Agerecember day 3: Cuddles
Caregiver: Crispin Cienfuegos
More a hurt/comfort than an agere fic but it's implied a little? Idk. I've been watching The great North. Painfully underrated guys!
Ham is having feelings he can't quite understand, luckily his boyfriend is there to help him get through it.
He doesn't get a lot of time by himself, but when he does, he keeps himself as busy as possible.
Ham's family is always around him and dragging him into some crazy scheme, but his family was out today - all having their own excuse, so as per usual, Ham tried to find something to do...
But everything he usually did seemed...like they were no longer an option. Nothing in him forced himself to just get busy...
He usually baked but...he felt no inspiration.
He didn't feel like doing anything. He thought he just-
He just wanted to cry today.
Lately, he's been feeling off. He has this weird pang in his chest- and it's been on and off for weeks now. Not seeming to stay gone.
He knew the feeling... kinda; It was the same feeling as when his mom left and they were sure she wasn't coming back this time- but he couldn't really identify what the feeling was exactly.
None of those felt right- almost like it couldnt be described so simply. He didn't get it!
Maybe all of it at once, making a weird fourth emotion he didn't have a name for.
The feeling... it made him feel so...
He tried to avoid it. Tried calling Crispin to invite him over- but he was busy.
He tried volunteering somewhere, but nothing was happening so last minute.
Why was he even thinking of Kathleen? She probably hasn't thought about him...ever.
He went to his room and crawled into bed, hoping the feeling will just go away on it's own.
The rest of his family seemed so good at... not feeling. Why can't he be more like them?
Tears fell down his face before he realized, and once they started he couldn't stop them.
He turns over and tries getting to sleep.
He can't feel this bad if he's asleep right?
He wasn't even sure how long he was in bed before hearing a gentle knock on the door.
"Ham?" Crispin asks, knocking on the door. "Hamuel?" He asks again.
Ham gasps softly- he didn't want Crispin to see him like this!
"Um. Hold on- Crispin! Don't-" Before he can finish, he tries getting out of bed but gets tangled up in the blanket and falls on his face. "Ow!"
"Ham? Are you okay?" Crispin asks from the other side of the door. "Ham?"
"Yes-" Ham answers, pulling himself up, tears keep falling and- he can't stop them. He wipes his face and looks in the mirror quickly.
And of course it's puffy and red. Great!
"Babe?" Crispin asks again. "Can I...come in?"
"Um." Ham didn't know...did he want Crispin to see this side of him?
What would he think of him? How would he explain this to his boyfriend?
"I...don't know." He says, backing up a little, just standing. Feeling...stuck, not knowing what to do right now.
"Ham, I'm starting to get worried. What's going on?" Crispin asks him.
When Ham doesn't answer, Crispin sighs. "Ham, I'm coming in." He says, opening the door slowly.
He opens the door and peaks into the room, seeing Ham just standing there, holding his arms...looking lost.
"Babe, are you okay?" Crispin asks, hurrying to his boyfriend's side, gently holding him in his arms.
"I uh. I think so." Ham says, turning to Crispin and hugging him back. "I'm sorry." He says.
"Don't apologize. What's going on? What happened?" He asks.
"Nothing happened." Ham wipes his eyes. "I uhm. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Let's start at the beginning." Crispin says, guiding Ham to his bed.
Ham followed Crispin, who sits down on the end of the bed. He holds Ham's hand reassuringly, and Ham sits down next to him, resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder.
"I really don't know." Ham says. "I'm just feeling sort of...off? And I don't know why." Ham says.
Crispin hums softly but doesn't say anything, letting Ham think it over and say more if he wanted to.
Ham thought for a moment, his mind full of thoughts of all he was feeling, but somehow, no words were really... feeling right. "I-" He tries to start talking but he can't.
"Has this happened before?" Crispin asks him. "Or is this brand new?'
Ham nods. "It's happened...a few times."
"Can you describe how you're feeling exactly?" Crispin asks.
"It's like...my chest is...warm and- kinda painful?" Ham gueses. "And my mind feels so cold and hot at the same time...and I feel kinda...just not okay. Sometimes I can also feel...just nothing- but a deep nothing- like something is missing." Ham explains. "It gets really bad when I start to think about my mom...and when I'm alone."
Crispin's eyes widen a bit. His boyfriend never talks about his mom. Well, he knows she left them a few years ago, but that was about it. "What kind of thoughts come up to make you feel...like that? Would you share some with me?"
Ham looks away for a moment. "I guess just...in general. Memories and stuff."
"It's normal, you know. Missing your mom." Crispin says.
Ham let go of Crispin's hand and moves himself up further onto his bed until his body is pressed against the wall. He grabs his legs and holds him close. "I...don't think I do." He admits. "I mean, not her- but the her she should have been? Does that even make sense?"
Crispin nods. "I'm guessing she wasn't really nice to you?"
Ham shakes his head and wipes his eyes. "She never seemed to...care much about us, she never reaches out." He says. "She just...left. I shouldn't be so upset about someone who we're obviously better off without, right?"
"It's okay to be upset." Crispin says, wiping one of Ham's tears. "It's okay."
"It's not." Ham says. "She left so- why does it even matter? This was years ago!" He asks. "If anyone should be upset, it should be moon who she didn't even bother to try and raise, or Judy who had to go through puberty without mom's help- hell, even Wolf who knew her best. I don't have a reason to be this upset about it!"
"You don't need a reason, she was your mom." Crispin says, moving closer to him. "Have you ever...talked to your family about how you feel about it?"
Ham shrugs. "Not...recently." He mumbles. "Hardly ever."
"Your family does have this...habit of avoiding big feelings like this- maybe you just never really processed her leaving?" Crispin suggests.
Ham sniffs. "Maybe. But, why do I feel so...bad? Like I did something to make her leave? I know- I didn't. But maybe if I had...been better?"
"There's nothing you could have done. Sometimes people do bad things, that doesn't mean you deserved them or caused them to happen. You were a kid." Crispin says. "It's normal to feel the way you do, but you should know it's not your fault."
"Stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong. I'm your boyfriend, you're safe with me." He says. "Even when it comes to feelings."
Ham hugs his boyfriend and Crispin holds him tight. "I got you. Okay? You're safe. Just let it out."
"We used to try and reach out...call, email or send her letters, I wanted to tell her that I was gay...I think- she would have accepted it...not sure she would have cared at all actually."
"You never told her?" Crispin asks.
Ham shakes his head. "No, I felt like...I wanted to punish her for leaving? I don't know. When I considered it, she changed her number... moved or something. Sometimes, she would randomly update us on her life with an email, but eventually... she stopped responding, so...we stopped reaching out. We only see updates on her blog now."
"Oh...babe-" Crispin rubs his back.
"She just...didn't want me I guess." Ham says, trying again to stop the tears that kept falling down his face.
"Well, that's her loss." Crispin says. "Because you, Hamuel Tobin, are the best person I know. I'm so sorry you didn't get the mother you deserved." He says.
Ham couldn't contain the sob that was threatening to escape him all day- he doesn't even remember the last time he cried like this...he doesn't remember the last time he felt safe enough to cry like this.
"Come here, baby." Crispin holds Ham in his arms, and wraps a blanket around them. "I got you."
Ham holds Crispin close, as if he too could dissappear at any moment. His cries calm as Crispin brushes his delicate fingers through his hair. "It was very brave talking to me the way you did."
Crispin nods. "Mhm. I'm very proud of you. You've never opened up to me like this before."
"I don't think I've opened up to anyone like this before." Ham says. "I don't like it.."
"Well, you can always talk to me if you want to. Maybe it could help? I love you, and I promise I won't ever judge you for having feelings."
Ham snuggles even closer to Crispin. "I love you too. Thank you, Crispin."
Crispin kisses his forehead and holds him for another hour or so.
Even when his family returned from their venture...they stayed quiet and cuddled up together for another hour or so.
Ham was okay...he was safe.
Maybe next time he feels this way...he can just call Crispin. And he can make things okay again.
My first "Great North" fic! Idk why this is suddenly a thing I want to write, but I'd be willing to do more. Maybe one with Judy or wolf?
If anyone is reading this, let me know if you'd be interested in another fic.
Anywayz. Hope you liked it! Byeeee
