I haven’t truly posted on this tumblr in years and at this point I think everyone who used to know about this account has unfollowed it or deactivated theirs. So I can speak freely.
Tonight is another night at a bachelor party in Las Vegas. It is exactly what the quintessential bachelor party consists of. Drugs, drinking, gambling, and strippers. The other guys (of whom I only really know my brother, brother in law, and my brother’s oldest friend) are all sharing stories of their past debaucheries.
Right now I’m obviously not with them. They’re at the strip club. I, like last night, slipped out as quietly as possible. Because strip clubs make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.
I don’t know if it’s social anxiety or if I’m just a loser, but I don’t do well in unstructured environments with people. I can make friends extremely easily in class, in clubs, and at work. When there’s a primary objective everyone is participating in, I can contribute to that, and communicate what I’m doing there while also making friends. All of my friends have been made in classrooms or in school clubs. The two exceptions were on my dorm floor and were my roommates who were forced to spend time with me.
I don’t know what that says about me. But I know that when I’m in situations like these, such as parties or at bars, I get depressed. I can tell I don’t belong. That feeling- like I’m the only one in the room that can’t figure it out- forms a pit in my throat. It makes me want to escape. But I don’t want to be alone. I would like to be with someone else. Normally, I have someone I love who I can’t talk to. But it’s approaching 3 AM at home and she’s tired from watching our child, so I won’t wake her. (That’s why I’m posting this; to vent.)
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s been so long since I felt this way that I thought I’ve been fixed. I’m not, though.
I don’t know if it is fixable.
