ABS

21 || NY || This is my diary

[emilyabs]

I am love. (Rough draft)

Sometimes I think I wasn’t meant for this world.

My heart can fly and reach the heavens.

My love can swim across the seas.

She could love everyone and everything in this universe.

Sometimes I think she does. I think I do.

It’s hard.

How strange that in 8,365 days I’ve yet to meet another of my own kind.

I seem to be the only mortal on this earth with enough love to power interstellar travel.

Ive traveled far and wide looking for a home, many homes. I have a few.

Yet i still climb mountains and cross seas trying to settle on the lands I can.

But I can’t swim, if I could

I wouldn’t be on the verge of imploding due to the pressure of myself.

Or Deep in the water taking my last breath.

#poetry #depression #love

It’s cold down here. How refreshing.

[emilyabs]

Lets try therapizing me for a bit. Issues I struggle with on the daily include overeating, being unkind to myself and just overall not being happy even though I tell myself that I am. I am gaining weight and I dont want to. But Im also struggling to put in the work to be able to stay the same weight or lose weight because I am more than anything trying to keep myself away from the mentality that I have had all these years. The same mentality that has caused me to destroy my body all these years. 

[emilyabs]

Un-alive?

It is very troubling to realize that 

a. you are trying very hard to stay alive

b. staying alive sounds less promising everyday

c. you will never un-alive yourself because you have a family that relies on you no matter how miserable you are and you know that even if they are okay without you in many ways, the pain and suffering it would bring to those who do love you like your children or siblings is not worth the sweet release of this life.

In other words, im okay with suffering everyday without end as long as I can make the ones I love happy and keep them happy.

[emilyabs]

ive been tricked into the time old tale that we are supposed to do something with our lives. This belief has left me empty and alone and disassociated with my reality. All we have to do is live. Happy, sad, uncomfortable, etc. All we have to do is live. It is wholly our choice to find a way to enjoy living. I have yet to do so. Even at 22 years old, it is hard for me to believe that I will ever find the will to let myself just live without pain and suffering. I need suffering so that  can enjoy the happiness when it comes. But even so the suffering is sometimes too tempting and leaves me wanting to give in. 

If I do, I am promised that I will no longer feel the pain or the pleasures of this life.  If I have another life, maybe I’ll do better in that one. Or maybe I’ll do this to myself again eventually. There is only one way to find out. 

[emilyabs]

Today is not the day

Everyday for as long as I can remember I have gone to sleep with the intention "tomorrow will be the day" "i will do it tomorrow". Everyday for as long as I can remember I have woken up with the intention to "get it done" and "do it today". But I start my day and sit in front of my computer, paralyzed. I can't move. I can't bring pen to paper or my hand to the keyboard. I just sit for 8 hours, guilt racking up by the minute. Getting stronger and deeper every second. I realize that if I had done one thing everyday for the last 3 months, I would be 300% farther along than I am now.

I've tried for months to move. To do something, anything. But everyday I wake up and I'm paralyzed. Unable to be a mother, a student, an employee.

So I've come to accept that waking up and allowing myself to not feel the guilt will help me. I need to not think about the wrongs I am doing and focus on my thoughts. Allow them to fly and roam to a place where I am not full of guilt. A place where my soul can no longer sense my body and how every cell is screaming at me to move.

[bi-carli]

Vs.

Feyre x Tamlin reunion in ACOMAF

vs.

Feyre x Rhys reunion in ACOWAR

This comparison just 👀☕️

[emilyabs]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[emilyabs]

Journal 09/05/21

I have so many thoughts racing in my head. Thoughts that threaten my life. I guess you can say that suffering is instrumental to the human experience and to human development but the more I suffer, the more I am desensitized to suffering and the more I feel that I will go crazy if I don't escape the suffering. 

I found myself in some pain from a line being crossed during intercourse with my partner today. I explained how I didn't want to participate and my partner “pretended” to force himself onto me this is something he does often that I can usually end by complying and taking the fun away from him. This went on for enough time for me to become physically and emotionally distressed distressed. My body perceived itself to be in actual danger, which terrified me. After complying I still later, found myself in another line being crossed during intercourse involving a certain backdoor that I did not agree to open. I was in a lot of pain and due to the fact that I was so sore and in many ways did not agree to do anything in the first place, I was left wondering if the backdoor was breeched, not by accident but on purpose. 

As I stood writhing in pain and sobbing because I couldn't believe that it actually happened. I found myself believing that it was done on purpose, as punishment. This turned my grief and sorrow into fury and I told myself to calm the fuck down. I told myself to calm down because I was alive, despite my wishes to be otherwise. 

 I am strong. 

This did not hurt me. 

I am not wounded, I am whole. 

Then I realized my actions somewhat mirrored June from the Handmaids Tale and I started sobbing again. To the Emily in my head who oversees me, it was almost comical how I cried after the realization that June was a fictional character and I am a real person, in real pain that just went through a real trauma and I will likely keep going through it for the rest of my life if I don't make a change. 

[emilyabs]

Journal 9/1/21 (pain)

Everyday, it hurts. 

It hurts to eat.

It hurts to drink. 

It hurts that I am not hurt. 

It hurts that my sister was raped by her father almost everyday during her preteen and teen years until she got pregnant and left the house. 

It hurts that my sister doesn't show me love. 

It hurts that I dont see her eyes shine with love when she sees her children, when she holds them. 

It hurts that I never see her hurt but I know she has and no one ever helped her. Not even her own mother. 

It hurts that my sister was a helpless, defensless child in pain, who never got to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

It hurts me that she had to shut her emotions off and leave her body so as to not feel this pain. 

It hurts that when I found out I, couldn't eat, sleep, think, be a mother or do anything without breaking down from pain that is not even mine to bear. 

It hurts that I had to fight like hell to get up, to work, to walk, to even breathe  for weeks. 

It hurts that I have seemingly recovered from something that never happened to me. 

It hurts that I am ok. 

It tears me apart to think of anything happy that happened to me when I lived in that house. All the memories and feelings of warmth have gone and left nothing but darkness and despair. 

I cannot think of myself and my pain without thinking of her, 

I am broken and trying to fix myself. 

It hurts that she is not ready to think about this. 

It tears me apart to suffer for her. 

It destroys me to see my younger sister feels so alone when her mother doesn't. come home at night, that she contemplates suicide when she is pulled into a depression from being home alone.

It hurts that I have never been alone. Ive had my sisters and then my husband and my child. 

It tears me apart that my older sister would have taken being home alone, truly alone, over being in a home where her father rapes her and her mother wont help her.  

I am not clean. 

I have suffered. 

But not like them and never like this. Like this despair and immobilizing depression that wont let me live. 

This pain devours me because I dont feel thier pain and I cant make it better. 

It hurts that through all of this, I still love my parents. 

I want whats best for them because they made me. 

And being a mother, I know that they held me as a little baby and kept me safe and warm enough to live and to grow. It hurts that they did the same with my sisters and my brother until he died. It hurts that we were young and safe and now we are all in pain.

There is so much pain inside me that everyday I have to fight for the will to live.

My will being my Will. He is 6 and I love him and I could never hurt him or leave him. I will never be the reason that he suffers at night. I will be the arms he crawls in when he is hurt to heal him.

But it hurts.

[emilyabs]

Journal 08/31/21

Another day of being the me. 

I tried to be her, 

the one who does all of her work 

and takes care of herself 

and smiles.. 

But it was hard,

and me, I gave up.

I found myself outside of myself a lot today. 

I watched as my body went about about her afternoon and passed by people.

Strangers...

It’s wonderful to leave her and watch those around her; to observe them and their activities. They are all different from each other and different from her. 

Her mind is loud. I can’t think when I’m there. 

I hate to leave her alone with the pain and suffering, but if I stayed I would leave myself like I left her..... and there would be no going back. 

She would be a shell, empty and void. 

And so would I.

[emilyabs]

Journal Entry 08/30/2021

It has taken me a long time to realize that no one cares what I do other than me and those whom my actions affect directly. Right now, on that list I have my son, my husband and my employer. I am not doing well as a person, as a mother or as an employee. And although my world feels like its crumbling it also feels like I am not a part of it, so it doesn't affect me. But it does. I can either do nothing and fall into the abyss in the eyes of others while remaining me to me. Or I can “fake it till I make it’ and pretend to be this person who cleans and cooks and teaches her son good morals. I can pretend to be the best employee ever. Because I know what it take to be the best employee ever. I know what it takes to be the student ever and yet I don't do it. Because me, Emily, is not that person. But I can pretend to be and that person, lets call her Emily-B, and she can be anything I make her out to be. She can do all her chores and raise her son in a way that will not spoil him and rot his soul. She can do all her work and provide a service like no other. 

That is not me (the person writing). But I will use her from now on until I, the woman lost in her mind, can be free to explore her mind, which may never be; now that I think about it. But I’m sure that I can be free to be me while writing here. I can write whatever I think. I can script my world. 

[emilyabs]

Dear Diary

Today, I had not one but 2 anxiety attacks.

They were very unkind to me and to my mind and resulted in frequent, painful urination.

No one ever talks about the physical effects of being an aethetically pleasing sad girl. I have IBD as a result of the frequent binging and purging I endured most of my life. I have debilitating panic and anxiety attacks that would make a grown man cry. I cant ever physically look at anyone in the eye before physically cringing and looking like a freak.

And last but not least the chronic insecurities and racing thoughts that will never leave no matter how much you lie to them and say that your are okay.

[emilyabs]

Good Morning 05/18/21

its been a while. My mind has been so foggy lately. I know that I'm depressed and I’m fighting like hell not to be. I am on a waiting list for therapy, but for now I just need to get through this. I had a thought over the weekend. I’ve had passing thoughts about un-aliving myself and I tried to figure out where they stemmed from. I feel numb to the world, to myself. The only thing that causes me to slightly feel or react is my son. I think about leaving him and him becoming depressed believing that he is unwanted. I think about him looking into the crowd and not seeing anybody because his dad is busy trying to provide for him and I left him. 

I think about talking to a therapist about this and ending up inpatient with him suffering everyday waiting for me to come home. I’m stumped. I want to be okay. But I’m stuck. It feels like I’ve fallen and someone is stepping on my chest and won’t let me get up. But that person is me. The only thing stopping me is me. & even though I have a reason to fight, the fight gets harder and harder everyday. My muscles are tired and my lungs struggle to absorb the oxygen I Inhale. 

[emilyabs]

Good Morning 03/12/21

Im still dealing with the effects of corona. However I’ve noticed that I can somehow taste strong sensations. I can taste saltiness as well as sweetness, not much in between though. This is unimportant however it is my genuine nature to try and share everything about me to others. However irrelevant and annoying the information may be, I still think that I am important. And I am important; to myself. But it is hard for me to accept that when I experience something good or bad, that someone won’t be racing to the comment section.

[emilyabs]

Good Morning 03/11/21

I am 100% positive that I am incapable of properly working from home. My home doesn’t provide a work enviornment and the tiny apartment with 4 other people isn't the quietest when I am trying to get work done. I am good at rolling through work, but if im interrupted every other second by my son, my dog, my siblings, my neighbors and even myself, then I can barely roll through what I need to do. Or the amount of work that is deemed “acceptable”. Thats it. 

[emilyabs]

Good Morning 03/10/21

Good Morning to everyone except the bitch that gave me covid. You know, personally, I have struggled with asthma & eating disorders and overall bodily discomfort for my entire life. However I am so uncomfortable; and I don't remember ever being more uncomfortable then I am now. When I move my head my brain shakes causing me horrible pain. Struggling with bulimia for years, the chest pains and sore throat that come with covid are very rough but nothing that I haven't felt before. But these headaches make me want to risk a $200 ER copay. But I’ll live. I guess that's the important part. 

[emilyabs]

Good Morning 03/09/21

I have located the will to live. I think that its very telling how much a person is willing to get up and waste their lives for the sake of “living”, or whatever their version of the word is. I have recently noticed that I have been waking up and dragging myself through my day. I will drag myself out of bed to get my son on the school bus and I’ll drag myself out of bed to work because I need to make money to continue to drag  myself through life. Well I’m still doing that but at least I know, I don't have to be. I know that life is what you make of it and I know that I can do anything I want to do. However I just don't have the energy for that right now. Maybe tomorrow. 

[meineluft]

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

Erica Jong (via meineluft)