right now, i feel like i can never be genuinely happy
looking back, the period that challenged me the most was during the start of the year 2019. i was only 17. a lot of things happened, i needed to learn acceptance, and i needed to be strong. it was the year that my father got diagnosed with chronic kidney disease.
that is also when i started to discover a lot of things, things that i only heard from other people, but in fact it was true all along. maybe i know that it was all true and i am just in denial about it.
however i needed to be strong, i know that he also gain strength from me, i needed to act like i am strong. i believe i did great on imposing to other people that i am indeed strong.
i need my papa, i wasn’t ready to lose him, i will never be. so he fought for us. he started to recover little by little, it wasn’t smooth, and all i can do is to be there for him, to say those encouraging words, and to take care of him.
and 2023 happened. during the start of the year, i’m trying to be optimistic. but my intuition keeps on telling me that something bad is going to happen.
my papa’s health was deteriorating when this year started. it was never a good sight seeing him struggling. he keeps on telling me that he’s tired. all i can do is to say some encouraging words, pray for him, and cry in silence.
i was worried. i don’t want to go through again the emotional trauma i experienced during 2019 when i was so scared of losing my father. i kept on being optimistic that he will recover again. but my intuition tells me that i need to be prepared in case bad things will happen. maybe it wasn’t my intuition, but it was the lab results and his words that he’s already tired.
as much as i want him to stay here for a really long time, it hurts me to see how he’s trying to fight but his body is starting to fail him.
and the night of august 6th happened. i saw my papa in the hospital bed again. i didn’t even want to enter the hospital. being in a hospital feels so heavy. it’s so hard to see him having a life support for him to keep breathing.
he left us in august 8th. i cried myself to sleep. i didn’t have enough time to process my thoughts, my emotions, and everything. my mama, kuyas, and i have to be in charged in preparing his burial.
four months have passed and until now i still cry a lot. it feels so empty without you around. i miss your texts, i miss eating dinner with you and the conversation we make, and i miss cooking with you. every time i want to know things about cars, or even shortcuts to get to a place, you’ll be there to answer my questions. when the drainage is clogged or when one thing is broken at home, you’ll be there to fix it.
it’s still so hard to go through life without you. but i know you’ll say that i should go on with my life.
right now, i feel like i can never be genuinely happy. it will be a long journey to be able to live without you.
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
stormborns
