i remember watching this streamer talk about her experiencing wanting to be a boy but not in a trans way and honestly weirdly enough i get her so bad. i definitely have those thoughts especially when i am inconvenienced as a woman.. but sometimes im not really sure how to explain it but i dont want to be masculine in any way but i also dont want to physically be a boy but i dont feel very feminine nor do i see myself being hyperfeminine (outside of cosplay) and its just $/$/!/$ idk.
i also saw a tiktok that said they wish they were androgynous but not in the girl looking like a boy way but as a boy looking like a girl way and i just felt soooo seen! i dont fit the androgynous mold as fem women turned masc way especially as a black woman because i feel like the standard would be for me to look like a stud. nothing at all wrong with studs i just dont personally fit with that identity and its so frustrating.
i think the closest ive ever felt to being like “yes i could totally see myself identifying as that” is the emo boy dreadhead. its the closest form of emo (in the standard white boy sense) of all black clothing, hair in face, alternative but in the form of black people. i get a few of them on my tiktok and pinterest and i get myself all psyched out hoping that one day i can achieve that look. i get very few alternatives of black women who in some way exert that sense of style but man i wish i could find more.
theres sooo many alternative black women that i just cant see myself in because a lot of them lean more into the sex appeal “baddie” aesthetic. again, nothing at all wrong with that im just not that kind of person so unfortunately i have to look to the men for inspiration.
so i guess in turn i dont want to *be* a boy, but more look like a certain type of one. one that exudes an aesthetic that doesnt lean towards heavy masculinity and also isnt hyper feminine where i just force myself to feel like a girl. i dont mind dresses or makeup, i still feel weird wearing some skirts (thanks to the sexualization of them) but in turn i think ive sort of accepted thats just not who i am but i can still wear them for personal enjoyment (such as cosplay, or feeling like dressing up) outside of patriarchal standards.
who knows, i could be nonbinary but i dont really feel like figuring that out too much (insert i have a job so i dont really care about that right now image).
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also here are some examples of what i mean when i say “emo black dreadhead”. i dont care if you dont think they are emo btw (some are from pinterest and some i follow on tiktok. not all of them identify as men these were just the best examples)
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gamechangershow