there’s a class for this

[erisatotheright]

driving home today, i saw the moon rising in front of me and the sun setting behind me. i don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about seeing both the sun and the moon at once.

[erisatotheright]

well ain’t that somethin lol

[erisatotheright]

when i was younger, i feel like i was so full of words to describe everything. i was so full of the excitement to write down my thoughts, journal my day, write poems about love and heartache. i look back and read the things i wrote and they move me deeply. i sit and i try to pull that energy and inspiration out and i simply can’t find it. i’ve started and deleted this 3 times. the words used to flow out of me so effortlessly. my feelings were begging to be spilled somewhere at all times. i know i’ve grown up, but i don’t want to, because is this what it comes with? being so busy focusing on surviving the real world that i can’t allow myself the time to sit and reflect on how i’m feeling?

growing up has just felt like constantly drowning. i yearn for a time when things were simpler and easier. i’m holding on to the things that make me, me for dear life. i’m trying with my entire heart and soul to stay in touch with my inner child and make sure i’m doing things that i truly enjoy. and when i look back, writing has always been one of those things. writing, reading, and music have always been things that keep me grounded and over the years i’ve lost sight of if. i’m hoping that allowing myself to start enjoying those things again, i can feel a shred of my soul returning, and not feel like such a victim of growing older and wiser.

[leafsea]

[vxxt]

[oldpaintings]

Albert Durer Lucas (English, 1828--1918)

[landsccape]

[erisatotheright]

i hope you still think of me fondly.

[erisatotheright]

i had a dream about you out of the blue the night before last, then i woke up and looked at the date and honestly couldn’t believe my eyes. i thought it was insane how my body and subconscious mind could remember your birthday and remind me even in my sleep. it made me smile just a little because you would’ve loved that. i opted not to say anything to you. maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. i’m full of love for you, but maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.

[erisatotheright]

how? how do people try to move forward and get better when they’re constantly surrounded by negativity and people that don’t want to see them succeed

[erisatotheright]

i’m so fucking tired and overwhelmed.

[painstation-deactivated20181026]

[skelitonqueen02]

Dead lovers

[erisatotheright]

i have such high expectations, but i always end up disappointed in the end. i literally tell people that my life motto is “expect nothing, and you’ll never be disappointed.” meanwhile, in the very depths of my heart, i care way too much and my expectations and hopes are through the roof. i think after a lifetime of self hatred, betrayal, and emotional neglect i crave a different emotion. i crave for things to get better. but i maintain the attitude that i expect nothing and need nothing from anyone. it’s a lie, but i maintain it nonetheless.

i’m exhausted from a lifetime of being on guard. i want to exhale and be allowed to be soft, safe, and secure. it feels like that may never happen. oh well.

[ancientsstudies]

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

- Oscar Wilde

[ancientsstudies]

Your very flesh shall be a great poem..

- Whitman, Leaves of Grass

[erisatotheright]

i miss being 19, cozied up in my big room in my parents house, getting high and laying on the floor with my best friends every night. laughing about shit until ridiculous hours of the night. randomly deciding to take trips to our favorite 24 hr restaurants at 1am because why not….most of the time, none of us had any pressing responsibilities to cater to. i miss being that carefree.

i miss the person i used to be. i feel like i’ve lost a lot of my identity as i’ve gotten older. it feels like there are never enough hours in the day. i wanna curl up in my bed and read a book or listen to records or play video games for hours like i used to. having that time with myself was my peace and that peace feels like it was a lifetime ago. i’m so so nostalgic for the way things used to be. my heart aches for it. is this what getting older is? i hate it.