29. The Last year of my 20s. This is the decade where you’re supposed to start finding yourself. Who you want in your life , what you want in life , cementing some kind of roots.
I really did want to live em to the fullest. When I turned 20 I didn’t know how but I knew somehow I would. I would discover it somehow. As long as I grew with the years I would get somewhere.
Now looking back, all I’ve done is work and worry. Try to help my family as best I could. Worry when things got tough and I couldn’t do enough. Help raise my siblings to be adults. The last one just graduated high school and is on his way.
I’m turning 29 tomorrow and I really am not exaggerating when I say I. AM. TIRED. I’m tired of just working all the time. I’m tired of worrying over everyone and everything. I can’t remember the last time I had energy or motivation to do anything other than work. I had exercise as my escape and now nothing.
All the effort I put into working out / losing weight was lost. So once again I am back in the same place, this rut where i don’t move forward. There’s this dark square in the game of life that keeps pulling me back no matter what I do to change, to evolve , to just keep moving forward. Keeps pouring more concrete on my legs and won’t let me move. Even when I make an effort to “be happy” it does everything to extinguish it.
I’m so tired. And I won’t Cling to hope that it will change and I’m tired of trying. tomorrow I turn 29. They say life doesn’t always turn out the way you think it will. But I never expected mine to be the complete opposite of what I had hoped. If just one or two things had gone like I hoped and worked for then I would have counted it as a win. I can’t and don’t want to even imagine what the 30s 40s and beyond will look. If these were the “best” years of my youth and it was all a burden, I don’t want to imagine venturing into the rest.
