Terrible DND Advice

Everything on this blog is a work of fiction. Any similarity to characters living or dead is likely due to mimics or necromancy. Either way, good luck with that.

[terribledndadvice]

Bards “weave magic through words and music” according to the PHB. So clearly, every spell you cast should be linked to a song that fits.

-Play “Wonderwall” every time you cast invisible barrier

-Sing “Free falling” every time you cast feather fall

-Sing “I’ll make a man out of you” when casting polymorph

-Perform “Friend like me” whenever you charm someone

[terribledndadvice]

1. Introduce the DM to your new character

2. Explain that they grew up on a small island. Their mother was a prostitute who died when they were young; their father abandoned the family.

3. They studied on their own to become a Bard in the College of Eloquence, using public speaking and skilled writing to raise money for themselves to study at a formal bard college

4. Have other players ready to start singing “Alexander Hamilton” as you reveal your backstory. Sprinkle in other songs appropriately.

[terribledndadvice]

Are your players tired of the same boring “you meet in a tavern” beginning? Then spice it up!

Step 1: Have the rogue character be hired to get close to the warlock, and assassinate them when ordered to.

Step 2: Have the warlock’s patron (Fiend) threaten to devour their soul unless they bring the cleric to an ancient temple to be sacrificed.

Step 3: Have the cleric  be commanded by their religious superiors to hunt down the rogue paladin with orders to try and redeem them, and kill them if that’s not possible.

Step 4: Have the paladin take an oath of vengeance to hunt down the killer of their spouse (which they don’t know is the rogue)

Step 5: Enjoy the chaos

[terribledndadvice]

Step 1: Create a multiclassed monk/fighter/rogue

Step 2: Have your parents be dead, because of course they are.

Step 3: Choose the “chaotic good” alignment, and explain to your DM that your character follows a strict personal code, which often takes them outside the law

Step 4: Wear leather armor dyed black, and get a cape of billowing.

Step 5: Introduce yourself as “Sir Bruce of House Wayne”

(Bonus points if you speak in a super gravelly voice the entire time)

[terribledndadvice]

DM tip: every time your players get a drink at a tavern, or eat a meal with NPCs, ask them to make a constitution saving throw. Just say “huh” every time, and scribble something down on a piece of paper. If a player fully fails it, look very serious, take them into another room, and ask them to play along with you. Keep this going for as long as you can, until the cleric is casting “purify food and drink” over literally everything they find.

[terribledndadvice]

You should always check for traps whenever going into a dangerous dungeon, so bring along a 10 foot Pole. By that, of course I mean Aleksy Nowak, the Goliath barbarian from Warsaw. 

[terribledndadvice]

Do you feel like a simple chart is far too simplistic for your alignment? Do you want to annoy your party members? Drive your DM insane? Then you should try the Wheel O’ Morality™! Every time your character needs to make a certain decision, just spin the wheel to pick whether you choose to help save the orphans, join the orcs in their human buffet, or just leave. 

[terribledndadvice]

Homebrew device: Tiamat grenade. You pull the pin, count to three (four thou shalt not count, nor two, five is right out), and throw it. When it explodes, Tiamat appears through a wormhole.

I will take no criticism of this. 

[terribledndadvice]

If you ever see a large number of statues lying around in a dungeon, or misty swamp, that’s great news, especially if they’re dressed like adventurers. Clearly, whoever carved them has a great deal of respect for adventurers, and created these statues to memorialize a number of them. Try to remember to make eye contact with them if possible, to make a good first impression

[terribledndadvice]

If you see a door surrounded by traps, with a complicated lock, ignore it. Everyone knows that if a person (or goblin) chooses to fortify a door, whatever is behind it is absolutely worthless. Think about it: Would you leave your wallet, car keys, and driver’s license inside a magic box that required disarming 37 poison spikes every time you wanted to get them? Of course not! 

[terribledndadvice]

DM tip: Money varies greatly across human cultures, so imagine how much it could vary across fantasy cultures.

Have your PCs be hired to complete a task, in exchange for “a great reward”. A few sessions and a pile of demon corpses later, have the goblin thank them profusely, and hand them a sack of rocks.

Alternatively, if you’re a “nice” DM who “wants their players to have a good time”, have a NPC offer them some pocket change in exchange for killing those two rats in their basement, then reward them with “a couple cool rocks”... which turn out to be rubies. 

[terribledndadvice]

DM tip: Have your party be hired by a town to wipe out the dangerous dragon invading their territory. Then, once the party arrives at the dragon’s lair, have the dragon hire them to wipe out the dangerous human infestation invading its territory. 

[terribledndadvice]

Always split the party. Always. Some people will tell you that this is “a bad idea” and that “you are so going to die”. Don’t listen to them, for they be weak ass bitches. Has the Scooby Doo TV show ever given you bad advice? Didn’t think so. 

[terribledndadvice]

Cosplaying as a character is always an amazing idea. Specifically, cosplaying as a swarmkeeper ranger. Even more specifically, bringing a jar full of hornets to add accuracy to your cosplay. Even more specifically, releasing those hornets and commanding them to obey your will, right as the DM asks you to roll initiative.

[terribledndadvice]

DM tip: Is the bard constantly flirting with the tavern maid? Then inform the bard that she’s lesbian. Do so by having her overprotective, level 10 barbarian girlfriend explain that to the bard very clearly in the alley behind the tavern. 

[terribledndadvice]

Warlock idea: You’re a genasi, with a djinn as your patron... who just happens to be your parent. They can offer you nearly limitless power, but every time you ask them for an increase in power, or an advance on some spell slots, you have to sit through a thirty minute speech on how in their day, one witch bolt could last an entire fight, and how you need to learn the value of a hard day’s work.

[terribledndadvice]

If you’re making a barbarian character, always have their intelligence and wisdom be essentially zero, usually along with their charisma. Of course, hypothetically, you could make a unique and complicated character that fills a role in the party besides just tank, but why bother? It’s not like your barbarian could have years of experience leading their tribe’s forces in battle, giving them valuable tactical experience. It’s not like their camaraderie with their fellow warriors could translate into good leadership skills, and mentoring new warriors. It’s ridiculous to think that fighting orcs for half their life might have given them some experience in that area, allowing them to anticipate the enemy’s tactics and respond. Just grab your massive axe, your 3 foot beard, and your concussed, walnut size brain, and you’re all set without any of that stupid “role playing”.