consolidating, or, too many fucking profiles
I feel like my brain is going to explode from all the different social media profiles I have.
2005ish-- it started with friendster (does that even still exist?). i was one of the last to join. i didn't get what was the point-- so now i'm talking to friends i already see or talk to via email?
it might be because i didn't grow up in chatroom and its descendant cultures. the internet started in 1994 when i was a junior in high school. i distinctly remember my librarian showing me how to use it-- i was one of a few special people who got to (because i was a nerd and hung out in the library all the time). i remember her explaining to me that links were underlined and highlighted blue and that hitting links would take me to new sites. She asked, stressed really, that i keep track of all the urls i visited as i went from link to link because, as she said, you might find something good and never be able to go back if you couldn't retrace your digital footprint.
this was before google, of course. i think yahoo! was around and used as a search engine. maybe aol too. we didn't have a computer at home though (we didn't even have cable-- ok, we struggled to pay our monthly bills, whatever). i remember my best friend with whom i had weird-ish girlfriend-y relationship (of course) showing me aol chatrooms and how she met other lesbians there (i remember her handle-- isn't that what they were called?-- was some play on an ani difranco song). but it felt very strange to me, to talk to people i didn't actually know. i didn't know what to say. i wasn't all that great at being social in real life, how could i be social in what would later be known as social media?
so, yeah, was semi-dragged into friendster. i did start to see the value in some sites though as my ex-wife would often look through top surgery pics on transter. she never contacted anyone (i don't know if she ever even transitioned) but i thought it was cool she could contact these folks if she wanted to talk about their experiences. that made a lot more sense to me than chatrooms, i guess, because it was so specific.
then everyone went to myspace. i was again one of the last. i should add i was also one of the last of my friends to get a cell phone. i fought and held out til 2002. i can't think of anyone who didn't have one by then-- i don't know what i had against them, i just didn't like that people could reach me any time and felt entitled too, that i should call them back asap. ugh, i hated texting! that was even worse!
i digress. myspace overwhelmed me. there was so much going on. posts and blogs and pictures and music and i don't know what else. lots of flashing lights of every color.
at some point though, i needed to write. an unstoppable urge. a quake. i knew there were other blogging platforms out there or even just more structured journals (eg, livejournal) but never considered myself a blogger, by then that word already had a specific meaning, and was a little bit private anyhow. not too private though because i used myspace's blog feature to write. i already journalled daily by hand-- typing into this semi-public blog forced me to write more coherently. i chose topics (such as this) and told stories to go with them rather than the rambles in my journal. they were very personal though, definitely not the kind of stuff i would post publicly now. i started right after my separation from my wife-- i think i needed a little bit of openness because i needed some kind of virtual anonymous shoulder to cry on.
i stopped around the time i met my ex-boyfriend. i always journalled but i stopped writing publicly these kind of creative non-fiction pieces. i also stopped using myspace around that time as my ex and i, who were going through a nasty divorce, tricked me into thinking she was extending an olive branch by sending me a message saying she didn't mean to unfriend (or whatever we called it then) me. it was very sweet so i accepted her as a friend again-- only to read a post (actually, she posted it multiple times) about her new partner and how amazing she was. my first lesson in the power of bullying via social media.
and then there was facebook. it came about not long after i graduated. as it was first only available to students, my sister who was still in college had it but i didn't. but then it became available to everyone. i still didn't want to do it. i felt so burned over the myspace debacle. but she was getting messages from all these childhood friends of mine trying to find me so i reluctantly gave in. it was kinda cool i guess to talk to people i hadn't talked to in over 20 years. congratulate them on weddings, babies even as i was going through my bitter divorce. try to figure out how to come out to them or if i even should bother.
by the time i started performing though, in 2007, facebook seemed like a necessity. it was the only way i could get pics from friends from our shows. the best way to mass advertise. i still though the status update thing was rather annoying so i started blocking people from my newsfeed-- i wanted them as friends i guess but didn't want to know about their lives...? i know. weird.
by 2009 it was clear i needed a second profile for my second life. my first remained the profile for old friends and family and co-workers. my second became what i called my performance profile but was honestly the real me. i didn't censor myself. i didn't pretend to be someone i wasn't. i didn't force myself into others' molds. i didn't have to hear about so many goddamn weddings and babies.
i still have both, though not long after creating the 2nd, i decided to block everyone from my newsfeed. yes-- everyone. all 1,500 friends on my performer profile and 400 on my "clean" profile. i was overwhelmed by all of it. now my newsfeed only shows updates from different blogs and newspapers i "like".
this has had its downsides. probably most importantly-- i now completely miss all the news on weddings and babies. yes, the stuff i was trying to get away from. i guess i always thought someone would tell me. i believed there was still such a thing as "mass email" for those kinds of announcements. nope. i've completely missed pregnancies and births by people who were my closest friends in college but whom i speak to rarely now. it doesn't mean i don't love them any less though and want to celebrate with them. but they are in a world where the expect an announcement on facebook will reach everyone.
in the interest of full disclosure, i do use my facebook accounts-- to read the news and repost it if i think it is interesting. and that has sparked interesting and relevant conversation which i enjoy. but yeah-- no baby announcements (or worse-- cancer).
i started this tumblr a little over a year ago because i wanted a multi-functional platform where i could write but also do other stuff. oh haha- somewhere in there i also got a livejournal account but i got it literally solely to store all those blog posts from myspace! i wanted to delete the account but didn't know what to do with them until someone suggested just putting them somewhere else. i didn't want to use my livejournal account-- it was too much about connecting and community. i honestly don't care if anyone reads this-- i just want to write somewhere public because even the chance that one person will read it means i will write with somewhat more clarity.
i started a wordpress blog a few months ago because i had a very specific long-form writing project that seemed well-suited for a blog-platform. i petered out and now it is just sitting there.
so-- what are we at now? friendster, myspace, facebook x2, livejournal, tumblr, wordpress. oh! and linkedin, of course. but absolutely no twitter. though i find the evolution of twitter fascinating, i won't. i just-- won't. drawing a line, i guess. and wtf is pinterest? i don't even want to know.
so that's 8 and i am positive i am missing some. several services i use are social media-based but i turn that function off. and i refuse to ever use my facebook login as my login for anything else. so i don't count spotify, instagram, mood panda... just signed up for wunderkit but that's more project management. but it even has a section where you can see what other people's projects are!
what's the point in writing all this? i'm not doing it to complain-- it's all backstory. because i've started publishing now. and i realized-- fuck. yet another identity. multiple actually as my naughty work i publish under a different name than my other work-- and neither are published under my birth name or my nickname/stage name.
it feels like we live in a world where shaun and/or corin v. barclay (my writer names) need profiles or they don't exist. because so few people aren't on some kind of social media network. i'm thinking maybe just a very plain basic website with very little info will work but i don't know. i feel like i am getting lost in all these profiles-- and even if i protested or held out, i always did it (basically).
i'm moving my old myspace blog posts from 2007 which are stored on livejournal here, simply because i do actually use this. but for how long? and i've written so much more here-- how do i possibly move it all again?
but i will. i keep doing it so despite my whining, i'm sure i will.
