An American Reviews European Alcohol

My name is Henny (he/they, han/hen) & I was in Sweden for 10 weeks thru www.wwoof.se. The plan was to go to Systembolaget, get turnt & review whatever I drink. Now that I am back in the US, I will be reviewing drinks from all over Scandinavia and Europe in general. Join me, won't you?

[europeiskadrycker]

CENTRALBRYGGERIET, Tappar Finas Pale Ale. 4.8% alcohol This is labeled STARKÖL, but it's less than 5% alcohol. What? I have also noticed a trend in Swedish breweries that their labels are SO PRETENTIOUS. For example, this one says (loosely translated): "A modern craft brewery with roots in Swedish beer history." *furious jerk-off motion* So this stuff is made with corn, oats, wheat, and coriander (which is dried cilantro). That sounds really similar to one of my favorite beers, Lost Coast Brewery's Great White. I'm looking forward to this. Let's rock it. Well... shit! This is, hands down, THE most hops I have tasted since I've come here. I feel like CENTRALBRYGGERIET made this beer on a fucking dare. Can't taste the coriander or any of the grains; it's all hops, all the time. For some background on why hops are so common in beer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hops "In addition to adding flavor to beer, hops are also used in brewing for their antibacterial effect over less desirable microorganisms and for many purported benefits, including balancing the sweetness of the malt with bitterness, contributing a variety of desirable flavors and aromas. Historically, traditional herb combinations for beers were believed to have been abandoned when beers made with hops were noticed to be less prone to spoilage." More Fun Hops Facts: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hops "Hops are also used in herbal medicine in a way similar to valerian, as a treatment for anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia. A pillow filled with hops is a popular folk remedy for sleeplessness, and animal research has shown a sedative effect. The relaxing effect of hops may be due, in part, to the specific degradation product from alpha acids, 2-methyl-3-buten-2-ol, as demonstrated from nighttime consumption of non-alcoholic beer. 2-methyl-3-buten-2-ol is structurally similar to tert-amyl alcohol which was historically used as an anesthetic." Still, as my friend Xoe memorably said, hoppy beer tastes like "mulled fartwater." Give me some of that alcopop cider shit over this any day. D

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HERRLJUNGA Cider, Organic - Elderflower Lime. 4.5% alcohol This is apple cider with elderflower flavor. Since I have been here in Sweden, I have really started to enjoy elderflower-flavored things. My WWOOF hosts make some bad-ass elderflower syrup, which goes really fucking well with their SodaStream. I have had it with every meal since I got here. LET'S DO IT! Well, it smells like... apple. And it tastes... like apple with fake lime flavor. No elderflower deliciousness to be had here. It's also REALLY goddamned sweet. Kenneth: "I would never buy this. For whoever enjoys these flavors I guess it's well enough made, but it's not my bag of chips. I can taste a pretty fresh apple cider behind all of these... pollutants? I really don't like lime." Henry's grade: C Kenneth's grade: C

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TRE APOR Cider, Svarta Vinbär & Hallon. 4.5% alcohol Another cider wearing another cider's hat. I'm used to these by now; I just pray to Baby Jesus that this isn't too sweet. The label is TRE APOR, which means THREE MONKEYS, which have the "see no evil, speak no evil, etc." poses. Why is this the branding they chose to go with? WHAT ATROCITIES ARE YOU COMMITTING, TRE APOR??? Well, it does NOT taste like black currant, I'll tell you that, and the raspberry tastes like that fake shit they make from beaver anal glands. It tastes like pear cider wearing a Halloween costume. Bypass! Kenneth: "It's not horrible, it just reminds me of like, 'blandsaft,' which is mostly apple juice but has other shit added. It's like... a flavor... noise. It's sweet, and I like sweet, but otherwise unremarkable." Henry's grade: D but I still gotta finish it Kenneth's grade: C

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MARIESTADS BRYGGERI, Export Lager. 5.3% alcohol I have no idea what KLASS III LAGERÖL means, but I doubt it's bad, or it wouldn't be on the label. This beer has apparently been made since 1848, with HANTVERK OCH TRADITION (handcraft and tradition). Kinda neat? I don't think we have so many products like this in the US. I'm also really starting to take a shine to Swedish lagers, because they tend to be delicious. Let's-a goooo! Dang, that's a fine fucking lager! So far this is the second-best I've had today (the best being Skånsk Äppelcider). Very full-bodied and flavorful, very bread-y, refreshing, not too harsh or bitter. Henry's grade: A- Kenneth's grade: I dunno, didn't make an impression on me. C?

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KIVIKS MUSTERI, Skånsk Äppelcider. 7% alcohol The ingredients are apple wine, apple juice, and carbonated water. I already like this. Let's do it! This is fucking AWESOME. A PLUS PLUS PLUS. Not too sweet, really apple-y, nothing else in the way. This is the best thing I've had since I've been in Sweden. Kenneth: "Very refreshing. Really mild, even though it's pretty fucking strong. Much more refreshing than 7% alcohol implies." Henry's grade: A+++ Kenneth's grade: A

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BREWSKI Mangofeber DIPA - 8% alcohol I was describing to my friend Kenneth how some IPAs taste like "getting punched in the mouth by hops" and after tasting this beer, Kenneth had this to say: "Yeah, it's very much like getting punched in the mouth, and then the mango flavor seems like it doesn't know what it's doing? It's like if you make a basketball team and then one of the players is a hockey goalie. Like, what is he doing there?" Henry's grade: C+ Kenneth's grade: "Not an F, because it seems to have been competently put together, but the mango thing confuses me, so it gets a D."

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BLÅGUL Lageröl. 5.2% alcohol Another creative name. Blå means blue, and gul means yellow, and the Swedish flag is blue and yellow. I'm gonna make a million billion dollars when I get back to the US when I make my new beer, REDWHITE&BLUE Crying Eagle IPA. The logo is a crying eagle, självklart. I've opened the can, and "let it breathe," as they say, because I was too busy dicking around on Facebook and listening to the McElroys. Now my room smells like beer, which is... let's say, suboptimal. Cheers! AM I FUCKING HIGH? THIS TASTES EXACTLY LIKE FEM KOMMA TVÅAN! I think they were made by the same Repo Man set dressing motherfucker (damn, I made this joke already). I mean, it's a good taste, not so imaginative but still decent. This beer is best served while sunburnt from picking berries all day. A good flavor pairing is BLÅGUL and the coconut Clif bar you have chillaxing in your desk. For added flavor, have some elderflower-flavored soda water to wash it down, so that your Swedish host can't tell you're day-drinking. B-

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FEM KOMMA TVÅAN, Ljus Lager, 5.2% alcohol This is the worst name for a beer I think I've seen! "Fem komma två" means, literally, five comma two, which is the percentage of alcohol contained herein. Jesus. Just call it "beer" like in Repo Man. That's the most normcore shit I can think of. Anyhow. Sei gesund! Okay, well, it smells like Budweiser. And it tastes... a lot like Budweiser! Only without that slightly unpleasant saltiness. I'm into this, although it doesn't have any real stand-out traits. This is a basic beer that you could take with you on a hike or to the beach. I don't know why decent beer reminds me of outdoor activities so much, but here we are! Maybe I'm just into American-tasting beers because my hemlängtan has reached its full height. B-

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REKORDERLIG Skogsbär, 4.5% alcohol I have high hopes that this will be a pleasant diversion from the tire fire that is VIKBO CIDER. Skogsbär means, literally, forest berries, but is best translated as wild berries. Pictured on the can are raspberries, blueberries and strawberries. This is the last REKORDERLIG that I have, but I'll probably pick up some more: I think there's an Extra Stark one that I haven't drank yet, and Extra Stark is 👌👌👌 REKORDERLIG sounds like an adjective, like "lycklig" (happy/lucky) or "söndrig" (broken), but according to Google Översätt, it doesn't mean shit. Svenskar are welcome to correct me! "Rekorder" sounds like the plural of "rekord" (as in Guinness World), but isn't actually the right word. Google Search indicates that it means something like "reliable" or "dependable," which is a good name for a brewery, if a bit dull. I continue to be flustered by Swedish adjectives. Okay! This stuff smells like actual berry juice, even though its ingredients are nearly identical to the VIKBO that I just had. How does this witchcraft work? I think it's that these tend to have a better balance of flavors. It's still sweeter than I prefer, less acidic, and I like the pear one just a titch more, but this is still a solid cider. B+

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VIKBO CIDER, Strawberry Blueberry. 4.5% alcohol I've opened it up, and the berry scent has filled my entire room. I can already tell this is going to be vile, so without further ado, SLÁINTE! HUH! It's actually... not as sweet as the Röd Rabarber? Still tastes decidedly fake, though, like berry cough syrup. I don't know what E330, E150b, E163, E331 or E202 are, but I assume they are types of carcinogens. So, off to Ye Olde Googleheim! Cursory searching indicates that: E330 is citric acid E150b is caramel color E163 is an anthocyanin (food coloring) E331 is sodium citrate (a preservative) E202 is potassium sorbate (another preservative) Well! This shit wouldn't fly in the US, where the "eat only things you recognize/can pronounce" movement is in full force. We spell out our additives, dang it. Anyway, this is pear and apple cider wearing another cider's hat, which is starting to make me feel gross whenever I drink one. I guess if it was the only thing around, I'd probably drink a few, but I'm starting to realize that that's not the greatest metric. C+

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ERIKSBERG Juvel Pilsner. 4.5% alcohol Welcome to another exciting edition of Fucking Embarrassment Farm! Today I have fallen onto a pile of sharp, freshly-cut wood and scraped the shit out of my arm, knee, and chest. Tomorrow I'll probably chop my femoral artery open, so stay tuned! I'm starting off the night (by "night" I mean "late afternoon," because fuck it) with something simple. I know the brand Eriksberg, and I know pilsners. I have five beers left, six if you count the folköl (lol). However, I am going into town on Thursday or Friday, so I'll be able to grab some more. I am really starting to appreciate the appeal of a beer after a long day of difficult physical labor, even if the beers I've gotten have been a crapshoot so far. Na zdorovya!  ERIKSBERG Juvel Pilsner has four ingredients. Four. Water, corn kernels, hops, and hops oil. The hoppy taste is present, but not overwhelming. I'd drink this if someone handed it to me and said, "here, drink this," but it doesn't seem exceptionally good or bad. It's just plain beer. Maybe I've been experimenting too much with high-alcohol and weird-flavored beverages, or maybe this beer is really as dull as it seems. If this was in the US, this is what Hank Hill and Boomhauer would buy at the gas station for $5 per six-pack and drink while loitering on the sidewalk. C+

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NORRLANDS GULD, Ljus Ekologisk. 4.7% alcohol After the two (minor) disappointments that I've had tonight, POPPELS and REKORDERLIG Jordgubb-Lime, I am ready to just pound the most basic-ass beer there is, and I think this might be it. Using my contextual clues (the words "ljus" [light] and "guld" [gold]), I am going to guess that this is the most MGD-flavored one that I have picked up at Systembolaget. I really just want a plain session beer that I can have after a long day of farm shit, while I play Gems of War and listen to JoCo in my room alone. Skål! Side note: "ekologisk" means "organic," which is A Big Deal™ here in Järna. I have seen ekologiska ice cream, candy, and all types of other shit. I am currently on an organic farm! Everyone here seems REALLY mindful of their food, its sources and environmental impact. I like that people are so thoughtful, but when I get home, I am going to fucking chow down on a McDouble and some goddamn fries. YOU'RE TOO HEALTHY, SWEDEN! Anyway, damn, this is a good beer. I could drink this all day. It tastes like white bread, a little tangy, like a Czech-style pilsner. NORRLANDS GULD, you done good. And you didn't ruin the environment in the process. Nice. A

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REKORDERLIG, Jordgubb-Lime Cider. 4.5% alcohol Another example of a drink wearing another drink's hat: this is pear cider, but has added strawberry-lime flavoring. REKORDERLIG is 1 for 2 right now, so I am hesitant, yet a little jazzed. I also FUCKING /LOVE/ most things that are strawberry-lime: I would probably eat my own goddamned hand if it had that magical flavor. I am also jazzed to get this fucking hops taste out of my mouth. GIT 'ER DUN! A little side note: REKORDERLIG is in Vimmerby, which is where Astrid Lindgren (author of Pippi Longstocking* and The Brothers Lionheart**) is from! It's a dinky town, with fewer than 8,000 people, but has a theme park called Astrid Lindgren's World. I... kinda want to go there??? I want to gape at Lindgren's writing desk and get a brewery tour! But it's 3 hours and 45 minutes from Järna, where I am working now. Oh, well! Maybe next time, Sverige. First impression: a little too sweet, and more pear than strawberry, but still kinda good? If this were on tap at the dive I frequent at home, it would be my second or third choice (my first being either Fat Tire or Blue Moon). A Swedish friend told me that most Swedish ciders are "alcopops," a term that I was not familiar with, but apparently means "soda-flavored alcohol." According to Wikipedia, they are also called "malternatives" in the US, which is the most dipshit name I have heard for anything, ever. Probably by the same asshole who came up with "webinar" and "blogosphere." Anyway, this stuff is okay, but it really IS soda-flavored, and it's a little much. Tastes like a hangover in a can. Still gonna finish it! B- * På sv: Pippi Långstrump. ** På sv: Bröderna Lejonhjärta. This is a HELLA DARK story where both brothers die in the first act, and the story takes place in the afterlife.

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POPPELS BRYGGERI, American Pale Ale. 5.4% alcohol (starköl) So apparently "starköl" ("strong beer") is not just a term reserved for the 7-10% shit: anything I have here that is more than 5% has that label. I thought I'd start tonight with whatever the Swedish idea of American pale ale is. I wonder if this is just going to be Swedish Budweiser. Let's rock. I have encountered my first problem: it's not a twist-off. I have also solved this problem by loosening the cap, one tooth at a time, with a triangular necklace from Forever 21. They don't call me Drinks MacGyver for nothing! First impression: I am being fucking PUNCHED IN THE MOUTH BY HOPS. It tastes like the pine I spent all day cutting (ah, farm life). It says CITRUSTONER which means "citrus notes," which are CONSPICUOUSLY absent. It tastes like beer made with pine tar. I honestly cannot detect any other taste. An American beer snob would probably splooge their jeans over this, but it really seems like a one-note beverage. I am not terribly impressed, but I'll finish this bottle, because I have decided not to be a quitter. C

[europeiskadrycker]

ARBOGA - Extra Stark. 10.2% alcohol Well, I'm still sunburnt - on my FUCKENING EYELIDS - and my right hand is all shitty, so I took a day off. I've sequestered myself in the cottage that sits between the main house and the henhouse, and I have Match 3 games and Swedish beer for company. Time to bring out the big guns: it's time for Extra Stark (Extra Strong) beer. If yesterday's foray into ARBOGA beer is any indication, I'm in for a treat. But: if high school is any indication, high-ABV beer is always awful. We used to drink Steel Reserve under the trains in the trainyard downtown, because we were awful. Anyway, here I go, down memory lane? It smells like Guinness, and it tastes... like REALLY FUCKING STRONG GUINNESS. It's lighter in color, but very similar flavor profiles: barley, dark bread, a little sweet and tangy, not too hoppy. I would take this shit to the river and get fucking housed while floating on my hot dog shaped raft. The alcohol is very, how you say, "present in the mouth feel" (it's kind of stinging, slightly). It is, however, the best high-ABV beer I have ever had, including the expensive shit they have at The Trappist in Oakland. It's not perfect, by any means--this is To Get Smashed, not a session beer--but still, I stay impressed by ARBOGA. Bra jobbet! A-

[europeiskadrycker]

ARBOGA - Mörk Lager. 5.7% alcohol Mörk means "dark" and lager means, uh, lager. So I guess I am going into this one with certain expectations. I think it'll be like an Amber Bock or a Negro Modelo? I don't know. I hiked through the woods for three fucking hours today and I am sunburnt, sore and fucking cranky. I should really learn whatever the closest Swedish word for "cranky" is, because "arg" (angry) does not even come fucking close to describing my mood. Let's do this shit. Alriiiiight! ARBOGA Mörk Lager is tasty as hell. This is the sort of friendly, toast-like, not-too-bitter beer you might find on tap at any pub in America. (Not to say that's my gold standard, but shut the fuck up, I'm homesick.) It tastes a lot like dark rye, minus the caraway. It's made with barley, and even though the label says DET GYLLENE ÖLET, it is not gold; it is almost as dark as a stout. It's really nicely carbonated and doesn't taste super like alcohol, even though it's the second strongest one I picked up. It's got kind of a shitty score on beeradvocate but, like, sincerely fuck them? I'd drink this with dinner, out with friends, or during an intense creative session; it's like a multitool. A+

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Not Swedish but Finnish, "Lonkero"(finnish for tentacle) Original Long Drink, number 88683 at Systembolaget is nice. tho should be enjoyed cooled and with a clean pallette otherwise it might taste a bit bitter. its a Grapefruit and gin drink. Also if you go to a bar White Finland is a nice drink its a White Russian but with minttu instead of vodka.

Thank you for the suggestion! Unfortunately I can't drink anything with grapefruit because I take medications that interact with it.If any of you would like to suggest drinks, send me a message: http://svenskadrycker.tumblr.com/ask