[She] was a natural born world shaker

Erin: Married mama from Maine Infertility -> two under 2 Amateur baker, houseplant collector, occasional dabbler in alcohol ink art. Really very liberal.

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Hey long time no blog, can someone tell me if I can make this outfit work for family photos? I really don't want to wear a dress this year 😅

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Hey long time no blog, can someone tell me if I can make this outfit work for family photos? I really don't want to wear a dress this year 😅

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I'm so tired. In so many ways.

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It's wild to me when people say GLP-1s are cheating, as if they magically make you lose weight with zero effort. I'm medicated, working out 5x a week, incorporating strength training, focusing on moderate carbs/high protein, and eating at a significant calorie deficit, and I'm still losing weight VERY slowly. And I was doing all those things for 5 years prior to being medicated - the only thing a GLP-1 has done is made it possible to eat in a significant enough deficit.

It's also v eye opening to be on one and to finally understand how a normal person must feel about hunger and satiety. Without a medication, I could eat a huge breakfast and be STARVING again in 2 hours. It didn't matter if it was low carb, high carb, lots of protein, no protein, etc. Nothing ever kept me full. The only times I ever felt full for an extended period (3+ hours) was when I overate to the point of discomfort. There was no in-between.

Anyway. That's today's soapbox.

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We just booked a trip to California! 3 nights at Yosemite and 3 nights in Monterey over April break 🤩🤩🤩

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I am...fine. I find that I am more sad for the people around me than I am for myself. And sad for my mom that she seemed to never really be fulfilled or happy, or that there was something always bringing her down. But my first therapy session after she passed was the shortest one I've had in months. I think I did so much processing and catastrophizing the last few years that I was just...prepared. My only wish is that I had focused a little more on the "good" - her death has brought up a lot of memories and it's hard to realize that they weren't all bad. She wasn't a bad person and there were a lot of things she did as a mom that were great. It's not that it excuses the way things were the last few years, but I wish I had focused on the positives more too.

I feel like I'm slowly coming back to a version of myself. I got 4 workouts in this week - the first time since September. I also felt really productive at work, which hasn't happened in a while. I'm doing "dry February" - I don't drink *frequently* but over the last few months I've drink a lot at once, and I just want a re-set. I'm feeling very stuck with my weight loss, but hoping that I can re-address that soon too.

Anyway. Nothing is exciting. But we're hanging in there.

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I am in full on denial/distraction mode where I must be busy at every moment (don't come for me I have a therapist I'm Ross-Geller-I-made-fajitas FINE) but don't have physical energy to exercise, so I've been reading A LOT. D got me a book called Babylonia for Christmas and I LOVE it, but then I also got a notice from the library that my requested copy of Atmosphere was ready so I grabbed that and I am just alternating. Atmosphere is good but has a little too much dialogue for me (but I really love the past/present structure of the story.) Also we taught the girls how to play Uno and they *both* love it, so we've played 3 nights in a row. However, we're taking a mandated break tomorrow bc one round went over an hour tonight and we all wanted to get away from each other by the end 🤣 Also I went back to work today and I'm still feeling very blah and unmotivated about my job, but that was the case *before all of this* so...we'll see.

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I thought the question "How are you doing?" was annoying at 9 months pregnant, but the rage it makes me feel today is next level. Especially from people who should know me well enough to know that I'm not going to want to talk about it. Just let me grieve quietly ffs.

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Doesn't matter how many times I thought my mom was dying and how many times I've discussed this in therapy. This is the worst.

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Mom passed away this afternoon. In the most *her* fashion possible - she waited until we had all stepped out of the room. It was the first time in days one of us hadn't been next to her - my aunt even spent last night at the hospice house with her. I had gone down the hall for a quick meeting with HR about FMLA; my dad had left 10 minutes before; and my aunt had gone home to shower and reset for a minute. My aunts partner was still in the room and realized she was no longer breathing. I'm glad I spent so much time with her the last few days, but I'll always wish I had said more when she was still conscious.

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Mom was transferred to hospice tonight. I'm struggling a lot with the speed of her decline and the thought that we are just drugging her out of her mind during her last lucid hours; however, my aunt and ChatGPT both say the decline is due to disease progression. I'm trying to find comfort in that; it doesn't help that even while mostly unconscious today she seemed to be crying. I'm glad I gave her a long hug on Saturday.

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Telling my kids their nana is dying was not an enjoyable experience. They handled it about how I expected, which is to say they are very sad. And Abby kept asking if she could catch cancer. This is the worst.

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Currently waiting for my mother/parents to make a decision between continuing treatment or transitioning to hospice. I have so many unanswered questions, that I will probably not ask because I dont think she is capable of answering them, and I am just experiencing so much emotional whiplash. I'm angry and bitter that I didn't get to have a healthy mother/daughter relationship, I'm sad that we won't get the chance, I'm sad for my dad who has never known anything or anyone else and won't know how to do life alone, I'm anxious that his care will fall on me since my sister isn't local, I'm sad for my mom who spent so much of her life unwell and never seemed happy, I'm scared that I'll die before I retire or that I'll fuck up my kids or that someday they'll have to question if I even love them.

I am clearly spiraling at the moment, but I've taken a sleeping pill and have therapy in the morning. I'll survive this. It just doesn't feel fair.

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PSA this was ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

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Being a working mom during the Christmas season while my own mother is dying is a level of burnt out I haven't experienced before. Trying to find joy when I'm grieving, trying to protect my kids from it (during the holidays), trying to find the energy to exist let alone hold everyone together is exhausting. I don't know if going back to work will provide me structure and thus focus, or will send me off the deep end.

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Mom is going home.

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My mother was stable, but has a massive infection that they cant fully treat while the tumor is present, which they can't address immediately due to risk of spreading the cancer. She has been out of the ICU for a few days but her white blood cells are still high and her hemoglobin keeps dropping. Shes not able to process and relay all the information accurately, and last night told my aunt that some doctor had talked to her about hospice. No other info given, and now my dad and aunt are there but not answering texts or calls. So...currently disassociating with Christmas baking and crime podcasts.