I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I’m going to write here, this is a complex issue that most of us don’t know how to talk about. I don’t know how to talk about it, but I feel I need to say something.
Today is the third anniversary of a childhood friend’s suicide. I was feeling…I don’t know. I found the “Suicide Watch” subreddit and scrolled through it. And, in just the last day, the amount of people posting on there is shocking.
An online forum is an anonymous and non-immediate place to ask for support and/or attention, and some of these posts might just be for that, attention, someone, even a stranger on the internet, telling them it is okay, they are not alone, but all of them can’t be. A lot of them are people, kids, genuinely and openly discussing their inclinations toward suicide. Many people are seriously considering suicide as the best possible option for their life. A lot of them are looking for someone to tell them it’s okay to make that choice. Some are looking for reasons not to. Some have already made up their minds about it and are just counting the days until they do it. Suicide is on a lot of people’s minds. Many people you know.
If you have ever known someone who has committed suicide, then you probably know the feeling of responsibility that comes after it.
Maybe I could have done something.
Maybe I could have done more.
And the truth is, a lot of the time, you couldn’t. You couldn’t have done anything. No matter what you think you should have done. No matter what you think you could have done more of. Spent more time with them. Talked with them. Prayed with them. Been tougher. Been softer. For many, it is just their choice. They have tried. And that thought, which turns into that action, is how they think they can best love themselves and the rest of us. By leaving. They just can’t seem to live with themselves anymore. They just can’t seem to live with the pain anymore.
You know the pain I’m talking about. That hole in your chest. That pit in your stomach. That dissonant vibration in the background. The anxious quiver of being alive. That dark voice in the back of your mind that says awful things like,
That scared voice that says,
I don’t want to be here anymore.
For some of us it is bigger than others. It sticks to us more. Or maybe we just notice it more. Give it more of our attention. Some people downright ignore it. They are reading this thinking, “I don’t have pain. I’m great.” Yeah. Okay.
I think this is one of the major factors that adds to suicide risk. We do not openly discuss the difficult truth that being alive is painful. Just being alive. Just waking up everyday and eating and pooping and navigating the voices in our head and going back to sleep. It is hard to find meaning. It is hard to find purpose. We are taught that we are meant to be happy and happiness means we do not feel pain. We are taught to ignore pain, or get rid of it. And that you become happy by buying this, and having that, and doing this, and doing that.
What happens when all of the buying, having, and doing doesn’t make you happy? Then you are left with just being. We are not taught how to just be. We are especially not taught how to just be with pain. We are taught to do things to get out of the pain. And for some people, just the thought of suicide becomes a refuge for them. A moment in time when the pain will stop. And eventually, the thought turns into what they see as their only way out.
Have you not ever heard the whisper in the back of your mind? The voice that brings up the possibility? End it. What if you weren’t even here. You could just leave.
I have. I have had thoughts of suicide. In extreme moments of existential purgatory, when I was stuck in a box of negative thoughts in my head, when the world felt meaningless, when I felt meaningless, when the most clear feeling I had was pain, a seemingly endless vibration of pain, but not the sharp pain that makes you feel alive, the numbing, dissonant, anxious pain. The thought crept into the back of my mind. I didn’t entertain it very long. I didn’t explore it further. But the thought did arise. And I am a self-proclaimed, “happy person”.
I have learned about a different kind of happy. A happy that isn’t without pain. Happy includes pain. Happy accepts pain as a part of life. And happy doesn’t always feel happy.
Pain is a part of this human experience. Even if your life is relatively perfect compared to the traumatic life experience of others, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel pain. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to feel pain. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you for feeling that pain. It doesn’t mean you are broken. You are allowed to feel pain. You are allowed to be unsure of your place in life. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to be depressed.
It gets scary when we think we will always be depressed. Because when you are in that head space it’s hard to remember what it is like to be out of it. And it is hard to imagine that it will ever go away. You try things and feel like maybe you are out for a time, but then it comes back. There it is again. Depression can feel like quicksand.
But what if you didn’t need to get out of it? What if you trusted that the feeling, like everything else in the world, will pass? Will change. Look at nature. Look at the solar system. In this universe change is constant. Nothing stays the same forever. We are in a constant state of motion, moving from one phase to another. The sun will eventually die. And new stars are born everyday.
You are moving through phases as well. Finding the meaning in that is every one’s personal journey. It is up to all of us to discover our own answer, or to live with the question, when an answer isn’t even fathomable. If you are patient and live with the question long enough, an answer might reveal itself.
This is the quest we are all on. To find purpose. Which changes. And to find meaning. Which changes. And we are not taught how to be on that quest. We are not taught that we might go through phases of terrifying uncertainty, or mind-numbing pain, or be totally lost. We are educated by a system that seems to be sure of everything. We are taught to wear masks of certainty. And so we look at other people and assume they are sure of everything as well. We assume other people have the answers and we will never understand. We feel like we are frauds, faking it to be polite, or to be social, or because it is how we think we should be. Our society tells us that we should be happy, we should be fine, life shouldn’t be so hard. We should be perfect. But should is bullshit. And perfect isn’t real. Should doesn’t exist. Things are the way they are. We have to learn to change the things we can, and accept the things we can’t. We have to stop trying to get out. The only real way out, is through.
Through our pain. Through our confusion. Through our doubt. Through our fear. Through our depression. Through our life. You have to be here to face it. And you might have to be here a long time, but you are worth it.
You are allowed to leave. It is your life to choose to give up. You will not burn in eternal flames. But I don’t believe that it will actually solve what you want it to. Yes, you may escape the pain, but you will miss out on getting it. You will miss out on understanding yourself. You will miss out on discovering why.
I wish we could stop trying to get out and instead work on getting it. Try and get your life. Try and get why we are here. Try and get what the point is. And if what you come up with is that you are terrible and meaningless then you haven’t gotten it yet. If what you come up with is you are stuck in a prison and there is no way out, then you haven’t gotten it yet. You just have to be here longer.
Every one of us has meaning. Every one of us has purpose. Every one of us at one point in our life will impact someone for the better. Even if we are not in a constant state of getting it. Even if we spend most of our time in confusion, doubt, numbness, fear. Be with it, and create from it. Because one moment of understanding your greatness could change your life. Because YOU ARE GREAT. Yes YOU. The person reading that and saying NOT ME. You are. And your people are out there. Somewhere.
Write. Draw. Paint. Sculpt. Dance. Act. Sing. Create a sign to attract someone who will get you. You might be surprised. Create from the confusion. Work on understanding it through expressing it. Create from your pain. Make something from it. Create from your fears. Learn to be okay with having those feelings of disconnection and disassociation. Accept what you cannot change, and act on what you can. Talk about your pain, ask for help, instead of hiding behind it.
It is a choice each person has to make. To be here or not. To stick it out or not. To make the most of it, or believe you are not worth it. It is A CHOICE.
I think suicide is something that we need to be educated on. We need to be taught about why the thought comes up. We need to be taught why it might not be the best choice that you think it is. Not that you are wrong for having it, or that you will burn in flames forever. We need to be taught how to connect with ourselves on a deeper level, so that we may understand. And until this is part of our education system, we must teach ourselves. We must study ourselves. We must ask questions. You have the answers if you can find the right question. You are not the thoughts in your head, rather the awareness perceiving them.
And there is so much life to live. There is so much to experience. There is so much to learn. Let’s stop trying to have all the answers. Let’s be in a constant state of learning.
Did you know that our heart can know things before our brain does? Did you know that our stomach and our brain are intimately connected? Did you know that many of us are malnourished and/or nutrient deficient?
Feeling depressed? Try learning about your own body and the important role that nutrition plays on it.
The current health care field is based on disease. Here is the disease, here is the treatment. Diagnose. Prescribe. Diagnose. Prescribe. This is because the current health care system is paid for by pharmaceutical companies. What if you are not depressed because you are just innately broken, what if you just need to eat better? Or eat differently? Take on your own body as your project. Learn about it. Learn about nutrition. Begin a practice of serving your body. And see if the state of depression changes.
What if you are out of balance because life has thrown you a lot of painful and traumatic experiences and you haven’t learned how to live through them yet?
Instead of trying to make the pain go away, or the thoughts go away, by leaving? What if you experimented with making them go away by living? Do things in your life and see what sticks. Healthy things. Not destructive things. See what makes you feel better. See what helps and build on that. Creating art? Volunteering? Eating healthy? Exercise? Meditating? Church? Driving? Studying? Try and find out, and if it is difficult at first, keep trying. Learn from people who have struggled with the same thing. Read all the self-help books until one of them makes sense.
You are not alone. Even if it feels that way. Someone else has felt what you’ve felt. Thought what you thought. Is feeling what you are feeling. And if someone else is feeling it, then maybe they can understand you. Maybe you can help them. Maybe there is a connection to be made that will pull you out of the dark. You are the only one who can find out.
If you are scared of your own thoughts. If you are scared you are stuck in your feelings. Please, speak up. To someone. Ask for help.
Don’t leave. Stay. You are real. You are allowed to hurt. It will not be this way forever. Have patience. Talk.
I don’t think I could’ve saved my friend with one conversation. Or a thousand conversations. But I do think we need to be having a collective conversation about suicide. We need to share with each other our pain, not just our joy. We need to be discussing why so many of us are feeling disconnected, disenfranchised, and disassociated from life? We need be having a conversation about why. About what has worked for us. About what hasn’t worked. We need to be creating sources of meaning for those of us feeling lost. We need to stop dehumanizing and ostracizing people who are in a lot of pain. Drug addicts. The mentally ill. Homeless people. Those of us who are depressed. We are all suffering in one way or another. Let’s have a conversation about why and maybe about finding ways to bring more joy into the world. More support. More connection.
I think most of us are scared to talk about suicide. I know I am. We are afraid of saying something to make things worse. To end up feeling responsible for someone else’s choice. It is their choice. But take that responsibility into your life, when you see someone being picked on, depressed, isolated, what can you do to give some light into their life?
Thinking of my friend in her final moments, it couldn’t have been peaceful. I imagine her scared and alone, and possibly wishing she could take it back. I try to imagine how she must have felt all the weeks leading up to it. And I hope now, that she has found peace. It was her choice to make. And we all get to accept that. There was nothing we could do. She left behind a lot of people struggling to make sense of it. She left behind so many people who are hurt and confused. Who miss her. Who love her. Who now have to face the pain of losing her.
It is hard to accept that she chose to leave us, just like it was hard for her to accept her choice to stay, she tried and tried, until she decided she no longer wanted to. For some, this is their choice. It is not a selfish decision. It is a personal decision. It is a hard decision.
Reading the posts on the suicide forum, I want to write to all of them. I want to say the “right thing”. I want them to understand.
You are worthy of love and belonging.
You are greater and stronger than you realize.
There is meaning out there for you.
You have the right to love yourself.
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Here is a talk to maybe smile and get more connected.
