here is a lil personal writing iβve done. this is for everyone iβve liked and loved, a letter to them that will only ever reach the void.
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but mostly iβve learned a lot.
i hope you learn as much as i have from you.
i still have never learned much about computers, but everytime i go to best buy or everytime my laptop breaks, i think of asking you for your knowledge.
and i know you always wanted me to play video games with you, like all the cute gamer couples on instagram, and i never did. i play more games now, games i never thought to play and ones you had bugged me for ages to play. you were right, i do enjoy them.
i still think of our sayings that developed over time, all the misspoken words and redeveloped sentence structures. they come to mind whenever i want to tell a new partner i love them or i want to playfully call them names, but it feels wrong to use these for a new person.
we played house, you played working husband, tired everyday but waking up to coffee and coming home to dinner and shared youtube videos. i played wife, making your morning coffee and dinner, working at the bank and trying to fix your problems as i out mine aside.
i think we were too young for this grown and settled life we tried to make. barely even 21, and you two years below.
i think i wanted the comfort of stability, or what tv showed me was stability, after years of opposite. but it always felt wrong, felt boring, felt unnatural for that time in my life.
i saw everyone around me going out and having fun, being trashy and silly and free and normal 29 somethingβs. i felt deep down that i was hiding from that, pretending to like being settled down and βoldβ. βi got all that out at 17β, i said, but i donβt think i really said it.
i hope you are getting to experience being a 29 something now, however that means for you. and i think in your own way you are, and i think i am too.
we were too young to be so old.
i donβt think we were very really much, maybe more of the in-between-other-people area.
you treated me with kindness, got me a soda bottle of flowers from an old man at a diner, gave me comfort after hard times. i cared for you, too drunk for your own good, and gave you comfort after hard times.
never official, but everyone thought we were. after a time of trying to correct, we just stopped because it was easier for the outside view.
i think not being official was good for both of us, a new dynamic to push us to where we needed to go without harsh rules.
a way for us to learn more about ourselves, even if it was just the baby steps of progress.
i canβt wait for you to find your next real thing, and i canβt wait for you to see me find mine.
you are the biggest impact on my life thus far.
youβve taught me things about myself i never knew i could explore. never knew i could progress. never knew i could learn.
but our situation is hard, for me itβs never something i thought i would be caught in and for you itβs been your life for many years. after us, we are both parting ways with the situation, itβs too straining to feel that much.
you donβt put me down for my ideas.
you donβt put me down for my looks.
you donβt put me down for my abilities or lack thereof.
you teach me all the manly things iβve wanted to do but never have a chance for.
you teach me to be stronger and scarier, more loving and considerate.
mostly though, youβve taught me to never settle for less. and let me see what less was in my life and let me see what more was too.
i will be pickier for you, because i know my worth more now.
i will always carry you with me,
with your recipes i dare now ever share
with your twang that comes through every so often
with your loving support for mr dreams
and with your threats to anyone who treats me less than ever again.
you are the ones i never got to know but always wanted to.
the ones i acted too awkward around, hardly talked to out of fear for rejection, the ones that seem out of reach for being not your type in my kind.
you are gone from my heart but not forgotten, you are here still but not for long.
i saw you online for years, mutuals.
you were new but still safe enough to not be so scary and unvetted.
we donβt have all that much in common, only a few surface level things and people.
i think i was trying to push for something, anything in my life at that time and you were there.
i think itβs good much never worked out, although i would still see you as a friend if we happened across each other again.
i got a new part of my life from you, i hope you see on facebook that the cat is doing well always.
i hope you and your partner do well always, itβs good to see you got your connection.
you were my first crush here and i really tried not to. i didnβt come here for that.
you were nice, you were yourself, dork and all.
weβve shared our handful of drinks out, it was nice exchanging car stories and stories of exes and general past life chaos.
you showed me your taste in music, and now those have been my top genres, songs, and artists for the last 8 months and counting.
i was not the right one. i wasnβt in the right space for anything and i think you could see that, and maybe i wasnβt the right one for you too.
i hope someday soon you can make your way back to the career you lived before pay took a hit and forced you out.
i hope you and your partner do well, itβs good to see you got your connection.
iβve never known you much, only through mutuals at best. weβve barely even talked.
you seem true though, real passions real feelings real life.
i hope to know you more someday, for now i can only know you through social media.
i canβt quite tell if thereβs too many or too little similarities, and i canβt quite tell if that will cause problems or not.
sometimes i feel like iβm trying to be you too much, but thatβs what having similar passions probably feels like when in a crush.
or maybe itβs not even a crush, but a longing for that shared passion that i gave up and desperately want back, and i am trying to live through your life.
i hope you continue to succeed and learn and i canβt wait to see what you accomplish.
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thanks for reading, i hope you found some connection in your own life and feelings with this, or maybe just had a fun time reading.
be well, and wish well on all.
titsay
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis
izzy806
kianamaiart
theartofmadeline
