scattered•rambling

• a space for my poetry, short stories, photographs & rambling •

[et-tu-iris]

Why the fuck does it take heartache, discomfort, taboo-thoughts, straight up restlessness and wicked arousal to take pen to paper?

Why can’t I write when I’m “well”?

[et-tu-iris]

[et-tu-iris]

It’s been a while since I’ve written.

I used to be a poet.

Now

I’m here.

Realized I still squirm away from shadow work

Because now there’s more to find.

And it blows me away. I thought I was doing well.

But it’s always the most tender parts of ourselves

That keep pulsing, slithering in aching anticipation

To remind us

That there’s more work to do.

[et-tu-iris]

Here’s the thoughts again, muérete. Like wtf? I’m happy… right? Why you tryna kill ME, brain???

[et-tu-iris]

So I never posted about my first Danza ceremony. Tlazcamati noyolikniwan! I am so grateful we got to dance together and persevere despite the heat.

Wish I had the words to describe the prayer that emanated from each person’s bones.

Upon reflection, I realize that the words don’t come because there is grief blocking my voice. Grief due to the watering down of our indigenous identity.

It’s hard to address because many in the Danza community are holding tight to beliefs, ideas, and words that are simply fabrications, mystic myths that romanticize our past without acknowledging indigenous present. Witnessing the “declaration of kwawtemok” just proved that once again.

Anyway, movement is beautiful.

[et-tu-iris]

1.31.23

Sometimes curiosity makes me wonder, “what if I kill myself?”

But I know I can’t say that out loud to anyone. I don’t wish to worry anyone.

But the thought does come up.

What if I died?

How long would it take for the people in my life to forget? To be okay?

Or would it be a relief?

Thank fuck she’s gone

Obviously never would anyone admit, but maybe, just maybe, I take up too much space and I’d serve the world better as fertilizer.

[et-tu-iris]

In the middle of a career and life transition, 11.13.22

Maestra no more, but still there for the kids when they need me.

Educator forever, but. The focus is on my learning right now.

Spirituality is blooming, still uncomfortable.

[et-tu-iris]

Sometimes I wonder, is it capitalism, or ADHD?

[et-tu-iris]

Tea blends

2022

[et-tu-iris]

Don’t give up on things that look dead

[wenchyfloozymoo]

[et-tu-iris]

You think it’s possible for companies to provide paid training for people working in the fossil fuel industry so they can transfer into the renewable energy industry without having to lose their livelihood? That’s one of the biggest deterrents right? Leaving people without a job? So why not help these people learn new skills without having to go back to school or getting into debt? Especially those who have worked in fossil fuels their whole life. That would be great because it’s time to ante up...

[et-tu-iris]

Slowly but surely

[et-tu-iris]

Added the potato plants to the garden, worried about my little tomato plants though

[et-tu-iris]

6.25.20

[et-tu-iris]

7.1.20

I got a little greenhouse to keep my seedlings in

[et-tu-iris]

7.14.20

Added a trellis for the cucumber plant and staked the squash plant

[et-tu-iris]

8.10.2020

Possible reasons my cucumbers started dying:

I damaged them when I put them on the trellis,

The ants/bugs ate it up,

The plants were too close together,

They were infected with fungus

8/16/20 

My zucchini (squash) plant was in fact infected by some kind of fungus, so I bought some fungicide and sprayed the cucumbers and zucchini. 

The insecticide and fungicide really helped my cucumber plants, for a second I thought they were goners, but 2 plants survived!

8/16/2020

I ended up moving the greenhouse to the side of the house because it’s been unbearably hot and all my seedlings got burnt up, in part because of my watering habits, but mostly because I didn’t provide ventilation.

I’ve been taking better care of the greenhouse (mist 2-3 times a day) and the seedlings are doing great. 

[et-tu-iris]

They’re all dead

[et-tu-iris]

I hold things I’m too afraid to explain, explanations that to many would seem futile or even capricious, but fuck it’s so heavy and I don’t know how much longer I can carry this.

[et-tu-iris]

Slowly but surely

[et-tu-iris]

Added the potato plants to the garden, worried about my little tomato plants though

[et-tu-iris]

6.25.20

[et-tu-iris]

7.1.20

I got a little greenhouse to keep my seedlings in

[et-tu-iris]

7.14.20

Added a trellis for the cucumber plant and staked the squash plant

[et-tu-iris]

8.10.2020

Possible reasons my cucumbers started dying:

I damaged them when I put them on the trellis,

The ants/bugs ate it up,

The plants were too close together,

They were infected with fungus

8/16/20 

My zucchini (squash) plant was in fact infected by some kind of fungus, so I bought some fungicide and sprayed the cucumbers and zucchini. 

The insecticide and fungicide really helped my cucumber plants, for a second I thought they were goners, but 2 plants survived!

8/16/2020

I ended up moving the greenhouse to the side of the house because it's been unbearably hot and all my seedlings got burnt up, in part because of my watering habits, but mostly because I didn't provide ventilation.

I’ve been taking better care of the greenhouse (mist 2-3 times a day) and the seedlings are doing great. 

[et-tu-iris]

Slowly but surely

[et-tu-iris]

Added the potato plants to the garden, worried about my little tomato plants though

[et-tu-iris]

6.25.20

[et-tu-iris]

7.1.20

I got a little greenhouse to keep my seedlings in

[et-tu-iris]

7.14.20

Added a trellis for the cucumber plant and staked the squash plant

[et-tu-iris]

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott signals support as Austin weighs fines for people not wearing face masks

In a letter to Austin's mayor, Abbott said the city's consideration of new enforcement measures "to ensure compliance with my Executive Orde

If people didn’t politicize a VIRUS and wore a mask for the safety of their friends and neighbors instead of seeing everything that doesn’t tangibly benefit them as an infringement on their rights we wouldn’t NEED the threat of a $250 fine. But money’s the only language we understand. Get it? Like high schoolers who don’t put their phone away in class despite it being for their own good, in respect of their peers and teachers: schools now have $15 fines for phone confiscations. Americans are real good at shooting themselves in the foot. Negative reinforcement is the American way.