Living Alone Was my Dream
'Oh, to live alone. On my own. Off the radar. Free from observing eyes. It'd be a beautiful life.'
That thought constantly replayed in a little girl’s head.
Growing up in a warm place and a pretty close-knit family is something I never take for granted. I witnessed countless heartwarming moments from childhood into adulthood. My early years were filled with beautiful and joyful memories, which mostly made up of the family scenes. We were always together, always celebrating. When I was young, I had no idea how big the world was, because my world only revolved around my family. Our families were close—so close that sometimes it became complicated. I didn’t quite understand what felt wrong. Like most children, I was voiceless. Powerless.
There. When the thought of leaving came, and I wanted to live alone.
I never thought I would get the chance to truly be off the hook. If you knew how my big family system functions, you would understand. I knew they were caring, that they tried to be helpful. But what I couldn’t understand was how difficult it was to distinguish between kindness and control. Every move I made had to be discussed. Every choice had to be cross-checked before I could make it. I slowly realized how exhausting it was to be constantly observed. At times, it felt suffocating.
26 years later, the moment arrived. Unplanned. Unprepared. I moved thousands of miles away from home into a place that knew nothing about me. I can be independent. I thought, "this is it—my dream comes true."
Except independence did not feel the way I imagined it would. Silence was louder than I expected. Decisions felt heavier when no one else carried them with me. When there was no one to question me, I strangely questioned myself even more. For a while, I became my own observer and control freak. And that was when I realized that independence is not something you step into overnight; it is something you slowly grow into.
The fact is, I missed home a lot, not just the people, but the version of myself that was allowed to lean, to be held, and be someone's responsibility. Yet, in between this adjustment and loneliness, I finally found myself. I found different layers beneath the wannabe perfect family-oriented daughter.
Now, I am living the dream of the little girl who once thought, “Oh, to live alone.”