Illusionary retreat

Words are weary.

[ermakofdwarves]

I have to post *something*!

[ermakofdwarves]

depression + unemployment + mid life crisis sucks. here’s a picture of nothing.

[ermakofdwarves]

I’m not dead

[ermakofdwarves]

Loneliness sucks!

[ermakofdwarves]

I’m... tired. Constantly tired. Every day... well mostly evening because every day I slave away at my pointless work to earn tiny bits of cash to not starve... 

Ahem! Anyway I’m tired every day, even though ideas for drawings and sketches and stories pile up as time goes by.

I just don’t know how to fix this. Even rambling here isn’t going to help. Am I depressed? I know I don’t eat much. Or talk to others. Or go outside - besides the work thing that is...

I don’t want to think of myself as a depressed person especially since it’s a self-diagnosis and is an unreliable thing.

What else?... I tried streaming. Of Terraria and my (rather pathetic) sketching process. Should I talk there? I think I should. But I don’t want my parents to hear me.

Because then they’ll come over and disrupt whatever peace I have in my room. I hate them. It’s not a “hate” hate but rather an extreme annoyance of their existence near me.Does it make sense? Probably.

Then again, I’m alone. All alone in the vast Web where I can just reach out and... And what? Socialize? I have no idea how to be a social person.

Ugh. This rant is too long. Just stop already. I wish I could find my passion or muse or whatever...

[ermakofdwarves]

Wish I wasn’t this hungry. So distracting...

[ermakofdwarves]

I’ve finished reading “Background Pony”. Now I’m sad for Lyra. Poor girl.

What? You expect me to write an essay on topic of my feels and thoughts and everything? I’m not a writer, never was and never will.

Still the fic deserves a commission... but... no. It has too many painful moments.

I want them to fade away instead.

Final thought though: the choices that were given and decisions of the antagonists piss me off.

[ermakofdwarves]

Got a job. Not something I’d want to spend a life doing.

Still it’s an income to pay the rent. Now I can focus on what I love. Games drawings.

[ermakofdwarves]

Suicidal thoughts just for the laughs. No, of course not gonna do it. I wasn’t born to kill myself.

[ermakofdwarves]

I’ve distanced myself from society for so long I don’t know how to hold a conversation anymore. Funny how being a semi-hermit worked out.

[ermakofdwarves]

Can’t find a job. Can’t find. A single. Simple. Damned. Job.

...I’m pathetic.

...

Sulking is over. I’ll be fine. I think.

[ermakofdwarves]

Lil’ brother passing by: “Still no job? Hey, there’s a guy at my place that landed on one literally after his first day. Cool, huh?”

Yea. Thanks for reminding how socially inept I am. *sigh* fml

[ermakofdwarves]

Guess my motivation is just a simple distraction of awesome. Get inspired by a book/song/movie/show/clip long enough to create something before the reality of life catches me. Again.

Currently I’m at my low. Not the lowest but definitely one of the worse moments.

[ermakofdwarves]

Short answer: you suck, shut up, draw more.

Long answer: youuuuu ssssuuuuucccckkk...

[ermakofdwarves]

Draw a pony. Or a gun... a knife... a something-that-is-simple. But noooo, I decide to draw a scene and struggle with *everything* in it.

Ponies? Not enough practice and they have semi-dynamic poses so it’s hard to make them right.

Landscape/background? It’s a desert! Just scribble shrubs and rocks all over, no biggie, right. Right. Now say that to me...

That vehicle you have no idea how it looks? Hehe... SUFFER! There’s no images of it whatsoever!!

UGH... Just pick someone’s OC and make a quick sketch of it. Stop trying to make a masterpiece of all time!! What is WRONG with you?!

And I haven’t even started drawing their clothes...

[ermakofdwarves]

Strangely enough I find /r/fatpeoplehate actually motivating. And I’m a skinny non-athletic person so... yeah.

[ermakofdwarves]

Just because I’m not posting my drawings/doodles doesn’t mean I have nothing to post. I’m working on something and don’t want to share, sorry. But I like what I’m doing.

I’m saddened by the fact that I work best at nights. When (or if) I get a job I’ll have almost no time for sleeping.