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we're not kids anymore.

ellievsbear

if i look back, i am lost
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Kiana Khansmith
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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ā
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@emilylouiseb
we don't know where ā but we can dream āØ
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Loft apartment in New York | photos by Collin Hughes
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Lately I just really wouldnāt mind a studio apartment. Especially with him, but if not, at the very least with Rosie.
āAnd as Iāve gotten older, Iāve had more of a tendency to look for people who live by kindness, tolerance, compassion, a gentler way of looking at things.ā
ā Martin Scorsese (via arookieblog)
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Nobody is on tumblr anymore. So now I donāt know where to go. I miss this platform and the anonymoty it had.
I know he loves me, but I donāt know if he really sees himself spending the rest of his life with me or if thatās what he wants.
Nobody is awake. I just need someone to talk to.
It hurts my soul that Iām not engaged.
For so many reasons.
I want him to want me.
And itās SO FRUSTRATING. That some people get engaged after being together for a year, and here we are 4 years in.
Sometimes I question if he even wants to. ā I know Iām his first relationship. But I feel like if he was sure of me/ us. He would have by now. Or he would have at least expressed it. Or something.
Ugh. Iām just struggling with it.
I am terrified of getting covid.
Terrified.
I have chronic bronchitis. So I get it 3+ times a year. If I get a cold, it always, always, always turns into bronchitis. Always.
Last time I went to a walk in express care, the doctor who treated me referred to my lungs as a āwet basementā saying that I needed to be proactive to clear them out before anything started to set in, like rats and mold. ā file under things Iāll probably never forget.
I know some people think covid is terrible, and others think itās a hoax. (Realllly not trying to debate it here) but regardless, in terrified. Itās a respiratory thing. I donāt need a respiratory thing. Iām terrified of being hospitalized from it, of being in pain, of not being able to see my loved ones, boyfriend, family, or friends.
And itās just scary because Iām really trying to limit my exposure. But at the same time itās so frustrating that Iām letting this virus control my life. But at what cost.
I CANT HANDLE THIS.
*Grüne Lichtung*
Bob Ross cares about me
ByĀ caramellattes
Someday Iāll good. Someday soon.