haired wig by someone very, very special to me. To be able to have an experience like this, where someone goes out of there way to do something SO generous and thoughtful - I am so honored. Nobody has ever been willing or want to buy me a real-haired wig, and it's so amazing to have one..

I look so different, it's crazy... It's like I'm a totally different person. <3

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What's the point in life?