𝐈 𝐀𝐌 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐄𝐍𝐃.

𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐈𝐓 𝐁𝐔𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐆𝐔𝐈𝐃𝐄.

[equitie]

#EQUITIE : an independent & selective roleplay account for zero of final fantasy xiv, as tended to by lia. exploration of ; ( loss of ) identity, girlhood versus monsterhood, what comes after becoming a hero, & a burning, aching, unceasing hunger. contains major story spoilers, discretion is advised. low activity and no minors. carrd here.

[equitie]

BODY LANGUAGE CHEAT SHEET.

DEFENSIVENESS:   arms crossed / crossing legs / clenched fists / pointing index finger / stiff shoulders / tense posture / curling of lip / baring of teeth / tail lashing / pinned ears.

REFLECTIVE:   hand to face gestures / head tilted / stroking chin / peering over glasses / taking glasses off — cleaning / putting earpiece of glasses in mouth / pipe smoker gestures / putting hand to the bridge of nose / pursed lips / knitted brows / arms crossed / hat tipping.

SUSPICION:   arms crossed / sideways glance / touching or rubbing nose / rubbing eyes / hands resting on weapon / brows rising or knitting together / lips pressing into a thin line / strict unwavering eye contact / wrinkling of nose / eyes narrowing.

OPENNESS & COOPERATION:  open hands / upper body in sprinters position / sitting on the edge of a chair / hand-to-face gestures / unbuttoned coat / tilted head / slacked shoulders / relaxed posture / feet pointed outward / palms flat and facing outward.

CONFIDENCE:   hands behind back / hands on lapels of coat / steeped hands / smirking / baring teeth in a grin / rolling shoulders / tipping head back but maintaining eye contact / chest puffed up / shoulders back / arms folded just above navel.

INSECURITY & ANXIETY:   chewing pen or pencil / rubbing thumb over opposite thumb / biting fingernails / hands in pockets / elbow bent / closed gestures / clearing throat / “ whew ” sound / picking or pinching flesh / fidgeting in chair / hand covering mouth whilst speaking / poor eye contact / tugging pants or clothes/ jingling money in pockets / tugging at ear / perspiring hands / playing with hair / swaying / playing with a writing implement / smacking lips / sighing / rocking on balls of feet / flexing / tapping fingers sporadically / chewing on lip / pacing / tail twitching.

ANGER & FRUSTRATION:   short breaths / “tsk” sounds / tightly-clenched hands / fist-like gestures / pointing index finger / rubbing hand through hair / rubbing back of neck / snarling / revealing teeth / grimacing / sharp-eyed glowers / notable tension in brow / shoulders back, head up; defensive posturing / clenching of jaw / grinding teeth / nostrils flaring / heavy exhales / swearing / tail lashing  / pinned ears.

tagged by: @reapcrbunny tagging: anybody who wants to do this <3

[equitie]

on: zero is not a mary sue.

"the same mistakes, the same ends. again and again. what should i... what could i have done?"

although zero appears more human than their voidsent counterparts, their body is still subjected to the thirteenth's laws. through the snippet of her past that we were shown, death is no stranger to them. in a haunting & poignant callback to the endsinger, we learn that she tried repeatedly to be a hero in her past, tried to do the right thing & fight the good fight. but the memoriates of darkness won, and theirworld was consumed in the flood of darkness.

she is the way she is when we meet her as a result of surviving for hundreds of years of having that fire inside of her blown out. it's the reason why any kindness that zero experiences is met with confusion, distrust, or a fundamental inability to understand why others would even try. it's a great mirror to the final antagonist of endwalker, just as golbez appears to mirror the meteia's collective despair and will to bring ruin to all as a means of granting a twisted version of 'freedom from suffering.'

and if estinien can experience character development from his royal edginess of the arr dragoon quests, ( halone bless his heart ) then i think zero can also be as aloof and socially awkward as she wants.

[equitie]

a few things; zero's carrd has been updated a little. go look at it if you'd like ( it's pretty sexy if i do say so myself ) and my character playlist is also shaping up nicely too. i think i'll work on a headcanon tonight as a treat, not sure if i can complete it but we'll see!

[derangedrhythms]

I realize how insidiously you have affected me. I had scarcely felt it, yet suddenly I realize the extent of your influence. You make everything click.

Henry Miller, quoted in ‘Henry and June: From The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin’

[copper-wasp]

Another debt to be repaid....

[equitie]

@unmeiha: ❛ you have never done this before ,  have you ? ❜ — morbid curiosity.

used to being the quiet observer, the voidsent's first instinct was to slip away upon feeling that they were intruding upon a private moment. but instead, zero received an invitation to join koharu... " no, i haven't. " she had never danced for the sake of it; the only thing akin to the artform is the fluid motions in which her body twists & allows her scythe to swing through the air. " so don't let me hold you back. "

and it's a little awkward at first; they felt far too stiff — limbs akin to yawning branches next to the graceful au ra. they bump into each other more than once, of course; and it's brushed off with a smile, or pleasant laughter like wind chimes. a smile tugs at their cheeks, too.

they could get used to this, they think.

[equitie]

" ...hm. "

[derangedrhythms]

I taste the good and bad in you and want them both.

Anita Ofokansi, from ‘Literary Sexts’

[equitie]

CHARACTER/BLOG ASSOCIATION

ANIMAL: wolves, crows.

COLOR(S): cyan, black.

MONTH: december.

SONGS: soldier, hometown, human, bad dream, heroes fall.

NUMBER: ...0, 13.

DAY OR NIGHT: dawn or twilight.

PLANTS: poppy, spider lily & lilies in general - death, mourning, peace, rebirth.

SMELL: worn leather, petrichor.

GEMSTONE: obsidian, quartz.

SEASON: winter.

PLACE: the thirteenth.

FOOD: apples, but also hot & spicy meals.

ELEMENT: ice. stoic & stalwart, yet able to melt and become water; adaptable.

DRINK: either black coffee, or sugary drinks - again, something with strong flavours.

TAGGED BY: stole it from the dash TAGGING: @unmeiha @abystal @starcall @lightblume @pietys @physicks & @saintmerva; feel free to yoink!!

[equitie]

on: aether intake & food.

prior to coming to the source, zero had pretty poor eating habits - gong weeks wihout intaking aether. given that she is more of a human than other voidsent, zero doesn't necessarily require aether as much as she otherwise would if she were fully turned by the flood of darkness. not consuming aether does leave them weaker, and would of course eventually be enough to result in starvation.

given the nature of the thirteenth, her aether would coalesce together to reform her and deny permanent rest. however, due to the danger of being devoured prior to being 'resurrected,' there is little to gain from allowing oneself to starve for overly long periods of time.

while staying in the aether rich home of the warrior of light and their compatriots, zero does not need to feed nearly as frequently as they otherwise need to. the ambient aether of etheirys is enough to allow extended periods without directly eating anything. hoever, after spending some time in radz-at-han & later in garlemald, she has grown to tolerate, and later grows to enjoy being offered food & sharing it with others.

[equitie]

“They call you the Warrior of Light, yes? I can’t imagine myself as anything so grand or heroic. To take on such a title must come with a hefty cost… and no promise of repayment.” For a moment, Zero thought her comment had offended the mortal. But the Warrior merely shifts her balance, steps continuing unabated. It took a few more moments before Astrelle would respond to them. “There have been plenty of moments when merely having hope has not been enough. Dire foes only continued their assault, and innocent lives were lost with little regard to any sort of fervent faith. I cannot pretend that this path is one which I’ve always remained loyal to.” The words are a little quiet in the midst of the closing hubbub in Radz-at-Han, but they picked it up easily enough.  As twisted as it may sound to others - were they to ever admit it - Zero found the mortal’s discomfort curious. Melancholy, frustration, anger… Negative feelings are more familiar than others in the monochromatic haze of their home world. To hear the usually-chipper tones of their companion approach those particular emotions is comforting, in a way.

posting for my own reference, an experimentation on zero's voice & internal world before i decided to write them on here... zero's voice is easier than my own oc. help.

[equitie]

i WILL make out with you, riley from ffxiv endwalker patch 6.3

not you too.

[equitie]

gonna see if i can put together a list of headcanons i wish to touch upon, either indirectly with threads or with hc posts :) tbh character hcs are my absolute favorite thing about rping so if i get the energy then please look forward to essays on your tl from yours truly. this may stay as a rambly post or eventually turn into a directory of sorts, lets see how long my brainworms for zero stay around.

zero's thoughts on zenos, and on the warrior of light in relation to zenos.

being part voidsent & having experienced death and rebirth many times, how they feel about that and the struggles along the way with regards to the apparent difficulty of retaining one's form.

relationship with food and hunger.

being able to sense the presence of others via aether, like an infrared camera.

coughs. how they'd be in bed, i guess.

[equitie]

@reapcrbunny: < care to join me for a bit ? > she's offering food. a snack uwu — morbid curiosity.

they hesitated for a moment before taking a seat next to dahlia. " you do not need to provide sustenance while i'm here, the ambient aether of your world is quite sufficient. " zero murmured. the partaking of food in a shared space is a human custom, as she's witnessed around radz-at-han ( or slowly remembered from an age long past — could be either, really ).

" ...but i won't refuse your offer. " they'll keep her company. the sunlight is quite pleasant here, after all.

[equitie]

@abystal: we can help each other ,  right ? — morbid curiosity.

in front of the strange troupe of mortals, he showed little indication of his silent relief. but to walk with one's own two legs, feeling every breath enter & exit familiar lungs — its not a sensation they would easily understand. and it is only when it splits away, silent as a shadow, when zero began to examine. arms, hands, fingers, legs... methodically feeling and flexing his limbs. but zero soon sensed an approaching presence, and so pauses.

steel grey meets dancing magenta, calculations & cautions are exchanged in a blink of an eye. zero is first to glance away, shirking the sensation of being observed by human eyes. ( the only varieties of gaze it grew accustomed to are ones of hunger or reverence, of dominance or submission in this animalistic social hierarchy. but mortals are... complicated. )

" that is the contract we have agreed upon already, is it not? if you seek further aid from me than what has already been exchanged, you ought to have aether you may spare. "

in a way, they had already aided zero, however indirectly. that crystal in shivali's possession which emitted gentle yet radiant light, rearranging and reshaping his aether into a form once thought long lost after being returned to the void from the source. but they had not formed their arrangement yet, and so zero does not count the accidental gift. favors do not come freely, and if it frames this as one, then surely the others shall follow suit.

[metamorphesque]

― Ilya Kaminsky, Deaf Republic