33
Last few hours of being 32!
It's almost my bed time but I wanted to reflect a little bit about 32.
32 was unexpectedly hard.
The primary theme of 32 was our TTC journey. By this time, we had only been trying for a year which I fully understand, is nothing compared to many others who had been TTC much longer than us. However, I feel that because of my age, not conceiving after a year gives more sense of urgency ... Meanwhile, lots of friends around us announcing their pregnancies, most didn't even need to struggle or wait, all of that were so apparent across social media and it serves as painful reminders that I am not capable of having what they have. I'd like to reiterate again that my situation in hindsight, is not that bad, however, the constant exposure to it on social media contributed to the feeling of comparison. Also, at this time, I still subscribe to the prosperity type of gospel "if I just have enough faith, God will give me what I want" so it was a struggle to pray about this every night. I questioned if my prayer was even right because deep down, I always knew that it's God's will, not mine.
As the year went by, God was gracious to change my heart and mind. He led us to a new church where we get to call home, one that is biblically sound and encourages me dig deeper into the Word. Slowly (and painfully if I may add), God transformed my heart into understanding His plan. I have now understood that becoming parents is a privilege, not a right. No one deserves a right to a child which means, we are to not have the mindset of "doing whatever it takes to conceive because we deeply long for a child". It is why we wholeheartedly chose to not pursue IUI or IVF because we don't want to take conception out of its natural environment as God designed it.
I now understand that even if God decides in all His perfect wisdom to not gives us children, that is all good because He knows what's best for us. I also understand especially as Christians, this is so painful to accept. Be fruitful and multiply is literally God's command to us. We are called to have children! This is a perfectly good and acceptable wish to have so why would God not give that to us?
Simple. Because our purpose in life is to glorify God, not to be a mother, not to be a wife, or anything else you can think of. Those are secondary. Our first calling as a Christian is to serve God. Now, if He decides to bless me with children, that purpose still remains because it doesn't matter what title we have, everything we do should always point back to glorifying God. When I got to this understanding, it was like unlocking a new level of freedom. I stopped tracking everything, I stopped obsessing about researching more information about fertility, and I slowly stopped becoming jealous of those friends who were blessed with children. Instead, I chose to be grateful for what He already blessed me with: a wonderful loving husband, a supportive family, great job with great colleagues and manager, and just the time spent with my loved ones. In late September, we went on a roadtrip to celebrate our anniversary and it awaken our sense of adventure once again. I realized that in the obsession of TTC, we have not done what we enjoyed the most: exploring the outdoors. In fact, we haven't done lots of things that we enjoyed because our thoughts were constantly revolved around TTC.
So, in December, to celebrate our 9th year bf/gf anniversary, we bought my dream car and we promised to take a trip on monthly basis (still working on this lol but we're getting better). We returned to Zion in January, and Bryce in April. We're planning camping trips to Bishop, Mammoth and Kings Canyon for summer AND we are finally planning to hike Big Pine lakes. We realized now that we'll never get this time back if and when we become parents so we want to use this time to really enjoy each other's company :)
It is true that I probably spent many days of 32 crying. My husband can testify to this and I am SO THANKFUL that he is able to handle that so well lol (it probably drive him crazy too at times). But it's also true that I spent even more days being in awe of what God is doing in my life. I am thankful that while TTC seemed to robed me of my joy (at first!), it also helped me pursue God deeper than I could've imagined. If I didn't experience it, my faith would've never grown. Sometimes, we have to experience the uncomfortable season so we can grow and be mature in our faith.
My prayer is that God continues to use me in this season to be a blessing to others, however that may look. 32, you were horribly GREAT. I loved being 32, I loved all the memories, and I can't wait to make new ones this year.












