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Life continues to move even when we feel like we need a breather. With the access of having a phone to quickly snap a photo anytime and catch snippets of it on a video, we catch glimpses of those moments that we might’ve not had enough time to linger on or give it enough of our attention in the moment because - life continues to happen.

But ever so often, we get a pocket of breath - like today - as I write this. A pocket of time where the mind has enough left in it and nostalgia pulls you in to the state of mind to finally give that moment its due attention.

The moment chosen for today is the day we miscarried for the first time. I knew I always wanted to write about it but never really being able to put things into words nor make up my mind on what was actually happening within myself.

But almost 3 years after the incident - I find myself looking back at that pivotal moment in time - revisiting it and see the ripples that it has sent to my present self.

I am writing this, from a completely different place in life. A full time mom vs a working mom. A mom of 1 vs a mom of 2 going on 3. A mom who lost 1 baby vs a mom who lost 2.

Many things have happened in that 3 years but going through the first loss made me reckon with things I simply bulldozed through before. And this is how it has changed who I was and who I am.

After being told that there was no heartbeat - we chose to wait for another month before the body would take its natural course to abort the pregnancy as opposed to going in for a d&c. And we knew that was the right thing to do. In that month, I had the most supportive group of coworkers who knew I would drop off the grid for a week when it happened. I was determined to continue life as usual and not dwell on the loss. It was after-all no big deal, right? So, on the day of the actual miscarriage - I went ahead with a training that was planned weeks ahead because I did not want to reschedule. Of course there were signs. I was already bleeding that morning - but I did not want to cancel. As a result, I was stuck in a uni bathroom - heavy bleeding and needed my mom to come and help me out. And then be caught in traffic while going through the sharp labor pains before finally gaining relief once we got home. And that was it - my body had ended the pregnancy.

I did not grieve. Probably because I already knew what was going to happen. Or maybe I did not want to let myself do that because dwelling on it would’ve made no difference. And maybe I wanted to let future me deal with it - and dealing with it I am.

The whole incident put me in a situation where I deeply questioned my own need to people please and what my career meant to me. Maybe I was already on the brink of a burn out because I was constantly feeling like I wasn’t doing enough - yet also feeling overwhelmed. It made me relook at my inability to say “no” and put my own needs first. Coupled with some not great management- I made the decision to eject myself from my job - where satisfaction felt extremely fleeting.

Little did I know - I was about land myself into an even worse situation but that’s reflection for another day - the death of my corporate career.

The questions that i incessantly continued to ask myself that day, will propel me down the path that I have taken today - to learn to advocate for myself - even when the culture says this is how things need to be done - without being disrespectful or feeling the need to invalidate another’s truth in order to validate my choices in life.

To a certain extent, I’d like to think I see life with a certain clarity on this side - yet - as I look back at old photos I do see that I am constantly battling a cynicism and pessimistic view of the world and people; one that is tempted to distrust and label - then I remember - I am able to just be. And let people just do their thing.

I just need to recognize the providence and calling of the moment - and everything else will sort itself out.

The Lord has been good to us. The experience of loss and subsequent grief is one I’ve allowed myself to not resist because if not learnt, I might find myself back in the same places again and again. I have learnt that in the wrestling, to relent and allow for life to be restored - not by me - but by the One who holds it all in Him.

Of Friendships

I’ve not written in a while as I found few things that I wanted to record longer than an Instagram post would permit. But for this - I wish to muse a little longer than usual - as it is, like many things in life - an opinion that will take a lifetime to form. Friendships. Deep ones. The ones where you invest your time, effort, tears and youth - without even knowing or counting the cost because it feels right to do such a thing when you find kindred spirits that you somehow build a life long community with - or so I thought.

So here goes.

I once believed that as long as we give it our all to try - try to communicate until our logic breaks down - to the point where we no longer see the reason for this disagreement - these friendships will follow us till eternity.

This time, however, seems to not be the case. No matter how much tears and time have been given - there are friendships that have to be let go.

I always thought I could mediate. I always believed in us. Nevertheless, life has its own plans. As the numbers on our age continue to inflate disproportionately with our wisdom, friendship will evolve - our experiences and new relationships bring us down different paths in life.

And that’s OKAY. Friendships close as family - eventually come around. Like family - it’s a matter of expectations. Familiarity demands a particular way of things being done - but that’s also where the expectations of the other might reach a level where the relationships becomes a burden and no longer a joy.

이렇게 사는게 좀 아니다 - as difficult as it is - we should try our best to find joy in all our friendships and relationships. And if that means letting the friendship take on a form that might be completely foreign to your current understanding of what it should be - then so be it.

As the “big day” draws near, the one thing that is able to drown out the anxiety and the excitement is the longing for my dad’s presence on that day.

And that is the hardest part. Not the arguments that we get into; not the flare ups that happen or the cancelled attendance - but the deep sense of loss that comes in waves.

It comes quietly when you are thinking through the sequence of the day. It creeps up on you when you are preparing the wedding booklet. It settles in when you’re in a middle of an argument and you remember the days your parents were arguing. It shouts at you when you talk about the future with your future spouse and you think - your dad once was in his shoes - having hopes and dreams for the future where you exist.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to miss the lost loved one. But I’ve learnt it is not okay to feel that way to the point that your significant other feels you being taken away - lost in your thoughts. It is not okay when your SO is not given in to this part of your life because you think he wouldn’t understand.

Dad, your presence will be deeply missed on August 31st.

Goodbyes

They never get any easier.

But they’re never easy because every hello that leads to a life long relationship; whether by blood or otherwise - is so worth it.

Psalm 116

I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.

Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.

The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish.

Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, I pray, deliver my soul!"

Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful.

The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling;

I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

I believed, even when I spoke: "I am greatly afflicted";

I said in my alarm, "All mankind are liars."

What shall I render to the LORD for all his benefits to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD,

I will pay my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

O LORD, I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant. You have loosed my bonds.

I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD.

I will pay my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people,

in the courts of the house of the LORD, in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the LORD!

Teach the Word with caution and care.

Teach the Word with love.

Teach the Word with awe.

Why do bad things happen to good people? That only happened once, and he volunteered.

RC Sproul

To love without the gospel is risky business

Pursuit of Perfection

This pursuit is not a bad pursuit - until it becomes the ultimate pursuit.

In the process one’s expectations get out of hand and we find ourselves lost in a web of unmet expectations - filled with frustration.

This too is Hebel.

May I learn to store up treasures in Heaven.

Welcome home

I know - as Christians, we are supposed to long to hear the words

“Well done”

But in all honesty - the words my heart longs to hear when I see Him is “welcome home, my child”

For when I’m with Him, I’m home. I guess that’s where a lot of my theology is bent towards. True - it probably causes a lot of blind spots - but the thought of being able to go Home - makes me want to live this life well - and till then learn to make this place look more and more like Home - so that it shows people that in within their hearts reside a desire for this Place.

And there is only One way there.

When I decided to stop waiting

I realized - I wasn’t frozen. And I didn’t walk away. I didn’t throw myself a pity party. It probably hurt (?) a little - but ultimately - it was liberating.

When I decided to stop waiting - I found the freedom to love because I was no longer waiting to respond to a person’s actions. I didn’t need to. I was freed to respond to God’s love instead.

Somewhere along the way you realize - it really is that - only in Christ are we freed from the perpetual cycle of passiveness to love or to love because we will be loved in return.

Our love no longer demands a response from the one loved because it is a response to the One who first loved us (1 John 4:19)

How Sin seduced the strongest, wisest and godliest.

Broken People, Broken Savior

Even as Good Friday and Easter has passed - the brokeness around me remains ever so real.

A dear friend geographically impossible to reach and a dear friend spiritually impossible to reach - I can but sit here and remind myself - I serve a good and faithful savior - a broken savior. A savior who can go into the depths of their despair and sorrow- places where if i were to be honest with myself, wish I will never have to be - for he himself has been broken; a man of sorrow.

In the midst of it all - only he can make everything wrong right again.

Do you know this man, Jesus Christ?

Eternal Longings

Marking the end of a phase in life - a phase that ended a while back - I also decided to rename this space. No - not after mulling over the significance of changing the name and sitting for hours thinking of a new one. I simply looked at it and figured - eh - “notdefinedbytheworld” does not fit anymore.

When I first started this space for writing and spewing my thoughts, I had a rather different set of struggles. I could not understand how I fit into this world - thus “notdefinedbytheworld” sort of gave me an identity that made me feel a belonging beyond this world that I could not seem to fit into.

Then came adulthood. I started learning the ropes to life. I started understanding that everyone is still figuring this out - and the ones who think they have are fooling themselves. I also learnt that we never really arrive. If we are brave enough to look at ourselves beyond the facade demanded of us - we find deep deep longings to belong to a world we have heard of but have never known.

I also started reading this book called the Bible. And I learnt that there is “nothing new under the sun”. No matter how smart, or how brilliant one may be, no matter how great the grief or how deep the sorrow one may feel; the human experience and the human condition is one that has been carefully and thoughtfully authored since the beginning of time - and in this book is recorded the problem, the solution and the future as well as the purpose of life here on earth. I am very much in intellectual and emotional agreement of all that I have read and understood thus far.

And so? - one may ask.

And so - as I look into the Mirror I begin to see and understand my own design. The search for identity stopped the day I got to know my Maker - instead, the search became a longing. The desires, the sadness, the joy - everything in life - everything right and everything wrong - started to feed into a deeper longing for a restored world. One where I finally get to see Jesus - face to face.

Eternal longings - every moment spent longing can feel like eternity for I cannot perceive eternity nor know when the longing will be satisfied. But I get to believe in a gospel that tells me, there will come a day - where these longings will no longer be eternal - for they will cease and every moment will be lived just as it should be. What feels like an eternal longing will be but a temporary longing for eternity.

Till that day comes - may my love for my Savior grow ever more real, and ever more sweet as I grow ever more aware of my dependence on God’s grace to do all things - through all seasons of life.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! - Psalm 139:23-24

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.

- Psalm 72:26

Keep His words close to your heart and pray that you will flee folly. Our feet are on slippery ground - lest we forget we are held accountable for our every thought, word and action. The moment one begins to look within - the darkness forces you to look without for salvation - and indeed in Christ - we have that confidence - to boldly proclaim the words of this psalm in faith - to find satisfaction in nothing else but in the One we have been created by, through and for.

Sleep well, for the striving has ceased.

But what I discovered was that a week or two after studying them, I couldn’t remember all the pieces of the argument. I remembered that the argument seemed solid, but I couldn’t reproduce the argument in the present moment. And what made this troubling was not mainly that I couldn’t remember all the steps in the argument for the sake of the debate, but worse, I couldn’t remember them all for the sake of my soul. And on top of that, there was the nagging sense that I would meet some highly educated person who would point to something in my argument that I had overlooked, and I would be stumped. So basing my confidence on a fairly sophisticated sequence of history and logic felt fragile to me.

John Piper

On the arguments of the reliability of the Bible

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