POV: Your Alucard (Hellsing) and Alucard (Castlevania) Miis are literally breathing in each other's faces and you decide it's time to ship them because the government still can't catch you..
This post is strictly introspective. I want to be able to come back to it, reread it, and remember that by making this thought public, I’m trying to pin it down - so I don’t spiral back into endlessly picking at the work.
The moment has come when I can no longer afford to spend so much time drawing slowly and meticulously. I KNOW, almost no one even sees what I draw, because I only post a tiny fraction of it. But this post is more of an internal note - a way to mark this moment for myself, including publicly
My “slow style” evolved not only because it fits the aesthetic standards I hold myself to, but likely also as a way to keep the work from entering the world. The longer you draw, the longer you can avoid facing your own reaction to it. Perfectionism often disguises itself as “I just want to make it as good as possible,” when in reality, it’s a form of avoidance. And I’m a master of avoidance, as you know. I feel safe behind a heavy render. It takes up all the space and leaves no room for the question: what’s actually underneath? Is this a reluctance to face the places where I still haven’t fully formed as an artist? Where did this come from?
The old school (I mean the 2010s) taught us to act like we’re in an office. I’m a merchant, here’s my product in the window. You show up with something “finished,” polished, and every piece is obligated to justify the very fact of its existence. But damn, the modern way is to basically live on the internets - it’s a habitat now. And it feels like a return to an even older style, just without that 90s and early 2000s cyber-optimism. Too bad it's gone (But that’s a separate topic and I have plenty to say about it).
I cling to the “slow style,” the massive rendering, realism, and meticulousness because it’s part of the identity the old school drilled into me. It feels as if simplifying is a form of degradation. And that’s probably the main toxic bullshit in my head. Switching to a fast and light style feels like a blow to the ego. Now I know it’s total bullshit. I personally look for and save mostly light-styled art, technical polish isn’t the first thing I care about, not even the second.
Before, I wanted to prove to myself that I can. But can what? Well... draw. There were no specifics, no objective point of “now I can definitely do it, I can finally unclench.” The peak is unreachable and constantly slipping away
This leads to the trap of trying to stuff all the cheese into one pierogi. Thinking that I’m short on time and attempts, I try to cram everything into a single piece just to be sure. In the end, by trying to make the work stronger, I overload it - breaking the very principle of how I believe art should work. I start contradicting my own ideas of what "good art" is. It’s a paradox, but there it is.
I often keep picking at an image long after the point where the drawing is essentially finished. At some point, the work has already said everything it could say; it already exists as an image. But I keep “improving” it. Except I’m not improving anything, I’m just postponing the moment when I have to leave it alone. I need to find a cure for this bullshit for my own sake, because this is exactly what hits my wallet, my quality of life, and all that financial stuff. I’m basically the architect of my own broke-ness, lol.
There’s also the issue of experience. Before, I didn’t know exactly how things would turn out, there was an element of discovery, so the result felt more significant → the reward was higher. I didn't fully grasp the "cost," so there was no internal resistance. Now, I know in advance what the work will look like and exactly how long it’ll take.I know my own reaction. It’s a loss of uncertainty and novelty.
Anyway, my point is that the way we exist online is changing, and we need to adapt. The role of the artist is changing too. You’re not just producing “art objects” anymore, you’re existing within the conversation and the context. A single unit of content - a track, a drawing, whatever, is no longer the endpoint. It's part of a conversation.
I’m not done yet. To be continued... ヽ(。_°)ノ
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