āā ć alice āŗ ā aroace , she/her . ; ā GELPHIE ! wicked , the witcher [ games , books , and sometimes the series .. ] , until dawn , twin peaks , red dead redemption , alice in wonderland , daisy jones and the six , yellowjackets , the legend of zelda , & god of war . video game buff .
I feel like suggestions that Shauna might have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) are already out there. But Iād like to talk about one specific aspect of BPD that Iāve seen in Shaunaā and in myself. In fact, itās something Iāve struggled with for a lot of years, and it can be really debilitating without any tools.Ā
In BPD lingo, itās commonly referred to as having a āfavorite personā (or FP).
And this might sound familiar to you. I found this quote in one of the articles I consulted while planning this post:
āSometimes (and particularly for people with BPD), identity issues make it hard for a person to figure out where they end and another person (such as a spouse) begins.ā
So, what is a favorite person? Hereās another quote from another article (I will link all these in the comments when Iām done):
āAn FP is someone to whom a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) forms a strong attachment. People with BPD fear abandonment, and the anxiety this causes can be highly stressful. An FP may help provide reassurance, temporarily easing these fears. As a result, FPs become the personās main source of support and comfort. However, according to a 2022 data mining study, the intensity of the relationship often seems to cause further problems, resulting in dependency, fear of rejection, or eventually, the breakdown of the relationship.ā
In a nutshell, unless both the person with BPD and their FP have the tools and resources to manage the relationship effectively, it is not a healthy situation to find yourself in. For one thing, because the person with BPD typically wants their FP all to themselves, issues of possessiveness and jealousy can arise.Ā
BPD can also lead to āimpulsive behavior, such as abusing substances or driving recklessly.ā But it doesnāt necessarily have to be about drugs or drivingā it just has to be reckless and impulsive. For me, this explains why Shauna sleeps with Jeff. Because, on the one hand, Jackieās relationship with Jeff does make her jealous. On the other hand, however, turning around and sleeping with him herself is an impulse move stemming from that jealousy. Itās also super reckless, because Jeff could confess at any time and blow the whole thing up. But thatās part of the point.Ā
Itās a test. A really reckless, impulsive test thatās born out of insecurity and that fear of rejection I mentioned. Shauna may not even be self-aware of any of this, by the way. In her mind, she probably thinks she doesnāt want Jackie to ever find out. But, below the surface, sheās terrified about not knowing for sure if Jackieās friendship (or, letās be honest, love) is unconditional. The thought that it might not be unconditional keeps her tossing and turning at nightā because if itās not unconditional, then that threat of rejection and abandonment is always out there, looming like an atom bomb.Ā
Which brings me to the topic of what it means for someone with BPD to āsplitā.Ā
One article defines it this way:
āCommon in those with borderline personality disorder (BPD), splitting is considered a defense mechanism by which people with BPD view others, events, or even themselves in all-or-nothing terms.ā
But, specifically, in connection to having a favorite person, it means this:
āā¦ fluctuating between extreme admiration and dismissal of the FP.ā
So, if you are me or Shauna, it basically happens in the following way:
You develop an intense attachment to one person. Itās not always romantic in nature. It can be a best friend, a relative, or even a mentor. For Shauna and myself, however, it appears to usually be romantic. Ahem.Ā
In the early stages, you idealize this person, especially if they consistently return the attention you give them. This can last for weeks or even years, but even the most genuine and sincere-hearted FP will fall off that pedestal eventually. Most of the time, in fact, it wonāt even be their fault. No one is perfect.Ā
Your fear of rejection and abandonment might even drive you into setting your FP up for failure. You might end up making impulsive decisions that will force them into āprovingā something. They will either stay on the pedestal you put them on or they will fall down, proving your fears wrong or right.Ā
If they fall down (which they usually do, because youāve usually rigged the game in a way that will prove your fears right), your feelings about them will instantaneously go from admiration to dismissal. This is also known as discarding.Ā
From the perspective of the FP, or anyone else unlucky enough to be standing around when it happens, your dismissal of them will seem cold-hearted and often ruthless. But, deep down, youāre really doing it out of self-protection. You want to make sure they canāt come back. In fact, it would feel better if you could just pretend you never even met them.Ā
You donāt really mean to hurt them. Itās just that your fears have consumed you at this point, and youāve convinced yourself they never even loved you. They never meant a word of all the kind things they said. Theyāre liars.Ā
How could anyone ever love you?Ā
So you purposefully pull your claws out at the end. You are burning the bridge to the ground. There will be no salvaging this.Ā
In effect, you freeze them out. It feels safer for you that way, because it means you wonāt have to live with that constant fear of abandonment anymore.Ā
The only problem is realizing later what a dumbass mistake you made. You wake up the next morning and realize that you were the asshole. But, of course, itās too late to apologize by then.
Sheās gone, and you only have your own actions to blame.Ā
You would think that Shauna and I would have learned a valuable lesson after our first tragic discardā like that maybe weāre the problem and should find effective ways to keep our fears from hurting other peopleā but thatās not how it went for us.Ā
Because, eventually, someone else came along and said, āYou've changed out here, and I like that you're not afraid of the bad parts of yourself anymore.ā
Gee, that sounds an awful lot like unconditional love to me, doesnāt it? Kind of makes me get little pink cartoon hearts in my eyes, because no one has ever loved me that hard before, so this naturally must be the kind of woman who makes me say things like:
But even someone as loyal as Melissa couldnāt stay on that pedestal for long. How many times did Shaunaās impulsive, reckless behavior test Melās āunconditional loveā before this finally happened?Ā
So right about now you might be asking, āBut why marry Jeff? Surely he was never one of Shaunaās favorite people.āĀ
And you would be right.Ā
Because, sometimes, people with BPD ultimately choose to āavoid forming new relationships, leading to an increase in isolation.ā And I would argue thatās exactly the path Shauna chose when she married Jeff. He is her isolation. In fact, heās more than that. Heās her prison. But sometimes prisons can feel like the safest places to be when you donāt trust yourself anymore (or when you donāt trust other people anymore, depending on how self-aware you are).Ā
At this bend in the road, however, is where Shauna Shipman and I part ways. I started looking for tools and resources to help manage my fears. That doesnāt mean Iām perfect. That doesnāt mean I should let my guard down. I still need to keep myself accountable to ensure I donāt end up emotionally scarring myself or others. This will be a continual journey for me.Ā
Then again, I did not spend 19 months in the Canadian wilderness being constantly traumatized.Ā
So maybe we should give Shauna a break for never quite learning her lesson. She is not āevilā, after all. She is deeply, deeply afraid of being unlovable, and that probably started a long time before the plane even crashed.Ā
As a side note, now imagine if Lottie became one of her favorite people. I might expand on that at a later date, but... not good for anyone, right?
