@energli - Tumblr Blog

temporary rules below the cut while i'm thinking of them! check out my gen v-based nancy wheeler too <3

NOT spoiler-free !

bruh

i am so sorry for not being around i literally want to be here so badly but everything in my life just keeps getting more progressively fucked up. my car broke down twice and my boss threatened to fire me and i realized everyone at this place is pure bred evil so i have been trying to work on my resume and send out job apps 💀 i can't TAKE THIS ANYMORE !!!!!!

#tbd.#ranting and raving and hoopla under the cut

lowkey had a crazy dream that i was in the gen v universe and teaching at a supes only elementary school only to find out two of my students were trying to kill me??? i love when my dreams align with my hyper fixations so bad

i am alive and i WILL be writing today

watching the rookie and screamed because why is emma here and why is she a cultist

notmorbid

clown in a cornfield.

dialogue prompts from clown in a cornfield by adam cesare.

can you see me?

there's no time to worry about what we can't change.

you're amazing. you know that, kiddo?

there's a way to look at anything and make it seem okay.

i've decided a change will do me good.

i'll have to get the long version of that story out of you later.

i can't believe you came back, but i'm glad you did.

please stop helping.

you think the world was built for your amusement.

i've met girls like ____ before.

you can't miss the party. you're my ride.

that's a hell of a statement.

whatever you're planning, leave me out of it.

i had to do a lot of growing up quickly.

are you asking if i'm going to have a breakdown?

i love you. you know that, right?

i'm good. i'm in a good place.

happy to be here. it's a great little town you have.

i'm not your sweetheart, motherfucker.

[name]. i hate that shitbird.

of course it's true. wouldn't have said it if it wasn't.

what's legal and what's right are two separate things.

people believe what they want to believe.

can we just have a normal day?

i will end you.

say it. we all know.

i didn't mean to do it. not all of it.

confess now and i can help you.

shooting something would make me feel better.

did you at least catch it on camera?

well, while we're making shocking admissions, i hate all of you.

never leave a friend behind. that's rule number one, two, and three.

i love this song. let's dance.

trust isn't the same thing as stupidity.

i don't usually come to this kind of stuff.

are you always performing?

boys everywhere are dumb.

it's hard to be new in a place like this, without a friend.

we used to be thick as thieves.

i bet you've never even fired a round.

if you're going to eat meat, you should know where it comes from.

line dancing is much harder than it looks.

all we have to do right now is not die.

so we wait? like sitting ducks?

you sure you know what you're doing?

you're a boy scout?

i know you want to be a hero, but you have to be reasonable.

we're safe in here.

don't make me regret this, okay?

stay awake. stay alive.

i'm sorry i was always so mean to you.

it's okay. you did good.

you did what you had to.

did i black out again?

i'm just happy you're alive.

think about what you do next very carefully.

people seem to die when you're around.

get out of here while you have the chance.

you and your friends are a blighted crop.

you're not a child. you grew up too fast.

it has to seem like their idea.

people can surprise you.

that's just the kind of sound old houses make.

did you know more americans die in the bathroom than in any other room in the house?

don't think this was easy for me.

move, you shithead.

i lit the fuse on the dynamite, and ran like hell.

cool shoes.

please get me a doctor that's not me.

history bends toward progress, no matter how hard the assholes try pushing back.

if you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself.

there's power in symbols. you can get people to rally around them, pin their hopes on them.

you should send me memes so i can write some starters after work !!

#i'm off work for the next few days you guys are gonna get sick of me

experiencing technical difficulties at work but add me on disco to plot or yap when i am once again connected to the internet !!

if i think too much about how relentlessly and persistently soft and forgiving and loving jordan is to marie every time she does something that deeply hurts them i fear i'm going to go insane.

i believe there is something to be said about their willingness to forgive ( most ) people almost instantly - a well of empathy that began showing itself in season one after they became more accepting of themself in spite of their parents.

childhood for jordan was climbing. climbing toward the ever - moving goalpost of their parents' expectations for them, climbing toward new and better heights within their powers both with and without their parents' knowledge. climbing and searching - searching for the hidden key to their approval, a way to get them to finally accept jordan for who they really were.

it was an adolescence spent chasing phantoms, chasing the way their father used to smile at them when he called them his pride and joy. his superboy. it was an adolescence spent chasing the feeling they used to get when they heard that; before the word son became synonymous with property. with regret. with a warning. being with their parents was a constant reminder : you are not the son we raised, and you will never be the daughter we wanted. and neither title felt entirely appropriate to jordan, but what did they know ? these were the same parents who'd told them they were going to be a superhero. as great as homelander, they'd bet. until their powers finally manifested. they spent the rest of their childhood trying to earn that title back. they people pleased, schmoozed, even went a year in middle school without switching once - in spite of the ( at first ) physical and ( always ) mental and emotional pain that came with the deprivation. like ignoring the ache of a phantom limb.

there is something to be said of the half - life one leads when they dedicate themselves to keeping others happy. rage becomes an intolerable thing, something that sticks to your hands and coats everything you hold close with it. jordan had become intimately familiar with both rage and regret by the time they reached high school; anger that festered until it boiled over and became something they took out on everyone, but none more so than themself. it was the furthest they'd ever felt from the person they knew they were, and the person they wanted to be. but fire only lives so long as you can fuel it, and jordan's ire - while righteous and earned - smoldered out rather quickly in favor of complacency. anger and despair were too exhausting to find a home in, and jordan had too many years left to live with their parents to keep resenting them for it. nothing about the situation was fair or right, and if the only way out was through, then the only way through was acceptance. i am who i am, but maybe i can be who they want me to be, too. just for now. repeated injury meant repeated forgiveness. every time she paused at the front door to switch back to the face her parents expected to greet them, she had to forgive them first. it was only when it came to forgiving themself for this, this constant betrayal of their identity and sense of self, that forgiveness seemed impossible. the shame that had always been an outside force became internalized, not for who they were, but for who they would not allow themself to be.

they forgave the girlfriends who only wanted them to be a boyfriend as they cried on the drive home from a date; they forgave the boyfriends who only wanted them to be a girl for the hookup as they straightened their shirt and forced a hollow - eyed smile while saying their goodbyes. it wasn't anyone else's fault they were different. it wasn't anyone else's fault they couldn't understand who jordan was. it wasn't until the middle of their first year at god u that jordan truly began to more freely express their gender identity, in an environment now surrounded by curiosities and the other people who'd grown up feeling alienated in their own fucked up ways. it helped, of course, that they were no longer constantly in their parents' presence, either.

anger and resentment are precious commodities that jordan learned pretty early on they couldn't afford, although acceptance had never felt like a real solution, either. forgiveness persisted, with jordan constantly rationalizing the way they were treated instead of allowing themselves to be hurt, to be angered, by the way people used them. instead, they began to use people in the same way.

this is where the trained apathy we see in season one's jordan comes into play. that desperation to impress, to be wholly accepted as they were, to not only survive but thrive at godolkin, and to do so while learning to honestly embrace themself for all of who they were, survived both because - and in spite - of their need to please their mom and dad. if only they could rise to the top and stay there, if only they could prove, at the expense of anything and anyone else, that they were worthy of their love and praise in any form they took, that might finally be enough. that might finally convince them. for that to happen, however, jordan needed to be ruthless. and to be ruthless, you can't care about the people you have to step on along the way.

therein lies the truth of jordan li's life thus far : the desperation of a trapped animal looking for escape in whatever means it can find. drugs, alcohol, meaningless and mind numbing hookups, good grades, better rankings, more drugs, more alcohol. pretending for their parents and pretending for god u's cameras, shutting down and shutting down and shutting down. the first time they felt more than this cycle of betray, deceive, rationalize, forgive - was marie moreau. it was marie who first forced them to evaluate the way they treated and viewed other people, the first person to touch them without flinching. it was more than jordan had ever hoped for, and far more than they thought they deserved. love and affection were bartering tools, something to be given when it was earned and never a moment before. to mess up, to forgive and to be forgiven, to be argued with and still treated kindly afterward... of course it was marie who unlocked that softness within them. the kind of softness that required the shedding of years' worth of armor. she was the first person to touch jordan's heart with gentle, curious hands - and the first to awaken their desire to allow it. walls crumbled the day they realized what they could have with marie, and for the first time in their life, forgiveness wasn't something they had to disentomb from deep within themselves - it was something that came naturally as breathing, and it was something they desperately wanted to do to get back to the warmth they felt within her presence.

that tenderness - the center between layers ( and layers ) of self - preservation built upon years of distrust, shame, exploitation and manipulation - once accessed, poured out from the space marie had carved for herself within jordan's heart. it was a relentless, annoying thing, to be forced to care for so much after training themself to care for so little - and impossible to stop. for as many things that confused or frustrated either of them about the other, there was an equal amount of understanding and sympathy. it was so jarring and foreign to them at first, to give and accept absolution for mistakes, but never hard. never difficult in the way it was before.

jordan forgives easily because, for the first time in their life, it feels like their choice to do so rather than it being a necessary evil. they do it because it feels true, and good, and freeing to do so. not just with marie, now, but with all of their friends. their fucked up chosen family. they can forgive the people they can trust, because they've never trusted anyone like this before.

#also something to be said about jordan growing out his hair as a guy in season 2 because it's the first time they've ever felt comfortable #enough to express their gender identity in more fluid ways than just 'this is boy this is girl'#THIS IS JUST WORD VOMIT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN THE LAST HOUR #i genuinely don't think this made any sense but it all felt important while i was writing it i'm SORRRYYYYY

thinking about how jordan cried themself to sleep every night in elmira and thinking about how that was not only because of the terror and nightmarish circumstances they'd been placed in but also because of the dysphoria they had to be experiencing from being unable to switch forms with the collar on.

#please don't look at me i'm going down a rabbit hole of a million thoughts

ava-deb

GEN V (2023— ) S01E05 / S02E02

#a lifetime full of people pleasing only to find the one person who accepted them entirely. and then gave their heart broken again and again #I'M CONVULSING

i have something to Say about jordan's nightmares and their ability to forgive just about anything and everything anyone's ever done to them

#i will be working on that now i'm so sorry to my inbox and drafts (my drafts r like 6 replies to bambi)

unpr0mpted

blood, blood, gallons of the stuff ! a collection of icky, bloody prompts for those who like to choose violence. actions are reversible. general warning for blood, violence, murder, death.

𝚂𝙿𝙾𝙺𝙴𝙽 :

" that's a lot of blood. "

" it isn't mine. "

" what did you do ? "

[ sigh ] " what did you do ? "

" come on. have a taste. "

" holy shit, are you okay ? "

" it looks worse than it feels. "

" you should see the other guy. "

" it's a good look on you. you should get covered in blood more often. "

" lean on me. "

" oh my god. oh my god, oh my god, what the fuck ? is that what i fucking think it is ? "

" . . . gross. "

[ standing over a body ] " oops. "

" is that a fucking body ? "

" look, i'm sorry, okay ? "

" what the hell happened ? "

" before you say anything, it wasn't me. "

" at least it wasn't me this time. "

" look at me. this is who i am, no matter how much you pretend it isn't. "

" look at me. this is who i am, no matter how much you wish it wasn't. "

" i'm not scared of you. "

" you don't scare me. "

" shut up and let me help you. "

" i got your shirt all bloody. "

" let's get you cleaned up. "

" that looks like it hurts. "

" i'm fine, just. . . give me a minute. "

" we are so fucked. "

" what the fuck is wrong with you ? "

" are you gonna help me clean it up or not ? "

" the fucker deserved it. "

" red looks good on you. "

" what the hell did you do ; tap - dance all over the body with ice - skates ? "

" what, did you run over the body with your car a couple times after ? "

" i. . . i didn't mean to. . . "

" sorry. fuck, i'm sorry. "

" this isn't what it looks like. "

" it was an accident. "

" motherfucker ran right into my knife, i swear. "

" people need to look both ways before crossing. . . bullets. "

" would you believe me if i said wrong place, wrong time ? "

" hey, look at me. i don't care. are you okay ? "

" they deserved it, right ? please tell me they deserved it. "

" you're bleeding. "

" what the fuck happened to you ? "

" you're getting blood on the carpet. "

" sit down before you fall down. "

" that looks like a you problem. "

𝚄𝙽𝚂𝙿𝙾𝙺𝙴𝙽 :

sender spits out a mouthful of blood at receiver's feet

sender spits out a mouthful of blood on receiver

receiver finds sender covered in blood

sender tries desperately to stop receiver's bleeding

sender helps receiver clean up after a kill

sender wipes blood from receiver's face with a washcloth

sender wipes blood from receiver's face with their thumb

sender licks receiver's blood off a knife

sender licks receiver's blood off their thumb

sender lights up a cigarette a foot away from someone they killed before offering one to receiver

receiver finds sender stood over a body

sender stitches up receiver's wound [ optional wound placement ]

sender digs their finger into receiver's wound [ optional wound placement ]

sender frantically checks receiver for injuries under all the blood

sender guides receiver's bloody hands under a faucet / water source and begins washing them clean

sender bites receiver hard enough to draw blood

sender tilts receiver's head back to staunch a nosebleed

sender draws a smiley face out of the blood they spilled :)

receiver finds sender cleaning up a kill in a daze

sender looks receiver in the eye as they shoot / stab / kill someone

sender ruffles receiver's hair, getting blood all over their hand

sender gets some of receiver's blood on them and makes a face

sender flicks blood at receiver to annoy them

sender stomps in a pool of blood to splash it on receiver

sender slips in their victim's blood but receiver steadies them before they can fall

sender steadies receiver when they slip in the blood sender spilled

receiver comes home to sender covered in blood and waiting for them with all the lights off

sender spits out a tooth and it hits receiver

sender tries to wipe blood off receiver but the blood on their hands just makes it worse

sender takes an injury meant for receiver

sender shows up on receiver's doorstep covered in blood

sender sits down quietly next to receiver after receiver kills someone

sender punches receiver in the mouth

receiver watches sender lick the blood off their fingers like its cheeto dust

sender helps receiver bury a body

sender hugs receiver just to get their victim's blood all over them <3

sender hugs receiver just to get their blood all over them <3

sender leans on receiver for support

sender kills someone to protect receiver

receiver finds sender in a frenzy maiming a body after they've already killed it

sender kills someone and the blood spatters on receiver

receiver finds sender desperately trying to wash the blood off of themself

sender kisses receiver to taste the blood on their busted lip

sender shoots / stabs receiver non - fatally as a warning

#what if ..... you sent me memes........ and i made starters out of them :0

nikredd

Gen V 2x08 Trojan

#i fucking hate them they're so smug about it i'm still crying at this scene #they really said 🤷🏻‍♂️ sucks to suck

energli

thinking about a sideblog multi.... thinking about harper and annabeth and poooossibly even marie?

energli

adding luke bc i forgot to list him . who want me

on one hand that finale was fucking awesome. on the other i am so mad they're gonna force me to start watching the boys again to keep up with my family. on a third, secret hand, i am very excited that it means even more screen time for them

thinking about a sideblog multi.... thinking about harper and annabeth and poooossibly even marie?

#but is there really reason to add more muses when there are like. almost no active gen v blogs. that is the question

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