Kim Kardashian: Superstar
The infamous Kim Kardashian sex tape of 2007. It’s not yet the tape’s 10 year anniversary at the time of this article, but it is the most popular sex tape of all time….until early September 2014 when Mimi Faust and Nikko Smith from relationship reality show Love N Hip Hop released a sex tape through Vivid Entertainment. There’s actually a lot going on with Kimmy’s sex tape beyond, you know, the sex.
The tape was released in February 2007. The reality show Keeping up With the Kardashians launched in October 2007. The tape took place when Kim was dating R&B singer, and Brandy’s little brother, Ray J in the year 2003. During the time of the tape in 2003, Kim was going through a divorce but technically still married-at-the-time to music producer Damon Thomas. Kim and Damon married in the year 2000, when Kim was 19 years old. Kim claims she separated from Damon after three years of marriage due to emotional and physical abuse inflicted upon her by Damon. Kim became friends with Paris Hilton around 2003, and met Ray J shortly afterwards.
During the year 2003, Kim’s father and infamous lawyer from the OJ Simpson trial, Robert Kardashian, was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and died in September. So there’s a lot going on in the year 2003 from Kim’s point of view to say the least. She’s hanging with all these super rich heirs and heiresses and married (but going through the process of divorcing) to an abusive husband and her dad is dying with esophageal cancer and she meets this dude Ray J. Her record producer husband is 33, only ten years her elder, but when you are 23 anyone over 25 seems old as shit. Ray J is her age. And probably worked with her husband (who ended up producing a 2008 Brandy record, so he knew the family obviously). So they start dating. And make this fuck tape.
Now the tape itself is another curious case. It’s not a simple 26 minutes of oral sex and dick into vagina. It’s over 90 minutes. And 80 of the minutes are spent fully clothed. I know because I downloaded the full tape in early 2008, after a Kim Kardashian nude spread for Playboy in December 2007 that I came across (ha-ha) inspired me to seek out the tape. I also recently checked the most recent and popular (and safe) torrents on popular torrent site kickass torrents. Still a 93 minute video. Tens of thousands of downloads and over 553 likes to 11 dislikes.
So most of the video is just Kim K and Ray J being a young couple. They’re out frolicking at a beach. They tape themselves around the hotel they were staying at. I think at one point they’re simply chilling at a Chipotle. Then the last 11 minutes of the video kick in. They are in a smaller hotel room, much less luxurious than the previous one. Kim is in a large, white bathrobe. They break the 4th wall and talk into the camera. Kim is seen putting on makeup in the bathroom for a few minutes. Then Ray J announces its time to fuck and the tape proceeds. A short 9 minutes later it’s over, as Ray J utilizes the pull out method and Kim finishes him off onto her chest.
When the tape initially “leaked”, the porn entertainment giant Vivid Entertainment began selling the tape and dubbed it “Kim K Superstar”. Kim sued Vivid and ended up receiving a $5 million settlement from Vivid out of court after she dropped the lawsuit. Was it all contrived? Did the conniving matriarch of the Kardashian clan Kris Jenner conspire to have the video released February 2007 in order to build interest in the reality show they had coming in the fall of 2007? Did she tell Kim it would be better to have it leaked, sue Vivid as a publicity stunt to draw even more attention to it, and then “settle” out of court, but really they’d be collecting their agreed upon fee from Vivid?
Or did Kim simply make a fuck tape because she was hot and her partner was hot and they were 23 and she was going through a lot of shit in 2003 and all that jazz? Or did they make the tape knowing there would be a release date at some point? Ray J didn’t really do anything in entertainment immediately following the sex tape release like Kim. He did get his own reality show, but that wasn’t until 2009. The four year gap between the making of the tape and its release kind of puts a dent in the “She made it with the intent of leaking it publicly” theory. Maybe Kris simply didn’t find out about the existence of her daughter’s sex tape until like 2006, three years after it was made, and at that point began plotting a way to make a buck out of it? Maybe she knew of the tape since its conception in 2003, was pissed about its very existence, then developed an idea for a reality show based around her family and started to realize the tape might be a way to build anticipation for the show and start off with high ratings.
Who knows? I certainly don’t. Nor do I care. I like to invent storylines behind people’s actions but ultimately it makes no difference to me. I watched the tape 6-7 times, masturbated to various parts of it on three separate occasions, and I’m over it. Now I want to write about it. I want to narrate it. So here we go. Sync your DVDs up.
I will be going by the full length video version. There is a shortened version that contains mostly only the blow job part on popular porn website YouPorn. It’s a 5 minute clip with 11.8 million views as of September 3, 2014, it was posted 2 years ago in May 2012. The video clip has nearly 11,000 ratings and funnily enough a 69% approval rating. Spoiler alert: There is no 69-ing in this sex tape. So the community agrees it’s not the highest quality clip and it’s only a mere 5 minutes not even half of the full length video, but there are still nearly 12 million views over a period of only two years. Sure there are plenty of YouTube videos with hundreds of millions of views, but that’s still a nice amount of views. Really proves how widespread and notorious Kim’s sex tape/vagina is.
Without further ado we begin:
The first 38 seconds of the video are intro. A trailer for the sex tape we are all about to watch. Around the 44 second mark the words “Los Angeles” are displayed across the screen.
Wow this feels weird and creepy. It really is just a home movie. And I’m literally watching and narrating it. Ray J holding the camera, introduces us to Kim, who is wearing a large, white bathrobe. There is a television in the corner of the hotel room. The television isn’t a flat screen. Holy shit. This really is 2003.
A phone rings. It’s a landline with a cord and everything. Is this 2003 or 1993? Why are they getting calls at the hotel? Who is calling them right now?
Kim answers the phone. Meanwhile Ray J talks to the camera. Something about an airport. He keeps saying “y’all” like he’s talking to a viewing audience. Or maybe it’s just Ray J being funny. Not really made clear. It cuts away to a groggy Kim waking up.
Ray J talks to the camera some more. Then Kim is on her stomach, ass up. Ray J is going in from the back, oh boy! The first 3 minutes you can’t see any nudity. They position the camera on a night stand so that all you can see is a lamp in the far corner of their hotel room. We overhear Kim say “Oh fuck, Ray J”. Damn so she has to say the “J” at all times, too? Can’t just be “Ray”? Always Ray AND J. Jeez.
After some readjusting of the camera, we see Ray J’s erect penis for the first time. After he spits on it, it is inserted into Kim’s rear end. A few very solid minutes of anal pounding from Ray J ensue. At a few different intervals Ray J leans down to make-out with Kim, and his silver chain smacks her in the face each time. You really gotta wear that chain at all times? I kind of hate dudes with the constant silver chain hanging around the neck. Sorry.
I am overall impressed by Ray J’s flexibility. A true athlete. Great hip movement. Great pace.
A little after the 7 minute mark of Ray J going to Pound Town on Kim, he pulls out and flips her over in order to finish himself off on her chest. What a selfish lover. It’s all about satisfying his genital area. Yeesh. “The Next Morning Before Cabo” is now presented on the screen. I’ve never been to god damn Cabo…
Kim and Ray J have finished eating at some random Chipotle. Ray J is again blathering around about something. I’m focused on the fact he is sporting the “sunglasses barely hanging off your ears” look and they keep almost hitting his chin when he talks. He’s wearing a very baggy white t-shirt. Which is significant because after a minute of talking to the camera, he gets a sleeve full of a ketchup dipping packet.
After the ketchup incident, we are shown close ups of Kim’s bling. She’s got some bling on her left AND right wrists. Both wrists! Double wrist bling game is above my level, sorry. Next we are shown her expensive looking toe-ring in the shape of a cross. Great.
The words “Plane Ride to Cabo” are flashed as we are taken away from the Chipotle.
Sure enough, Kim and Ray J are on a plane to Cabo. KAH-BO. Kim is seen applying makeup. God, it would be annoying as fuck to be seated near them on this plane. Ray J zooms in on her bare feet randomly. Kim proves she has control over her toes, as she performs “scrunches” and “spreads them out wide”. Then Kim points the camera so that the view from the window can be seen. “That’s the ocean!” Kim exclaims.
After a minute, there truly is a fucking beautiful shot of the airplane descending into Cabo San Lucas. Pretty great stuff for us peons who will never get to make the journey. Ray J signs off by bragging about being in first class. He tells the audience to brace for “Girls gone wild in Cabo”.
We overhear Kim fumbling with the camera. “Wait how do you pause it? Wait, which button? Is it this one?” Ray J is forced to take the camera from Kim in order to pause the recording. The words “Cabo San Lucas” appear on screen.
The gruesome twosome have landed. Ray J, as the cameraman, takes us through the airport in Cabo, onto their “Suburban!” ride through Cabo and into their hotel. As they are driven through Cabo, Ray J focuses the camera on the coastline. It’s quite lovely. This sex tape would make a wonderful tourist video for Cabo.
For those of you who aren’t 80 year old Russian grandparents, tourist videos are amateurly shot videos by random tourists who take the audience with them on their week long trek through any given exotic destination. My grandparents love the Tel Aviv video series. Note: These tourist videos are sold exclusively in run down Russian grocery stores in a mid-sized Midwestern town near you!
We arrive at the hotel. Ray J is the self-proclaimed director of this home movie as he shepherds the audience around the room while Kim is left to unpack. It’s kind of odd because as Ray J takes the camera on the hotel balcony to show off the breath-taking views of Cabo, he says into the camera that this is for all us fans out there. Weird.
Ray J mentions the battery isn’t fully charged, so he can’t step all the way out onto the balcony, only into the doorway. He captures a spectacular view of the beach. Fucking rich people. 23 year olds should not be vacationing first class in Cabo. Ridiculous. I’m very aware that I’m poor as shit, and very bitter about it right about now.
Ray J spots some black people lounging around the hotel pool underneath their balcony. He seems very relieved there are other black people at this resort in Cabo. He says black people are coming up in the world, they have lots of black millionaires now. He was probably extremely happy when Obama won the presidential election 5 years after this home movie was shot.
Ray J spots an old white guy at the pool as well and zooms in on him for a minute. He shows off the Jacuzzi on the balcony before heading back into the room. Kim is still unpacking as Ray J begs for her to shake her ass for the camera. She rolls her eyes at him, flashes him some pressed together cleavage, and goes back to unpacking in her mom jeans and baggy gray t-shirt.
“Life is a Beach” now comes across our screens. Umm, who is coming up with these interstitials exactly? Is it Vivid Entertainment? Or did Ray J play cameraman, director, narrator, AND editor? Not clear.
Ray J is smoking a blunt now and once again showing off the incredible views.
Ray J keeps referencing “y’all” every time he shows anything with the camera. Let me show y’all this and let me show y’all that. It really is curious. Kim and Ray J walk down to the beach, as Kim trips on the sidewalk and Ray J makes fun of her. Ray J then says he is going to get Kim to “loosen all the way up” by the end of the trip. Interesting. Whatever could he mean?
There is an amazing pool right in front of the beach/ocean. I gotta credit Ray J for one thing, he really does seem like he’s soaking in everything around him and how lucky he is to have these high class life experiences. Kim just seems totally empty.
They order a couple pina coladas and do regular couple stuff on the beach. There is one genuinely incredible interaction between the two:
Ray J: [to Kim, who is standing by the ocean] How is the water?
Kim: [not actually in the water] It’s warm!
Ray J: You ain’t even in the fucking water!
They frolic around the beach/pool area for a while, which is generally uneventful, and then pause the tape. “Ready to Party” flashes across the screen now.
“That’s not an artificial color dawg, that’s actually the sun setting.” – Ray J the poet. Ray J shows off his party clothes (long sleeve collared shirt and dress pants) and then shows off the gorgeous Cabo scenery once again. This guy really appreciates nature. “Kim and Ray J go Clubbing” flashes on screen as the camera is switched into night vision mode and we are taken into a Cabo taxi cab with Kim and Ray J headed to some sort of nightlife, presumably.
They show what I imagine is a pretty accurate depiction of downtown Cabo as they are driven to their destination.
They arrive at a generic looking bar that is half outdoor half indoor. We can only hear the music blaring, as Ray J sets down the camera at their table. We witness Kim and Ray J get turnt up taking a few tequila shots.
After a lot of nothing, Ray J is chosen to go on the dance floor with the host for the evening. He is taught Mexican dance numbers, which he fucks up on purpose to get laughs from the crowd. Where will this crazy night go next?
We are informed its Kim’s 23rd birthday. For my 23rd birthday I drank some Budweiser with three male friends over the course of 12 hours. Then I went to sleep. That’s fucking it. Although I was in Santa Barbara for it, it’s far from being Cabo. Plus I was poor as shit.
The camera cuts away from the raucous Cabo night life and Kim is lying in bed writing something, pen in hand.
Kim is lying in bed with a lot of papers. She is scribbling something on one of the pages. Ray J enters the scene only in white boxers. And of course his trademark silver chain. Ray J goes into the camera lens aggressively and yells, “Directed by Ray J! Never forget that motherfuckers!”
There is a cut and then Kim and Ray J are momentarily fondling each other’s clothed genitalia, then there is another cut and Ray J appears in a large bathrobe and is filming himself standing in front of a full length mirror. Ray flips the camera over his shoulder and we catch a peak at Kim’s naked boobs. This split second of nude boobs is the only time they are seen in this fashion throughout this whole 90 minute sex tape.
Ray J states, “You gotta love it” and walks into another room. He’s drunkenly talking to the camera. He claims he’s going to “fuck with the lenses” so that we can all see his “directorial talents”. Sure, Ray J. We just want to see your fat cock in Kim’s fat ass. Get to that part again.
“One year later in Santa Barbara comes across the screen”. Wait this tape was kept this long? Ray J pops the collar on his large, white bathrobe and launches into a monologue. After a lot of lying around on top of the king sized hotel bed with their large, white bathrobes on, Kim and Ray J begin stimulating each other’s genitals.
Hand job time! After Kim’s hand strokes his dick for like a couple seconds he’s fully engorged.
It then cuts away to Kim applying makeup very carefully. A lot of eye stuff. She’s wearing a bikini under her large, white bathrobe and dances a little for Ray J.
Its time! It’s finally time! Ray J has the camera on a night stand, pointed at him and Kim sitting on the foot of the hotel bed. The infamous pre-fuck monologue. Ray J is giving a pep talk to the audience. He comes up close to the camera, throwing up weird and indistinguishable hand signs, and tells us that, “when you are jacking it to this y’all and you’re in that zone, go real hard y’all!” Will do Ray J. When I rub my dick raw, I’m suing you Ray J.
Kim is lying on the bed, still in the large, white bathrobe but its wide open and we see her in a bikini. Ray J enters with a half consumed bottle of Champagne and says, “It’s time to party.”
Ray J films Kim lying on the bed until a phone rings and he pauses the tape. How many times is a phone going to ring right before they bang? Who keeps calling them when they’re in their hotel room?
Ray J does some light rubbing of the vagina over Kim’s bikini bottoms. He pulls away and films Kim splayed out on the bed. She now ditches the large, white bathrobe. The phone rings AGAIN.
Is this Chekov’s phone? Are we going to see the phone play a vital role in the movie somehow? This time Kim takes the camera, pointing it straight ahead and simply films Ray J answering a seemingly innocuous phone call.
Ah the good stuff. Ray J is gingerly licking Kim’s pussy. Pretty nicely shaved, but it has the little black landing strip that many girls go with nowadays. Her pussy lips are surprisingly not saggy at all in this sex tape, I’m guessing after a few more boyfriends and a child it is in much worse shape today.
There’s a close up of Ray J suckling on Kim’s vagina and then the camera is placed on the foot of the bed. Kim’s leg is in the way and all the audience sees is Ray J’s heading lightly bobbing up and down for a couple minutes.
Ray J breaks the fourth wall and looks into the camera every few seconds and Kim begins audibly moaning due to vaginal/clitoral stimulation.
Ray J decides to ramp up the speed and Kim moves her leg to block the audience’s view even more. All we see is her right thigh and both hands holding down Ray J’s head.
Ray J breaks from the furious cunt licking for a moment. He pulls off Kim’s bikini bottoms and takes a chug from the champagne bottle. Now Kim is holding the camera and Ray J is back to giving her drunken oral sex. He’s munchin’ and lickin’ away for a minute then stops. He drops a digit to test how wet the vagina is then the camera cuts away.
Kim is lying in bed with her bare ass to the camera, as Ray J is using her ass as a pillow.
Ray J rises from the bed and is filming Kim. She pops out her left breast and gives it a squeeze, as Ray J gives the audience a close up of the nipple. Meh.
Kim pops out the other boob now as well and Ray J is clearly pumped up about this, as he performs a violent head bob for the camera to show his enthusiasm.
Kim then seems like she swallows the gum that she’s been chewing on for what seems like the entire 80 minutes of the video so far. She’s probably been chewing that same piece of gum since the plane ride to Cabo. The dick suckage now officially begins.
Light tongue work around the glans to really get things started. Then Ray J positions the camera to Kim’s left side, so the audience sees his erect dick going into Kim Kardashian’s open mouth.
Kim takes in only the head of penis and simultaneously uses BOTH hands to work the shaft of the penis. Congrats, Ray J. After a couple minutes, she’s done with that part of the sex.
Kim is now holding the camera as Ray J inserts his engorged penis into her vagina. He pulls out and starts performing the earthquake method of oral sex on a lady. Which is to say, he’s simply shaking his head side to side and just being real sloppy with the tongue. No precision. No plan whatsoever.
He then does a little in and out action with Kim, at which point she tosses the camera on its side, somewhere near the foot of the bed. Now all the audience sees is a lump of bed sheets.
Ray J attempts to adjust the camera quickly but all we see is Kim’s right thigh gyrating and hear some mild sex noises emanating from the two lovebirds. No genitalia of any kind is in view.
Ray J attempts to focus the blurry camera and angles the lens down so the viewers can see his dick going into Kim’s vagina, repeatedly. After some fast thrusting Kim begins stimulating her clitoris with her left hand, but she’s also still chewing gum. What the. How is that possible? This sex tape is more about chewing gum and hotel phones ringing than actual penetration.
The tape cuts away and the room is much brighter now. Ray J and Kim are talking into the camera about nonsense. Kim gives Ray J a quick penis suckle for a second and the camera cuts away again.
This time Kim is lying on her stomach ass out with Ray J’s engorged penis going in for the kill.
His dick goes in and out slowly a few times and we get a shot of Kim’s face. She seems more sleepy than horny. Her eye makeup is prominent and still fully intact.
As Ray J taps dat ass, things are blurry and there’s really nothing to beat off to in the scene.
They decide to re-position the camera. They place it on the night stand by the hotel bed, so that we the audience can see the action over Kim’s left shoulder. They move the sheets out of the way.
Ray J re-positions his cock and the two are ready to go again.
Ray J attempts to dazzle the audience with his display of eye opening pelvic thrusting capabilities. He throws Kim’s vagina a mix of super-fast penetration and slow & steady penetration mixed in with romantically kissing her left eye socket.
After we see Kim’s ass fat shake for a couple minutes, Ray J quickly pulls out and goes in for the cum shot on the tits.
There was nothing to beat off to in this scene. All you see is Kim’s butt giggle and Ray J furiously gyrating his hips. No dick into vagina shots. Kim’s boobs are covered and not even in camera shot. Truly a terrible display of directing skills, Mr. Ray J. Stick to your day job. Of being Brandy’s little brother.
Kim gives a Ray J a quick penis suckle then Ray J goes back down for another 30 seconds of dick into vagina action. This time Kim is on her back, head propped up on a pillow. Kim pulls her tits out of her bra. Finally some bouncing titties. It lasts for another 30 seconds and Ray J again pulls out.
Kim gives a quick suckle, then finishes him off with her hands and onto her tummy/chest area. It seems like invisible cum comes out. If that was my dick, Kim would have an eye full of semen right now. My dick shoots 1950s-crowd-control-during-a-civil-rights-protest-with-a-fire-hose level jizz. That shit would have been everywhere. For Ray J like 3 drops come out and he goes into limp-dick.
Kim complains that her hands are very sticky and the camera is turned off for one final time. The most popular sex tape in human history is now over.
Well I certainly feel worse about myself after writing well north of 4,000 words about a minute by minute analysis of two people’s intimate moments they (most likely) never intended to share with the entirety of the human race.
But more to come on the topic of pornography in culture and my general thoughts on it. I’m sure many of you are disgusted with me. I’m disgusted with myself. But aren’t we all better off knowing every single detail about the Kim Kardashian sex tape of 2007? I think so.
Until next time, feel free to follow my perverted thoughts on Twitter
https://twitter.com/arthur_herpderp
Or see my collection of selfies and food porn on Instagram
http://instagram.com/arthurkhey
