i wanted to walk in outer space
heel to toe between the stars
I'll forget gravity, kiss it goodbye
and I'll feel its gentle hands
one and the same with the vacuum
mirroring the crushed stars i was made of
i wanted that. i dreamed and wanted.
I'll never be a star, and gravity
still grounds me, its hands
like shackles like ball and chain.
i don't expect, nor do i want its
and I'll forget what i ever wanted.
i won't wish my breathing to be tides,
powerful and unrelenting in its wake.
I'll remember each as it is,
as meaningless as a grain of salt
i want. i want. i want to forget.
one of the things that frustrates me the most about my condition right now is remembering how I used to be. I can't get that version of me back. I lost myself.
there's something comforting about remembering my insignificance. I of course had trouble thinking about how useless and how utterly slow my life has been. I feel like I've failed, at 21. but I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I'm not special, and just mediocre in every sense of way.
but it hurts to remember that I used to be different. I used to want to be something, used to have hope of being something, used to believe I could be something. I don't want any of that now. it feels too far fetched when I'm struggling with doing the very basic things to live.
I can't keep punishing myself for losing that version of me. I can't keep wishing for her to come back. I wonder if it's really better to forget she existed at all. it really shouldn't matter if I was at peace with my present self. clearly I need help. haha