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[fishingscam]

that quote like “god gave us transness for the same reason he made grapes but not wine; yeast but no loaves — so we may partake in the divine act of creation”

[genderkoolaid]

- Julian K. Jarboe, quoted in Something That May Shock and Discredit You by Daniel M. Lavery

[shrugsinchinese]

The Seven, Masquerade Edition! This dimension 20 season is my favorite so far, the energy is freaking immaculate

[terribledndadvice]

Bards “weave magic through words and music” according to the PHB. So clearly, every spell you cast should be linked to a song that fits.

-Play “Wonderwall” every time you cast invisible barrier

-Sing “Free falling” every time you cast feather fall

-Sing “I’ll make a man out of you” when casting polymorph

-Perform “Friend like me” whenever you charm someone

[terribledndadvice]

1. Introduce the DM to your new character

2. Explain that they grew up on a small island. Their mother was a prostitute who died when they were young; their father abandoned the family.

3. They studied on their own to become a Bard in the College of Eloquence, using public speaking and skilled writing to raise money for themselves to study at a formal bard college

4. Have other players ready to start singing “Alexander Hamilton” as you reveal your backstory. Sprinkle in other songs appropriately.

[terribledndadvice]

Are your players tired of the same boring “you meet in a tavern” beginning? Then spice it up!

Step 1: Have the rogue character be hired to get close to the warlock, and assassinate them when ordered to.

Step 2: Have the warlock’s patron (Fiend) threaten to devour their soul unless they bring the cleric to an ancient temple to be sacrificed.

Step 3: Have the cleric  be commanded by their religious superiors to hunt down the rogue paladin with orders to try and redeem them, and kill them if that’s not possible.

Step 4: Have the paladin take an oath of vengeance to hunt down the killer of their spouse (which they don’t know is the rogue)

Step 5: Enjoy the chaos

[terribledndadvice]

Step 1: Create a multiclassed monk/fighter/rogue

Step 2: Have your parents be dead, because of course they are.

Step 3: Choose the “chaotic good” alignment, and explain to your DM that your character follows a strict personal code, which often takes them outside the law

Step 4: Wear leather armor dyed black, and get a cape of billowing.

Step 5: Introduce yourself as “Sir Bruce of House Wayne”

(Bonus points if you speak in a super gravelly voice the entire time)

[terribledndadvice]

DM tip: every time your players get a drink at a tavern, or eat a meal with NPCs, ask them to make a constitution saving throw. Just say “huh” every time, and scribble something down on a piece of paper. If a player fully fails it, look very serious, take them into another room, and ask them to play along with you. Keep this going for as long as you can, until the cleric is casting “purify food and drink” over literally everything they find.

[terribledndadvice]

You should always check for traps whenever going into a dangerous dungeon, so bring along a 10 foot Pole. By that, of course I mean Aleksy Nowak, the Goliath barbarian from Warsaw. 

[terribledndadvice]

Do you feel like a simple chart is far too simplistic for your alignment? Do you want to annoy your party members? Drive your DM insane? Then you should try the Wheel O’ Morality™! Every time your character needs to make a certain decision, just spin the wheel to pick whether you choose to help save the orphans, join the orcs in their human buffet, or just leave. 

[terribledndadvice]

Homebrew device: Tiamat grenade. You pull the pin, count to three (four thou shalt not count, nor two, five is right out), and throw it. When it explodes, Tiamat appears through a wormhole.

I will take no criticism of this. 

[equivalentinflation]

Ok, I know I’m a few weeks late, but: can we talk about how cute the Mulan style ambush scene was?

Matt described the canyon, and Marisha’s first reaction was “We should get to the top of this and ambush them with an avalanche, just like Mulan”. At which point they figured out Matt had the exact same plan, and had placed the Tombtakers there.

The fact that both of their minds immediately went to that place, completely unconnected just makes me super happy.

[terribledndadvice]

If you ever see a large number of statues lying around in a dungeon, or misty swamp, that’s great news, especially if they’re dressed like adventurers. Clearly, whoever carved them has a great deal of respect for adventurers, and created these statues to memorialize a number of them. Try to remember to make eye contact with them if possible, to make a good first impression

[equivalentinflation]

Just pointing out:

The ONLY people who have had red eyes on them are those who have read the creepy magic book. Essek hasn’t had contact with the Tombtakers , so there’s no reason to worry about that.

Caduceus knows that. Jester knows that.

The ONLY reason they had to do that was to try and give Caleb shirtless Essek, and potentially make Caleb go shirtless to show Essek his eyes.

[equivalentinflation]

OK, kind of ranting here, but: WHY are Genasi so underrated?

They’ve all got a +2 constitution bonus right off the bat, plus bonuses to wisdom, dexterity, intelligence, OR strength. Then, add on your choice of darkvision, damage resistance, swim speed, extra spells, and a whole bunch of other stuff. That’s more than enough for anyone who makes a decision just based off of stats.

As for players who prefer a more creative route, Genasi are perfect for that too. You’ve got all the “hated outsider” potential of a Tiefling, with none of the edgelord association. Or, you could have your Genasi hail from an area where they’re revered as a symbol of luck, which would make an interesting character in a new land where no one cared about them. Or, you could just make your Genasi fully original. 5e gives you just enough of a guide to build the framework of a character, but have enough freedom to make them unique.

Not to mention, GENASI LOOK FRIGGIN AWESOME. Seriously, why go with some stupid Legolas ripoff, when you could have red skin, and hair that turns into dancing flames when you get stressed? Maybe your skin is made of metal, or constantly has a sheen of seawater, or has cloud patterns that move across it.

Despite ALL THAT, Genasi barely get mentioned, and when they do, it’s with people sneering down on them, and making inane criticisms, while those same people make ANOTHER tiefling horndog bard.

*Deep breath* OK, rant over, thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

[terribledndadvice]

If you see a door surrounded by traps, with a complicated lock, ignore it. Everyone knows that if a person (or goblin) chooses to fortify a door, whatever is behind it is absolutely worthless. Think about it: Would you leave your wallet, car keys, and driver’s license inside a magic box that required disarming 37 poison spikes every time you wanted to get them? Of course not! 

[terribledndadvice]

DM tip: Money varies greatly across human cultures, so imagine how much it could vary across fantasy cultures.

Have your PCs be hired to complete a task, in exchange for “a great reward”. A few sessions and a pile of demon corpses later, have the goblin thank them profusely, and hand them a sack of rocks.

Alternatively, if you’re a “nice” DM who “wants their players to have a good time”, have a NPC offer them some pocket change in exchange for killing those two rats in their basement, then reward them with “a couple cool rocks”… which turn out to be rubies. 

[terribledndadvice]

DM tip: Have your party be hired by a town to wipe out the dangerous dragon invading their territory. Then, once the party arrives at the dragon’s lair, have the dragon hire them to wipe out the dangerous human infestation invading its territory.