Welcome back to Devon’s Life Survival Guide. For those of who have followed the first 12 episodes of Season 1, thank you. I took a long break to promote a film I was in called Sundown, and then to shoot a new movie called Where’s The Money with Andrew Bachelor and Logan Paul. I am so happy to be back, bringing you weekly installments about ways to not only survive life, but enjoy and live a meaningful life. And remember, this is a conversation, so write to me in the comments, share it with friends, let’s get in the habit of discussing more than just Game of Thrones and Justin Bieber’s new haircut, although there’s a time and a place for that. Let’s get in the habit of thinking about more than just school, and boyfriends, and work, and money, and movies, and so on. This series is about reflecting on our life, and unpacking some of our fears and insecurities, it’s about discovering something about ourselves, and hopefully creating a space for some new habits or actions to be implemented.
We live in a society that is educating us from the time we are born about what it means to be in this society, about a particular version of history, and math and science and jobs and money and what to buy and what to wear and what to think and celebrities and the lottery and all of this outer stuff that we are supposed to focus on that we sometimes never learn to take a moment to look inward. We aren’t really taught how to relate to all of this inner stuff. We go around knowing all these things, and accumulating all this knowledge and all these facts and opinions and judgments, without spending as much time asking, “Who am I that is doing all this knowing?” We go around feeling so much, or feeling so numb, but we don’t spend as much time asking, “Who am I that is doing all this feeling?”
So let me ask you, how well do you know yourself? How well can one “know thyself”? as the Greek saying goes..
I meet way too many people who tell me who they are by defining who they are not, “I’m this type of person, or that type of person, and I’m not that type of person.” If you say so.
See, you’ve accumulated all these facts and opinions about yourself, “I like chocolate, hate almonds, my favorite color is yellow, I’m socially anxious, I hate public speaking, my nose is ugly, my shoulders are gorgeous, I’m such a dork, I’m not brave, ” We decide these things about ourselves and think that’s who we are. But that isn’t who you are.
I think we get too focused on defining ourselves through labels and our opinions and our fears. Especially growing up. It becomes a way of distinguishing ourselves, a way of finding where we fit in, and where we don’t. It’s not such a bad thing, but as much as we feel like we are defining who we are, making who we are more clear to us and others, every label actually limits who we are in some way. When you become so identified with a label that you forget you are limitless, then all you have done is stepped into a cage with the key in your pocket.
Rather than trying to define yourself with these labels of identification (goth, jock, nerd, awkward, rebel, shy, brave, loud, overly sensitive, difficult, depressed, virgo, libra, ADHD) understand that you are SO much more than any label could grasp, you are all of the labels and more. Understand that you might be shy in some situations, and totally comfortable in others. You might be a coward when it comes to romantic relationships, but incredibly brave when it comes to your family or friends. Understand that maybe you need to see more, travel more, experience more, maybe you need to gather more information before you try and define yourself so surely. Maybe you need to give yourself time. Maybe you need to go and push and stretch yourself, before you know what you are really made of. Maybe you need to listen less to the voice that tells you how small and worthless and limited you are, and more to that small voice that whispers you can do anything.
Life Survival Tip #13: Allow space to surprise yourself. Can you do that? Leave some room in your own understanding, that maybe you are more than you even know, that how you are now, is not necessarily how you will be a month, a year, or five years from now. And you have more power to affect that change than you realize.
Do not forget that part of you is limitless, if you allow space for that to be true.
We love to think of ourselves as a constant, like when we learn about evolution and the big bang as things that have already happened and not a process that is continually happening. Continually unfolding. Something that we are a part of. You are the big bang. You are in the big bang. You are in evolution.
When you get on board with that, rather than trying to constantly define yourself as this static thing, it is like surfing the waves, rather than trying to tread water in the same place as the waves crash over you. To further that metaphor, the waves are going to come, and they are going to take you somewhere, that you can’t control, whether on the board or treading water, but at least surfing you have some say, you can find some style and flow with it, you can embrace the forces of nature and create your ride.
When you approach yourself with the understanding that evolution is your nature, it gives you somewhere to go, it gives you some room to grow.
I think we have a problem with identity in our society. What we think we are. What we think makes us us. We get caught up identifying with such small things, only a small part of the picture. We get caught up identifying with what isn’t actually us, with things that could change at any moment, sure, they may be traits we are expressing, they may be things we feel or think at this moment, they may be something someone called us, it might be something a doctor diagnosed, but that still isn’t who we are.
YOU are not depressed. You may experience depression. You may struggle with depression. But that is not who, or what you are. You might experience disease, but you are not your disease. You are not your opinions. You are not what people say about you. You are probably not even what you say about yourself.
So when we are looking for a starting point to answer that big question, we have to ask What about me will not change? What about me cannot change? And from there we can begin to ask Who Am I? What Am I?
There is a chance that right after you ask that, there will be this small space before all your thoughts start up again, and I’d guess the answer is somewhere in that space.
I think we need to remember those things that make us all same, the truth that we are all part of the same thing before we can effectively understand those specific things that makes us unique. I think we need to remember above all else, we are all humans on Earth, before we are an American, or African, or British, or French, before we are a Christian, or Muslim, before we are gay or straight. Bigger than all of those differences is the truth of what makes us the same. And we have to allow that truth to penetrate our reality, more than we allow the smaller ideas of what makes us different. We need to allow the big picture to move us, before we can fully appreciate and understand the specifics. And if who you think you are, requires other people who you think are different, to not be a part of your big picture, then you are going to live a very insecure life.
At this moment, we all have these things we know about ourselves. Like me, for instance: I am 25, I am a little brother to my sister, I am an artist/actor/musician/writer, I am committed to fulfilling my dreams, I am committed to making a difference in the world, I am committed to my relationship, sometimes I get really uncomfortable with small talk, sometimes I get really socially anxious when in a room full of people I don’t know, I am terrible at calling and texting people back, I have a hard time staying organized and organizing my time, I can be really lazy, sometimes I get stuck in overwhelming doubt that I can’t do it, sometimes I get deeply insecure about my life, I love Radiohead in a way that is hard to describe, I have a hard time listening to a lot of rap music and country music because of the lyrical content, and on and on and on and on. These are all things I don’t just know, but I believe to be true about myself. There are some things like, I am a little brother to my sister, that is not going to change. But occasionally I’ll become aware of something I am believing about myself, or the world, that I do want to change. Let’s take the thought “I can be really lazy.” Now I phrased that in a way, that leaves room for change. But what I used to believe is “I am really lazy.” Now, if that is something that I believe, then my actions will come from that place. I will do things to confirm that story. And when it gets confirmed, I get to be right. I get to say, “Yep, I was right, I’m lazy, here I am doing that lazy stuff again instead of all the stuff I should be doing.” I get to be right, as if, me being lazy is something intrinsic in my being, something I cannot change.
But you have the power to adjust your beliefs, if you can become aware of them first. I can become aware that I am believing the story that I am lazy. That I keep telling myself that story and confirming it with my actions. But with being aware of it, I can stop telling that story. Just stop telling it. I can re-write it. I can tell a new story. I am not lazy. I can be lazy. But I can also be more than that. I can be productive. I can be committed. So then when I catch myself about to make a lazy choice, I can now choose a different action, I can stop confirming the old story. Get it?
Don’t be so quick to accept limitations.
What I invite you to do is check in with where you are right now. Write down a list of all of the things that you know about yourself, all the things you believe about yourself. It can be a long list. Really get in there and do your best to get clear on what you believe. What do you believe about yourself? In relation to your family? The opposite sex? Your future? Your past? The world? God? Hope? Pain? Your body? What virtues do you care most about? Do you live by them? Check in if any of those beliefs or stories have become outdated, if they don’t ring true, if you want to adjust, expand, or straight up delete any of the items on your list. Because what we believe about ourselves and the world, is what shapes our world and our experience of it. Beliefs shape reality. And we all have some limiting beliefs in us that are shaping a more difficult reality. Do your best at this exercise and see what opens up.
And understand we all have blindspots, beliefs we can’t see because they are so attached to how we see life. This is why we must be diligent. We must seek out mirrors that help us see into the blindspots. Therapy. Counseling. A Life Coach. Books. Workshops. Support Groups. We don’t have to go it alone. Get good at finding those beliefs that no longer serve you, and letting them go. Get good at creating a life where you matter, where you are empowered to make a difference. The Serenity Prayer goes, “Lord, Universe, Big Kahuna, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Feels good to be back friends. As always, thank you for being here, comment below your experience or thoughts on this, share it with friends, subscribe. The Guide Season 1 continues !!!
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