eShakti & Awe

We all know eShakti can be awesome. The dresses have POCKETS. You can customize it to your size, and pretty cheaply at that. The basic designs are comfy and flattering. But sometimes …. well, sometimes eShakti goes off the rails. And when we they do, we’re here.

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Were the shoulders snipped off by angry birds? Are those even birds?! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. (JS)

She can’t take this dress off, ever. When she does her head falls off. (JT)

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Should trend well among the "fashionable lady who likes to pop a bag of popcorn, dump it into the weird neck-pouch of her dress, smoke an enormous doob, then watch cartoons while eating said popcorn directly out of the neck-pouch" demographic. Side note, I would very much like to hang out with these women.

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You know, I think the deep neckline is supposed to be a nod to "sexiness", but in the context of the REST of the dress, well... the dowdiness horse is kind of already out of the barn. And the barn burned down. And the horse ran away. And no builders are willing to rebuild on the site. Also: is there a name for those... boob epaulets? That can't be what they're called, right?    

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eShakti apparently got an AWESOME deal on bolts of material left over from the ill-fated "Tron" sequel...

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The front of the dress isn’t terrible, but...

I'm sad that some nice school teacher didn't pull the model aside to whisper, "Um, honey... your dress is on backwards," before the photo shoot. 

Alternatively, this IS the front of the dress, and the model is actually Slash. 

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This garment is actually fine, but I just need to point out that the way the slit in the coat lines up with the gap between the model's legs makes it look as though her entire body could be pulled apart with a slight tug like a pair of cheap wooden chopsticks. 

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Is this, like... a futuristic Canadian apron? Why do I imagine someone cleaning the deep fryer in a Tim Horton's in 2076 while wearing it? (JS)

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When you reach the Fifth Level of the Laura Ashley Priestesshood, you are finally allowed to wear the Floral Kimono of Annihilation. (JS)

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I was unaware that Target's hip, youth-centric "Xhiliration" line now made mourning dresses. "For the widow who's ALSO captain of the field hockey team!" (JS)

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If eShakti and Cabela's ran at one another across a field, like lovers in a romance movie, but instead of embracing, gave one another mutual concussions, this dress would be the result. (JS)

I feel like this dress might lead to one getting peed on by dogs, (JT) 

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I feel like they were given a bunch of men's size 60x30 jeans by a relative who'd had gastric bypass surgery and, instead of donating them to the Big 'n Tall Thrift Store, decided to go so DIY and upcycle them into a shirt... vest... thing.

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The carpet matches the drapes. In that these pants could serve as a carpet and/or drapes. (JS)

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Is this a ... inappropriately revealing jumpsuit pretending to be work-appropriate because it's made of suiting material? (JT)

I feel like I'd be hiking this in opposite directions all day, so it'd be like WEDGIE! TOO MUCH BOOB! WEDGIE! TOO MUCH BOOB!... every two minutes, all day.   (JS)

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If I don’t tie them down my boobs, tired of ugly plaid shirts, like to go off on their own and have adventures without me. (JT)

The 90's are back? NOOOOOO! GOD NO! TIE THE 90'S TO YOUR TORSO WITH UNRELATED FABRIC SO THEY DON'T ESCAPE AND WREAK HAVOC ON OUR TOWN ONCE AGAIN.  (JS)

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You know, this type of embroidery is a cherished Ukrainian tradition, so I'm assuming that Ukraine REALLY pissed off eShakti somehow, perhaps by mocking their all-consuming love of tulle.

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"Sexy Lumberjack" on the bottom, "Sexy Lumberjack Wedding Night Negligee" on top. And a touch of "everything I ever wore in middle school" sprinkled liberally on top.  (JS)

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Yet another "strapped on haphazardly, like a barrel on the town drunk" design, but this one in "laser tag facility carpet" print. Be the hit of your next formal event OR Cody's 14th birthday!