C'est la vie. @eriiiikaaaaaa-blog - Tumblr Blog

Nothing good happens after 2AM

Can’t sleep because of stupid caffeine. I’m kind of wondering what the hell I was thinking when I drank a large cup of coffee. Oh well, the damage has been done. Here I am, typing some useless blog about shit in life. Like seriously?

I've been thinking ‘bout life recently. That kind of soul-searching thing. I admit, I’m kind of beating around the bush regarding my current life. I’m happy, sure. But am I contented? What’s the difference? Happiness vs. Contentment. I try not to think too hard about it because really, nothing good happens when I do. Does it matter? I don’t think so. --- is what I tell myself.

I talked to someone recently about my past life. Well, he insisted I talk about what happened in my life. After I told him, he said that I’m broken. I’m a broken girl trying to look strong in front of everyone. And indeed, I am. People always judge me, saying that I’m an insensitive girl because of what I did. But people only believe in what they see. People judge a book by its cover. They never bother to know what really happened. And I’ll never let them know what it did to me. I’ll never show them how broken I am. The perfect mask isn't a poker face, but rather a smiling face. A smiling face that can hide the saddest emotions.

I pretend to be happy, even force myself to be happy. I’m ‘happy’ but there’s still something missing. What does it mean to be happy? What is happiness? Have you ever wondered what it feels to be happy? How can you be sure that you’re truly happy? These questions that I’m most afraid to ask myself because I can’t find the answers. I want to be truly happy. Happy and contented. God knows I've been searching for it for a long time now.

See? This is why I don’t want to think about my shitty life. It gives me more questions but no answers. I’m happy with the person I’m with right now. He gives me his world, everything that he is. But, I don’t want his everything. I want him to make me feel. The feeling of being alive and being in love. The feelings that I lost in my past. I don’t need to be happy. I need to feel. I need him to tear down the walls that I built around my heart. I want to feel vulnerable, to feel protected, to feel that he can be my everything. I want to believe that he can do it. I need to believe in him.

To believe in him, to believe in myself,

To believe in us.

Get a chance to meet & learn from the UniLeaders on the last day of UTour, October 24 4-6PM at the UP Eng'g Theater! http://thndr.it/10dMJIO

Inside the Box: The World of TV Advertising! See what's behind the screen with AdCore tomorrow at the Eduk Theater! http://thndr.it/1CPoG0E

maketimetotime

grett

Untitled by HsuanLang on Flickr.

red-roomz

nataliedormier

flarethemoon

about time

Light at the end of the tunnel.

Bored ako. Wala akong magawa dahil midyear at 'di ako nag-enroll. Anyway. Update lang sa buhay luh :))

Kagaya nung last post ko a few months ago, kakamustahin ko ulit sarili ko. Haha sariling sikap eh. Kamusta na ako? Ito, masaya na. :) Akala ko talaga 'di na matatapos yung dark days, pero yun nga walang forever so imposibleng forever din yun. It's been.... 6 months? Yeah. Ang tagal ng moving on stage but at least I got over it already. After nung previous post ko, a lot of bullshit happened as expected. Lumala nang sobra yung mood ko especially pag nandun siya. It didn't look like I was going to get over it anytime soon until.... one day I just quit. Sabi nga ni Elsa, "Let it go~". Siguro nasawa na lang ako masaktan araw araw. One day, I just woke up from my impossible dream. Reality woke me up. I got fed up from the bullshit treatment he gives me, my so-called friends give me, basically everyone who treats me like shit. They think that moving on is a breeze and that they expected me to get over it immediately. Guess what, bitches? It took me 6 fucking months. 3 fucking months of hoping for something impossible and 3 fucking months of sucking up the pain to get over it. Anyway, yun basta ganun. Maraming kumausap sakin na they don't see the effort I do to move on. Ang sakit kaya. Tangina niyo? Kayo kaya sa sitwasyon ko tapos sabihin ko sa inyo na wala akong nakikitang pagbabago. Bitches. Oops. Kalma Erika. Tapos ka na sa stage na yan. Yun. It seemed like closure was the key. Well matagal ko nang alam yun pero akala ko kaya kong mag move on nang walang closure pero 'di pa rin talaga. Nagkaro'n lang ng closure nung 5B. Yes congrats sakin. Basta yun. Recovery stage na. Nahihirapan pa rin ako magtiwala sa ibang tao. Well after everyone betrayed me, I think I'm allowed to give them at least the benefit of the doubt. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone deserves a second chance. And it shouldn't be given to them. They should want and seek the privilege to have a second chance. Trust issues. Next time na yan. Anyway. Masaya na ako. 'di pa siguro ready ang mundo para malaman kung sino yung nagpapasaya sakin ngayon, but eventually malalaman din nila yan. Against sila sa idea na kami noon pa lang. Opinions are just that, opinions. Unless you make it your decision. In the end, sakin pa rin nakasalalay ang future ko. Oh well. Ayoko muna isipin ang future. I'm just enjoying the moment, relishing in this happiness that the world denied me for a really long time.

Acads naman. Okay naman. All pass last sem (thank you Lord) at 1.75 ako sa ME 63 nung summer. Congrats sakin. Pinaghirapan ko yan. Ganun pa rin naman yung goal ko. Acads first. Graduate on time. Mas may motivation na ako ngayon. :) I would have to do some minor changes in my curriculum (yet again) kasi iibahin ko yung lab na itatake ko. I still have a long way to go. At least I'm not sad anymore about what happened to my acads last year.

Org? Ayun. Katatapos lang ng pagiging head ko sa isang event. Yey congrats to me. *clap clap* Sorry sa co-head ko dahil mejj nawala ako nung part 3 na. Nawalan lang ako ng gana mag-computer lagi kaya 'di na natututukan yung mga ganap na napag-uusapan sa facebook. Ayun. Sali sali rin sa core groups. Explore new things like pagsali sa marketing committee ng TEP. Like, what the hell am I doing here? I don't even know a shit about marketing. But I want to learn. It would be a learning experience for me. Sabi ko nga noon, I have plans for myself. Push ko pa rin yung pagsali sa ibang orgs habang nagtatrabaho for different core groups within Circuit. Kaya ko yan. Time management and right motivation will do the trick. ;)

Special paragraph for my health. It's not good. Tama na ang pagloloko sa sarili. God knows I've had too much lies in my life already. Inatake ako ng.... whatever illness I have (apparently, it's not just hyperacidity anymore) the week after my summer classes. Monday pa man din yun and scheduled ang finals ng ME 63 nung araw na yun. Buti exempted ako. I have never been so grateful for that exemption than I did that day. I got hospitalized. Good thing I didn't get confined. I don't want to stay in the hospital for more than a day. Pero ayun kinailangan magpacheck up. Nagpa-endoscopy ako. They found a lot of complications in my stomach. At least 5 I think. And they tested me for cancer and it was negative. Thank you Lord I'm still going to live for a few more years. I promise to live life to the fullest. No more dark days. From now on, happy days are coming. :)

#newlife #happy