Etiquette: A Lost Art?

Proper Girl

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Wedding Planning Mania

Since getting engaged a couple of months ago, I’ve been in the thick of wedding planning. It’s been a busy and exciting time - looking at venues, booking major vendors, and gathering inspiration for the big day. One thing I’ve heard a lot of since getting engaged is how stressful the planning process can be. During the course of every day conversation, I inevitably hear from co-workers, friends and family, about how difficult wedding prep is. Now that I am on the road to marriage myself, I can add in my two cents:

Wedding planning is not stressful.

Or at least, it doesn’t have to be.

Let me explain myself. I’m a big believer in putting out what I want to get back. If I thinking of planning a wedding as something that’s anxiety-inducing, then that’s the experience I’ll create for myself. I am purposeful in my choice to be as calm, cool, and collected as possible during this time. Yes, there are a lot of decisions to be made, and yes, a lot of coordination is required. But I’m confident in my ability to pull off the wedding of my dreams sans the drama.

Here are my tips on having a peaceful wedding planning process:

Organization. This is key. I don’t have a wedding coordinator. This means that my fiancé and I are responsible for all aspects of our big day (and as is the experience for most brides, the lion’s share of this will fall to me). Each month I’ve been making a list of things I want to accomplish and so far, I’ve been sticking to it. Being organized up-front will save you a lot of needless stress later on.

Expectations. My fiancé isn’t interested in wedding planning and that’s fine. Anytime I need his input on something (e.g. venue, photographer, our wedding website), I make it super easy for him. For example, when we were choosing a reception site, I strategically booked appointments at halls based on their locations. One day we visited a bunch of venues downtown, the next day we visited a few in the west-end of town.

Relaxation. It’s important for my own sanity that I take a break when I’m feeling stressed out. The first couple of weeks of February were extremely busy for me at work. I had a lot of deliverables due in a short span and had to work a lot of overtime. I took a hiatus from wedding planning because I knew I didn’t want to overextend myself. (One thing I did do was put the finishing touches on our wedding website and send out our e-save the dates, which was super exciting and made it all feel so real.) 

Proper Girl readers, how many of you are brides-to-be? What’s your experience with wedding planning been like? Sound off and send me a message!

-Proper Girl

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Ask Proper Girl: I’m Just Not That Into You

Q: Dear Proper Girl,

I have a friend who I get along decently with. However, when I have to spend extended periods of time with her, she grates on my nerves, and that’s putting it mildly. We’re not particularly close so we only see each other in group social settings. The problem is that every now and then she suggests hanging out one-on-one. I usually just fabricate an excuse (tight work deadlines or family obligations or busy social calendar) but I always feel guilty doing this. Am I a horrible person?

-I’m Just Not That Into You

A: In answer to your question, I provide an emphatic NO – you are not a horrible person. You shouldn’t be forced to endure a person’s company when you have no interest in doing so. I believe what you’re doing is the kinder alternative to bluntly expressing your disdain for her. Continue to make polite excuses.  Eventually she’ll take the hint and give it up.

-Proper Girl

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Some obvious but often overlooked ways on how to be a gracious wedding guest.

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Some Good News

A little under a month ago, something incredibly exciting happened:

I got engaged!

My boyfriend (now fiancé) proposed and I said yes! I am officially off the market. Get ready for some nuptial-inspired posts as I embark on a year of wedding planning.

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Think about netiquette before you tweet an irate rant about your ex’s bad behaviour or instagram a pic of your wild night out.

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2016

Happy New Year Proper Girl readers! 2016 is upon us and I’m so excited for what this year has in store. My holiday break was full of delicious food, tempting drinks, and lots of quality time with friends and family. I wanted to share with you guys some of my resolutions for 2016:

treat my body like the temple it is

live more, laugh more, enjoy more 

stay true to myself and pay attention to my needs

appreciate all that I have

Do you guys make resolutions? Send me a message- I would love to hear some of yours.

-Proper Girl

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Courtesies cannot be borrowed like snow shovels; you must have some of your own.

John Wanamaker

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What my December looks like. This month is chalk full of Christmas parties, gift exchanges, and family get-togethers.

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Yearning for a simpler time.

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My New Rule

I’ve gained many takeaways from Rachel Bertsche’s MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend. Chief among them is the importance of face time. If I want my friendships to flourish, I need to put in the effort. What does this have to do with etiquette? Everything. Anytime we flake on our friends or fail to make plans at all, it is a breach of etiquette. To me, etiquette is about showing the people that we care about how much we value them. Much like plants, without constant nourishment, friendships wither away until they eventually die. We are so mindful of this concept when it comes to our romantic relationships. We schedule date nights at trendy restaurants, we ‘Netflix and chill’, and we go on impromptu weekday adventures with our significant others. Why don’t we try this hard when it comes to our friendships? The importance of friendships on quality of life is huge and too often underestimated. In her book, Bertsche notes a study of Australian participants aged 70+, found that those with many friends “were 22% more likely to survive the next ten years than those with fewer friends. Having a spouse, close relatives, or even lots of loving children, had no impact on survival.”

This has inspired me to make the following resolution: to schedule and keep at least 1 one-one-one friend date per week. At parties or group-hangs, it can be difficult to have meaningful conversations, which is why these individual dates are so important. It basically all boils down to this: I want my friendships to not merely survive, but thrive. Also, just to be clear, this resolution is focused on my existing friendships; I’m not trying to make new ones (although I do always welcome the possibility).

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve embarked on this friendship experiment and so far, so good. There have been a few scheduling hiccups. In today’s busy, fast-paced world, most girls can relate to the frustration of pulling out the calendar and trying to schedule a mutually agreeable date.

Me: How about Tuesday after work? Her: I have a work event. Sunday brunch? Me: I have a friend’s bridal shower. 2 minutes and many proposed dates and times later... Me: Ok. 3 weeks from Thursday sounds perfect.

Overall though, I’m really pleased with how it’s been going. It’s currently Week 3 and I’ve got a friend date scheduled tomorrow night at a cool restaurant I’ve been wanting to try out. I’ll keep you all updated on how my new rule fares in the coming months.

-Proper Girl

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Good manners have much to do with emotions. To make them ring true, one must feel them, not merely exhibit them.

Amy Vanderbilt

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One of my pet peeves is when friends treat our scheduled hang-outs as optional and bail at the last minute. But sometimes…it’s a secret relief.

-Proper Girl

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The Green-Eyed Monster

I’m still immersed in MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend (masterfully written by Rachel Bertsche) and the topic of friendship remains at the forefront of my mind. I’m at the age where celebrating the big life events of my peers dominate my social calendar: milestone birthdays, well-earned work promotions, weeklong wedding festivities, new homes, first babies. I’m constantly celebrating other people’s achievements and I’m happy to do so…for the most part. I like to think that I’m a good person who is genuinely happy for others’ achievements - and this is true 90% of the time. What about the remaining 10%? Well, this is where the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head.

Watching the bottle service waitress make her way to the booth with sparklers and champagne at yet another birthday bash: Why am I gracing her with my presence when she didn’t come to my birthday dinner this year?

At drinks to celebrate his big promotion at work: How did he land this promotion? He doesn’t work nearly as much overtime as I do.

At the umpteenth wedding of the summer: When will I get married?

What is the cause of my sometimes jealousy? What triggers it? Why can’t I be happy for others all the time? I can trace these fleeting feelings of envy to periods of dissatisfaction within my own life. For example, at my old job, I felt like I was stuck. I knew I didn’t want to stay, but the idea of embarking on a job hunt seemed so daunting. During this period, whenever I would hear about my peers getting promotions or making the jump to new companies, the green-eyed monster would emerge, fueled by my own insecurities. One day I came to a realization, which was so jarringly simple: If I don’t want to be jealous of other people, I should focus on making myself happy. It felt like a light bulb had gone off in my brain. Armed with that simple truth, I refocused on me:

• I landed a new job with higher pay and better work/life balance • I indulged in more relaxation time (i.e. bubble baths galore) • I put a premium on my fitness and started hitting the gym regularly (this is a constant work-in-progress) • I stopped worrying about societal-imposed timelines in regards to my relationship and instead vowed to appreciate my guy for who he is and all that he does for me

I’m far from perfect and I still feel twinges of jealousy here and there. That’s normal. But the 10% has gone down to 2% and I’m much happier. Do any of you struggle with the green-eyed monster? How do you deal with it? Sound off and send me a message.

-Proper Girl

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Words to live by.

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Whenever two people come together and their behavior affects one another, you have etiquette.

Emily Post

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Some of My Favourites

I will be reintroducing the Ask Proper Girl feature to this blog in the coming weeks, but in the mean time, I wanted to share some of my favourite advice columns. I frequent these sites on a weekly basis. Enjoy!

Dear Prudence (straight talk for all demographics) - http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html

Miss Manners (a traditional and classic viewpoint)  - https://www.washingtonpost.com/miss_manners/2010/07/06/AB97r7D_linkset.html

Cosmopolitan (bold dating, relationship and sex advice ) - http://www.cosmopolitan.com/dating-relationship-advice/

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Squad Goals

I know that this is becoming a constant refrain, but once again I apologize for my long absence. Poor as an excuse this may be, life has a way of thwarting even the best of intentions. Lately, I’ve been pondering the friendships in my life. This was spurred on after I started to read the novel MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend, penned by the charming and relatable Rachel Bertsche. The basic premise of the book is the author’s search for a new Best Friend Forever after relocating to Chicago. It provides a fascinating, in-depth look into female friendships.

One thing that this book has reinforced to me is how meaningful actions are over words and how important it is to strengthen social bonds through deeds, attitude, and behavior. It’s so easy for friendships to fall the by the wayside as work deadlines, family commitments, and relationship drama often take precedence. But none of these things provide the same social reinforcement and long-term health benefits as lasting friendships.

After the death of a close friend early this year, I realized how much I valued my friendships and made a concerted effort to convey this to my best gal pals. Here are some of the steps I have taken:

• Separately messaging friends outside of group chats to strengthen those individual bonds • Mailing whimsical cards for birthdays, Valentine’s day, and random occasions (e.g. my best friend was going through a difficult break-up, so I sent her a fun card to brighten her spirits) • Calling friends to wish them bon voyage before they embark on big trips • Giving cute housewarming gifts to those friends who became home owners (e.g. a personalized welcome mat, a house survival kit filled with treats, etc.) • Making more of an effort to make plans (nothing beats an in-person hang, but if you’re strapped for time, remember this: in person > phone call > email > text)

How do you show your friends that you care? Do you notice when your friends do special things for you? Sound off and send me a message!

-Proper Girl