Nothing and Everything In Between

for words I couldn’t let out— for souls I sought but hardly found

[endlesswandering-yet]

Uncensored Thoughts.

To whom these thoughts may find,

The weight of feeling insecure, doubting yourself, and struggling to fight those internal battles is incredibly hard, and when it feels like your thoughts are coming at you relentlessly, it’s easy to think about giving up all at once. It's okay to feel lost at times—we are human, aren’t we? There are times we may go through phases where we don't even recognize ourselves, especially when facing some major life pressures.

(I would remind myself that I’m not alone in this, even if it sometimes feels that way.)

Life’s complexity can feel suffocating when all we want is simplicity, but without realization, in this confusion, we’re building resilience. We will find our way again like we always do, and that strength we admire in others is already within us. Maybe just a little hidden right now, but it’s there.

If you are reading this, please know that someone has been through all those thoughts. And she believes in your ability to find peace within yourself, even when things feel uncertain.

Love, a fellow traveler through complex thoughts.

-endlesswandering

[endlesswandering-yet]

Living Alone Was my Dream

'Oh, to live alone. On my own. Off the radar. Free from observing eyes. It'd be a beautiful life.'

That thought constantly replayed in a little girl’s head.

Growing up in a warm place and a pretty close-knit family is something I never take for granted. I witnessed countless heartwarming moments from childhood into adulthood. My early years were filled with beautiful and joyful memories, which mostly made up of the family scenes. We were always together, always celebrating. When I was young, I had no idea how big the world was, because my world only revolved around my family. Our families were close—so close that sometimes it became complicated. I didn’t quite understand what felt wrong. Like most children, I was voiceless. Powerless.

There. When the thought of leaving came, and I wanted to live alone.

I never thought I would get the chance to truly be off the hook. If you knew how my big family system functions, you would understand. I knew they were caring, that they tried to be helpful. But what I couldn’t understand was how difficult it was to distinguish between kindness and control. Every move I made had to be discussed. Every choice had to be cross-checked before I could make it. I slowly realized how exhausting it was to be constantly observed. At times, it felt suffocating.

...

26 years later, the moment arrived. Unplanned. Unprepared. I moved thousands of miles away from home into a place that knew nothing about me. I can be independent. I thought, "this is it—my dream comes true."

Except independence did not feel the way I imagined it would. Silence was louder than I expected. Decisions felt heavier when no one else carried them with me. When there was no one to question me, I strangely questioned myself even more. For a while, I became my own observer and control freak. And that was when I realized that independence is not something you step into overnight; it is something you slowly grow into.

The fact is, I missed home a lot, not just the people, but the version of myself that was allowed to lean, to be held, and be someone's responsibility. Yet, in between this adjustment and loneliness, I finally found myself. I found different layers beneath the wannabe perfect family-oriented daughter.

Now, I am living the dream of the little girl who once thought, “Oh, to live alone.”

-endlesswandering

[endlesswandering-yet]

Half-forgotten Memory

Some memories don’t stay because they are clear. They stay because they refuse to leave.

There was a moment I cannot fully remember, only the way it pulls at me. The details themselves are blurry, but the longing remains, soft yet heavy.

It's unsettling. Strange.

I wish I had acted differently. I wish I had been braver. A little louder. Less afraid of becoming someone else. I wish the story had bent another way.

Now, I have a simple wish—to remember your face, which has faded halfway from my memory. I just want to memorize your face or, at least, remember your name.

The way you made me feel still lingers in my heart. Regret feels like a tangled thread; the more I pull at it, the harder it is to undo.

Maybe I just need to leave it there.

But if you must return, please come gently. Pay me a visit in my dream.

-endlesswandering

[endlesswandering-yet]

Everything never exists

I come to learn that the most impossible thing in this world is everything.

We all know we can’t do everything, let alone know everything in one lifetime. That’s exactly why we’re told to do what matters most, to choose carefully how we spend this precious journey.

But today, ‘everything’ has taken on a different meaning for me. We think we know people. We convince ourselves we understand them completely, that we’ve seen everything there is to see. Yet when we pause long enough for deeper conversations, we realize how little we truly understand. Behind the smiles, the familiar routines, and the casual talks, there are battles we’ve never seen, stories we’ve never heard, and silences we’ve never noticed.

The truth is, we will never know everything about anyone. We only see the parts they allow us to see, the fragments they decide to share. And sometimes, those fragments barely scratch the surface of what they’re carrying.

Maybe the point isn’t to know everything but to remain gentle with each other (to friends, family, even strangers) because everyone holds untold stories close to their chest.

After all, every person is an unfinished book, and we are only ever reading a few chapters, or even pages.

-endlesswandering

[endlesswandering-yet]

24.07.25

I know there’s no space for love right now. It’s deeply painful to witness how we’re still hurting each other, when we could be standing together and growing together.

The negativity, manipulation, aggression, hatred, pain, and sorrow… it’s all heartbreaking and overwhelming. I feel drained. Lost for words.

But, I still believe in peace. Love is bigger than hatred.

Light will always overcome darkness. We can’t lose our true selves in the midst of this cruel madness. We will find our composure. We will be alright.

To all my friends and colleagues who reached out, who checked in on me and my people, thank you. Your prayers and support mean more than you know. I carry them with me.

Cambodia, I am proud of you. Proud of how united you are, how strong you are and how far you’ve come. We will rise above this. Together.

#TheWorldNeedsPEACE

[endlesswandering-yet]

Pleasure and Pressure

Isn’t it strange how people can bring both lightness and weight into our lives? The joys they offer often come wrapped in expectations, and what feels like pleasure at a moment slowly becomes a quiet pressure we never asked for. I’ve been thinking how easily these intentions blur like a thin fine line between genuine care and quiet demands, between comfort and obligation, leaving me questioning why the very people who make us smile can also leave us gasping for air.

I know it’s part of life—giving comes with taking, loving comes with sacrifice, and helping comes with expectation. But sometimes I wish that those who said they genuinely care would not make us feel guilty for failing to meet their expectations. It’s exhausting to be reminded of how grateful we should be, as though kindness is a debt to be repaid forever.

I wonder how many people truly offer a hand without thinking of what they’ll get back. I ask this quietly, as someone who is choosing that path. I would never help anyone if I knew I wanted something in return because the thoughts of it would guilt me.

I give because I can, because I want to. That doesn’t mean I’ve never had expectations, but never tied to the help I offered. I believe expectation can also destroy you. When you hold it, you’re the one who suffers when life doesn’t deliver and when people don’t show up as you hoped. Maybe I’m just care-less in the best sense, but the truth is, the less I care about external demands, the more inner peace I find within myself.

And I still believe the pleasure of life doesn’t have to come at the expense of the pressure. Humans are imperfect. We’re not robots programmed to respond on command. For those who insist on keeping everything balanced and fair, maybe try learning to give without demands. Let your help remain true. Life has its own way to give back to your sincere heart. And if your support plants a seed that grows long after you're forgotten, let that be enough. Be proud you were part of the root.

-endlesswandering

[endlesswandering-yet]

Nobody Phase.

There are moments in life when we find ourselves fading into a nobody, feeling as though we're being left behind. We can't always be the person we aspire to be in every stage of life. These times, these places—are the testament to how we resolve and shape who we're meant to become. Everyone desires to be somebody—someone significant, influential, and recognized for their contributions. Yet, some become so focused on the pursuit of importance that they believe they automatically deserve better, as if the world operates on a scale of fairness tilted in their favor. To some extent, they think it's acceptable to bring others down to lift themselves up. What many overlook is the unseen path that "somebody" has walked—the countless "nobody phases" they've endured to get where they are now. To become someone of essence is to earn it through one's own efforts and modesty. Instead of rationalizing our circumstances, we can strive to become better versions of ourselves. Perhaps, for a moment, we should embrace this "nobody phase"—the hard work, the anxiety, the uncertainty, and even the freedom that comes with not being in the spotlight. Trust in the process of growth. Life has a way of guiding us toward becoming somebody meaningful once again.

-endlesswandering

[endlesswandering-yet]

Shamefulness.

It's shameful that despite all that's happened, a part of me still yearns for what we had, as if time hasn't moved forward without us. It's shameful that I continue to cling to the faintest hope that someday we might meet again, even though I wouldn't know how to act. Despite saying I wished we'd never cross paths again in this life, I truly meant it when I said, "Let's meet in another life, where we can be better for each other." It's shameful that I still believe in you and me, and somehow, I hope one day we could make it—maybe in the parallel universe, where our stars align and our fates follow the same path. It's shameful that I cannot let the beautiful memories fade and replace them with bitter ones. I've tried but failed every time. Yet here I am, ashamed of my inability to move forward, caught between the desire to let go and the pull of the past, trapped in a cycle where my feelings refuse to fade.

-endlesswandering