perfection, aloysius has come to learn, is an ill-made phantasm. his mother searched for it within him, amidst the ruins left behind by a father who had lost himself to that very search: and so all that he is, and all that he knows, are ghosts of histories he can never now learn. he will never truly know, not really, as his mother did not and does not, what it was that rendered his father lost to the world in which he used to waste so much time; but aloysius finds himself becoming, more and more, that very same man: dead to the world’s tumult, living alone, perhaps resigned, though perhaps even happy at knowing his place, the world telling him this, yet no more.
the world telling him this, yet no less.
aloysius had invited her for the simple reason that it felt right to do so: to have her watch this horrid excuse of an exculpatory performance, fingers treading on ivory, treading on years of lessons and corrections and the unbearable weight of a mother’s expectations, treading on too many notes and yet still not enough. still not enough. he looks up, once, and sees only shadow, does not see shadow on shadow but only absence of a shadow; realises: the box is empty. realises: she isn’t here.
realises: it is all for nothing.
and yet, still, fingers tread on ivory, and the performance plays on. it plays on even after the music ends, when he takes a bow in front of people who should matter but don’t, having been left by the only person who did. it plays on even when the crowd sifts out of the opera house like water released from a dam. it plays on even as he stands before her, even when he had hoped that it would stop playing as he stands before her.
❛ a misunderstanding, ❜ he echoes, the words brittle and ashen in his mouth, leaving only bitterness. yet he swallows; his mouth moving in motions that resemble the formation of words, but he does not feel himself, is not himself: is, instead, the duke of oxford, making polite conversation. ❛ i see, miss toussaint, ❜ he says, not really seeing. ❛ do tell: what kind of misunderstanding was it? ❜ he asks. he looks at her, surveys the features of her face, tells himself: this, yet no more. ❛ nothing too concerning, i should hope? ❜