The Former Eternal Ends Here

Hi. Angel. Thirty year old euphoric wanderer.

[euphoricwander]

Christmas and New Year's eve blues.

These two celebrations have never been the same since my grandma passed 5 years ago and it's getting "plain" and sad over the years if I may add.

It's usually a big celebration for us this time of the year with the cousins and relatives coming together to eat and sing Christmas songs all thru the night. Now for the last couple years it has only been us (parents and siblings). I mean I am thankful and blessed to be able to spend it with them and we are complete, but I am missing the big celebrations, the noise, laughter, banters and arguments and just the whole shenanigans.

This is also the time I usually miss my grandma more and remember her smile and her laugh cos she is the light and star of our Christmases for years. The glue that sticks our family together.

Anyway, it's 11:30 pm and I'm still in bed writing this while I hear the blasting sounds of music and firecrackers of the other people celebrating outside. In 15 mins I'd probably go down the living room and wait for the countdown, celebrate the new year with the family, eat some desserts then call it a night.

Hoping next year's celebration would be by the beach with the fam watching some fireworks display lol

Happy new year to you who will read this! Praying for good health and sound mind for all of us this coming year.

[euphoricwander]

Have I not really posted here for almost two years?

The last time I wrote something here was in December. . Of 2022!! And it was privately posted too. Whoah whoah whoah.

Where have I been and what have I been doing?? I never deleted the app but yes I rarely opened it. There you go that's your answer..

I can't be bothered to write anything long atm as it's 1 am and I'm not in the right headspace for it.

I'm doing alright though. I mean, I'm not at my best but I am fine. I hope whoever is reading this (yes, YOU!) is in a much better place than I am. I hope you are slaying life and adulthood. Rooting for you!

If not, then cheers 🍻 you're not alone. It'll all pass, just one day at a time, darling xx I am rooting for you too ;)

[euphoricwander]

How's everybody doing? At this point, "everybody" means any one who ends up reading this.

I think most, if not all, people moved on with their lives and are no longer part of Tumblr. I still wonder how this platform isn't dead yet. I'd be devastated if that time comes because I have documented most of my college days over here and shared to the world my deepest, darkest thoughts for years. I've shared monumental and mundane things. It was what it was back then. I totally miss the old days when people write instead of making of reels/tiktoks and exaggerating stuff and clickbait-ing to go viral. Anyway, again it was what it was and it is what it is now.

To be honest I come here almost everyday for a few seconds just to check if people I follow wrote something new and/or gave updates with their lives and almost everyday, I get disappointed because it's silent. It gives me joy to see and read things from people I follow when they share and write something. I appreciate you guys and please know that I read and I listen. Keep doing it. You're a legend!

Life updates:

On work: I marked my sixth year working last July 1st and it still seemed like yesterday when I was writing about it here. (If you're bored and got nothing to do you can find it on my page. It isn't a difficult task because I barely post anyway so you'll find it in no time.) I've been thinking of resigning but can't afford to. I seem more broke now than when I started working. No matter how many influencers/digital nomads I follow say to just quit the 9-5 and try "living your best life, you won't regret it" etc. . I just can't seem to do that. It's just not for me. I'm just thinking of applying for other jobs and I'm terrified. Imagine all the interviews and exams I have to go thru again. Nope. Not again. Deep down I want to leave but we'll deal with that later on.

On relationships: I cut off ties with someone I used to talk to everyday for years. We both have to move on, it (whatever that was) wasn't working anymore and I was growing to hate him a little bit daily but not more than I hate myself for putting him through all that. He deserves better. It's been two months of almost no communication. This is for the best. And yes, I'll keep telling myself that until I don't remember.

On friendships: Being single on a group of friends who have partners takes a toll on you sometimes especially when the topic of the conversation is about it. I hate being the center of attention. I even made an excuse (half lie, half truth) the last time the group tried to get together because 1) I've grown to hate the crowd because of the pandemic and I don't like socializing at all lately, 2) i was actually busy with work and 3) the topic of me getting a boyfriend will be brought up again (e.g. they'll partner me up with our other friend who they all know has nothing there yet they still like to poke or my colleague who has a girlfriend it's getting annoying some times etc etc. I like me single and it's all I've known for years and I'm comfortable with it. Just leave me be!! 🥲

Tumblr, you really are my safe space. Twitter used to be but it's been ran over by kpops, cryptos and politics. I haven't tweeted in six months. I don't feel as safe there anymore. Maybe it's time to make a new one, away from all the people I know in person but it's gonna take some energy and I don't have that in me. I really am losing this game. I really need a vacation. Good night.

[euphoricwander]

Is this what adult-ing feels like?

Like you are lost?

Constantly reminded that I'm nowhere near my goals, whatever those are because they're changing and most definitely not concrete

I was never a visionary anyway.. i'm more like "don't think about tomorrow, it'll think about itself" kinda person (which maybe is a little too immature for some people but that's just who I am)

maybe midlife crisis? Is this it? I'm questioning my decisions and regretting things and then the next hour, I am okay with that I am/have?

Like i crave more

but dont do more

and still feel like i have done enough

and i am never satisfied

what am i looking for???! Is there even something missing??

Can i unsubscribe my adult subscription in life please

[euphoricwander]

Okay. Tomorrow I'll be back to work after a week off. This is the first time in five years that I didn't go anywhere for my annual leave. Tbh I find it complicated to travel these days because of the ever changing protocols of each local government unit. It's different from town to town and for every resort/hotel/tourist destination. So really I didn't bother to make plans at all. Everybody kept on asking me where I'll be and they didn't believe me when I said I'll just be home; and that is where I was. I cleaned and did loads of laundry and watched tv and slept and ate a lot like the good old days. I'm not even guilty. Did I wish I was somewhere? Not really. The idea really did not interest me much because travel is such a hassle these days anyway and I just didn't have that desire in me. Maybe next year.

These days off got me thinking too. The idea of resigning has been on my mind for quite some time now. Lately work has been...how do I put it... "suffocating" and "dull"? Due to some units' errors and of course the pandemic, we underwent ~dramatic~ changes this year. It feels like being scrutinized for every thing that we are doing. Like they are accusing us of doing something the other units did. Now every move should be checked up to the tiniest of detail and I really really do not like feeling like this. For years I have been 'freely' doing my job but now there are a lot of rules and 'checkpoints' and it has stressed me/us out (still does!). Fyi, we haven't failed an audit under my work. Sometimes it's a bit too much but can't complain because it's 'management rule'. I do understand where they are coming from but some rules just doesn't make sense and it is delaying the process we are used to. Anyway, just needed to vent it out so tomorrow I can breathe a little.

I still haven't decided if I will pursue this because finding another job today will be a challenge and I'm not sure I'm up for a series of interviews and exams and adjusting to another environment again. If anything, my colleagues are the ones holding me back. It's gonna be so hard to leave them. It's just a thought that keeps on popping out once in awhile--- which I had time to think about this past few days.

I hope you are not in a chaotic situation as I am. Have a good week ahead!

[euphoricwander]

October 7th

Not a good day at work. I was reprimanded by someone from another branch for not checking/monitoring my document well. I know it was my fault because I was looking for something that has been “out” for 6 months now. It’s an “important document” as what she said. There’s really no need to tell me that cos I fucking know and I was only asking. I wasn’t putting the blame on you in the first place. There was really no need to call me out and she could have ended that thread early but she needed to say her piece. I feel belittled to be honest and dumb for one honest mistake. I didn’t argue that I already emailed her before and didn’t get a reply. The fault was really on me for not monitoring it well and taking time to call when I could have back in July. I should have known better. I just fucking hate the fact that I got judged for one mistake. I can understand if we already had the same situation before but it was a first and it was like she exploded. Like downright irritated. I was shocked. She could’ve said it nicely too. It’s just the way it sounded in my head that I can’t get rid off. And we’re speaking via email fyi. Maybe I’m just overthinking this. Probably not. Or maybe she’s having a bad day or something. Anyway I didn’t get to share this with my closest friends at work because it was a busy day and I didn’t want to add to their stress any more. So I have it all bottled up. Thank you Tumblr for always having my back. I wish I could erase this part in my brain forever. Or I can get over it soon. Fucking hate feeling shit

[euphoricwander]

realized i haven’t posted photos in months maybe years so here’s a picture of my sleeping cat earlier today

I’m at the point of my life where I love breads. I really am not fond of them especially the pastries on display because as a child I grew up thinking that local bakeries sold breads/pastries that are not fresh aka from yesterday’s sale. Anyway, new bakeries have been emerging in my city this year and I grew to love them. My colleagues said it’s me entering into the “tita life” as what we call it over here. I guess I am. I also have been watching cooking videos and clips over the past two years as a result of the pandemic (thank you tiktok for the countless number recipes i tried). Been watching more on youtube this month, in fact I just logged out from it prior to writing this and i I cannot wait to cook chicken with pineapples this week or maybe garlic chicken mushroom☺️☺️

[euphoricwander]

One of the things I realized over the last year was how important breathing is. Oxygen is free until you can’t..it costs thousands and thousands and even millions if you’re on ventilator. And that’s just a couple of days/weeks in the hospital. Crazy, right? you’re literally paying to breathe. PAYING. TO. BREATHE.

Thank You Lord for the oxygen we breathe and the ability to do it on our own. 🥲

[euphoricwander]

Oh to be living in a third world country

I know it’s unhealthy to compare your life to someone on the screen but I can’t help it since we have nothing else to do but stay home

I follow someone in New York and they’re out almost everyday and people don’t wear mask anymore while partying or just simply walking down the street.. We still have face shields and face masks when entering some establishments lol

Everybody is in europe, sailing the coasts of italy, eating breakfasts with the swiss alps in view, watching the sun set in santorini or exploring the city of paris.. it looks like wearing a mask is pretty much non existent

I know someone who just walked in at the US airport and got his vaccine for free and he is a tourist there. Don’t get me wrong, vaccines are free here but you can’t just walk in and have it. You have to pre register at the local govt unit etc or wait for the walk in schedules the city has (that’s only been started 3 weeks ago)

we still have lockdown statuses that’s being announced every two weeks and it differs per city/region. Everyday, restrictions change..You can’t even go to the next province without proper identification and rt pcr results

Oh to be living in a third world country

[euphoricwander]

it seems like the world has been crying

Deadly floods in germany, belgium and netherlands (“it doesnt happen in europe”)

an apocalyptic-ish flooding in china (1 year worth of rainfall in the span of 3 days)

and manila has been flooding too

in my city it hasnt stopped raining for a week now, maybe more

the low pressure area/typhoon in the Philippine area of responsibility is far from the northernmost island and it exited a day or two ago

there is another one that’s being observed that’s within but i dont think it’s an official typhoon yet

let’s also note that it has been a weird kind of raining we are experiencing now because there are no lightnings nor thunders. . it’s just an unusual strength of winds followed by a massive amount of rain for a couple minutes and then it’ll completely stop, we’ll get a little sunshine then the dark clouds start to form again, the wind will start hustling and the heavy rain goes down and then repeat

my mother has started elevating things on the gf of the house, paranoid we will get flooded if the cycle doesnt stop

Now I’m finding it hard to sleep because when the rain starts I look outside and watch the pavement for a couple minutes tryna see if there’s flood 🥲

Stay vigilant and safe everyone! Have a good night x

[euphoricwander]

Do you know anyone who posts on a daily, weekly/monthly basis?

Lately, I have been coming a lot on here and just scroll through my dash and it isn’t a lot because most of the people I follow back then aren’t as active today. I really want to surround myself with people who write about their day/week, and just life in general. It can be one liners or a whole damn story book.

Thank you.

[euphoricwander]

July 1, 2016

The day I started working for real in my life. Gosh, the people were so nice! The work was kind of overwhelming because it still feels like a lot to process. There are lots of requirements and steps to be familiar of and I was bombarded with them..I get the big picture as I was a trainee for a lending center and they were very similar except of course they aren’t. The system was different which I think will take me couple of months to master (or at least close to it) and the paperworks–very similar but much more detailed. I don’t understand every bit of the process flow yet but I think with practice and proper guidance, I would be able to.

[euphoricwander]

JULY 01,2021

5 YEARS SINCE MY FIRST DAY AT MY FIRST JOB EVER.

5 YEARS OF WORKING.

First job, first experience. Wow.

I’ve said this before and I will say it again. Time really flies so fast. Especially when you are enjoying it.

I am so thankful for that one day at the university while we were lining up to get our transcripts that a classmate/friend suggested we go apply at this company I never heard of. If it wasn’t for that fateful day..I wouldn’t have met my friends. God knows where I would’ve been now.

Still feels like I’m just winging it. The work I mean. It changes everyday especially the past year because of the pandemic and all the bank/management rules we have to apply and all that. This last half a year have drastically changed. A lot of rules now than when I first started. Sometimes it can be too much because I was so used to a somewhat lawless routine.. now, I feel like every eye is watching my every move. Like you have to be perfect. Every detail. It has to be on par with their standard. Guess I am still adjusting. We all are. Hoping that the next few months will be smooth. The transition is always the hardest. Claiming we will get there soon.

I’ve gained forever friends from my colleagues. The five years have gone by like a blink of an eye. A lot of memories shared together.. from doing overtime work until 11pm and on saturdays, morning meetings, daily lunch gathering, stories shared, birthday celebrations, epic Christmas parties, summer outings, breakfast and dinner dates, hiking mountains, island hopping, jogging and exercising.. and the whole pandemic thing.. there is never a day that has passed that we’ve never laughed over just about any thing. The best kind of people to work with. True the workload can be a lot stressful sometimes but the office atmosphere is always lightened by the 10 people I share it with. It’s so hard to leave because of them.

I’m thankful everyday for this company. And for my colleagues turned lifetime friends.

Will be super bummed once I leave. Not anytime soon though.. but when the time comes for me to. I don’t plan to stay forever. So when that day comes, damn it will be hard.

[euphoricwander]

Another little update

The tooth extraction site is healing well I guess. There’s probably lodged food particles in between because the two sutures there was loose enough to untangle that same night. I can now chew on that part and I used a straw just now to drink my soda and it didn’t hurt as much.

I got swabbed today and in quarantine since Saturday night because one of my colleagues tested positive. Me and the others are just waiting for the result to come out any minute from now. Praying it’s negative.

Work has been crazy lately and we’re closed in the middle of audit period. How inconvenient is that. I’m just imagining the amount of work that just got delayed. Anyway, I’m just glad we got to have a day’s rest today. Tomorrow is another day.

[euphoricwander]

A little update

I got my wisdom tooth extracted today. First time ever. It has been bothering me for more than 7 months already and last week I was on a great deal of pain it was really time to deal and be done with it. My dentist put me on antibiotics and painkiller (which only took effect after 2 days) until this morning. The surgery took less than 40 minutes. I didn’t feel any pain because of the anesthesia but I did feel like they were going to take my jaw away from all the pulling that happened. There was a lot of bleeding (i think something with a “v” on it was accidentally hit idk) so they prescribed me anti bleeding medicine which i took upon arriving home. The bleeding is still ongoing and I have been biting into a gauze with cotton on it to stop the flow and it’s working but I have to replace it every 15/20 minutes. I’m not sure how I could sleep with it. Also, the sutures were untangled so I may have to go back tomorrow to have it stitched back. Until then, eating is not on my list. I hope everything is normal. Wish me luck.

[euphoricwander]

i often daydream of the huge piece of land i am gonna own in the future for my future cats and dogs 🥺🥺

I live with my parents and three siblings and having a dog is already too much for them (not my parents tho cos they love Polar) but i get my siblings especially my younger brother and sister for not being a fan because polar can be too hyper for their energy.. and also she shreds and just jumps and barks and pees anytime she wants.. She’s also not the sweetest dog unlike my first one who was much more clingy but i love her so much.. i would like to give her a sibling though because she’s been alone for 2 years now and it can be pretty lonely and she hasn’t really bonded with any other dog... i just want her to have friends yknow... anyway, i cant add another one because 1) my siblings would be mad at me (they’ll get over it tho 😏) 2) there’s not much space at home really and 3) having a dog is really high maintenance .. like they need TLC and attention!! So one day though i am gonna get that land

when i was young I always wanted to put up an orphanage and name kids.. and it has shifted to putting up a house for the homeless and feeding the poor & hungry

I still wanna do that ofcourse but now i also want my own pet sanctuary.. for the abused and abandoned cats and dogs :( It needs to be far away from the city because dogs can be noisy and also animals need fresh air and a massive space to run their hearts out. I really am not a believer of leashes and cages... It would also be great if it’s near the beach where they can occasionally swim 😭 i am suddenly thinking of the beach resort that is up for sale near where i live.. It would be perfect

One day 🙏🏼

[euphoricwander]

i have been thinking of buying myself a laptop

One, to help me with life altering decisions i am “thinking” of making. It’s the second quarter of the year for goodness sake! I really need to get moving

Two, ‘writing’ blog posts on a small screen is kind of exhausting. I wanna sit and type like a ‘normal’ person and just have a bigger screen like i had back in the days

Also have been thinking of buying me a cat

those flat faced fluffy little cuties are what ive been obsessing over lately :( i really miss having a cat.. to cuddle and kiss and to annoy and i just really miss having that energy within my reach

[euphoricwander]

My thoughts are dangerous.. Is this really worth it all

work has been overwhelming. loads of things to do. the country is in huge debt because of the fucking virus we call politicians. Them and their fucking incompetence. The lockdown is starting again. You cant go anywhere else without submitting yourself to a bunch of requirements and protocols. Add in your personal turmoils to the mix and u live in a fucked up world

i am exhausted i want to scream i want to leeaaaave!!! i want to be in the waters and swim and float around and just pretend everything is alright! That my worst problem is just getting sun burnt

can we just go back to life pre covid!!!!