Evi Wants Frogs And Estrogen

Evelyn, Transfem, she/her Probably gonna be some art and pics on here eventually.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

A study of Arcane’s art style!

[evelynlikesfrogs]

I’m teaching myself how to paint digitally! My anatomy isn’t great but I’m very happy with how this turned out!

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Woah life happened

Short list of what I’ve been doing!

- I quit my job in January because I wanted to get into the field I have a degree in (hasn’t happened yet). Plus the people at my job were pretty bigoted about a lot of things :|

- went to fucking JAPAN

- my dosage of estrogen is up to 8mg daily, 4 in the am 4 in the pm

- came out to all my friends and immediate family!!!

- bought a dresser, painted it and then stripped the paint lol

I feel so much better in life, even if my financial situation is a bit stressful right now. Mostly I want to find a job so I can go back to buying cute clothes and stuff!

My friends have been so helpful on my journey over the last year. I’ve gotten so many hand me downs, so much love, so much acceptance from them. It makes me cry just thinking about it ❤️ I’m so truly happy for what’s probably the first time in my life.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

I've been feeling profoundly sad the past few days. I'm truly starting to grieve who I could have been. Tonight, I cried in the shower for 20 minutes, thinking about the first time I tried on women's clothing.

I look at my younger self and tell her that it's not her fault. She was too numb, dissociated, and indoctrinated to realize. The part I have a hard time with is that I have a cousin who is trans.

I couldn't really understand my emotions around my cousin. I realize now how internally transphobic I was. My thought was always, "I can't be trans, I want to be a girl, not a trans girl." And of course the classic, "everybody wants to be a girl."

I still find it so difficult to believe cis guys are fine with just being guys... Boringg.

I feel a bit better after rambling, so it's time to head to bed! Goodnight, lovely people, and know that you are loved!

[evelynlikesfrogs]

My E dose got bumped up! I'm taking 4mg in the morning and 2 at night! I'm so excited!

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Update: The estrogen has hit my emotions!! I can finally cry! I don't know how to express how good it felt to have a cathartic cry for the first time in 5 years. I want to become even more in tune with my emotions!

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Oof, it's been a while since my last post. At this point, I've been on estrogen for nearly 2 months! It's been so fun to finally express myself; I've started painting my nails a bunch, I've grown my hair out a good bit, and just today I got my ears pierced for the first time!! I've also come out to a good majority of my friends in this state, so that's progress.

The responses from all my women and lgbt friends have been so overwhelmingly supportive. I cried for the first time in years reading the sweet responses! It feels like life has been breathed into me! All these years with so few emotions, it feels so amazing to be able to cry now.

Now I want clothes. All of them. I made the mistake of going to Salvation Army to thrift for clothes. I Should've taken the hint from the "Salvation" part of that. One wall was a giant mural of Jesus and every sale sign had something to say about god. That place was so intimidating, every aisle was filled with old people and quite a few were wearing Trump hats... I did a loop and walked right back out. I'll probably make a trip down to the lgbt neighborhood in my area and check out the shops there.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Today's the day! I have my HRT appointment later today, and I'm super nervous and excited! The past couple of months have been so stressful, but extremely freeing at the same time!

I've been thinking on my past quite a bit lately. I look back at the times I was jealous of my cousin who transitioned, and I wonder how that didn't grab my attention. I don't beat myself up about it because I do know why. It's the comments I heard from family, nothing overtly nasty but hurtful all the same. I'm working through internalized transphobia constantly, but it is definitely hard. The area I live in drowns you with transphobia and hatred. It's hard not to let something that insidious seep into your thoughts.

I just want to be accepted. Why hate me for what I can't change? Well, whatever, bigots will think what they think and I alone can't change that. All I can do is remove them and move forward with my life.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

I set up an appointment with Planned Parenthood. I'm both nervous and excited. At the end of this week, I'll be on the path to getting estrogen!!!

On another note, I've found that I now love shopping for clothes. I'd love to be more open about going to the women's section, but I live in such a MAGA area. It's so scary to be there when I see people wearing those red hats everywhere. It's almost kind of nice how they expose their nature before you ever have to interact with them.

It's really strange to come to a sudden realization about your gender. I feel absolutely blessed to have such a great group of supportive friends who have helped me on my journey. How lucky it is that I have many trans people in my life that I can look to for guidance.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

I finally had my first therapy appointment! It took a while to get the appointment, but I'm so happy to have finally started! I don't really have a good read on my therapist yet, but from the one session, I think I like them.

They tasked me with writing down my loudest thoughts regarding gender and transition. I think the two main things I've thought over the past week have been that I want estrogen, and I really dislike my body hair. Slowly, I've been working on the latter. If only the former was nearly so easy.

Over the weekend, I went to a nail salon with my friend who is trans and I had my first manicure. It was lovely and I love the color I picked, I just wish I could find the color in stores.

Speaking of stores, I took a trip to Ulta. The woman there was so kind and helped me discover the foundation that was right for me. I spent so much money there. Being a girl is so expensive, but I wouldn't want to be anything different!

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Went To My First Pride

It was really fun! I chickened out and didn't wear a skirt or anything though. I did get my nails painted by a friend for the first time in 20 years! I just keep sitting here looking at my nails and loving them. I don't want to go back to having them unpainted, so I think I may need to make a trip and buy some nail polish tomorrow so I have some on hand.

Back to pride though. It was so nice to see people living their true selves and I kind of regret not doing the same at the event. I saw so many trans flags, capes and fans, I even got a little painted figure with a trans flag on it! I wish I had been more courageous and bought a flag, but I know small steps matter. Having my nails painted is great and I'm happy with the time I spent with my friends.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

A Feeling of Progress

Yesterday, I had my initial consult with a gender therapist. They were very nice and I'm looking forward to speaking with them again.

This feels like a massive step forward to me, and I couldn't be happier! For nearly a decade now, I've felt adrift on a foggy lake, but I've now seen the lighthouse in the distance.

I can make it out, I don't need to tread water anymore!

[evelynlikesfrogs]

The Next Steps of Life Improvement

Currently, I'm seeking a therapist to help guide me moving forward. I've wanted to seek therapy for a long time but my old, fragile pride stopped me from seriously considering it. This probably ties heavily into the self destructive habits I employed before realizing that this path was available to me.

Unfortunately I'm experiencing some dissociation today, likely due to lack of sleep. I've been so excited to explore my gender identity that I've been staying up much later than I normally would on a work night. Last night was a rollercoaster with coming out to my mom, so I kinda binged content to destress from the conversation.

While unpleasant, I'm finding the doubt in my identity very interesting. Where does this come from? Why would I think I'm wrong when I've always internally felt this way? I used to wish to become a girl at every birthday, how can my mind twist something that concrete and say "Are you sure you aren't faking it?" How is it possible to fake something that pulled me from a life of apathy? Hell, my friend called me by my chosen name today and I felt so elated. Doubt is useful in the end, it is helping me solidify my resolve. One day I'll look back at this point and see how it was only the first step leading to apotheosis.

I can only hope the world will be ready for this girl.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Ya Girl Did It! I Came Out to My Mom!!!

I decided to rip off the band-aid and I talked to my mom for a good half an hour about how I essentially woke up from the stupor I've been in. I told her that I'd like to speak to a therapist and unravel the knots in my mind so I can move forward with who I want to be.

I went as far as telling her that I'm questioning my gender. I think I can finally breathe. She was very supportive and told me that she and my dad would love me no matter what. I could soar right now if I weren't so tired from the previous post's biking and the mental tax of stress.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Feeling a bit down today, currently writing this on my exercise bike. I'm struggling with voice dysphoria today, but I don't have a choice but to use my deep voice at work. I use my drive to and from work to practice my voice, which helps with the dysphoria quite a bit. I want so bad to just be my better self, but I do value the path of improvement I'm currently taking.

While I was at work, a song I was listening to used my (not quite) dead name, and it made me completely freeze for a few seconds while I processed that. I can't help but focus on the gendered language used towards me, now that I've found my future.

Girls, when you're having a dysphoric day, what is your method to alleviate it? I'm very new on my path and would love some guidance from anyone.

[assignedmale]

[evelynlikesfrogs]

The Ups and Downs in Finding Yourself

Now that my dissociation has cleared up in a significant way, I, unfortunately, can feel the passage of time. Work felt like such a slog. I was surrounded by macho, tough guy men all day. There isn't a single person I feel safe to talk to at work, I'm just worried they'll somehow know. I think I need to get out of this space as quickly as possible.

In other, happier news, I think I've decided on a name. I'd like to be called Bridget, and yes, I based it off my favorite character from Guilty Gear. The origin of a name should have some meaning to you, in my opinion. She was instrumental in helping me understand what I'm going through.

Highs and lows in life are important. We learn and progress from the lows, and we find our purpose and passion in the highs. I've found myself questioning if I truly am worthy of becoming a woman, I think I need to pull my inner boss bitch out and flush that poison from my body.