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I had a really good day at work today. With the Celexa and I also added in Vitamin B12, I feel a lot better! Tonight I oddly am having trouble sleeping. Staying asleep, anyway. I keep waking up. This makes me nervous because I had leftovers (chinese) from Friday for lunch and dinner. I normally DO NOT eat leftovers and if I do, they are no more than a day old. So it was "out of the ordinary" for me. I think I'm just overthinking and worrying. I don't feel n* which is good. Brett had the same thing for lunch and he's fine (He eats leftovers constantly and is always fine). My cowoker messaged me to see if I could cover her tomorrow which makes me paranoid that she is s* and I got something from her (I was around her today). It's all just my brain being evil. You know, the usual. BUT I am not super anxious or panicking so that's good. I did complete 4 hypnosis sessions and i do feel they have helped. A big part was the Celexa, though. It quieted my mind a lot. I took a Klonopin to help me relax and sleep because I am tense right now. I'm going to read my book, that usually gets me sleepy. Wish me luck! -Kaitlyn

Hey guys. I've been so quiet because the Celexa has been working so well! It's a night and day difference. And I can't believe I suffered for 8 months on the Wellbutrin. I don't know how I did it, honestly. I will say I am struggling tonight. I had some caffeine (soda) today. I am trying to slowly introduce it back into my diet. But I'm learning that I don't think I can have caffeine still. Which is fine. It's a bummer because I do love soda and coffee, but I can do decaf for both. Not a huge deal. I will just miss my Diet Dr Pepper. I was having intrusive thoughts after dinner and it was hard to relax. I took 1/2 a Klonopin earlier and took the other 1/2 just now. Waking up with a racing heart feels so scary. And I woke up also feeling confused for some reason? Idk. But I did not feel n* so I think i'm in the clear. I'm going to play solitaire and watch Modern Family. At least it's Friday! Hope everyone is doing well. -Kaitlyn

I offically have a cold and it sucks. It's a minor cold, but it's enough to throw off my appetite, energy, and some of my progress. I didn't eat much this afternoon. I keep swallowing and coughing so I'm full of air. Being bloated can be so triggering and almost make me feel n*. I'm having a small snack now, hoping it will help get things moving. I just feel uneasy tonight.

12:05am

The good news? I just had my "usual" bed time adrenaline rush. I dozed off while watching Grey's Anatomy and woke back up. I tried to remain as calm as possible. DId not get up, breathed through it. Reminded myself I'm safe. And it wasn't as intense. It faded more quickly. So this is definitely an improvement. I'm fighting a little bit of a cold though so I keep coughing. It's a dry cough. My chest feels itchy. It's weird. A bit triggering but it is what it is. Still headed in the right direction overall. A win is a win!!!! -Kaitlyn

asvpfrenchy

the art of not being ready and doing it anyway will take you far

1:20am

I forgot to meditate today. Also forgot to do somatic shaking. During the day I was good, very minimal anxiety. Therapy went well. Then comes bed time. The usual dread. I skipped washing my face, it just felt like "too much". I was watching a show on Netflix - may have dozed off a little bit. Woke up and had my usual adrenaline rush BS. Despite taking 1/2 klonopin prior. It's sad that that doesn't help more. I had to take another 1/2 now. I felt pretty darn s*. Heart pounding, hot, n*. I kept swallowing, which was hard because my mouth was dry. I was worried I would need a Zofran. But then I'm like, okay: logically, you don't have any reason to be s*. You've dealt with these rushes before and haven't gotten s*. The last time you ate was a small snack. I have no reason to believe I would be s*. Thanfully I've burped a few times and it's helped. I'm just so tired of this. I wish it would stop. I've started sleeping with my light on to see if it helps (not really). I'm sitting on my vibration plate now to get some anxiety out.

It's time for my daily post. I tried going to sleep, and had another one of those adrenaline rushes. I woke up and felt OK, but then my thoughts started going to "omg, what if I have a surge?" and then boom, it hits. My heart starts pounding and I feel sick. My mouth gets dry and I have trouble swallowing. I haven't had a full night's rest in about a week. I took a Klonopin to calm down and help me relax. I used to love sleeping and have no issue. Now it's so hard and seen as something "scary". It's so unfair. I also have mucus in the back of my throat, which is triggering. I have my normal Wednesday CBT therapy tomorrow, although this time I'm going into the office. Which will be a nice change of pace. I always prefer to go into the office, but with kids and work, it's hard. Luckily my MIL is kind and understanding and is fine to watch the girls for 1 hour. My mom previously made me feel so guilty when I was doing EMDR therapy. Never went back unfortunately because of that. I've been meditating twice daily and doing the somatic shaking. I really like the somatic shaking.

I had a good day today. My anxiety is heading in the right direction. The only thing I still really struggle with is sleep. I still get rushes of adrenaline as I'm dozing off. It is a truly horrible feeling. So now I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm running off a few hours of sleep each day. Thank god I took time off work. I needed it. I'm sitting on my vibration plate rn hoping it will help calm me down. I'm also a bit constipated which I imagine isn't helping things. All those times I took Zofran recently have caught up to me and it is no fun, let me tell you. I tried sleeping with my light on, because during the day when I nap I'm fine, I don't get the adrenaline rushes. Nope, it did not help. And everyone is asleep and I'm alone. I hate this phobia more than anything. I'm scared. - Kaitlyn

Good luck with the psychiatrist tomorrow Kaitlyn! Will send all the good vibes for you to figure out something to help you out and make things easier on you sooner than later. <3

Thank you so much!! <3

1:20am

I'm unsure if I've slept at all. Letting my body fully relax is scary. With the adrenaline dumps, I'm afraid. I just don't feel right. I caved and took a Klonopin (1/2). My lower stomach is bloated. It wasn't as bad as the night before, not as intense. But still scary. I did multiple meditations before bed, I also did somatic shaking. I stood & sat on the vibration plate. I did all the things. I'm listening to positive affirmations now. I know healing it's linear. I know I have to keep going. But this truly sucks. It's one thing to struggle during the day. It's an entirely different beast to struggle at night and barely sleep. It makes everything so much worse. I used to love sleeping. I miss sleeping. I speak to the new psychiatrist tomorrow. Fingers crossed we can come up with some kind of a plan. I miss living and functioning normally. -Kaitlyn

Hey, me again. It's 2:11am. I just woke up before and had a brief adrenaline rush. Super scary sensations (racing heart, fast breathing, anxious, etc) but it passed within a few minutes, thank god. I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I was researching online what causes them. GAD/panic disorder came up, of course. Sometimes there's an increase in adrenaline during sleep transitions. Also (which is likely for me) hypoglycemic episodes. With me barely eating, it's possible I'm having low blood sugar and waking up from that. I immediately drank gatorade and it helped. I had a low BG moment earlier today when I woke up from a nap. It's my fault, I should have at least eaten a snack or something beforehand, but I didn't.

In this moment, my belly is growling. I have pretzels by my bed so I'll eat some of those. I know not eating much is making me feel worse instead of better. But I barely have any appetite at all during the day. And when I do eat, I almost immediately feel n*. I think it's just burps/gas from barely eating, but to my body it feels like n* and then the anxiety sets in. Sometimes I recognize it, I sit with it, and it passes. Other times, it becomes a panic attack. It's crazy because I don't think my emetophobia has EVER been this bad.

I looked into hypnosis for phobias and I'm going to try that next, along with the CBT and meds of course. I am desperate to try anything, yes anything. I prefer in-person for the hypnosis but if someone can see me ASAP, then I'll do it online. I got a reply from someone who can do a free consultation tomorrow morning at 11am. They said they're familiar with emetophobia. Something I don't hear often from therapists etc. Most don't know what it is.

You know, I tried doing in person EMDR months ago. Before it got to be this bad. I did it on my day off, it was hour long sessions. My mom made me feel guilty for having to watch the kids (they rotate weeks with my MIL - every other week). Yes, you heard that right. She cared more that she had to watch the kids an extra hour, than about my mental health. And people wonder why I have mommy issues lol. That's just the tip of the iceberg with her behavior. Classic narcissist shit. Don't mind me rambling again, 2 in the morning, alone, and this helps. I ate some pretzels and had gatorade. Still afraid to sleep.

At least I have 2 full weeks from work to recover and hopefully start feeling better. Will I get kinda broke temporarily, sure. But that's okay. Brett will help me out money-wise if I need it. I'm currently researching the best bedtime snacks for blood sugar. We'll see if I'm brave enough to go back to sleep. -Kaitlyn

im sorry you're really going through the wringer with anxiety 🫂 ive been having similar struggles with meds—i just restarted lexapro bc ive been absolutely wrecked with anxiety & having problems relaxing enough to go to sleep. it's only been a few hours since my first dose, but i can already feel a difference—i started having an anxiety spiral right after taking it, and then maybe within an hour or so things just suddenly calmed down. there is an adjustment period, and for me it means my digestive system is a little weird for a couple days (mostly just weird 💩 LMAO)(this is my third time restarting lexapro so i know exactly what to expect, but ymmv), but i feel a lot calmer and so the weirdness is a lot more tolerable & i feel confident about handling it (vs prior to restarting i wasn't sure id be able to handle it w/o freaking out, what if i get new side effects and what if they last forever and what if what if what if.... you know how it goes 😭). wishing you the best of luck in finding a good med combination ❤️✨

This is actually very reassuring, thank you! Since I was on Celexa so long previously, I think it will be okay again. I just needed to be off the Wellbutrin. It was exacerbating any anxiety and bad thoughts. Thank you for your message. I wish you luck too!! <3

I'm taking a 2 week leave of absence from work due to my anxiety. I want time to meet with the new Dr, figure out my meds, and feel better. I took Celexa tonight and I actually felt OK for the first time in weeks. Placebo effect? Maybe. I fell asleep with minimal issue. I was so tired from barely sleeping last night. I just woke up around 3am now super hot. Being hot is a trigger for me. But I was cold when I went to sleep, so I turned off the fan and turned on the heat. Plus I sleep with a weighted blanket. So it makes sense I woke up hot. I still felt nervous. Heart started to beat faster. And I said Okay, let's go outside for cold, fresh air. I went outside. I'm not panicking. Anxious, but not panicking. I burped and felt better. The cool air feels nice. I didn't immediately reach for my Klonopin. I talked to myself logically. You never get s*, you don't even necessarily *feel* s* rn. You're hot and it's the middle of the night. And I'm having some heartburn and bloating. Not illness, just uncomfortable. Not "unsafe", uncomfortable. And I'm having an anxiety reaction to this. It doesn't mean anything "bad" is going to happen. Hell, being s* isn't inherently bad at all. It's a normal bodily function. It's my body protecting myself.

I'm trying to relearn the language I use surrounding it. If and when it does happen, I can handle it. I handled it better than I thought I would back in 2017. I even said to Brett afterwards, "That wasn't that bad" and sipped water! I'm thinking back to my last therapy season. She basically kept asking "and then what?" questions in a "worst case scenario". And I understood. I can handle it. And life will go on as it always does. It's okay to be s*. It's not bad, it's not unsafe.

I'm bloated, and I felt warm in my throat and chest. I felt triggered again. My heart started to pound. And I caved. I took my rescue meds. If it was the day time, I may have been more brave. I may have been able to push through. I know I likely just need to go to the bathroom, that's all it is. Sometimes that confuses me and it feels like n*. I have NO idea why. But I have never gotten s* from that feeling. And it's weird, I feel afraid to poop. I know it sounds so silly, but being in the bathroom gives me an unsafe feeling. But it's just a room, right? It doesn't suggest anything, or mean anything is going to happen. The brain is such a powerful thing.

Just had some d*. Again, not surprising. When I have bad anxiety, it can happen. My anxiety was so bad in middle and high school I had it almost constantly. I feel silly for taking my rescue meds. But I am handling all of this better than I have been lately. No shaking, no hyperventilating. This is improvement, despite that. I am okay.

-Kaitlyn

Saw your recent post and just wanted to pop in and send some love and hugs your way Kaitlyn. 🫂 Sorry to hear you're struggling so bad with anxiety and this phobia lately, and dealing with med changes is always hard too. Don't know what else to say, just wanted to let you know that you're seen and heard and not alone in this. <3

Thank you so much, I greatly appreciate that <333

thelatestkate

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Feeling weird. What else is new? Something is constantly "off". Earlier I was having hot flashes that made me nervous. I got an ice pack, I went outside, I changed into cooler clothes, turned up the A/C. It got better. I was worried about eating a snack but I knew I should. It had been 3-4 hrs since. I had something small. I felt OK. I tried sleeping. I couldn't. Now I'm too cold, even my nose is cold. I turned off the fan, put on socks and my robe. I'm worried I'm s*, but I know that's unlikely. My head hurts a little and my vision is a bit blurry but I'm not wearing my glasses (they're in another room). Being hyperaware of everything in my body is EXHAUSTING. I'm half listening to a guided meditation to relax. I almost fell asleep on the couch (I may have even sleep for 10 minutes or so) around 6pm so maybe that's why. Or maybe because my dog is having a pretty big surgery tomorrow and I'm worried about that. I don't know. It sucks.

I do feel the CBT is helping. We just have to figure out my meds. I'm currently weaning myself slowly off Wellbutrin since it's been ramping up my anxiety like hell. Maybe the dizziness/blurry vision/headache is from that. I took a half of a 75mg tablet this morning. I plan to do that for at least a week. I'll speak to my new Dr Monday and see what she says. With 75mg being so low, some sources say I can stop it cold turkey and be OK. But you know me, I worry. I want to go back on Celexa. I don't remember having any n* when I first started it 18 years ago. I would even take it often on an empty stomach before bed and be fine. So hopefully that will be fine.

With my worsening anxiety, I was wondering if my current job is the problem. Not the job itself, I love my career, but my hospital. I had a phone interview on Monday, it went well. And another interview next week. But with all my mental health issues, plus my dog's surgery, I think I need to wait a bit. Wait until the dust settles and my anxiety improves. Maybe then I can revisit. I mainly want to get another job offer as leverage for more pay. I make 22/hr but most other hospitals start at 24-25/hr for RVT's. My coworker asked for a salary match months ago and they denied it so that concerns me. She worked in pharmacy though and I'm a licensed tech, one of the only ones in the whole practice, so they may be more apt to try to keep me. Idk. I need to not worry about that right now and get my anxiety right.

I was so calm after dinner before, which I haven't been in awhile. It's a shame the Hydroxyzine wasn't working. Well, it was but it was affecting my heart HORRIBLY. Who knew it could do that?? Not me. And I was taking it 3x a day. It's a shame, really. I was doing better with it, minus the heart palpitations being out of control. At least we figured out the cause. I'm still waiting on my heart monitor results but I'm going to be taking those with a grain of salt since I was on the Hydro. I told my cardiologist about it too so she's aware. Hopefully it didn't cause any lasting damage.

I'm just rambling. I like getting my thoughts out. I was very late taking my beta blocker tonight so maybe that threw some things off for me, too. I just hate feeling off!! And lately that's all the time, because I'm not eating or sleeping enough. It's a vicious cycle. My emetophobia and anxiety haven't been this bad in a LONG time. I'm talking at least a decade. I was doing so well. Why did I ever get off of Celexa? That was a huge mistake.

I really hope I can go to sleep soon. I do not feel safe to lay down and relax. And the other night when I woke up shaking? Hell no. That was so scary. There is one health anxiety positive affirmation YouTube I really like. Helps 90% of the time. Switched to that one instead. I'm watching one of my dogs sleep peacefully. Must be so chill to be a dog. I want to be a dog. Or a tree. A weeping willow by a lake. I just want peace and calm. I want to be able to function. That's all I want. I'm worried I'll have a panic attack at work tomorrow. I've been taking Klonopin every day lately. I took another 1/2 now (I only take 1/2 a tablet at a time, I can take up to 2 full tablets a day). I don't want to overdue it. I'm terrified of becoming addicted. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just trying to survive. Thanks for listening to me rant. -Kaitlyn

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