A Random Collection

"Tend to your vital heart, and all you worry about will be solved." ~ Rumi

[essjayvee]

Royal Lake. Nature. Mountains. #solosearching #rosecoloredglasses

[essjayvee]

Words to live by: Tom Robbins

“The world is a wonderfully weird place, consensual reality is significantly flawed, no institution can be trusted, certainty is a mirage, security a delusion, and the tyranny of the dull mind forever threatens -- but our lives are not as limited as we think they are, all things are possible, laughter is holier than piety, freedom is sweeter than fame, and in the end it's love and love alone that really matters.”

[essjayvee]

Revelations I Should Have Had Years Ago (Or, Revelations I Had Years Ago but Forgot and Am Now Remembering)

The only person ‘out there waiting for me’ is me. Time to get found.

Loving and taking pleasure in oneself isn’t indulgent; it is the only way to authentically connect to others.

I have enough; I just need to make creative use of my resources.

When lying on our deathbeds, we are not going to care if we looked fat in those pants.

“To achieve the impossible, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought.” - Tom Robbins

This is a list.  It will grow.

[essjayvee]

I KNOW THE WAY YOU CAN GET

I know the way you can get When you have not had a drink of Love: Your face hardens, Your sweet muscles cramp. Children become concerned About a strange look that appears in your eyes Which even begins to worry your own mirror And nose. Squirrels and birds sense your sadness And call an important conference in a tall tree. They decide which secret code to chant To help your mind and soul. Even angels fear that brand of madness That arrays itself against the world And throws sharp stones and spears into The innocent And into one's self. O I know the way you can get If you have not been drinking Love: You might rip apart Every sentence your friends and teachers say, Looking for hidden clauses. You might weigh every word on a scale Like a dead fish. You might pull out a ruler to measure From every angle in your darkness The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once Trusted. I know the way you can get If you have not had a drink from Love's Hands. That is why all the Great Ones speak of The vital need To keep remembering God, So you will come to know and see Him As being so Playful And Wanting, Just Wanting to help. That is why Hafiz says: Bring your cup near me. For all I care about Is quenching your thirst for freedom! All a Sane man can ever care about Is giving Love! ― Hafiz

[softwaring]

[annfriedman]

Yeah, but also fun. On their own terms. Don’t sell Cyndi Lauper short:

The original version of the song, written by Robert Hazard, had a decidedly different point of view: It was sung from a man’s perspective, with “fun” standing for coerced bedroom shenanigans. Lauper reworked the track to fit her views on women and sexuality, including the lines that are often celebrated as a subtle feminist throw-down:

“It doesn’t mean that girls just want to fuck,” Lauper explained. “It just means that girls want to have the same damn experience that any man could have.”

[essjayvee]

Love this:

[essjayvee]

How to Redefine Healthy

I have been trying to lose ten pounds my entire life.  I have run half and full marathons. I have conquered (actual military) boot camp.  I’ve succeeded in losing ten pounds; in fact, I’ve lost ten pounds several times. 

I’ve done Weight Watchers, followed the South Beach diet, countless elimination diets, cleanses, gotten rid of my ‘wheat belly,’ struck a lot of yoga poses, and connected with my inner self.  And I lost weight.

However, ten pounds lost just became ten more pounds to lose.

I was irrationally convinced that weight loss would eventually translate into loving myself.  

I can’t overstate how pervasive this desire has been in my quest for a happy life.  Without truly being conscious of it, ‘ten pounds to lose’ has colored every meal, every relationship, every sexual experience, every photograph, the way I stand, sit and move, and too many good and bad decisions. 

I somehow successfully made ten pounds the scapegoat for most if not all of life’s problems. 

Not enough money?  You’d be paid more if you were attractive (READ: thinner).  Alone on a Saturday night?  Good, you deserve to be. Go for a run, Fatty.

I am painfully aware of how ridiculous this is.  I am aware how socially-conditioned we are to feel like our bodies aren’t good enough. I know it is a fantasy to believe that life, as a whole, would be SO MUCH BETTER if I were a size six instead of a size ten.

But as Einstein said, “Knowledge of what is does not open the door directly to what should be.” Knowing something does not always mean truly accepting it and knowing did not changed the way that I felt. 

Until I started dancing: not for fitness but for fun.

I have always loved to dance and took classes as a child but, as I grew up, I realized that I wasn’t graceful and light.  I didn’t ‘float’ like the other girls. So I stopped dancing and started working on being smart, likable, funny - ‘having a great personality.’ This was where I saw myself fitting in the world. 

When I started dancing again, almost two decades later, I reconnected to my body like a child connects to her body for the first time: with wonder.  I explored what I could do, not what I couldn’t do. 

After at least 18 years of effectively stifling that connection through ‘no pain, no gain’ workouts, deprivation diets, and just pure, unadulterated body-loathing, it felt so beautiful to move in this way.  I truly felt my adult body for the first time.

This self-revelation was powerful, like tectonic plate movement is powerful: slow but able to move mountains.    

Accepting my body forced me to redefine ‘healthy’ and analyze the underlying motivation for everything I was doing. I stopped activities in which weight-loss was the primary motivator.  Effectively, this meant I stopped doing everything.  I stopped running; I stopped pretending at self-acceptance; I stopped whatever trendy diet I was on at the time. 

I gained ten pounds. 

I noticed how this didn’t matter. My problems are still there, but they aren’t worse.  At times, I still feel completely, crushingly alone, but I realize this isn’t because of something I lack. The only tangible difference I noticed was a number on my scale, so I threw away my scale.

Now what?

When it comes to ‘health-related’ motivators, numbers on scales, shame, fear, and disgust have always been powerful ones.  However, fear and shame don’t inspire happiness, satisfaction, or love (for myself or anyone else).  I don’t want to avoid being a person I don’t want to be; I want to be the person I am, right now.  

Now I allow experience of life to motivate.  I let myself feel things - mostly relief and freedom but also pain and regret.  I let those feelings motivate me to care about my body, the world, and the people around me.  I feel how we’re connected, physically.

I pursue flexible goals that are kind and keep me connected to myself and the world in pursuit of them. I go for a run when I feel like running. I eat food that makes me feel energetic and capable.  I don’t beat myself up when I eat food that isn’t ‘healthy.’  I buy clothes that fit me and I feel great wearing.  I spend more time naked. 

I dance: alone, with people, over and under people, without (much) concern about how my dancing body looks and a lot more concern about how my dancing body feels. Being healthy, at least for me, has become about making choices with love and compassion for my body’s abilities (and limitations).

Sometimes, I feel foolish that it took 30+ years to get to this point, but, with compassion, I remind myself that it took exactly as long as it needed to take.  And I’m happy to be here. 

[seattle-wa]

Seattle by Dougerino on Flickr.

[mttbll]

One of the main reasons I read—and definitely why I write—is to try to see the world through someone else’s eyes. To try to imagine what life is like for someone who’s different from myself. And because writing entails a great deal of imaginative generosity, I almost think I’m a better person when I’m writing than I am in life. I’m forced into having empathy for everyone—even someone who I’d normally be upset with, or feel wronged by. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to dismiss any character as a writer, almost no matter what they do. All the energy goes towards trying to understand them. And the moment a character becomes real to me, and their experience becomes real to me, the writing itself almost feels like method acting. When I’m writing a story, which takes me a year or more, I can feel my character living with me—they’re responding to whatever funny, familial, or social situation I’m in, and I think about their responses constantly. This feeling of living alongside a character is one of the most gratifying things about writing, and definitely one of the reasons I do it.

Molly Antopol (via mttbll)

[essjayvee]

A Job-seeker's Horoscope

Friday September 6, 2013

I spent the morning ineloquently expressing myself to someone whose sole job, at that moment, was to judge whether or not I can eloquently express myself. That's right, a job interview for a communications position.

After failing to convince myself that the (at least one) horribly garbled question "wasn't THAT bad", I turned to Rob Brezsney seeking comfort. He had this to say:

"Aquarius: Germany's Ostwall Museum displayed a conceptual installation by the artist Martin Kippenberger. Valued at $1.1 million, it was called "When It Starts Dripping from the Ceiling."

Part of it was composed of a rubber tub that was painted to appear as if it had once held dirty rainwater. One night while the museum was closed, a new janitor came in to tidy up the premises. While performing her tasks, she scrubbed the rubber tub until it was "clean," thereby damaging the art. Let this be a cautionary tale, Aquarius. It's important for you to appreciate and learn from the messy stuff in your life -- even admire its artistry -- and not just assume it all needs to be scoured and disinfected."

I suppose at 31 it's high time to embrace the artistry in my metaphorical dirty tub. I am not, nor ever have been on a traditional career path.

Instead of shaking my head at my younger self's lack of foresight, I should continue to simply enjoy the places life has taken me, the skills I've gained, and the people that have been in my way.

It is probably also time to stop turning to horoscopes for comfort.

[essjayvee]

Diagnosing the Problems in Diagnostic Medicine: The Growing Potential of Portable Ultrasound in Africa

Saturday August 3, 2013

The Symptoms

People on this planet live in two different worlds.   Those born in the ‘Developed World’, have access to clean water, good education, and state-of-the-art health facilities in case of illness or accidents.  For those born in less developed areas, like some parts of Africa, finding water is often a day-long mission.  Education is usually a dream and healthcare, when available, is limited by a two-part problem:  lack of access to adequate facilities and a limited number of trained medical professionals. 

Consider diagnostic medicine:  Few people in the US relish the experience of medical testing when they are ill. Having blood drawn for lab work and undergoing tests are often stressful and invasive events.  However, when finished, the patient can be confident that the resulting diagnosis is accurate and that they will feel better soon.  Those from Africa face a very different reality.  Access to healthcare is limited and few facilities have the important diagnostic tools and the skilled healthcare workers to use them. 

However, with expanding diagnostic technology and awareness, the potential exists to bring these two worlds together.   Medical professionals have conducted many studies in Africa and are excited about the possibility of using relatively inexpensive portable ultrasound technology- an ultrasound device that is approximately the size of a large laptop that can be used in areas where traditional ultrasound machines do not exist or are not practical- to diagnose a myriad of problems (Adler, Mgalula, Price, &Taylor, 2008).  Furthermore, many organizations, including Imaging the World, a Washington-based non-profit, are developing ways to teach local people with little health care education how to use portable ultrasound technology to generate accurate diagnoses of the diseases and medical conditions that primarily affect people living in poverty.

The Prognosis

The simple equation is this: More accurate diagnostic tools lead to better treatment of the devastating symptoms that can result in prolonged illness and, in extreme cases, death.  Ultrasound in the developing world is being used to quickly and easily diagnose a variety of diseases particular to poverty: Tuberculosis, malaria, dehydration due to diarrheal diseases, and other tropical diseases.   These diagnoses are then guiding decisions about treatment (Sippel , Muruganandan , Levine, & Shah , 2011; Spencer & Adler, 2008). 

Meanwhile, in the world of high income countries, portable ultrasound technology is advancing. Sonosite Inc., a Bothell, Washington company, released its MicroMaxx portable ultrasound system that includes different options for a variety of diagnostic purposes, including a tool that more accurately measures vein and artery thickness (Dallessio, 2005)- a measurement used in Rwanda to diagnose severe dehydration in children (Sipple, Muruganandan, Levine, & Shah, 2011).  Other advances made by SonoSite Inc. in the field, include wireless internet connectivity and durability (SonoSite Inc, 2013) making it possible to reach natural disaster sites and hazardous locations more effectively, such as the use of the SonoSite Titan in a refugee camp in Tanzania (Adler, Mgalula, Price, & Taylor, 2008).

The Diagnosis

Just how difficult will it be to get more diagnostic ultrasound capacity to Africa?  Extremely.  The African healthcare system lacks both the facilities and the personnel to operate ultrasound, particularly for those who live in rural areas. 

First, facilities for ultrasound are limited.  Data from the World Health Organization (WHO) in Figure 1 shows the number of hospitals (in blue) per 100,000 people in each of the countries listed (countries with no data, a very small population, or above average GDP have been excluded).  These are the facilities that are likely, though not guaranteed to have ultrasound, or at least the capacity to use ultrasound if it were provided.  Figure 1 also shows the number of health centers and health posts (in red).  Health posts are defined by the WHO as “community centers or health environments with a very limited number of beds with limited curative and preventive care resources normally assisted by health workers or nurses” (World Health Organization, 2013). These facilities likely have little to no diagnostic equipment.

Figure 1.  The number of hospitals that likely have ultrasound technology or at least some capacity for it (in blue) and the health centers that, through training and proliferation of portable ultrasound, could potentially service residents (in red).

Source: Sara Veltkamp (data adapted from the World Health Organization, 2013)

Furthermore, the African healthcare system lacks people who are trained to use ultrasound for diagnostic purposes (Adler, Mgalula, & Price, 2008).   For example, in 2009 Ghana was home to approximately 2,000 doctors.  Compare that to a developed country of a similar size, Australia. In 2009, the WHO estimated that Australia was home to nearly 63,000 doctors (World Health Organization, 2013).   Furthermore, these numbers represent all doctors, not specifically those trained to use ultrasound.  According to Gharbi & Chehida (2000), seven countries representing nearly 100 million people in Africa have no national radiologists.   

Treatment

With these glaring problems, getting ultrasound into Africa may seem like an insurmountable task.  However, the development of relatively cheap and durable portable ultrasound technology is helping to get ultrasound to places such as health centers and health posts instead of merely in hospitals that may be inaccessible to people living in remote rural areas (Spencer & Adler, 2008).   As evident in Figure 1, in many countries with fewer hospitals, health centers and health posts could fill the gap for the rural populations and provide a potential location for the use of portable ultrasound. 

Non-profit organizations are working to improve the health worker situation on the ground.  Imaging the World (ITW), a Washington State-based organization founded by radiologists, has developed a program that uses portable ultrasound to do volume scanning- a method of scanning that takes multiple still photos of an entire area of the body and thereby lessens the skill level necessary to conduct an accurate scan.  After the scan has been completed, the data can be sent via mobile networks to health care professionals anywhere in the world for diagnosis.  Because volume scanning requires less skill than previously used ultrasound scanning methods and the diagnoses are made by experts, not those conducting the scan, any healthcare worker can be easily trained to use the portable ultrasound in this manner (Imaging The World, 2013).  ITW is actively coordinating their activities with other non-profits to spread this diagnostic service to other areas of the developing world. 

Outcome: Hope for the Future

Often diagnosing the problem is the first step to curing it or at least alleviating the symptoms.  Diagnosing the challenges of getting portable ultrasound technology in the developing world is the first step towards better treatments for people in those areas.  Ultrasound technology is specifically suited to the types of diseases often experienced in areas that suffer from extreme poverty but many ‘symptoms’ need to be treated for portable ultrasounds to make a lasting difference for these people.   Amazing advancements in this technology and in servicing residents in these areas are being developed, but challenges still exist in finding suitable places to operate the technology and in training local healthcare workers.  Non-profit organizations like Imaging the World and their partners are aiding in the training and use of the technology, but more needs to happen, so that “the overall statement endorsed by all WHO member states, aiming at ‘health for all’, can be achieved” (Ostensen, 2000, p. S161).

References

Adler, D., Mgalula, K., Price, D., & Taylor, O. (2008). Introduction of a portable ultrasound unit into the health services of the Lugufu refugee camp, Kigoma District, Tanzania. International Journal of Emergency Medicine, 1, 261-266. doi 10.1007/s12245-008-0074-7

Dallessio, K.M. (2005, June). Ultrasound and molecular imaging news. Applied Radiology. Retrieved from http://www.appliedradiology.com/Issues/2005/06/Tech Trends/Technology--and--Industry--Ultrasound-and-molecular-imaging-news.aspx

Imaging the World. (2013). Retrieved from http://www.imaging theworld.org

Gharbi, H.A. & Ben Chehida, F. (2000). Africa. Ultrasound in Medicine and Biology.26, S150-S153.

Ostensen, H. (2000). Developing Countries. Ultrasound in Medicine and Biology,26, S159-S161.

Sippel, S., Muruganandan, K., Levine, A., & Shah, S.(2011). Review article: Use of ultrasound in the developing world. International Journal of Emergency Medicine, 4 (72). Retrieved fromhttp://www.intjem.com/content/4/1/72

Sonosite. (2013). Retrieved from http://www.sonosite.com

Spencer, JK. & Adler, RS.(2008). Utility of portable ultrasound in a community in Ghana.  Journal of Ultrasound in Medicine, 27, 1735-1743.

World Health Organization. (2013). Global Health Observatory Data Repository. Retrieved from http://apps.who.int/gho/data/node.country 

[essjayvee]

August 2, 2013 Renewed attempt to apply this logic to blogging. Initiate stop and start mode (again) Practice, perfection, enjoyment.

[essjayvee]

Heartache

Thursday June 6, 2013

Found this photo today in an old album from 2009.  It was taken when my friend Muhannad and I were headed to Latakia from Damascus in the summer.  We stopped by this tiny little home on the way to pick up fatayer for breakfast.  It was being made here by wrapping the ingredients -Zaatar, jibneh, muhammara - in dough and sticking it to the side of this brick oven to bake.

It was delicious.  I had three.  I can't imagine that this woman is still making breakfast for travelers.  It's likely she's now a traveler herself in one of the many Syrian refugee camps in surrounding countries.  Oh, Syria.  How much longer will this go on?

[essjayvee]

Casual Friday... thought-less posting

Friday, May 31, 2013

"As a renowned artist, photographer, and fashion designer, Karl Lagerfeld has overflowed with creative expression for 50 years. His imagination is weird and fantastic, yet highly practical. He has produced a profusion of flamboyant stuff. "I'm very down to earth," he has said, "just not this earth." Let's make that your mantra for the coming weeks, Aquarius: You, too, will be very down to earth in your own unique way. You'll follow your quirky intuition, but always with the intent of channeling it constructively." - Rob Brezsny, Free Will Astrology

[essjayvee]

People I love

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Equally as likely to verbally, or on the rare occasion physically (with lipstick and milkshakes) assault men as she is to laugh with them, she’s a single-malt scotch; quality ingredients, long development process, perfectly aged.

Free-spirited wanderer trapped in a healthy relationship and small-business ownership, one can see the prosperous bars of her successful cell reflected in her far-off gaze. I long to smuggle her a file in a cake of infidelity or arson.

His wildly uninhibited personality lies in juxtaposition to his cripplingly low self-esteem, but allows his heart to beat to the rhythm of the Jackson Five.

Wickedly funny and modestly self-deprecating, she is oblivious to her ability to charm everyone who dares enter her sphere of influence.

Anal-retentively over-styled in the vacuous trends of the hour, he clings to his own lie that he doesn’t care what I think.

Saddled with the confidence of never having to worry about money, he will age slower than most and travel the world without ever really understanding its perverseness.

[essjayvee]

Call for Economic Liberty? Doubtful.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The House Committee on Foreign Affairs blog recently published a short post by Representative Ed Royce (R-CA) which describes his thoughts about the Arab Spring Uprisings.  His argument, echoing the work of many credible scholars (both Arab and Western), is that the uprisings, while political, were primarily motivated by a lack of economic opportunity. This motivation was particularly strong for educated and unemployed youth, street vendors, and other members of the underrepresented population that carried the torch “from Sidi Bouzid to Tahrir”.  Royce builds on his argument by claiming that because of the economic, (not political) nature of the protests, the usual types of institution-building donor activities which strengthen political parties, reform laws, write constitutions, aid elections, etc. will not be effective. He further suggests that, in fact, “no amount of U.S. foreign assistance will bring stability to the region”. Furthermore, he argues that any programs funded by the government should be programs that bolster entrepreneurial activity by protecting private property and private business.

In some ways, his argument seems reasonable– I agree that the US-funded development projects need to change in light of the current political and economic situation in the Middle East and North Africa (MENA), but of course this would be true regardless of the Arab Spring Uprisings. Economic and social aid should be as dynamic as the countries and people that it is intended to benefit to have any relevance.  However, I have a hard time believing that Royce is truly sensitive to the needs of the unemployed youth and street venders in Cairo considering his US voting record.  He consistently votes to reduce taxes for the top 10 per cent, deregulate banking (unsurprising considering that banks are his primary campaign financiers), and against social safety nets, indicating a severe lack of concern for the unemployed and under-served people in his own country.  I find it highly doubtful that this socially conservative Catholic has more than a shred of concern for the primarily Muslim underrepresented majority in MENA. 

I have a feeling that Royce’s newfound belief in the entrepreneurial spirit of this region, embodied in the words of Hernando de Soto who is quoted in this post that “no amount of money Western nations or investors transfer to [Middle Eastern and North African] countries can ever come close to the economic potential locked up in the entrepreneurial aspirations of their people”, is really a top 10 per cent-motivated desire to direct more foreign aid into the pockets of international corporations through the guise of protecting ‘private business'. While I agree wholeheartedly in de Soto's belief in the potential of this region, the scars of a corrupt government, regional unrest, and poor past and current foreign policy will require area specific international assistance that goes beyond protecting private business.

[essjayvee]

MARATHON POST!

I know I haven't been posting as much as I originally indicated that I would, thus leading to posts that cover the general gist of how the running and life is carrying on instead of my earlier posts which touched on the random thoughts and fleeting ideas that came to me while running.  Most of you (can there be a majority with an audience of 2?) are thankful for this, but I'm a little disappointed because I intended this blog to be a reminder to myself how I felt while running and possibly an inspiration (look where I came from, aren’t I great!) to keep running. 

But, I’m computer-less and financially unable to fix my netbook right now or buy another.  Justifying any investment into these items seems extravagant, particularly because blogging, Netflix, and blocking people on Facebook are the only uses I put a computer to these days as all other search, games, Facebook functions, and navigation tools are easy enough to manage on my iPhone.  Therefore, I apologize to all who were trying to follow along on my merry ride.  Mostly I apologize to my older, wealthier, knock-out, professional future-self because having employed the best of your many coping mechanisms, you will have blocked out the memory of this year and the hot mess that was you in 2012, and will therefore not be able to look back and fully appreciate how far you’ve come.   I’m sorry me, but maybe it’s best that we forget.

Now.  On to more exciting subject matter: the Marathon.  In case you were wondering, I exceeded my fundraising minimum and didn’t have to pay any more money to subject my body to severe, prolonged torture.  Hurrah! and thank you to those who donated!  For those of you who still want to, you can, but I won’t appreciate you as much because the pressure resulting from having to pay the remainder myself has been relieved.  Just kidding (kind of).  I’m thinking of holding a Payoff Sara’s Debts so that She has a Chance at Getting a Meaningful (Read: poorly paid) job abroad fundraiser though, so you’re welcome to contribute to that cause.  All checks can be made out to Sara Veltkamp.  Sorry, not tax deductible.

The Marathon itself was absolutely amazing.  I was standing there, looking up and down the street that functioned as the starting line and was absolutely blown away by the sheer number of people participating in the race.  25,000 is a lot of people particularly when the vast majority of said people are women.  Not that women are bigger, but I like to think that we take up more space.

I was too far from the starting line to actually hear the gun, but 15 minutes later I was off.  A coach saw me cross the starting line at a nearly full sprint and I could see that look in his eyes advising me to slow down, but I had spent the last several hours pumping myself up so it took a mile or two to regulate.  My first near crying moment was only 3 or so miles in when a gospel choir was planted on the wharf singing “Oh when the Saints come marching in” in purple robes.  The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society raised over $10 million dollars on this race alone, which is pretty damn amazing.

The next thing I know, I’m running uphill in the Presidio at mile 6.  A nod to my coaches on this one, I nailed the hills in this race. Actually, I could barely even feel them.  People stopped and walked, slowed down etc., and while I’m sure I was not impressing anyone with my speed (besides myself, of course,) I passed a lot of runners who appeared more fit than I have ever been.  Thanks Tuesday night hill practices and the dreaded ladders. 

Running into Golden Gate Park (half-way point), I was really glad that I had decided not to do only the half marathon.  While it was really fun up until that point, I didn’t feel like I’d pressed myself enough and I wanted to see what I could do in the next few miles.  Mentally however, crossing halfway was really challenging.  There was a moment when the half marathoners (probably more than half of the participants) split off and all of a sudden, I felt like I was running alone.  Luckily, being in Team in Training, it wasn’t long until I saw one of the coaches on the course.  He ran with me for the next mile or so and gave me updates on our other teammates and got me excited to keep going.

After leaving Golden Gate, I hit the most difficult part of the run for me.  Not only because I was tired, I was used to that by now with all the training, but because I was bored.  I was ready to fist punch the air at the finish line and go get a drink with my friends in San Francisco.  And I still had 10 miles to run.  Even more crushing was getting to Lake Merced and seeing the sheer size of it.  It looked like Lake Michigan as far as I was concerned, but in reality was only 3 or 4 miles around.  Luckily, I had my headphones with me and my running mix was queued up to go.  The first song to play on the random mix made me giggle to myself, it being a song that Brian often plays at work on Saturday night at Crow, a soul number called Bar B Que by Wendy Rene.  It made me think of all my friends there and how much support I’d gotten from them throughout the training…  plus it’s just a fun song to move to featuring a back-hand-springing boy and a cat on a stone just begging for barbequed meats. 

Finally, I was what we’ll generously call running my final miles (pictures indicate more of a shuffle).  I knew I was close to my goal time (broadly under 5 hours) but was finding it difficult to pick up my feet and run the last miles.  Miraculously right about that time, two of my coaches saw me and came to run with me the final mile.  I told them that I wanted to be under 5 hours and they set the pace.  They also got the crowd cheering for me which was embarrassing, but secretly exactly what I wanted.  I ran the last half mile or so on my own with people I didn’t even know cheering me on.  My final time was 4:53 which I call good enough.  The whole finish line extravaganza was kind of a blur and it really still hasn’t hit me that I finished.  But I have the Tiffany Necklace/ medal to prove it.

I know this is long, but please indulge me in some further insight.  I was a little disappointed upon finishing.  Not in myself, or the race, or the support from the coaches and team, that was all amazing.  I was disappointed because it really didn’t feel like an accomplishment.  It is, I know it is, but when I crossed the finish line I thought, “Well, that wasn’t so hard.” With all the support and training I was really prepared for the pace that I ran, which is a good thing and made the accomplishment possible.  But thinking back, the hardest thing about the Marathon was getting out there on my own on the days I only had to run 3 or 4 miles.  Running 26 miles with everyone was hard but inspiring.  Struggling through 3-mile runs, alone, every Wednesday and Thursday morning was hard and not very immediately rewarding at all.  I can’t help but draw comparisons in my non-running life.  What I need to accomplish isn’t that hard.  I can get a job, people with less experience and qualifications do it all the time.  I can pay off debt, even though it feels pretty insurmountable right now.  What’s difficult to face is that I feel like I’m doing it alone and the payoff is so far in the future that it feels like I’ll never get there.  And now that the Marathon is over, I don’t have that mini accomplishment to distract me.  

Not that Marathoning was merely a distraction.  It was intended to be a game changer, an insight producer, a self-builder and it was all of those things.  But now the real stuff can’t be put off any longer.  I’m more prepared to deal with it, but it’s going to be a long, hard slog to the finish line.

[essjayvee]

August 20th-September 20th

So I've been pretty delinquent in posting.  I blame my netbook as it has decided to be in and out on me for the last few weeks (could be the pirated copy of Windows Ultimate that I've been using from Syria, or perhaps all of the programs I'm not using and my failure to defrag the system, ever).  It seems to be working fine now so I suppose it's time that we catch up.

Running... I think if health were my main concern, I'd be doing a half marathon.  My nagging calf muscles remind me constantly that I didn't take the time necessary to build up to running this much and the only thing that is going to shut them up is to give them a break.  Which, of course, I can't do as I'm less than a month (!) away from the Marathon. 

We did our longest workout last week Saturday.  I ran for three hours and did about 17 miles.  It was difficult, but not for the reason I thought it would be.  Yes, I was tired but I managed to finish strong at the end.  The hardest part was the monotony.  It's difficult to stay mentally engaged in running for that long.  My only hope is that with the race day atmosphere, all the other runners, and a course that I am unfamiliar with I'll be able to mentally stick it out for the entire 5 ish hours that I think I'll be running. 

Besides running... I guess I wish more things were happening.  I've discovered since not drinking very much that drinking is how I dull my current dissatisfaction with life and now that I'm not, I feel so restless.  In a good way.  I've always loved this little quote that I got from one of my Free Will Astrology readings about 6 years ago... "I am rich in never-ending unrest".  While unrest is traditionally seen as a bad thing, I am not much of a traditionalist.  I see unrest, dissatisfaction, boredom, etc., as a catalyst for change, and for pushing myself to stay out of my comfort zones.  While some say that it is important to find peace and contentment, I'd rather just feel that vague sense of "there's got to be something else that I should be doing".  I definitely wouldn't be training for a Marathon if I were content.

That being said, I'm currently in a situation where I feel a little stuck. The restaurant has been slow, really slow and no one is able to give up shifts.  Therefore, I'm not working more than once or twice a week.  This gives me enough money to pay bills, but that is about it.  So I've been running, doing some classes at the gym and generally trying to occupy my time with things that cost no money.  Where most people would kill to have more free time, I would kill to have more stress.  Lack of any stress is very stressful.  Also, unlike a Lannister, I am not paying my debts thus making my dreams of going abroad to work seem farther and farther away.  I'm currently monitoring facebook and living vicariously through all of my Master's colleagues who are doing amazing things with their lives.  I think we can all agree that this is a less than ideal way of spending time. 

Mostly, however, I just don't know what I should be doing to get myself closer to the life I want...  Should I try to get a second and third job and work myself silly to pay off debt?  Should I try to get another internship that will connect me to work abroad?  Should I go abroad for a job that I really want to have and probably double my debt in doing so?  Should I marry a rich Microsoft or Amazon executive and take half in a few years?  OK, only half serious...