I'd rather be a comma than a full stop

How old is your soul?

[aprendizdepoeta]

“Muitos foram embora, devagarinho, uns sem fazer barulho, outros sem fazer falta. E tantos outros que achei um alívio na alma, na consciência. E tantos outros continuam indo. Eu não. Nem ela. Ela ficou na mesmo lugar, ainda na agenda do meu telefone, ainda nas minhas redes sociais, ainda na minha vida. Mas, isso não quer dizer que ela não quis ir, porque muitas vezes até eu quis embora de mim mesmo, mas, se eu quisesse voltar? Porque, por ela eu voltaria, mas ela não iria estar mais lá. E, acho que esse é o medo dela também e eu torço que seja, porque eu não me importo que o resto vá, contando que ela fique e que a festa que ela causa dentro de mim não pare.”

— Back at her, stupid. 

[ensandecer-me]

I've never felt so reckless as in the moment that I rode a carrousel drunk on mullet wine. I could see it just fine, the trees, the horses and that music that usually plays in horror movies. And I had this feeling of finally knowing what living my age was. Since I was 7 I had this sense of responsability, too much burden on such tiny shoulders. Carried myself like I was carrying the world, and it never felt so heavy. I remember how the cream colored ponies went up and down, how I laughed so loud. I could see the London eye from afar while the breeze of winter nights licked my neck. I could see all my childhood in those five minutes as the music kept playing and round and round I went. If I close my eyes too tight I can play it again, I'm able to see those nights when my mom used to watch vintage movies with me, sing me a lullaby and right the wrongs. I felt safe. And then I smiled: I was seven again.

London, England. December, 2019.

[ensandecer-me]

I was at a church, and I remember the sun peeking through the leaves of this amazing orange trees that filled up all of their garden. Vibrant, perfectly round oranges that reminded me of Eve's apple and how she sinned. The ultimate carnal deviation: to want something that is not meant for you. You see, I think I figured out some of God's plan. You could want everything in this life, but if it's meant to do you harm than it's not going to be yours. You could chase it, scream about it and curse for days. You can spill your guts crying at night, and still it's not going to happen. Because it's not meant for you. So many things are hidden from us, to save us from the dispair of destroying ourselves. As I stared at that orange tree, I could see myself doing just that. Paying eternity for simply wanting what's right in front of me. But the thing about stubborn woman is: I could just suffer from not having it but I'd rather suffer twice and undo myself knowing that I won.

Seville, Spain. January, 2019.

[ensandecer-me]

And I have this feeling of what love should be. Love should be kind, even when you’re crying in the bathroom for no reason at all. Love should be gentle, because life’s too hard. Love should know no boundaries, no lands, no time. Love should follow you wherever you go, just as you would’ve. Love will leave post-it notes saying you’re amazing just so you can remember. Love will hold you when no one else will. Love sometimes can’t be patient, but he’ll come back and say he’s sorry. Love will always come back. Love will have baggage, and love will have dark corners - but he’ll share them with you. Love will take the loneliness away, even when he’s not at your side. Love would go through hell, as long as it gets to you. But more important than all, Love will love you. Unconditionally. Wholly. With no room for doubts, and no space to dare. Love will hold your hand, and love will love you.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

I met a guy once, let’s call him Mr. Maybe. Typical popular man, confident in every step, broken hearts in each sleeve. I remember his laugh being loud, his smile was carefree; and all I could hear was my heart saying “run”. I stood there, between a sea of people and a guy that had the chance to ruin my life. I took a step forward, almost in daze - still all my heart said was “run,run,run.” Every conversation, every stolen glance across the room still burns through my mind. He played me like chess, and I went willingly; a Queen sacrificing for a king. When the game was over and I was laying there, a piece sacrificed but a piece all the same, I could still hear quietly that voice that sounded almost out of breath - “run”.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

I'm standing there, completely in white. And that's the first time in my life that I feel brave. I would jump at any height if he asked me to, I would go through all my pains just to see his face again; just one more time. I smile softly when I look at him standing there, with such love in his eyes. And I say: "I'll love you until I can love you no more. And then I'll love you still. Because every atom in my body loves yours, and my heartbeat follow your heartbeat. So that's how I know this is meant to be - we have 7 billion people in the world and I live and breath in the same time and space as you do. And you are kind, you are gentle. You love me tender, and you do love me true. Your love knows no boundaries, it is infinite. And I know, even if someday I didn't know my own name, I think I would still know yours. And I would search for you in every lifetime - until we finally stayed." I finish saying my vows, and I didn't even realised that I'm crying. It sets my soul in peace, to think that I've traveled through dispair, through miles, and tears, and blood, just to reach here. One last step, and I'm home.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth  

[ensandecer-me]

It looks like I'm in my own confessional bubble. Just my head resting in his arms, and the sun peeking from the window. I look at him and I say: I can actually feel it. The chain rubbing at my wrists, keeping me in check. I can sense the metal against my skin and the taste of blood in my mouth; I can see the walls getting closer and I can hear the sound of the door locking. Sometimes I hear it more than anything when I lay in my bed at night: the sounds of his footsteps leaving me there. And then i'm all alone, once again. It was the worst punishment, to be alone with myself. Never knowing what is real and what's not; never knowing if I'll see the stars again and if I'll feel the sun in my face. It's the ghost of this feeling that keeps me awake almost every night, and the thing is: that's not what sets me on a spiral.  He whispers: Is it not?  I tremble to answer, my darkest feeling is in this room, dancing with the light pouring in. Like it's taunting it, defying it to make it better. "It's not. The worst part is that I know I came to this life to be happy, and I know happiness is waiting for me right in the corner, but it doesn't matter how much I push and pull and scratch myself out of this imaginary handcufs... I can't seem to grasp it."

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

I sit on the edge of the bed as I pull the sheets up to his chin, cocooning him. That's what I am now - a mother bird. But how do you teach someone else to fly when you never did it yourself? I see those beautiful blue eyes staring at me like I have all the answers in the world, my beautiful innocent boy. His blond hair is all over the place, and I place my hand on his head, stroking it. I lay beside him- like so many times in my life I wished my parents could do the same for me, and I start singing. I sang this one lullaby when he was born and I never stopped since. He falls asleep easily but I still keep humming it. I can feel my husband at the door now, staring at us. And I see that it's all fading away, I see them falling apart piece by piece, I try to grasp as much as I can but I just can't seem to hold on any longer. I take one last look at my sweet boy, and then I wake up.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

I laugh at someone's joke that I didn't even paid attention. And that when it gets to me - I'm not here. I keep a smile on my face, one that I trained after years of embarissing social calls where I'm just not fit to be in to. Don't get me wrong, I love every and each one of the people in this table. But the more I watch them go with their laughs and their careless humor, the more I feel like an outsider. It's like being indecent, an voyeur watching people be. Each word they say break a piece of myself; because here I am, surrounded with amazing people and all I feel it's emptiness. Like a used toy in a sales yard. And that's the thing, you know no one wants you but you're still out there - totally exposed.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

"That's the thing" she said to me. "I could be sitting in a bar with my best friend and I still have this feeling that she wished I was someone else. And it's not just with her - it's with everyone. It feels like I'm good enough for now, but that's it. I'm good to fill a void when no one else is around. I'm not wanted, I'm wanted when it's convinient." That broke my heart, I could feel it literally cracking. Because I'd take her company any hour of the day, shattered pieces and all.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

“- Dont you think, Ella? That life’s too short to be chasing fireflies? ”- But what should I do then? Stay in the same place for years? Never leaving, never dreaming. What’s the point? I don’t have roots, I’m no tree. I have this one life and it’s odd, and it’s crazy and chaotic, but most of all: it is short. And it may seem wild to you chasing things that could be true or not… but that’s just the motivation, to keep on moving. To reach for something that we know that we can’t catch. It’s not about the destination, or how you’ll get there. It’s the wander. To walk on life like you’re on a rope in a circus show; you don’t know if you’ll fall. And if you do, you never know where you’ll land.“”

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

I dreamed of having someone holding me tight while my world fell apart. That kind of hug that put things back in place, that frozes time and you can actually swear on your life that the earth spins slower. When you can see the particles in the air of your room against the light, and sunshine comes to greet you on your skin, and light feather kisses happens to find your cheek. That moment when your sheets are tangled with your legs, and you are tangled with someone else. But it’s not just someone, oh no. It’s the one. The person that makes the wedding vows finally seems like they hold true, that it is indeed for better and for worse. Not the kind that makes you believe in magic, but more. The kind that makes you see that partnership is real, that love is real, and it’s not out there. It’s in your bedroom in a sunday morning, with a ruffled hair and a lazy smile.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

“No doctors” I say. He looks ready to argue, but then stops. “No doctors, please.” I know that I look desperate, my eyes are stinging and my head throbs but still I keep my plea. “Promise me, no doctors, no hospital. Honey, promise me.” That’s when I know I hit a soft spot, I see the pain in his eyes, pain for me and my situation. Pain because he loves me, and he would do everything in his power to save me. But you can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be saved. And in my case, someone that can not be saved. “No doctors, Wild. I swear.” He nods while he assures me, his voice is gruffy. “Just us”. I end up with my head in his lap, my hair being touched with soft hands. I can feel him vibrating, and I realize he’s singing. I fell asleep with a lullaby that haunts my dreams, one about happy places and warm waters, where you can hear the birds humming and sun hits your face and you are content. Truly and ultimately happy. It’s a pitty that when I wake up the dream was just that, a dream.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

I was sitting in a bar, again. You see, I don’t have a problem with drinking, never did and probably never will. But when life gives you lemons weeks on a row, the chances are you’ll find me in a bar making tequila shots. It’s not a shock that the bartender was my best friend in this town, I was spending more time talking to him than sleeping. “Again, sweetheart? The usual? Or something less bitchy and more ladylike?” I smile, enjoying myself. I have really low expectations in what i want to achieve in life. But when someone asks me that, like you’re a regular and old companion, it makes me think that I did something right. I know, I know, drinking it’s not something to be proud of, but it wasn’t hurting anyone but myself and it was giving me friends so… What the hell. “Oh, you already know me so well. No pinky drinks for me, if the devil didn’t kick me already from hell, he would’ve done it now.” He laughs, a boyish laugh. Hot. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am friends with him but i’m not dead. Noah has that laugh that makes you want to join him. It makes me wonder why he’s always alone, but then I reject that thought. Just because I don’t see him with girls doesn’t mean he doesn’t do it quietly. Or maybe he plays in other league, who knows. I particularly don’t care… I don’t make a lot of rules in my life, but one I never break is: ‘a friendship is worth more than a few shots and a lot of orgasms’. Until now, it remains true. “What’s up for today anyway? You look a lot like you’re tired.” He startles my internal rambling. “Oh, the usual. Scaring children, stealing candy.” I give a devilish smile that I kept years perfecting. “I didn’t peg you to be that type. But you sure do look Wild to me.” My head spins, that’s a voice I don’t recognize. Pure male, raspy, with a hint of humor. Sweet baby jesus, I like it. And even if I didn’t like the voice, I definitly like the face. And the body. He looks 30ish to me but that’s okay, I always had a thing for older guys anyway, they seem to me like they have all the answers that boys still have to search. I must be shocked because they both laugh at me staring. I blink twice before I regain my posture, and answer: “That’s the point, if I look like what I truly am, then life would be boring. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?” He now gives me a complete smile and I’m mesmerized. He takes his drink, that I didn’t even noticed he asked for, and replies: “Touché” before leaving.

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

[ensandecer-me]

We were sitting, drinks in hand. I meticulously drink my whisky, when he asks me: “- What are you afraid of anyway?” “- You want the ugly truth or the generic answer?” He stops and looks at me; with a small smile says: “- With you? Ugly truth, only.” “- Loving.” I answer quickly, without even noticing that I did that. He seems shocked to me. “I’m afraid of what comes with love, actually. The trust, the intimacy, but mostly of all, the surrender. Being submissive to a feeling, to a person. Knowing that with one word, one action, he can make me the happiest woman alive. Or ruin what has left of me.” “- Isn’t that an irony though? That you’re looking to be wild and free, and still doesn’t want to be out of control.” “- That’s because being wild and free it’s something entirely up to me. Being in love takes two.” He sights. “- What will it take then? For you to love. What are you waiting? An intervention? A miracle?” I laugh humorously. “- You think that if I knew, I would be here?” I drink what’s left in my glass in one shot. “But don’t worry, i’ll tell you when I find it.”

[ensandecer-me]

things I wanted to tell them but instead I shut my mouth

I met a boy that made me feel things I didn't wanna feel

I met a boy that was funny, and gentleman and real

I met a boy once, that made me laugh

Like deep belly laugh

I met this boy that was charming but no prince

I met this boy with boyish smile, tender words, and even more tender kisses

I met him while i was not expecting

I met him between lights and people

I met this boy that keeped his hands on my waist like there's no other place they'd rather be

This boy's eyes seemed like there's no place they rather be other then my smile

The boy I met had this sailor's mouth

He could kiss for days, like he already kissed me for days  

This boy was like a deja vu, he was like a first

The boy I met made me feel things I didn't know I could still feel  

This boy I met made me think maybe I was wrong all along

Maybe people were good

Maybe people were different

Maybe they were more than bodies, buzz, and high

Maybe people care

The boy I met, I remember having him in my mind for days

I remembered him for days

This boy I met gave me hope

The thing is

The boy was lying.

[ensandecer-me]

Eu me desfaço

De novo

De n o v o

D e n o v o  

Até não haver nada mais para dar

Até eu olhar no espelho e não reconhecer a mim mesma

Porque todos os pedaços que um dia já me fizeram

Foram dados para completar os outros