In Conclusion.
So I am writing this at around 6:30 AM my time. I just can’t seem to get any sleep tonight, too many things on my mind. I still feel conflicted about even posting something like this, but I figure that if it’s likely going to be my last post on here, why not just get it off my chest?
I think what drew me to this site at the beginning, was the chance to branch out and find new friends, people that shared my interests, especially when it came to roleplaying in Guild Wars 2. I was hopeful back then, perhaps overly so now that I have time to reflect on it. This was also an attempt for me to try and reignite my creative spark, and get me motivated to write and draw again, something I found was decreasing over the years.
Since my initial impression of tumblr, I’ve have plenty of time to evaluate my expectations and experiences here. Some valuable lessons learned, and though there’s not easy way to say this: at this point in time, I feel the bad has outweighed the good for me.
I decided to take my break just under two months ago, and I think it helped. I was dealing with a lot of things at the time, and I still am in a way. I found that browsing this site wasn’t doing much to distract me anymore, and instead I just found myself finally accepting what I had been assuming for quite some time: that I feel like I am always just going to be an outsider.
Now, this is really no one’s fault but my own. How I act, what I allow in terms of how I filter myself, hold things back or set myself up to feel worse - it’s all my doing, and I’m aware that is is self defeating. At the end of the day, I just don’t think I am cut out for this kind of thing, I don’t really have what it takes; whether it be a lack in confidence, or my overthinking that gets in the way. My admittedly pitiful attempts to improve have a tendency to fail more often than not, leaving my mind to overshadow any glimmer of success I may come across.
Even as I’m typing all of this down, I can feel my eyes start to sting and my chest ache. I don’t like doing this, since I cannot shake my concerns about expressing myself because I will always feel it will be a lose-lose situation, no matter what way I look at it. Again, this is what I am just trying to accept so I can get this all down, and get some closure, since otherwise I feel like just leaving quietly, as I tend to do, just won’t ease my mind.
So this is kind of a last ditch attempt to make something of this all, so I can walk away from what I tried to build up for the past two years. It’s hard for me to reason that any of it would be worth keeping, since a lot of what I have here just sort of leaves me disheartened more than anything.
This is already getting longer than I intended, and I worry no one will bother reading this far, but I guess I’ll just have to be okay with that.
I may be done here, but you’ll still be able to find me elsewhere. Maybe we’ll chat in-game, or elsewhere, and I do still look forward to that happening. I am still open to roleplaying or helping out in any way that I can, and if you reach out to me I will always do my best to respond. I’ll keep this blog up for now, but I consider this to be a sort of ‘head’s up’, in case I just decide to delete it.
I think that’s it. Thank you for reading and take care.
