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[esp-4]

library dates are one of my favourites

especially when you need to quiet down a little bit from laughing too hard or kissing too loud.

i love him. very much.

[esp-4]

The flowers that bloomed flew away along with the wind and the agony and the feeling of emptiness within.

Someone i cherish very much, told me that people really did not care as much as i cared for them. And that, i have seen and felt in all very different versions and realities.

I've always wondered why i had to swim with their lives and why God had to do that. A test? I drowned countless times.

I've got null to abide by and love and protect. Except now, that i May try.

These winds and the Rains of June that will follow(the very month i often look back to)are the seasons that hold most of the love i have. The very rains that God had sent for us will return, and i shall now abide and love and protect. Just like May did for June.

[esp-4]

you act as if you'd do it for me

you act as if you're better than him

you act as if you've never hated me

you act as if you could do better

you act as if I need you in my life

you act as if you're my only friend

you act as if I can't live without you

you act as if I belong to you

No.

[esp-4]

Just what it is, i am holding on.

Where the flowers are rotten and the butterflies gone.

The land dry, and the sun is cold.

Where is the possibility of the next good cause?

Just what it is, I dare not know.

To lose or to lose, either i shall walk to.

But I'd rather not end, but with this heavy heart, i shall resume my journey and finish.

[esp-4]

Pa hmangaihna telloa seilian min ti dawn asin, chu chu i thlentir mek chu nih hi. Enge i chungah ka tih em em a hetiang em em a min huat? thil hote ka tihsualah pawh thahah min vo duha. I thinrim vangin maw? In hi chhuahsan vat vat ka duh. Khawngaihin.

[esp-4]

There are so many things in this world to be angry at, to be sad for, to be happy for.

Yet in mine they are so close to me.

Family defines so much different for me. So much greatness and loss. I Myself am perplexed and confused at the moment.

I dont even want to write anything to remember this feeling or to read back and relive the moment.

though one thing i know for sure is that i will always be the one who isn't really good deep down but pretends to be good. That's what he yelled at me.

I am always the evil one for him.

I wonder why.

[esp-4]

The one that i used to be head over heels for, that artist, that one old loved one of mine.

I saw your post, tagged with a song.

It felt like you were about to reach out to me when i loved you, but didn't.

Did you regret? not loving me? Any regret?

I really wanna know. I have a small hope that you would though.

I feel like i have moved on, though i check up on you here and there. I hope you're doing well, bud. my lemon boy.

Thank you for all the memories and happiness you have given me during that year ❤️.

[esp-4]

Why do i say these things I know that will hurt you, baby?

When you said you needed me in your life and that you cannot live without me anymore, that scared me, baby.

What am i supposed to do with this heavy love of yours that i have carried?

All i have done is hurt people who have loved me, because I am so full of myself and i am worried.

You're so gentle and easy to break, baby.

And i am saying things i didn't mean to.

I dont need this, but I'm afraid im staying because I'm afraid to hurt you like the others.

Baby, i still do love you very much, but not as much as you do and i am so sorry.

[esp-4]

I hate when people try so hard to appease people. Like we are not even living this life for them. Like we are not here because of them. It's not like we have to be proud all the time. HE(mother's husband) is a very proud man. i hate him. But i can't. I Cannot hate him, he's my mother's husband. But i dont like him. He's abusive to me. But i am not a good daughter too. But Even if i try to be HE doesn't. He cannot see even a tiny speck of goodness in me like in the same way i cannot like him at all. He is a very bad tempered man, i am too. Am i really that bad? Why am i Like this but not the others? Why does he do these things to me, but not the others? They say i need help, do i really? Am i that unfixable? am i that hard to understand? am i that unlovable? Am i that messed up in the head? Am i That Ugly inside? Am i that Bad? Am i that Unhappy? Why am i like this? Is it because of me myself? Or is it because of them? or me? They told me that it was because of me myself. Is it true? am i that naive🫤. i just really want to leave. I want to lEave. Please let me leave. I want to leave, when i am stable enough, i want to leave. I want to leave. this, so-called-christian-loving-household. i want to leave.

[esp-4]

would you care so, as i have. or i did not. i do not remember. i forgot again.

[esp-4]

My family doesn't approve me of having a boyfriend. i don't want that. and i also absolutely dont want to let you know that. i envy people who have such accepting parents. i just hope they are too. i miss you so much right now.

i hate the way father looks at me. he looks at me with such eyes that looks like he does not hold any love for me anymore. am i that bad? was i that evil? I just hope God listens to my worries and just you know, be there for me. I dont want a father who would just hurt me the rest of my life. I dont want a life that feels without love. i miss him. My happy little pill. He must be sleeping right now. i miss him so much.🥹

[esp-4]

It's our 6th month anniversary already, baby. Time flew so quickly. Im happy and thankful i got to spend this year with you. this whole year, we happened. WE HAPPENED. Its sad and disappointing we couldn't see each other on this day 9th Dec,2023. We did not wish each other too. I miss you. I feel like we have been drifting apart slowly. I thinks its me. Im Sorry. Sometimes i cannot just let it be. i let my mind ruin me and us too. sometimes i feel like hurting you. im sorry. sometimes i wanna leave you and im sorry. i just wish you'd stay by my side even when I'm pushing you away, because i want you. i never want to lose you. i miss you. sleep tight, good night.

(I HATE YOU SM FOR FALLING ASLEEP THAT EARLY!!!!)

Love,

mal4

[esp-4]

Regretted i gave you the hope of finding your eternity with me when all i do was leave you and scar you. So much could've been avoided only if i were smart enough. You were so kind, too kind for my cruel world. My life would've been less cruel too if I were with you now, but about happiness i dont have a say. Im sorry. I want to talk to you but i won't. i want to tell you how you still manage to linger in my life. I want to tell you that i still look for you when i drive past your shop. i did not want to see you though. I want to tell you that you'd be so disappointed with the way i have lived my life and that i did not do what you wanted me to do. I never did. Im sorry. I want to talk, but i won't. and you won't, too. no you would want. because thats who you are. Im sorry.

[esp-4]

i love him so much. love him so much. love him....so freaking much

[esp-4]

as much as i love him very much, I'd never choose a man like him to be my child's father.